Hot for the Moon / Venus Rising / the Return of Austin
Things feel possible again.
Lxo is even talking about moving to Berlin with Alis and I told them that if they come, I will get the German visa for them, so we can all live together.
Again, the third dimension, reconciling the tension of opposites.
Just like Laurence talked about in Archetypal Astrology class, and then Austin and I talked about later, of course, because everything’s on purpose.
To quote my own channeled song for the musical: “Oh shit, I just solved consciousness—the meaning of existence is this! (Pythagorus:) TRIANGLES”
Our life purpose, according to astrology, is defined by the North Node, and mine’s relationships. But I also have Venus and Mars in Aquarius, and my whole chart represents humanity’s transition from the Age of Pisces to the Age of Aquarius, and Laurence said in my reading that my life purpose was to redefine what love means, the way we conceive of it and everything related to it, like relationship structure and gender.
A tenet of archetypal astrology is: “you do the planets, or the planets do you.” So today, this weekend, as I stride into the eclipse portal, I am doing my Venus. I get scared when I think about relationships, partnerships, and instantly, before I even finished the journal entry, it made me sick. I also ate Brazil nuts for too many days in a row right after a lot of cacao and I think I got selenium toxicity, but I also realized in the aftermath of being struck with a debilitating nausea, fatigue, and bone-hollowness like I’ve never felt, which laid me out on the couch and literally sent me into sleep for several hours, that it might have been possession by any number of archetypal expressions that are in my chart and circle: Lilith, Pluto, Scorpio, the dark side of Venus.
I also realized that I am still doing the thing where I cut myself down to try and relate, but this is the OPPOSITE of my dharma, because in order to help people, you have to have something they want, and you have to actually demonstrate the healing, which means you can’t stay mired in the trauma, you have to come out on the other side and show them a better way is possible—that you WERE where they are, and found a better way, and can help them help themselves just like you did.
And it struck me that I am keeping myself small and limited in many ways: why am I acting like relationships have to be defined a certain way? Like my chart is stuck in the 1950s or something? Charts are living and dynamic, and the whole POINT of my Aquarian angles is that I am innovating and throwing out the labels. So then I was channeling that maybe this “poly for the planet” thing I received a while back means that the way I revolutionize love and relationships and live my dharma and come out the other side of the snapshot of the sky through my North Node is by redefining partnership as well to also mean with things that aren’t in bodies; if I can cite plants and trees and dead people as academic sources, why can’t they also be my lovers and poly partners?
I think they already are. There’s a reason I’ve left the tab for my “hot for the moon/hot for knowledge” download open, I really am; when I answer Laurence’s own journal prompt for Venus, “what turns you on?,” part of my answer IS nature, and it’s learning, and it’s all the things I knew I was into when I was a kid.
hot for the moon and hot for teacher
and by that I mean the plants and trees
heavenly bodies
and dead things
the sexy compost that fertilizes new life
oh, that sweet plutonian influence on the scorpion
that makes right angles with my love machine
in the sign that means throw out the labels
and redefine what relationship even means
Austin is returning, too, the part of me that was trapped by the fire in that South Congress apartment, putting all their energy into self-gaslighting, having to hide things so well that even MDMA and my higher Self couldn’t find them, which is the same one that had to forget they were queer and trans when they were 10. Because if I knew, then God knew. If I knew, the medicine would find them and Marc would know, too.
The remix that will allow them to unburden is that the real fear there wasn’t about being cast out of home—it was about being sent back there. Home was trauma. Home was the house of the devouring mother. I wasn’t afraid Marc would kill me—though that was a real fear too—so much as it was about being afraid he’d kick me out and then I’d have to move back in with my mom and I would disappear completely.
So of course, at this time I reconnect with Ruvani, and Austin comes back into the portal with me, because the subconscious works in metaphor and symbol. Time to bring that part back from Austin and give them a real home.
And part of that means redefinition, revising what home and safe and love is.
Reading with Laurence Hillman - January
very important as he discusses my program in depth, why it’s the perfect fit, and how my chart is a model for the entire transition of humanity from the Age of Pisces to the Age of Aquarius. No shit.
Laurence Hillman conducted a natal chart reading for Royden Regan, born December 13, 1984, in Redmond, Washington. Regan is currently enrolled in a PhD program and seeking a visa in Europe. Hillman highlighted key astrological aspects: Uranus and Jupiter in Sagittarius, Venus and Mars in Aquarius, Pluto on the ascendant, and Saturn in Scorpio. Regan's chart reflects a tension between his private nature and his public persona, with a significant Pluto-Moon dyad. Hillman advised Regan to embrace his Uranian energy and suggested focusing his PhD on the concept of love and relationships, integrating his experiences with ecstatic dance and plant medicine.
