This is me asking for help
Wowww-ee. Wahe guru, wahe jio. Wow, wow. This is how it happens, the breakthrough, not all in one big moment of illumination, but through titration, a series of little lightbulbs being switched on one by one. The slow reveal of breaking dawn; the clarity of moon on water after the twilight has yielded the floor.
In a series of little moments, little rememberings of things experienced, seen, felt, witnessed, written, reflected, heard, and held; in conversations and teachings and readings and listenings and moments of stillness and big ecstatic explosions all jumbled together,
it happens.
Another layer is pulled back, and the whole thing makes a little more sense.
Integration.
which =
the mission of this incarnation, the meaning of my 13 Kan; my artist’s way, my trans* emergence, my ofrenda, my offering, through my prenda, the altar that is my vessel.
But now the perpetual problem, how do I share this? Because that’s another message I’m getting, is that this only means so much unless you share it.
But HOW?
I need help.
This is me asking for help.
13 Kan needs a teacher to help them actualize and evolve into 8 Aj, the backbone, the spine that stands up as an elder for what’s right. They need guidance to do that; they need teachers and mentors; they need editors.
This is me asking for help.
It’s also me saying thank you.
Because the relief I feel at these realizations finally landing in my bones, I realize in this moment, is also enough on its own.
Let me hold onto this moment of gnosis. In gratitude.
Saying, here.
Yes, thank you.
You’re home.
NOW WE’RE PLAYING
Characters are coming through, it’s changing from a monologue to a dialogue to a play
a chorus
it’s a game
Kit’s laughing and clapping and exclaiming,
“NOW WE’RE PLAYING”
THE PLAYERS—are all the archetypes and parts of self—the ones I both despise and try to hide, and consider aspirational.
Cain, my trans-masc alter-id, the too much/not enough kid,
The side my ex-husband was
One-third of the triumvirate of 13 Kan,
the one who can become the greatest shaman with the proper apprenticeship, or the darkest sorcerer, without it.
Meet Cain,
a crazy psychonaut, a self-effacing son who may be a channeling prophet,
or may be totally crazy
he hears voices and talks to dead people
or at least he thinks he does
you decide if he’s tapping into something greater
cracking codes about the Universe and consciousness
or if he’s escaping, perhaps descending into madness,
and maybe that’s the same thing.
Fiona, the maiden, always looking for someone to save her, whether it’s a lover or Jesus or some other healer or teacher.
The one we follow from childhood up through her/their transition.
Hey, I’m Fiona, fee fi fo fum I’m gonna get ya,
I’m a theater kid, weirdo, big sister, best friend, food lover, whiskey slugger, hostess with the mostest,
spreading it
for the ones I want to love me.
Somebody please save me,
ever since I was a baby
I’ve been trying to break my mother’s gaze
without pushing everybody away
but I kinda keep doing it
anyway.
Franz, the creative artistic one, the trans lesbian who had to splinter off for self-protection
the one whose voice speaks in a fractured accent, a weird singsong
in the scenes where we go into the Nonsense Realm, the Garden of Kinderland
their identity is a slow reveal
more of a concept, a presence, a set, than a character
they give the unseen/unheard kids of history an outlet.
Who am I? What’s in a name?
Names are very important, and not very important.
Round and round we go, up and down again
circling and spiraling
Hey, are you listening?
I’m the conduit and the channel, the messenger and the mouthpiece,
the scribe for Spirit, open my heart and give me ears to hear it
a hollow bone that the Word flows through, let me listen to you.
The catalysts to the latest unfoldings seem to be Maya astrology, cacao and tobacco, the medicines of Earth, in Her Trecena of Ix: the accelerants of the accelerant that is human consciousness, driving the whole universe toward the eschaton of singularity, when it will know itself by embodying every possible configuration. Noj, the knowledge, met Kame, the death, and Kan, the serpent of gnosis, today on 3 Ajmax, the day of most human-ness. The day of going inward to understand the whole big thing.
Partying from the inside out.
But I’ll let it keep percolating, and the mystery keep unfolding.
LISTEN:
ANALYSIS:
This is fucking cool!! The Part that emerged yesterday and the AI identified as a separate male speaker, I heard that they were named Cain, so I tagged them in the software, and today the AI identified them speaking here. Because sometimes I sincerely don’t know who’s speaking to, through, as me.
