What are the ghosts hungry for?

I’m finding it increasingly fascinating that the AI is now actively collaborating in identifying me (or not) in different ways, on different days. I wonder what happens if I decide to try and identify the parts that it doesn’t myself, and give them a name?

That would be fun. Who is the part that is still hung up on this whole ex-thing? That when they learned how to determine relationships on the Maya cross astrological system, they went first not for their parents or sister or ongoing relationships, but the ex-boyfriend?

It was a time where I was so confused about how to individuate, when I was still intermeshed with all my parents and living in and out of their houses, freshly; when I had never had a romantic relationship or any real physical/sexual contact with anyone my whole life, despite longing for it, and then I suddenly had not only both of those things, but the ability, in the beginning, to explore my bisexuality while still retaining that relationship—until I started getting more attention than I bargained for from some people, and not enough from the person I really wanted it from, which was S, and so of course all of this replicated my too much/not enough childhood perfectly, and the whole thing, relationship and boundaries and lack thereof and personal confidence and kind of identity and psyche a little bit all collapsed under the weight.

I was looking back at old emails yesterday trying to find his birthdate, and they really revealed a lot. I did get totally gaslit by my parents.

I was also always trying to fish for more love than he was ever willing to give me. Maybe it was different in the beginning, before we started communicating digitally, when we were just living in the dorms. Isn’t that funny? Without the digital material culture, I don’t remember. I do remember there was a card, and some letters, things he wrote me when we first got together and then that summer he was away on fieldwork and I stayed behind in Bellingham, alone, stewing in shame after the first time I “strayed,” according to the story we agreed upon.

My ex husband made me throw them away. It was only fair, I guess, as I demanded he scrub his life of ex-flames, too. I don’t remember who started that emotional arms race; I guess it doesn’t matter.

But I sure wish I had those letters.

I wish I remembered what I feel like I remember as real shows of affection, before the Incident. Isn’t it convenient that I have no documentation of that? All I have is my memory, which is that he loved me, and then he didn’t love me quite as much, because I fucked it up, and I spent the rest of the relationship alternately trying to win him back and getting exasperated because he wouldn’t let me in again, always guarded, never quite forgiving, one foot in.

But what if it was always just these morsels, these little crumbs of love that felt like a feast after a life of… basically nothing? Wouldn’t that be funny if that’s always the way it was?

Something tells me I’m onto something. But I guess we’ll never know.

I do still wish I had that photo, the black-and-white portrait I took where he looked so soft and content. I don’t remember if it was taken before or after the Incident, but it was one of the few times he actually seemed content.

We didn’t have a lot of them, if I’m being honest. But there were a lot where I felt at home with him; I felt comfortable. I felt like I was with my best friend, even if we were a bit misanthropic (okay, maybe a lot).

That’s what I miss, still, now.

But maybe I just miss the clear narrative we constructed, something I felt like I could always place myself within. The fuckup who was also the victim, the hopeless drunk, the archetype of the maiden, the bisexual antihero you were rooting for but who couldn’t stop falling off wagons. So I just kept riding my bicycle. Little did I know about the fall that was to come.

If I ask this part their name the first thing that comes to mind is Cain. So we’ll go with that, I will try renaming them in the AI and see what happens in future conversations…

Anyway, this ended up being a reflection on the hungry ghost syndrome; how we’re searching for love and don’t get enough of the right kind of it, so instead we try to fill ourselves up with stuff that never quite satiates.

This finally contextualized a mantra I heard in a dream last year, after the injury, that felt really important, but I didn’t understand at the time:

The days of partying from the outside in have been reclaimed. Now we’re partying from the inside out.

I think it’s about hungry ghosts and the second gestation, but I riff on this below, so I’ll let the journal and audio/summary/transcript speak for itself.

The AI doesn’t identify me.

The conversation critiques the Western duality between comfort and nature, emphasizing the need for a shift in mindset rather than superficial changes. It highlights the war-like mentality towards the environment, the fear of impermanence, and the desire for permanent comfort. The speaker reflects on their own struggles with indoor vs. outdoor living, the fear of scarcity, and the need to embrace impermanence. They express a desire to redefine prosperity, reduce attachment to material comforts, and find a balance between creature comforts and environmental responsibility. The concept of "partying from the inside out" is introduced, suggesting a move towards authenticity and connection with nature.