So of course I’m hot for the moon, I remembered that Chandra’s name MEANS moon, and then I looked up the meaning in Sanskrit and it’s actually a TRANS name:
“In Sanskrit, "Chandra" (चन्द्र) means "moon" or "shining" and is also the name of the Hindu lunar god, associated with softness, sensitivity, emotion, and fertility.
Here's a more detailed breakdown:
Meaning: "Chandra" (चन्द्र) translates to "moon" or "shining".
Hindu Lunar God: Chandra is the name of the Hindu lunar god, often depicted as fair and young.
Associations: He is associated with softness, sensitivity, emotion, and fertility.
Other Names: Chandra is also referred to as Soma, and is considered one of the Navagrahas (nine planets) in traditional Indian astronomy.
Vedic Context: In Vedic times, Chandra was identified with the Vedic Soma, a divine drink believed to grant immortality.
Iconography: Chandra is often depicted in a three-wheeled chariot drawn by ten white horses.
Other meanings: Cāndra (चान्द्र) can mean "lunar", "light half of a month" or "lunar month". Chandrabindu: Chandrabindu (IAST: candrabindu) is a diacritic sign with the form of a dot inside the lower half of a circle, used in several scripts to indicate nasalization of a vowel.”
And I felt “Stephen energy” and had flashbacks of him when I was staring off the balcony at Angela’s apartment high on cocaine at 3 am with Chandra sleeping behind me, so close and so out of reach, because with him was, at the time, the last time I had touched that place of trans love and felt safe.
but david and maria came later and that was the beginning of a true Gnosis
I smelled spring in the air today in Berlin and it reminded me of that time in Seattle when I really believed I could make something happen and I became the line that made their triangle
Hot for the Moon and the Calendar
Riordan Regan reflects on their recent experiences with sexuality, existential kink, and spirituality, drawing connections between personal growth, historical events, and cultural influences. They discuss the impact of cacao and chocolate on their sexual desires, the role of pleasure in reducing consumption and violence, and the importance of sensory learning. Regan also explores the historical significance of the Ides of March, drawing parallels to modern societal issues and the desire for dominance. They express a longing to reconnect with pagan practices and the natural world, emphasizing the need for embodied, sensory experiences to ground spiritual knowledge.
Action Items
Explore pagan practices and the Wheel of the Year during an upcoming trip to Ireland.
Reflect on the concept of "rejection kink" and why the speaker is drawn to missed opportunities.
Experiment with using cacao as a way to ground spiritual experiences in the body.
Outline
Exploring the Nature of Worship and Veneration
Speaker 1 discusses the historical context of worshipping entities that couldn't be perceived with the senses, emphasizing the shift from worship to veneration.
Riordan Regan reflects on the concept of veneration, suggesting it involves changing the definition of what is considered sacred.
The conversation touches on the idea of living wide in the eye and the experience of allowing oneself to be sexual.
Riordan Regan shares a personal experience of being sexual for the first time in years and its impact on their mind and body.
Existential Kink and Pleasure
Riordan Regan talks about the existential kink and its connection to a past injury, noting its reemergence.
They mention three separate people bringing up the concept of I, K, S, K, Berlin to them, which they were reading about before an event.
Riordan Regan reflects on the idea that more pleasure in the body would reduce consumption, war, and abuse, and how this influenced their behavior.
They describe their experience of being part of a group and fulfilling others' needs, noting a lack of interest in their own pleasure.
Selfless Sexual Interaction and Cacao
Riordan Regan questions if their recent sexual interaction was the first truly selfless one in their life.
They discuss the role of cacao and chocolate as replacements for sexual sustenance, suggesting a higher expression of the same energy.
Riordan Regan shares their experience of consciously dissociating and engaging with Damiana at the temple, noting the subtle effects.
They reflect on the desire to be part of a group and the feeling of safety, without strong physical attraction.
Cultural and Historical Reflections
Riordan Regan draws parallels between the Ides of March and the assassination of Julius Caesar, noting the Roman calendar's lunar cycles.
They discuss the historical context of March as the beginning of the new year and its subsequent dark reputation.
Riordan Regan reflects on the legacy of Catholic guilt and the impact of social anxiety and awkwardness.
They mention the calendar's influence on their consciousness and the significance of the Ides of March.
Spirituality and Embodiment
Riordan Regan explores the idea of spiritual satisfaction reducing the body's need for sex, questioning if it's denial or bypassing.
They discuss the influence of Catholic guilt and the story of social anxiety, tracing it back to their Irish legacy.
Riordan Regan reflects on the importance of being in alignment with natural cycles and the desire to reconnect with the cosmic cycles.
They express excitement about connecting with pagan practices in Ireland and the vision of themselves as part of the natural world.
