E C L I P S E D
Wow. I wrote a whole post, uploaded songs and galleries, had a BEAUTIFUL post that I couldn’t wait to share…
…and the page crashed, and I lost everything.
That’s what I get for not saving.
It would have been so easy just to click the button, and I thought I had, but I guess I didn’t, because I navigated back to the page and it was all gone.
But I suppose it’s fitting, as it is the eclipse, when the moon edges out the sun, and the theme of this day is to try and remember what I forgot.
The truths I buried so deep that even I couldn’t find them.
Maybe I tried to write about the experience too soon. Or maybe it’s the universe reminding me I’m duplicating the work again. It’s all in the journal pages below already….
Methodology: Time Traveling With the Diamond Needle - College edition
The last time before this time that I knew who I was, was in college. If I go back to those songs, can I remember how to remember what came after?
Losing entire weekends, picking up the bottle and the cigarette after work on Friday and blinking myself into an armchair with terrible Chinese takeout on my lap and cheap wine at my elbow in a room full of all my so-called friends, with no idea what just happened since.
A game of escalating stakes.
When I forgot that I was the 13 Kan, the snake charmer, Kali Ma, and I started sleeping with the snake-oil salesmen, the sorcerers, the property-holders, accepting the Pantaloon narrative of power-over, giving away everything.
But I wouldn’t let myself disappear completely. That vital spark within me came back to burn it all to the ground, that Pluto-Scorpio-Lilith angle in my chart here to fuck shit up.
N O F U T U R E / Titus Andronics
Just give me a suitcase and I’ll promise to not look back / Just point me, point me towards the railroad track
I’ve been staring at the gates, but I’ve never found a crack / So I’m just looking up, saying, “Deliver me a heart attack.”
If you’re weary, I don’t mind sharing the load / Just keep me some company on the road
All I’ve got is a bottle that I ought to leave alone / But it’s the only thing that I can call my own
So I’m saying goodbye, and no, I won’t forget to write / It’s just been too long racing towards a yellow light
And I know that I say this every night / But I don’t think I’ve ever been so tired of life
And if things should not get better, will you wait for me to change/ Or will I see you waving goodbye from the window of an aeroplane?
If I told you it was hopeless, would you try to understand / Or will you leave me for a palm tree and its shadows on the sand?
Because I’ve been waiting all year for the temperature to drop / But now I’ve got a fever and I don’t know how to make it stop
There’s still one shoe that hasn’t dropped yet / It’s hanging on by an aglet
This world seems like a nice place to visit / But I don’t want to live in it
WHOA:
It put the fear of God in me when I heard my daddy say,
“one mistake is all that it takes.” - My Time Outside the Womb
U P O N V I E W I N G B R U E G E L’ S… / Titus Andronicus
I was born into self-actualization, / I knew exactly who I was,
but I never got my chance to be young. / So when you lay me inside of a coffin,
bury me on the side of the hill. / That’s a good place to get some thinking done.
It didn’t work out the way that I planned it. / They all seem to want to take it away,
everything that I thought to be true. / So it’s obvious to me somebody, somewhere
must have really done a number on you / and I know because the fuckers got me too.
All the pretty horses, / all flowers and trees,
they will all mean less than nothing / when it all has come to be.
God sent me a vision of the future / in a dream on a Saturday night
and I see no reason to celebrate. / For when I saw it I wept like a child.
It came to me like a knife in the chest.
You and me and everyone, forever, to ache and ache and ache.
… yes, Patrick, but that ain’t the end.
The Boddhisatva path is to transmute that shit.
WHOA AGAIN! On today’s eclipse Moonscape: “The here and now is Aries time. No past. No future. Just now. When we are here — not there! — we can birth the new self while remaining aware of who we have always been. Again, what a radical idea — to be and do as if it’s always the first time. To fall in love without knowing heartbreak. To have courage without having known rejection. To try without ever having failed. This audacity is available to us if we remember that the heartbreak, rejection and failure happened in the past. But you have no past now. Are you willing to live from this premise and find its power so you can birth a new version of yourself?
… “Venus retrograde in Pisces forms a conjunction to Neptune, which we haven’t seen since 1998, a Venus retrograde Neptune conjunction — so this is rare. And it’s profound. Venus retrograde dissolves illusions about love, worth and longing, while Neptune dissolves everything that isn’t real. This Eclipse is a portal of release, allowing us to let go of old desires, outdated dreams and past attachments that no longer fit. And with the Eclipse also conjunct the North Node and Saturn in Pisces, this isn’t just a fleeting moment — it’s karmic closure.”
>In 1998 is when I put on the suit in the X-Files spoof I wrote and realized I was Trans*, and then was so terrified that I put it away and started performing hard feminine…
but I knew, the Truth Was Out There and I Wanted to Believe so badly, and eventually, it found me.
“Aries is the first astrological sign of the zodiac, embodying the spirit of initiation. It indicates a period where we feel energized and brave. It is the first of three fire signs and those born under this sign tend to have lively, dynamic personalities. It is also one of four cardinal signs that mark the start of the seasons, emphasizing Aries’ action-orientation.
In Aries season, we formulate goals, gather our courage and take our first bold step into the unknown. Who are we? What do we stand for? Aries asks us to define our mission statement. If you become overwhelmed with the magnitude of an undertaking, look to the ram for guidance. This creature charges to show dominance and Aries natives know that a few ill-thought-out decisions might be made in the name of proving ourselves or kick-starting a crusade. But rams also have excellent vision. We can take this quality as a cue to lead through inspiration instead of brute force. Aries season efforts might not prove immediately successful, but they are always fruitful because, through trial and error, we gain experience and confidence for the journey ahead. … Aries connects to myths of heroic beginnings, such as Jason and the Golden Fleece. These tales inspire you to embark on your own quests, taking risks and claiming new territories. Reflect on where your courage can spark renewal, carving a path of authenticity and leadership in the face of uncertainty.” <Ha! Of course I pulled that Wishbone video game out of the dusty annals of my memory today… I was always already on these initiatory herox’s journeys, the Odyssey and King’s Quest and Myst, harkening to my Atlantean past and my present incarnation as the astrological representation of humanity’s transition from the Piscean age to the Age of Aquarius, as Laurence said…
I want to understand the Venusian/Scorpio/Lilith part of my chart better, maybe I will write him…