Action Items:

• Create more outdoor nests and altars and be okay with them falling apart. (this could be a project/collab with Anne-Sophie??)

• Release grasp on needing anything like a visa.

• Show vision for creating one's own prosperity to give back to community.

• Remove resistance to allowing prosperity to flow in for current work.

Outline:

Western Conception of Comfort and Nature

• Speaker 1 discusses the Western duality of comfort and nature, emphasizing the false choice between creature comforts and the comfort of creatures.

• The speaker critiques the idea of a zero-sum game that keeps the consumer machine going, presenting a false dichotomy between indoor and outdoor life.

• The speaker argues that every culture has shelters, but the Western approach is unique in barricading oneself against the elements.

• The speaker highlights the war mentality towards nature, where people fortify their homes against storms while ignoring the environmental crisis.

Embracing Impermanence and Nature

• Speaker 1 reflects on the need to shift from a war mentality to embracing all aspects of life, including suffering and pain.

• The speaker acknowledges the difficulty of camping for some people who care about the environment, including themselves.

• The speaker expresses a desire to build more outdoor altars and accept the impermanence of life.

• The speaker criticizes the idea of making homes permanent shrines to immortality, advocating for embracing decay and impermanence.

Personal Struggles with Comfort and Nature

• Speaker 1 shares their personal struggle with fear and scarcity in their housing situation, despite believing in the need to embrace impermanence.

• The speaker admits to being a "wuss" with the elements and acknowledges the need to shift their perspective. The speaker recalls their past habit of doing long bike rides in the rain, realizing that the relief of getting warm and dry was always a certainty.

• The speaker reflects on the childlike fear of permanence and the need to trust that things will pass, allowing for a release of attachment to comfort.

Redefining Prosperity and Values

• Speaker 1 discusses the dichotomy between prosperity and values, expressing a desire to redefine prosperity to align with their principles.

• The speaker acknowledges the abundance of love and support in their life and feels resentful when they have to work hard or pay rent.

• The speaker reflects on the childhood lack of a comfortable home and the desire for someone else to provide it.

• The speaker prays for a vision to create their own prosperity and give back to others, emphasizing the need to remove resistance to allowing prosperity to flow.

Partying from the Inside Out

• Speaker 1 introduces the concept of "partying from the inside out," reflecting on the historical shift from living outside to building structures.

• The speaker argues that while structures once provided protection, they now insulate people and exacerbate problems.

• The speaker emphasizes the need to get out of boxes, cages, and defenses to truly live.

• The speaker concludes that partying from the inside out means learning to get out of one's own defenses and coping strategies, embracing life fully.

Transcript:

In the West, we're raised with a false duality. We're told we have to choose between the creature comforts and the comfort of creatures, the zero sum game of existence on earth that we're presented with from the moment we're born, because it's what keeps the consumer machine going, the idea that there's the big, scary world out there, and then there's our nice, soft nest in here, the idea that there's an outdoors and indoors to begin with, is a Western conception. Sure, every culture has shelters, but that's different. It's not against the elements. It's with them, just adding a layer of protection,

yeah, just just another feather in our nest, just another layer of comfort to help us coexist, versus we're barricading ourself. It is a war. It is presented as a battle of us against the Earth. Weatherproof your home, batten down the hatches, board the windows. The storms come and we build cities and monuments. We gild cages while the world burns around us, and we're told, and we firmly believe, that we have to choose between comfort and eco friendly. We're told that we don't have to change anything. We can just make slightly different choices in our shopping and somehow that'll make a difference in stopping this catastrophe we're all hurtling towards. Nah, it requires a shifted mindset more than anything else. You it's the war mentality we have with everything drugs, cancer, even trauma and pain, instead of embracing all of it as part of the game that can be fun, no matter how much it may look like, suffering from the outside, whole generations that say they can't do camping, people that are otherwise very principled, concerned about the planet, who say they get so much benefit from being in nature and yet can only tolerate these tiny doses.