Rejection and Existential Kink
Riordan Regan shares their reaction to being rejected from an event, noting the existential kink of rejection and devaluation.
They reflect on the human tendency to want what they can't have and the desire to run naked in the forest.
Riordan Regan discusses the importance of being of service and the potential for research to be another form of consumption.
They emphasize the need for experiential learning and the role of the body in grounding knowledge.
Cacao and Embodiment
Riordan Regan reflects on the importance of cacao in their practice, noting its role in grounding spiritual experiences.
They discuss the challenge of connecting without cacao and the abstract nature of spiritual practices without a somatic component.
Riordan Regan shares their experience of sitting in front of an altar and the need for something to bridge the realms.
They reframe the cacao story, emphasizing its importance in grounding spiritual experiences.
Transhumanism and Embodiment
Riordan Regan discusses the origins of transhumanism and the goal of technology and psychedelics to make humans more human, not less.
They reflect on the importance of embracing the body and the sensory experience in learning and spiritual practices.
Riordan Regan shares their experience of being deprived of senses in the Great Pyramid and the impact on their understanding of transhumanism.
They emphasize the role of trans people as shamans and alchemists, embracing the sexiness of death and decomposition.
The Role of the Body in Knowledge
Riordan Regan reflects on the importance of grounding knowledge in the body for long-term retention.
They discuss the origins of writing and its role in depriving people of their sensory experiences.
Riordan Regan shares their experience of sitting in darkness in the Great Pyramid and the impact on their understanding of transhumanism.
They emphasize the need for experiential learning and the role of the body in grounding knowledge.
Embracing the Sensory Experience
Riordan Regan discusses the importance of making learning sensory and grounding it in the body.
They reflect on the role of the senses in remembering and the impact of depriving people of their senses.
Riordan Regan shares their experience of being in the darkness in the Great Pyramid and the impact on their understanding of transhumanism.
They emphasize the need for experiential learning and the role of the body in grounding knowledge.
Transcript (LISTEN):
Speaker 1: It's under worship because they couldn't conceive of having a relationship and something you couldn't see or perceive with the senses. Venerate, veneration.
They said it was worship. They said we made them deities, but really we just realized they were entities like any other we could communicate
Riordan: with beyond the borders and the confines of our minds and bodies, changing the definition.
Speaker 1: What counts is living widening the I to let more light in. Last night, I allowed myself to be sexual
Riordan: for the first time in years, five of them. It's prompted something interesting. It's prompting me getting all nerdy enough in the mind. So is this an escapist tactic to get me out of my body? Because what's still contained there is too painful, maybe. But I've also been calling something in about the existential kink, again, a spiral from
a spiral from around this time when I was injured. It's a little later existential kink coming back in again. So there's something in this for me now I'm trying to listen three separate people brought up i, k, s, k, Berlin to me last night, which I just happened right to be reading. Right before leaving last night, I was reading their manifesto and had an important message, if the body felt more pleasure, we wouldn't do so much consuming. We wouldn't make so much war. We wouldn't have so much abuse. More oxytocin, less serotonin and dopamine. I don't know, but it was in my mind as I allowed myself to go there, as I allowed myself to open, and then I observed my behavior in the aftermath. And I watched how, after I separated, I watched how, when I was with the group, I was commenting on my experience and noticing, huh,
yeah, I guess that feeling of consuming, of needing to consume, something is totally gone now. And in fact, I had really no interest in my own pleasure. It was just nice to be part of a group in feeling us all supporting each other and to be meeting the needs of other people, of the person who asked for regulation after an uncomfortable situation, and the other person who asked for us to fulfill her fantasy of blindfolding and tickling feathers. It was so cute. It felt so good. And in fact, I had an active non desire to be interacted with. I didn't want to get myself off at all. I just wanted to make the other people feel good. And I wonder if maybe it was the first selfless sexual interaction I've ever had in my life, truly. I mean, I don't know I went there with Steven. So, okay, that's not true. That's the story. I went there with Steven a lot, but I've never done it in a conscious, embodied way like that. Before it was cool, it's really beautiful. But yeah, I noticed that as soon as we separated, I started going to the fruit table every time I felt uncomfortable, and later, once the chocolate came out, then it was all over. I just started eating that and didn't even want to try for connection anymore. And there is something to this cacao and chocolate as replacements for sexual sustenance, but it also kind of makes me wonder if maybe that's because cacao is a higher expression of the same energy, and if it's kind of like the idea of spiritual anorexia and light information replacing the need for food. Because, like, I don't know. I consciously dissociated last night.
