Meeting Amanita
I am about to undertake my first proper journey with Amanita muscaria today, after a year of microdosing through my broken pelvis. I meet her with no cacao, no nothing in my system interfering, just me and her; the intimacy I’ve been scared of. Pleasure with a woman—perhaps my greatest fear? We’ll see. I think my greatest fear might be dying alone, or losing my mom, or going crazy, but my stomach is getting sick and churny, so maybe I just nailed it.
Today is 9 Kame, the number of life and nahual of death energy; the day to ask our ancestors for help facing our fears so we know what to have the surgeon of Tijax cut out so that we may be reborn brand new. On Christmas morning, just like the Christ child I always knew I was. But I found that divinity through the forest and the interconnection with the animals, and the trees and plants and birds and I can’t even begin to explain how GOOD it feels to have that connection back again.
I closed the Solstice portal as another one opens for Amanita, I can’t wait to meet her, but I also have a healthy fear. I realized in the woods today that this is sometimes the only way I feel okay, in ceremony or in the forest or usually when I’m drawing something. In another culture I’d be a shaman. Ceremony is my calling.
But how can I make this part of a life supported under capitalism? How can I stop participating in that system, spending money I don’t have on shit I don’t need at the grocery store? Ugh. I got sucked into that black hole again today, as soon as I announced I was going to draw and learn all day. I think I should stop saying things like that. Somehow it makes me less likely to do ti.
So I call upon the Kanti, the Siberian group who engage with Amanita to sing the heroic epic songs of their people. As Ash recommended, I will ask the mushroom to show me through the spirit of the bear and the squirrel and the wren and the robin and the winter ermine how to meet my dreams or visions with courage. How to drop everything like Jung did and just LET GO, face my fears bravely and just LEAP, like I used to with codependency, onl t this time into self-expression, Eros, pleasure; live in Kairos, not Chronos; more Mythos, less Logos.
Let’s go.
—
Ash just slayed me, I’m sobbing at the computer screen, because she just gave me permission, told me I’m not a bad kid. “If we are living in the dream 100% of the time then maybe we aren’t doing our duty as humans in a body—but if you’re a chronic pain experiencer and you have a hard time just wanting to be alive, maybe it’s a good thing to be such a devotee of something like Amanita muscaria.”
i always think i’m bad and wrong and abusing the medicine - but Ama and cacao have made me want to live when I wanted to die - same with psilocybin - WE DO WHAT WE HAVE TO DO IN ORDER TO SURVIVE - AND WE DO IT UNTIL WE DON’T NEED TO ANYMORE - regardless of whether that outlasts the physical body.
*the Nutcracker ALL takes place inside a dream.
Enhance self-esteem! Somatic experience of “I” ness - am I allowed to take up space?
Courage to share what I am meant to share in the world–YES! And it’s ok to receive!
But people w big egos it can get worse!
CAN EMPOWER YOU WITH THE ENTIRE MYCHORHIZZAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THE FOREST - yes this is what I felt this morning! This is inherently ego-checking - bc you are part of an ECOSYSTEM
“You can BE THE MAGICIAN WHO CREATES EMERGENT PROPERTIES BY CALLING IN THE ENTIRE INTELLIGENCE OF THE FOREST”-!!! TRANS EMERGENCE
DUDE! She keeps giving me a break on all my shame feelings and so do the crowd. They are all doing what I’m doing, stacking things on high pain days, ama and psilocybin and LSD and cacao is what I do but I keep feeling like i’m bad and wrong - you DO HAVE A DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE WHEN YOU ARE IN A HIGH PAIN SITUATION - BECAUSE “THE MUSHROOM HAS WORK TO DO” - IN OTHER AREAS
KNOW THY STACK! So i can’t standardize for anyone - it’s about empowering them to build their own.
Lightning strikes of information, this happens, I get the downloads so fast I can’t keep up w it