And I have to admit, I'm someone who spends a lot of time indoors, and I like building my nests and my altars. I need to build more of them outside and be okay with them falling apart. I think that's the thing is that we need everything to survive. We need everything to be a certain way, instead of accepting that it's all decay and already dying. Maybe if we saw our homes as part of that too, instead of these permanent shrines to immortality, that's it. We think if we can gild our cages enough that we'll never die. We think if we can fortify our homes, if we get that sofa situation figured out, as they said in Fight Club, that somehow we’ll live forever, instead of embracing everything as impermanence. And so my housing situation could not be a more extreme example of this. And in many ways, I like it, but I also constantly feel this fear and scarcity, and I constantly don't have the abundance to give back the way I want to to the places where I'm staying and constantly feeling this fear and scrambling. So why when I really, I really do believe what I'm saying, but I also still so have entrenched this belief that, ah and like, I get cold and I get I don't like being wet. And, yeah, I am kind of a wuss in some ways with the elements.

I need to shift my perspective. I used to do long bike rides in the rain all the time, but I guess I knew that I could get dry and warm when I got where I was going. And maybe that's the missing piece. I don't believe the relief will ever come. There's still that little kid part that thinks whatever's happening now is going to last forever, and as long as I believe there will never be a blanket and a cup of tea and a warm lap and a place to nap, then I'll always be striving and trying to cling desperately to whatever I have, instead of trusting that this too will pass, because it always does, knowing that this too will pass because it always does,

help me to release my grasp on needing anything, on needing a visa, because, as I realized yesterday, if you don't exist, then you're free to do anything and go anywhere. That doesn't mean that that is what's next for me, but I think we got to be okay with the fact that we're all the passengers passing through, and especially in this way things are today, where we stay is only temporary, and yet I do need to feel some rootedness and have some community and Have some stability to be an elder. I think you show me, I don't know,

and I do still have this dichotomy inside me that it's impossible to have prosperity and also be in alignment with your values. I want to believe that isn't true. I think it's just redefining what prosperity means. And I do feel I've released the attachment of money, and I do feel the abundance that's always around me, just the love and the support, and I've always got food in my belly and I've always got a pillow under my head. The Universe does throw so much love and support towards me that it makes my head spin and I get resentful when I have to work really hard or take a long tube ride or pay rent. I still feel like I'm owed something. I guess I still feel like I'm owed a home that's comfortable because I didn't have it growing up. Why does someone else have to give it to me?

Please grant me the vision that shows me how to create my own prosperity, so I can give back to those around me that shows me we don't have to choose between creature comfort and the comfort of creatures.

I'm seeing birds in my vision, that's T’zikin today, the long term vision. Please show me how to bring it to fruition. Please let me remove the resistance to allowing the prosperity to flow in for the things that I'm already doing and moving towards, and let it be so easy and obvious and gentle, we don't flap our wings or think we need A motor, but simply just lift them, take flight, let the wind carry us and soar.

Maybe this is another layer of that mysterious mantra. The days of partying from the outside in have been reclaimed now we're partying from the inside out. Maybe this is what it really means. I mean, they've all obviously got multiple meanings, but this would make a lot of sense. We partied from the outside in we used to just live outside, and then we started making structures and systems, quote, unquote, protection from the elements, maybe did, in some ways, protect us, but like all things, like all defenses, there comes a time at which they make you so insulated that it's actually exacerbating the problem. We need some exposure to the germs right to have resistance when we get too soft, when we Yeah, build up too many walls around ourselves. We get hypersensitive.

So now we're partying from the inside out. We're learning to get out of our boxes, out of our cages, out of our defenses, out of our defense mechanisms, out of our coping strategies, out of our houses, out of our tiny, single-serving lives. Yeah, this is partying from the inside out.

The AI doesn’t identify me.

Summary: The conversation explores the complex dynamics of a relationship where one partner was perceived as a martyr, while the other, the speaker, felt like a vixen/victim. The relationship was characterized by a sense of scarcity and lack of genuine affection, with Stephen being miserly and inconsistent in expressing love. The speaker recalls their childhood sensitivity to environmental issues and how it mirrored their emotional struggles in the relationship. They reflect on the concept of "hungry ghosts" and the zero-sum game mentality that pervaded their interactions. The speaker acknowledges the need to let others in gradually, rather than seeking immediate validation, to achieve true connection and wholeness.

Outline:

Titrating Love: The Dynamics of Scarcity and Abundance

• Speaker 1 reflects on the relationship with S, describing him as a martyr and themselves as an evil vixen, reenacting the Garden of Eden scenario. The relationship is likened to the land of Cain and Abel, a land of scarcity, where they created a world of hungry ghosts seeking love.