I sat with a pretty high for me, dose of amanita and cacao before leaving the house. And then engaged with Damiana at the temple. It was all like super mild and subtle, but I definitely was observing my own self. I a lot, and it was really interesting because, yeah, I just, I don't know I was, I didn't feel the desire to the point that I was analyzing, and was like, maybe that's just done now. But then I did see that couple, and I felt really drawn to them, and I wanted to be part of what they were doing. And there was, there were a couple groups, so maybe it's just that I wasn't super physically into my people, and they just felt nice and safe. And so I didn't feel very sexual tourism. I don't know it was interesting. I did almost have the feeling it's like, maybe it's because it's, I mean, if sex is the holy longing and the desire for divine reunion, then if I'm getting spiritually satisfied, maybe my body doesn't need as much, but I don't know that might just be denial. It might just be bypassing. It probably is
all that Catholic guilt in the legacy. I got up in my head and got out of the mood. And the story of social anxiety and being awkward started playing, but I didn't even really believe it. It just was like a tape that started running. It didn't have any more potency. And I can't help but think of the Irish legacy, the tiny violin playing, the sad stories, all that Catholic guilt and shame, giant Irish families where rents were abandoned. So maybe that's where that storyline of social anxiety and awkwardness, fear of being ostracized comes from. How many children died because the church decided pleasure was a sin. Then all of a sudden, the calendar injected itself into my consciousness, inserted itself into my awareness, which is kind of cool. I was drawn to look up the Ides of March, which is about the assassination of Julius Caesar. And here we are, the calendar coming in hot and heavy again. The Roman calendar was based on lunar cycles, which meant it kept getting out of sync with what was really happening? Hot for the moon. That series I was drawn to draw new layers of meaning are now coming into it. The time, keeping the day, keeping Lumination tracking.
Oh yeah, baby, tease me. The moon is sexy. Astronomy and Astrology makes me excited. Divination and cycles, the seasons, the nations, deaths and resurrections are the things that get me off.
Is my sexuality lying fallow and not dead entirely? Or has it been transmuted into something else, now, more abstract, desire for the natural world and the union with its creatures to be returned to the earth? Is this trauma denial, repression, bypassing? Or have I just changed into another thing? Calendars are guiding me, and as the month of March begins today, I looked up the Ides and saw but this was a way of measuring lunar cycles with the halfway point. Usually it's the time when the moon is most full in a given month. It strikes me that the time keepers in the Roman system, where the church fathers and I guess they're always the spiritual leaders, the Church Fathers, always ending up with extra days and having to account for them because they weren't in alignment. Capitalism producing excess is a way to grow an unnatural system. I
There's something in the entwinement of time of spirituality. Being in alignment is important, but we haven't been since we were pagan. March used to be the beginning of the new year, a time of celebration, but after Caesar was assassinated, it got a dark reputation. The eyes meant the first full moon of a month
in 44 BC, he was stabbed 23 times. How's that for numerology? And Caesar was Trump. And I can't help but thinking that we are in the ith of March repeating with what's happening in the American empire as this collapsing around everybody. Caesar was a dictator who reinforced unequal power dynamics, a Trumpian figure who appealed to soldiers and was wealthy who put his likeness on everything, who was really into private property and gave himself the power to accept or reject election results. Sound familiar? Jesus? People said he would make himself a king, and he called himself a dictator for life. That wasn't just a Calvin Hobbs thing. Trump would do this if he could. Caesar was murdered by a group that called themselves the liberators, who stabbed him 23 times, and there's that high weirdness number, cosmic trigger. They fondled the cosmic trigger and stabbed him to death, but it didn't have the result that they were expecting. Turns out, the people didn't want to be liberated because they liked the tax benefits. So the country became destabilized. It was the end of the Republican, beginning of true empire. Feels like a prediction of where America is heading. The successor, Octavian, became a true emperor, and the dark side rose because people wanted to be dominated. They wanted to give it all away. And after, after Octavian went astray, they believed that Augustus could save them, and they begged for a dictator, because Westerners want to be dominated. We're so hot for it. We want to give it all away to the god, like leader, to our big daddy, whether he's God or Caesar. We act like we're so tough and independent, but really, all we want is to be bent over and to submit, because it's unnatural, because this system that we've created of dominance and oppression and power over is unnatural, and our souls Know It. And so that kink, that shadow, goes somewhere, and it turns into the desire to be spanked like a little baby, which is always, I mean, Trump wearing diapers. Hello. It's always what happens so obvious, so obviously, like it makes me angry we consume, and it's empty because we are disconnected with the earth spirituality, right of sync with the seasons and the cycles, and it makes everyone go crazy hot for the moon means longing to reconnect with the cosmic cycles again. And I'm so excited to go to Ireland and connect with the pagan practices. I really feel like this is going to change things, to plug into the Wheel of the Year. I got a vision of myself in a cave like the Kelly, swaddled in deerskin. Learning through direct experience, without human teachers, my friends, the animals, eating mushrooms and communing with the land and the forest directly embedded and entangled in it, indistinguishable where I ended and it began, just visions of myself as eyes emerging from a nurse log behind a burning fire. I want to get hot and heavy with the humus, decompose my meat, Alchemy, dissolve me and acid and crumble my bones into the stratigraphic layers, make me a deposit sedimentary to pull towards death is not the pull towards death is lust, but not the way the church twisted it, not because lust is wrong, but because it's the same urge As death, the one to disappear completely and dissolve the separate self. And it felt good to make my friend feel good last night and not care about myself. We were her nurse logs of pleasure and dying for her desire. I'm
really sad that we got rejected from breaking convention and I drew the card of the poet who said, it may not seem that others care about your words, but trust that the wind will carry it. When I found out we didn't get it, my first urge was to run back to the jungle. It almost felt liberating this existential kink of rejection, though there's something really potent in that, but I think I have to explore and I think the real medicine is in feeling into that, and in not just dissolving and disappearing again. What is this rejection kink? Why do I love to be devalued? Why do I love to be turned away? Why do I love to miss opportunities? I can't get enough of it. I can't get enough of not putting enough effort into things that I actually do care about, and then getting rejected and it really hurting, and then me acting like I didn't care about it. Anyways. Yeah, always wanting what I can't have. Why is that such a human thing?
