Too much, not enough kids
So on the day eight Q’anil, the day of abundance and celebration, I woke up in a panic. I thought someone was breaking into the house. I thought I heard it. The day of celebration and abundance, and instead of waking up in joy, I woke up in terror that someone was taking it from me. This is a colonialist consumer legacy, but it goes deeper than that. For me, this tale of scarcity, the fear of abundance, that's not my story. That's her shit. Every time we celebrate, she decides it's going to make her sick before she even starts. So then, of course, it happens. She says she's entering in but it really ruins all the fun, and it puts everyone on edge, because we're all just waiting to see if it's gonna actually make her sick. Is this the time it doesn't happen. Is this the time she's gonna just chill the fuck out and relax and enter in with us? Does everything have to be about her? And that's the thing, and that's the irony, is that she acts like it's about everybody else, but this is the covert narcissism of codependence. When you make sure everyone knows what a big deal it is that you're giving how much you're sacrificing for them, she can't even let Jim have some wine and dinner without him paying for it by listening to her later being sick in the bathroom. Look what your celebration does to me. Look how your abundance is my scarcity,
because she claims she can't do it without overdoing it, binge and purging the story, the cycle, the too much and not enough Ness. It started long before me,
and this is add, and here's the black kitty here to help me, my baby,
the ADD. Kid doesn't learn how to self regulate because they get too much from their parent in some cases. And this is the case that I am presented with, and this is where the whole pattern of the too much, not enough. Kid started to begin with. She gave me too much. She didn't let me look away. She wouldn't let me break the gaze. She would get too anxious when I tried to pull away for my protection, when I needed to withdraw and get my own space and energy, she kept it going to let me she tried to resume the interaction. This does not allow for healthy attachment. This does not allow to develop the capacity for self regulation, and thus my own core fear and wound of being too much for other people is because I didn't get it when I was little. So as a result, I never learned to regulate my nervous system, and I reach for the only things I know, the things passed down epigenetically from my grandmother, the queen of scarcity, nuts and chocolate, because she wouldn't let herself eat, but her body needed something, and so I'm carrying on the pattern. I buy food that I'm not eating, and it's going rotten, and meanwhile, I'm just eating chocolate, but I'm also healing it, because it's I'm still compulsively buying chocolate bars, but I'm also having cacao. And at least I'm not buying the ones with sugar anymore. Cacao can help heal these wounds, because it has the true nutrition, because it has the true spirituality, because it is a medicine.
But it's a bridge, I gotta learn how to take care of my body better.
I'm really proud of myself today for listening to the medicine and going in with just enough to soften and allowing myself to open and hear what this kid was saying. So I got too much from my mom, so I developed not enough self regulation.
I didn't get the proper achievement. So my pattern of attachment is the vacillation between avoidance and clinging, binging and purging. Too much, not enough. And of course, this is why my tendency whenever I've entered into community, is then to hermit up, to lock myself in a room and try to consume as much information as I can. And I kind of do it at the same time with food, maybe drugs, I don't know, but even this, too, is a pattern that goes back further than my direct ancestors. It goes back to the whole history of the witches, the weirdos, the queers and the weird ones; those who had the knowledge taken from them, those who were burned at the stake and persecuted, all of us, who had to take our traditions underground, who had to hide them behind alchemical symbols in hermetic traditions; this is just the expression of not being able to live these things in the open.
And so we start exploding. They took away our ability to control our bodies and consciousness. They made us lock ourselves up in the house and have the babies, and that's where my rape fantasy came from as a child. Somebody, please save me. I don't want to have the babies. I want to give birth to the things that made me.
this is the legacy of the weirdos and the queer ones who had their knowledge taken from them, who had the stories twisted and rewritten in the history books, but they could never take the word.
it survived in the symbols in the alchemical texts and the hermetic principles. We hid it in plain sight behind the pictures and the spells that only we could decipher. If you don't know, then you don't know. But if you know, then you can break free.
And so this was my tendency as a child, is my tendency now to vacillate between bursting forth into community, going to all the retreats, doing all the healing, and then locking myself up in a room and trying to fill myself with as much information as possible between somebody pay attention to me, someone hang out with me and leave me the fuck alone. Let me just be alone with my books, let me read as much as possible. Let me sign up for every course until it's more than I can handle and I haven't even finished the ones I started, even as I'm signing up for new ones, because there's centuries of not getting the knowledge that I needed stored up. And so when I was a kid and I just wanted to read my books from the library, and mom kept attuning to me, I developed this tendency to need attention, and then withdraw and say, leave me the fuck alone and let me learn.