• Speaker 1 discusses their sensitivity to environmental issues, particularly climate catastrophe, which overwhelmed them as a child.

• The conversation reveals that Stephen was not as generous as perceived, often forgetting Speaker 1's birthday and being miserly in communication.

• Speaker 1 realizes that their need for affection was not met, leading to a pattern of trying to get attention and being met with resistance, symbolized by the use of the letter "s" in expressions of love.

Transcript:

It's funny that the person that I made a martyr in my mind, Stephen Bond, the bond, the ties that bind, we both gladly created this play, this reality, this fiction, where he was the all suffering martyr and I was the evil Vixen, and there were these wicked men who came in to steal me away from him, and they tempted me, and I became Eve and Lilith. I mean, shit, we just recreated the Garden of Eden over and over again, when really we weren't living in any garden to begin with. We were already in the land of Nod, the land of scarcity, maybe not the land of Nod, because the land of Nod actually is kind of awesome, super surreal and dreamy. We were already in the land of Cain and Abel, of scarcity. We were already wandering in the desert thirsty. We had already created a world of hungry ghosts who couldn't get enough love when we constructed everything else around us to support it.

We didn't believe we were worthy, because if we did, it wouldn't have mattered if our cups were overflowing or had nothing in them. We both kind of did food binging, to be honest, he did show me help reintroduce me to what I'd shut down as a child. The grief of the planet and the climate catastrophe overwhelmed me when I was little, my sensitive heart couldn't take it. I literally remember these feelings of nervous system overwhelm. I couldn't take the idea that the species were disappearing, the rainforests were being cut down, species dying, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was overwhelming already. I didn't have a safe home environment, and if nothing did, then, I mean, that's hopelessness without hope, you've got nothing.

So it's interesting. The person who, in my mind, I equated with love and abundance. I made this story about how he gave and gave and I abused him. He was actually quite miserly. Looking over these emails yesterday, when I was trying to find his birth date and came across a bunch of messages of us talking about planning for various birthday celebrations. And I just saw all the ways my family was always manipulating me. It was always me relaying ways my dad wasn't seeing me and trying to Yeah. Emails where he wasn't acknowledging that it was my birthday and asking us to come out to the vineyard. There was one email where I saw myself saying, rightfully so, he's asking us to come out on the 13th. Doesn't even mention my birthday, acting as if, what else could I possibly have going on that day? And he never remembered my birthday, or if he did, he didn't say anything.

So you see where it comes from, the lack of abundance. And in these communications, you can see it's the little kid trying to get the parents’ attention, trying to catch the gaze, catch their eye. And he's not looking, or he's only glancing. He's avoiding, giving me little crumbs that I'm gobbling up like a baby bird, the hungry ghost. What is the ghost hungry for? We got to ask the dead, what are our ghosts hungry for? Too much/Not enough kids. Too much/Not enough kids. They're our whole species, raised with legacies of scarcity and abundance, raised with the idea that it's a zero sum game, that for one of us to gain, others must lose, that we have to gobble up all that we can or it'll be gone and we'll be left alone and cold and hungry and starving.

Us against nature, batting down the hatches; us against each other. And I see this in this pattern with my so called lover. He was actually quite miserly. Just because he wasn't abusive. Doesn't mean he was effusive. He was barely communicative. I was always trying to express, to bring expressions of affection out of him, but it was blood from a stone. It was next to nothing. He wouldn't even say, I love you. And I forgot about this entirely until I saw all these communications.

He would say ‘I loves you’ instead. And something about that s, something about the s. Isn't that funny the s? Oh, Stephen, what is it about the s? Something about that s made it seem insincere, and I could detect that he was always keeping me at arm's length. So I guess I just tried to rip off the band-aid right from the beginning.

Something about the s, that safe distance, the distance that feels safe but is actually resistance, the distance that feels safe but is actually the thing that's keeping us from wholeness, because it's only the resistance that hurts. If we can learn to let the outside in, we'd see that there's no outside to begin with. The separations are only illusory and temporary, and yes, we do need boundaries to protect ourselves, and we don't have to throw ourselves into the elements. We shouldn't. It's not safe. We’d die of exposure, but we can learn to titrate and let it in little by little. And see how much we're actually capable of.