I don't know. Maybe there is also just something pure in that, maybe the remixes, but I actually just don't care about the earthly gratification anymore, and I just want to run naked in the forest and be a nobody. But that also makes me feel that I'm not being of service, and then what's the point of existing?
All of a sudden, I feel hot for research. But isn't that just another form of consumption to swallow the knowledge, and then what do I do with it? Spit it out or turn it into shit. The shit can power the system, if applied appropriately, waste versus compost. Hot for teacher is a thing, because humans like learning, but you got to do something with it, and you got to make it experiential, like Bettina was talking about, if learning is sensory, so we have to learn with the body and not the mind. This is the key. Is hot for research or bypass. Then, is this all of a sudden desire to tickle my mind a good thing, because, like, part of me feels like that's me returning to the world of the forms, but I don't know. I think I've been spending all this time in the astral, and that's still not been in the body or which is interesting, because I felt like sitting in front of the altar time. It's really engaging the spiritual, but if there's no somatic component, I don't know, am I bypassing well, but then I'm not, and I think, okay, so this is why cacao feels so important, because that's the embodiment part of the practice. Because something has to ground, it to the earth. Something has to make it, yeah, lived in my experience, something has to bridge the realms. That's what it fucking is. Holy shit. No wonder cacao feels so important, and no wonder it feels like I can't quite connect without it, because it without it, it's just really abstract. That's so interesting. So the other day when I was sitting and just falling asleep over and over again, and just kind of like caught in the hypnogogic state, because I didn't sit with any medicine. It's because the medicines are bridged between the grounds, and if there's no way to bring it down into this one, and you're just stuck in the world of symbols swimming in the language of the other realm without a cipher. Holy shit. Look at that reframing the cacao story. Finally, they've had so much shame around why do I feel like they need it? Because something has to ground it, and there's other ways to do that in the shamanic journey sometimes has in the past, and that's why I was trying to do that the other day. And who knows why it wasn't working, maybe just so I could Have this realization, because that does feel really important.
Speaker 1: anyway.
Riordan: Oh, we're just begging for a dictator. We Westerners. We're so hot for God-like figures, Big Daddy in the sky. But we're really hot for the moon. We're really hot for teacher. We're really hot for our mother, the one we really learn from. Because true knowledge is somatic. It lives in the body. So if you want someone to remember something, you have to make it sensory. This is what Bettina was saying that I found so fascinating. Learning has to become experiential again. We have to ground it in the body. We have to ground it in the sensory we have to rehabilitate the feeling function. The only way you remember something is if your body holds on to it, because knowledge is somatic, and this is why the stuff from Egypt has been coming through again so hot we wrote it down in our diaries so we wouldn't have to remember it in our bodies. We wrote it down in our diaries so we wouldn't have to remember it in our bodies. We wrote it down in our diaries we wouldn't have to remember it in our bodies. This transmitted to me when we were deprived of our senses in the Great Pyramid when we were sitting in the darkness. And it strikes me that this is the origins of transhumanism. And so of course, that podcast with Carl and Gallimore, I haven't even listened to it, but it just made me think of that whole transhumanist debate, and what he was saying when we were in Egypt, what he says all the time, and what I believe is that the goal of technology and psychedelics and spirituality should be to make us more human, not less, and at the same time, to transcend it, To transcend and include, don't give trans a bad name, dude. Transhumanism meaning leaving our bodies behind. But that's not what trans means. Trans means to bring everything with you as you go to the higher plane. And when we invented writing, that's when we first started leaving our bodies behind, because the system was designed to fix and place a world that was always changing. Change scared us, and we wanted to just become heads floating in space, because the pain of embodiment was too great, the decay and the shape shifting inherent in it was too scary, and this is why trans people are the emergent archetype, the shaman, alchemist, because we embrace this. In fact, it's kind of our whole life. So embrace the sexiness of death and decomposition. Hot for the moon means becoming embodied again, becoming a creature again, becoming sensory again. Death doesn't hurt at all. It's only our resistance. So allow yourself to be dominated by the soul soil and the seasons.