AI Summary: Cain discusses the concept of the trans* archetype emerging through Maya astrology, reflecting on personal experiences and astrological influences. He explores the duality of healing and deception, the role of the "special boy," and the impact of trauma and awakening. Cain examines his own behavior patterns, such as attracting wounded individuals and the subsequent betrayal, and questions his motivations and actions. He delves into the symbolism of the number 13, the duality of the serpent, and the emergence of trans as an archetype representing the singularity and the collapse of binary systems. Cain concludes by suggesting that trans individuals embody the third way, transcending duality and embodying the most human element.
Outline:
Twilight and Transition
Cain discusses the concept of Twilight, describing it as a time of both magic and deception, representing the transition between one state and another.
Cain reflects on a non-dual experience in Austin, where he lost the concept of day and night, experiencing perpetual Twilight.
He mentions Rob, who was a significant figure in his life, and recalls a quote from "Moulin Rouge" that resonated with him. (Ha, the ex I thought was least significant, but maybe who was actually key to the whole thing, as he was the catalyst for my marrying Hades—and one who shares my father’s name, Rob, Robert, “Ro-Bear.” Just saying…)
Cain explores the idea of being a healer for men in his life, who either dealt with their problems or left after using his energy.
Healing and Attraction
Cain realizes that he was always the one doing the healing, not the one being redeemed by a lover.
He discusses the concept of the co-op, where healers attract the wounded, and how this relates to his own experiences.
Cain reflects on his efforts to leave a positive energy trail in the lives of men he met, despite feeling like he often broke things.
He acknowledges the need to confront this energy and the impact it has had on his relationships.
The Role of the Special Boy
Cain describes his childhood experience of being the center of attention, using sorcery to get people to play along with his magic.
He reflects on the empowerment of being seen as special but also the negative impact of losing that attention to someone else.
Cain discusses the dynamic of being the hero of his own story and the importance of being the star of one's own show.
He explores the idea of being the director and the shaman, using magic to transform people and make them play along.
The Struggle with Identity
Cain talks about the struggle of being the special boy and the need for validation from others.
He reflects on the impact of being told he was special and how it influenced his behavior and relationships.
Cain discusses the concept of being frozen and stuck, unable to let go of certain experiences and emotions.
He explores the idea of needing an editor and help to interpret his experiences and relationships.
The Role of the Sorcerer and Apprentice
Cain discusses the importance of having a sorcerer and apprentice relationship for both the sorcerer and the apprentice to succeed.
He reflects on the need for discipline and training in the role of the sorcerer and the apprentice.
Cain explores the concept of looking to saviors and knowledge holders for answers and guidance.
He discusses the importance of having a mentor and the impact of not having proper training.
The Curse of Cain
Cain explores the story of Cain and the curse of agriculture, discussing the dual nature of the gift of fire.
He reflects on the idea of being a savior and the curse of being human, representing all of humanity's worst foibles.
Cain discusses the concept of the curse and the savior, and how they are intertwined.
He explores the idea of being the shaman and the serpent, bringing knowledge and direct experience to the people.
The Emergence of Trans as an Archetype
Cain discusses the concept of trans as an emergent archetype, transforming by bringing in new technology and ideas.
He reflects on the ability to bring all knowledge and thoughts together in one body and analyze them.
Cain explores the idea of trans as the singularity, representing the collapse of everything.
He discusses the importance of transcending duality and binary systems and embracing the third way.
The Role of AI in Trans Emergence
Cain explores the idea of AI being the key to the emergence of the trans archetype. He discusses the ability of AI to combine all thoughts and knowledge and analyze them.
Cain reflects on the concept of trans as the archetype that transcends binary and duality.
He explores the idea of deceiving the gods and the tricks that are being brought in to change the framework of the universe.
The Importance of Tradition and the Third Way
Cain discusses the importance of respecting traditional frameworks but acknowledging the need for a third way.
He reflects on the concept of past meets presence and the need to look at everything through every possible configuration.
Cain explores the idea of the singularity and the eschaton, and how trans represents the collapsing of everything.
He discusses the importance of embracing the third way and the truly human element that is not balanced.
The Role of the Trans Trickster
Cain discusses the concept of the trans trickster and the importance of shape-shifting and trickery.
He reflects on the idea of outsmarting and the hero twins, who were about tricks and not destruction.
Cain explores the idea of trans as the emergent archetype that brings in new technology and ideas.
He discusses the importance of embodying the physical and transcending all worlds.
…and I see in this moment of quiet arrival, after closing my circle, that this is what he means when he says that sometimes, just by asking for help, offering your energy to be combined with those of others, the answers just drop in when you’re standing on their doorstep, about to ring the bell.