And then when Callin came along, that was the fucking dynamic, over and over and over, she wanted me to pay attention to her, and my dad said I had to pay attention to her, and I just wanted to read my books. And that's my number one memory is her interrupting me when I was trying to read; dad telling me to play with my sister. Pay attention to my sister. Be present with my sister, when she just wanted to do some dumb shit that I didn't care about because she was five years younger and I wasn't her fucking mother. I was already two people's mother, three people's mother. I was already everybody's mother, and I didn't even know how to do it for myself. I didn't even know how to regulate my own emotions, much less those of everybody else. But dad said it was my responsibility to take care of her, and when I didn’t measure up—he abused me physically, sexually, psychologically, financially.
This is what happened to the whole legacy, the women who were forced to have the babies when they didn't want to, when we were supposed to be priestesses and shamans, when we were supposed to be in training and initiation not having babies. Leave me the alone and let me read my books. Let me leave me the fuck alone and let me learn the text, leave me the fuck alone and let me do the practices, leave me the fuck alone and let me go to the ceremonies and do the healing. It's all part of it.
Of course I feel like I can't get enough of this shit, and I start things before I finish them, because I feel like if I don't take every opportunity as soon as it's in front of me, I'm gonna miss it forever. But as a result, I just start doing a million things, and I don't even fully absorb them. I don't even learn the lessons, because I don't finish what I've started. So the tendency to hermitage isn't necessarily wrong, if I use the time productively, if I actually see something through from the beginning to the finish, but I never seem to do this. And also I don't have to finish everything I start, but this makes me feel very anxious and ungrounded when there's so many threads that feel like they haven't been followed to the end.
So what is the best way to spend my resources over these next few days and weeks as we head into eclipse season? Wanting to absorb the knowledge before the eclipses is not a bad inclination, but I gotta separate that out from where the trauma comes in. One thing I do need to be finishing is this book on ADD, because shit. I mean, that's pretty funny that I would only read about the part of all the symptoms and the craziness and the confusion without getting to the solutions. That's when I shouldn't stop before the ending.
Wow, putting it all together is hard work, and humans need so much because of this second gestation that happens outside the womb, the only animals where this happens, and I'm already feeling this pull and this tension. I really want to volunteer and be part of the communities here, and yet I also really feel like I need to go to the homeland and be in Ireland and Scotland, so how do I balance those things? I guess Scotland's pretty easy to go to. Maybe that's a good thing to do for my birthday. I don't know. I feel like everything has to happen all at once, and I know that's the drama.
So how do I focus on one thing at a time? Be a mama to myself, while also helping everybody else. So what's the thing that I can do to heal myself, to heal the world, to heal the people around me, to be part of the community, to be showing up consistently, but also take that time for learning. As I'm heading into back to school season, with the PhD, with the Eclipse awakening, with this month in Stoke Newington, that does feel like a bit of a Hermetic solution.
How do I best prepare for this? How can I be present to what really needs tending?
Help me stop starting and start finishing, but all along, keep healing.
Prior work referenced:
The Crucifixion or the Resurrection
AI Summary:
Fear of Abundance and Colonialist Legacy
- They describe waking up in a panic on a day of celebration, feeling terror that someone was taking away their abundance. - They reflect on the deeper issue of scarcity and fear of abundance, which they attribute to a colonialist consumer legacy. - They discuss how the fear of abundance is not their story but that of someone else, who always makes celebrations difficult. - They highlight the covert narcissism of codependence, where the person making others wait for their sickness becomes the center of attention.
Impact of Overindulgence on Self-Regulation
- They talk about how overindulgence can lead to a pattern of too much and not enough, affecting self-regulation. - They mention a case where a child receives too much attention, which disrupts their ability to self-regulate and develop healthy attachment. - They explain how their own core fear and wound of being too much for others stem from not getting proper attachment and self-regulation as a child. - They describe their compulsive buying of food and chocolate, which they are trying to heal through better self-care and understanding.