Let the planet be your dominatrix. You just have to find the Safe Word.
Hot for the Moon series, charcoal and ink on paper, 2025
Venus Heliacal 12 Ajpu Divine Reflections
Listen: 1 / 2
Riordan Regan reflects on his inner struggles with self-love, repression, and fear of intimacy, tracing back to childhood and past relationships. He discusses his complex emotions, including a deep connection with a woman named Chelsea, and his desire to explore his "Venus," which represents his inner lesbian and repressed emotions. Riordan also delves into astrology, particularly his Pluto in Scorpio, and the collective repression of certain archetypes. He contemplates the idea of love and intimacy beyond traditional boundaries, suggesting a relationship with trans-dimensional entities or even inanimate objects. The conversation ends with Riordan feeling physically unwell, possibly due to his emotional turmoil and dietary choices.</div>
Venus and Personal Reflections
Riordan Regan discusses the significance of Venus being in the house, emphasizing its connection to the moon and knowledge.
Venus's rise in the springtime is highlighted, noting it hasn't happened since 2017, coinciding with personal changes and self-discovery.
The journaling prompt "What turns you on?" is introduced, focusing on exploration, adventure, and personal passions.
Riordan reflects on the excitement of traveling with a backpack and the memories of Greece, particularly the sense of freedom experienced as a nomad.
Exploring Greece and Personal Liberation
Riordan reminisces about Greece, describing it as a mystical land that brought a sense of release and reconnection to the pagan self.
The experience of visiting temples, museums, and the Cretan island is recounted, emphasizing the sense of adventure and discovery.
The importance of portals and astral reconnection is mentioned, with specific references to experiences with Raina, Chandra, and Cocaine.
Riordan shares the significance of these experiences in allowing the expression of inner aspects, particularly the lesbian part of her identity.
Gaslighting and Repressed Memories
Riordan reflects on a key moment with Angela and Chandra in 2017, during the divorce portal, and the realization of gaslighting.
The gaslighting experienced with Stephen is acknowledged, revealing a repressed aspect of her past.
The realization that the gaslighting was not entirely Marc's fault but also Stephen's is a significant personal insight.
This revelation highlights the importance of addressing and understanding past traumas and their impact on personal growth.
(2)
Reflecting on Inner Love and Repression
Fear of loving himself and others
Life consumed by external substances
Realizing extent of repressed emotions
Memory of watching a movie with Chelsea
II. Reconnecting with Past and Present
Significance of reconnecting with Austin and Riveni
Desire to get in touch with inner lesbian
Exploring emotional journey
Reflecting on divorce and past experiences
III. Exploring Universal Archetypes and Repression
Universal archetypes like Venus and Pluto
Collective repression of emotional energies
Astrological influences
Love driven by universal archetypes
IV. The Venusian Revelation and Addictive Patterns
Moment of revelation while journaling
Physical and emotional exhaustion
Channeling Venusian energy into shamanism
Questioning traditional relationships
V. Sacred Longing and Physical Illness
Exploring sacred longing and devotional love
Physical manifestation of emotional confrontation
Considering relationships beyond physical bodies
Reclaiming Venusian energy through discomfort
Transcript:
Venus is in the house right now. So what gets me going? Hot for the moon, hot for knowledge. It's been up on my computer all week for a reason, because Venus is in the house again. Venus is rising for the first time in the springtime Since 2017 since I left my marriage and fell in love with myself and got free again,
Venus is rising in the springtime for the first time since 2016 17, I 17, and so we're all being asked to look at our Venus. So what turns you on? It's the journaling prompt. And today the journal takes audio form, hot for the moon, hot for knowledge, hot for the things I thought I forgot, hot for learning,
hot for religion, Hot for all the parts we had to keep hidden,
hot for what we buried, rejected and kept like a secret, waiting to be resurrected like Jesus.
What Am I hot for? What gets me going exploration and adventure. What really turns me on walking out the door with a backpack and a hot, sunny road ahead, I think of Greece more than anything. Honestly, I think of when I first went Nomad and I felt a taste of freedom like I never had, walking out the door, going to museums, going to a temple, going to elusive, going to Yeah or enough Cleo, going to the fuck do you call
it? Going to the Cretan at the Davos in on Crete, walking around the island. ARAG Leon, Yeah, fucking rag Leon. I
i hot for the mystical lands of Greece, hot for the place where I felt release, hot for the place where I felt my pagan self come alive, hot for the place where I remembered.
Hot for portals and reconnection to the astral, hot for portals, looking at them with Raina, hot for portals, cocaine and Chandra, hot for portals where briefly a world opened up, where I could be safe with them, where I could express with them, where I could show my inner lesbian. Hot for a world where that part of me got to come forth
and remember,
honestly got to remember the part of me that I had to repress when I was with Steven. This feels like a key, and I think this is part of why I was fixating on him that cocaine night with Angela and Chandra, which probably was in 2017 during the divorce portal, because the gaslighting started when I was with fucking Steven, this is the part that I feel like I've been repressing Holy fucking shit. The gaslighting started when I was with Steven and I've been acting like it was all barks fault. Oh, that's interesting.
(Recording 2:)
It can no longer be avoided. Do your Venus? I've dodged her like no other, my inner lover, the one repressed so long before so many times, so afraid to love myself, so afraid to love another, so afraid to let anyone under the hood, even me, so afraid to look at to even answer the question, what turns you on? Prompts rejection of myself by me, promotes embarrassment, shame, running awayness, the most base of human emotion,
afraid of being consumed. Of course, my life then became about food, drinks, drugs and things that you put in your body. What do you consume and What's eating you? Gilbert Grape,
time traveling with a diamond needle back to Austin, Texas, the music capital I
both parts of me are still sitting around the fire waiting to be brought home.
This is a big step this morning, even just realizing that the gas lighting started with Stephen realizing how long these parts have been locked away for. And of course, it started long before him. Of course, it started with the Christian ship and Pulp Fiction. Ooh, Pulp Fiction was coming in hot the other day, because that was Chelsea watching that movie in her basement. Something awakened where some part of me realized I was in love with her, and I didn't know how to say it. And I think it was mutual, and I think she felt it too. And I think I may never know for sure, but I know we were both there on that Thanksgiving Day. We both were there when we were watching Elastic Heart and drinking all day, and that bar in Bellevue, and it was so beautiful that it was almost worth the entire divorce. Sometimes I even kind of wonder if that's part of what it was about. There's definitely a connection. Doing my Venus means getting in touch with the inner lesbian. Doing my Venus means getting in touch with the skin cancer, and there's a reason why I now have another growth on my face that I have to deal with. Doing my Venus means looking at what's been repressed below the surface since I was a little kid. Doing my Venus means getting myself back from the fire. Doing my Venus means getting us all out of Austin. And I just like it makes me want to cry. I just love the perfection of the universe that I reconnected with Austin, that I reconnected with riveni, who's in a state that I was in when I was in that place. It all happens for a reason. So what turns me on? Maybe it's safer to talk it than to write it. It's wandering out the door in Greece, and there's something with this. What turns me on is walking out the door with a backpack in Greece and going to an ancient site and disappearing through the centuries and disappearing into the gradient, the cerulean gradient, of sea meeting sky, all melting into one the colors indescribable, more a feeling than a sight. You can wrap yourself up and disappearing through centuries. But so there's something in this part that's still trapped at the fireplace and Austin, it's the part that's still trapped by the fire. With Searcy is the wishbone video game with Odysseus, and has been being turned into pigs. And I didn't want to leave the fire then either I liked that part of the game. I liked the part at night where you could hang out with a witch by the fire. She was hot. I wanted to stay with Searcy forever.
What turns me on is staying with Circe forever. And why not? I mean, someone's got to be Searcy and she's got to have witch friends. Can't we just be with the witches? Can't we just be in the forest? Can't we just be in the fire on the magical island? There's part of me that's stuck on lesbian island with Searcy. There's part of me that's stuck on lesbian Island waiting for Searcy Odysseus not wanting to go home to Ithaca. Maybe we don't have to. Maybe the point isn't to get Odysseus out there, out of there, and get him home to Ithaca. Maybe the point is that he was never supposed to be in Ithaca to begin with. Maybe the point is that he was supposed to stay with the witches. Maybe the point is that he was supposed to realize that he was trans, and live on lesbian Island forever with his friends.