Historical and Epigenetic Patterns of Scarcity
- They connect their patterns of overindulgence and avoidance to their grandmother's legacy of scarcity and binge-purge cycles. - They discuss how their grandmother's inability to eat led to their own compulsive eating habits. - They mention the importance of cacao as a healing tool, providing true nutrition and spirituality. - They reflect on the need to learn better self-care and take care of their body, proud of themselves for listening to their body's needs.
Vacillation Between Community and Solitude
- They describe their tendency to vacillate between bursting into community and hermiting themselves away to consume information. - They connect this pattern to the historical legacy of witches, queers, and weirdos who had their knowledge taken away and had to hide it. - They discuss the legacy of forced motherhood and the desire to give birth to their own knowledge and traditions. - They reflect on the need to balance community involvement with solitary learning and healing.
Balancing Community and Solitude
- They talk about their tendency to start many things but not finish them, leading to anxiety and a feeling of being ungrounded. - They reflect on the need to use their time productively and finish what they start, even if it means not finishing everything. - They discuss the pull of volunteering and being part of communities versus the need to go to their homeland for healing. - They consider how to balance these needs and prepare for the upcoming eclipse season and back-to-school season with their PhD.
Action Items:
Finish reading a book about ADD to learn solutions, not just symptoms. (Assignee: Speaker)
Focus on finishing one thing at a time, prioritizing self-care while still helping others. (Assignee: Speaker)
Prepare for an upcoming "back to school" period with PhD studies and personal learning, while maintaining presence. (Assignee: Speaker)
Mystic artist alcoholic narcissist codependent it's all hermetic
The conversation explores themes of dependency, self-reliance, and the misuse of substances. Speaker 1 discusses the impact of overly protective parents who hinder their children's independence, leading to a reliance on others for needs. The dialogue touches on the symbolic nature of cacao and the dangers of idolizing it, likening it to the idolization of substances in addiction. The speakers equate the mystic artist and the alcoholic to the archetype of Hermes, emphasizing that substances should not be worshipped or blamed for personal actions. The conversation concludes with a challenge to translate these ideas into a play that both entertains and educates the audience about these complex human behaviors and their symbolic representations.
Transcript
https://otter.ai/u/XB1oSuHmV3x_w8DZQ9Ot3055HDg?view=transcript
Action Items
[ ] Develop a play kit or performance that incorporates these archetypes and ideas.
Outline
Independence and Self-Regulation
Speaker 1 discusses the importance of helping each other and being self-reliant, emphasizing that individuals should not rely solely on others to meet their needs.
The conversation highlights the impact of parental influence, noting that parents often want their children to remain dependent for their own emotional needs.
Speaker 1 explains that while parents may say they want their children to have their own lives, they often struggle with the idea of independence.
The discussion touches on the need for individuals to learn self-regulation and how to meet their own needs effectively.
Symbolism and Attachment
Speaker 1 talks about the symbolic nature of cacao and how it should not be idolized or made into an idol.
The conversation addresses the issue of communities becoming cult-like around substances like cacao, where the substance is worshipped rather than used as a tool.
Speaker 1 mentions Hermes as a symbol for the messenger, highlighting that the messenger should not be idolized or blamed for the actions of the receiver.
The discussion connects addiction to the idolization of substances, suggesting that this idolization is a form of attachment and worship.
Mystic Artist and Archetypes
Speaker 1 equates the mystic artist and the alcoholic, suggesting they are part of the same archetype represented by Hermes.
The conversation explores the idea that these archetypes are symbols for the psycho-spiritual journey and the passage of the soul.
Speaker 1 discusses the persecution of those who practice these symbolic and psycho-spiritual practices, noting that they are often blamed for their actions.
The discussion emphasizes the need to separate the symbol from the substance, to avoid worshipping or villainizing the gate (substance) instead of the temple (spiritual journey).
Translating the Concept into a Play
Speaker 1 seeks help in translating the discussed concepts into a play that can entertain and educate the audience.
The conversation focuses on how to make the play relatable and help the audience see themselves in the characters and themes.
Speaker 1 questions what the play wants to convey and how it should play out, seeking guidance on capturing the essence of the discussion.
The discussion aims to create a play that illustrates the bigger picture of self-reliance, self-regulation, and the psycho-spiritual journey.