And real quick before God sees this was the whole thing with Mark. This is like fucking and drinking and quick get to oblivion before he sees us. Mars. And Venus is a quick in Aquarius. To me, is Lana Del Rey, having a lot of sex, having a lot of hot sex in a red dress with someone dangerous in a Hollywood mansion, and then driving off the cliff while auto erotic, asphyxiating, fucking your lover as you plunge over the side like Thelma and Louise, if they'd let themselves try. And this is Plutonian. My love is Plutonian. My love is scorpion. My Pluto is in Scorpio ascending, which makes me want to descend into the depths when mixed with the Christian shame consciousness and just that astrology. I mean, fuck, part of it is just my planet, and so that should be a relief. It's not all about Christian trauma. Part of it is activate. Okay, here's the liberation, here's the remix. It's not all Christian trauma. It's also about tapping into these universal archetypes. It's also about tapping into things that the whole collective represses. And Lauren Sillman talks about this. The collective represses Pluto. The collective wants to pretend like it doesn't exist. The collective represses Scorpio. It wants to quash the dark feminine. The collective represses all of these energies within ourselves. We want to pretend like we don't want to fuck Our lover in a car driving off the cliff, but we do. We want to pretend like we're not hot for death and hot for the moon and hot for compost, hot for the shit in our hand that we don't want to look at, hot for the things that our culture decided were inappropriate. We but you do the planets or the planets, do you? And Venus has been doing me my whole life, even though the more I've run from her, the more she's been doing me without me even realizing it. Fuck this is it. This is the addictive patterns. Oh, my God, this is it. This is all the addictions. And so the revolution and the revelation happens, not even while sitting in front of the altar, not even while doing something big, while sitting here, doodling hearts in a journal, sipping tea, sitting on the couch in Berlin. Wow. In between ceremonies is when the revelation comes. Of course, that's huge, but in this moment, it feels like nothing. I'm just so tired. Because this is part of the venous repression. It's fucking exhausting. It's taken so much energy, and like, even just thinking about what turns me on makes all the life drain out of my body. Like, literally, I feel like my muscles are weak, like my muscles are hollow, like my bones are hollow, I feel like what turns you on gives me osteoporosis. It's like my bones can't support it. All of a sudden, everything in me feels hollow. That's funny. I am a hollow bone right now, but I don't feel like it's in the good way. My muscles feel all tense and full of bees. I feel like I'm full of bees and yet empty. I'm a shell made of bees with an empty center. That sounds kind of shamanistic, though, so maybe I can reframe it. Maybe this is just a receptive state for shamanism, and maybe the way to reclaim some of this Venus nervous energy is to channel it into channeling. What if this is actually the perfect state for receiving? What
if the shamanistic state is Venusian? What if my Venus is being hot for channeling? What if that's the reframe. Because I was thinking this morning like, who says that the relationship has to be with something in a body that's so basic, I'm thinking way too small about this shit. I'm thinking way too Piscean when I need to think Aquarian. The real trans way would be about having a relationship with something, not in a body, even if it's one on one, like maybe my lover is someone who is dead, and I just haven't met them yet. Maybe my lover is Searcy. Maybe my lover is a priestess from Delphi. Maybe my lover is on these witches from the forest. Maybe my lover is Bridget. Maybe my lover is some Amanita Siberian Shaman. Maybe it's the one I saw in that vision. It's a Paleolithic maybe my lover is the one who painted a six fingered hand on a cave in France, or a horse with a uterus, that'd be fucking cool. Yeah. What if my pathway is a love affair with a dead person with a trans dimensional entity, and maybe my pull to the other side of my longing and always staring out the window is because they've been out there this whole time to begin with. That'd be a fucking cool remix. I open to that possibility. I am open to relationship and love and intimacy with anyone, with any entity embody. Embodied or not. I mean, hell doesn't even have to be human. With the plant within Anita herself for the mushroom, with the tree, with the moon. I'm hot for the moon. I already said it. Spoon, huh? This is cute. I like this. And all of a sudden, this isn't like me being trapped in some kind of weird liminal state. It's actually beautiful, because this is the sacred longing. This is devotional. I Al.
I'm doing my venom, baby me sick, like physically ill. I now all of a sudden feel like, what was this activation of a kind of sexual energy is like turned into a kidney infection, I kind of feel like I have a kidney infection. I feel really sick. I feel really sick to my stomach. I feel like I'm gonna throw up. And I feel like my back is activated, and I feel like my genitals are activated. And I don't know if any of this is actually really a medical problem or if it's purely the news in Ian. I feel horrible. I feel like I'm dying. I feel like I'm gonna throw up. just ate fucking Brazil nuts, and realize then that you're not even supposed to eat, like, even the three nuts a day that my fucking nutritionist prescribed is like, double what they actually recommend online. And I've been doing I've been eating a lot of Brazil nuts lately. I don't know why is this. The urge to die is still manifesting. Does my fucking suicidal impulse always have to come out somewhere? Oh, I feel so sick. Suicidal impulse always have to come out somewhere. Oh, I feel so sick.
