The healing is the practice
…and it integrates in layers.
The past two weeks have been massive for healing. I have had one of my biggest breakthroughs since the injury, slow-unfolding over the recent period but always, I suppose, working slowly in the background.
Like that, right now, Spotify shuffle plays an Odeza song I’ve never heard: “This version of you / simply becomes real. You’re right here with this version of you / to see things as they really are.”
That’s how it works. Slowly, almost imperceptively at times, you’re changing, becoming something new.
Some parts of myself that have been exiled for too long are coming home. For real this time. Not just walking up to the door and peering in the window, which I now realize is what they have been doing in the past—but actually coming in, cuddling up with a cozy blanket and a cup of tea. and being gnown, that’s known with a g. Felt. Loved.
I guess this is integration.
It started on Friday, and on Sunday night, I was self-healing in the dreamspace. I lucid dreamed with full awareness and partial control for the first time maybe ever, certainly since childhood, I think I used to know how to do this and forgot. In the dream I was healing with my parts, playing with them and acting in their plays, helping them perform them on the stage and taking their direction.
They needed that so badly.
It was a large cross-section of my unseen/unheard children, the ones who just needed attention, and once I had truly given it them, as Jess would say, in the astral, that was all they needed; I woke up urgently and was called to my mat and cacao cup after writing everything I could recall down in my journal, like a good Jungian—I remember my Robert Johnson—and wow. Just wow. The adult parts they were attached to all came home. I thanked the kids and their adult counterparts, the medicines and the guides, the whole universe and astral team, everyone for playing their parts and keeping us safe, and just like that…. they integrated. I don’t even know if I can explain it. They just… drifted in, and were a part of me again. It was the part from Austin that was trying to come out during the MDMA journeys, the one who kept secrets and crashed down to Earth when the journey ended and nothing was resolved, the suicidal battered housewife; the kid who used to hobble themselves to get attention, who stayed on crutches too long because they thought it got them sympathy and one day realized everyone was making fun of them; the teenage me who drank to remember; the one who wanted to be an artist and poly but chose Stephen for security; the parts that tried to come out when the conscious mind shut down.
They came home. It was so beautiful I might cry again.
And now I feel like I’m getting sick and might have to go to bed at 7pm again. It’s okay. It was worth it. It also gave me clarity on my path, so strong I just knew it, like when I knew I had to go to California and didn’t know why, but followed the feeling. I recorded it so that I could look back on that moment and know how sure I was.
We may not always listen, but we always know, and can trust that. After a lifetime of not trusting my own intuition, I can’t describe how incredible that is.
The Current Practice
The practice is revealing itself in its forking paths. The current iteration could become a formal research study, one that would easily pass muster with ethics:
Music: Make or pick your playlist with songs that will trigger the issue you want to work on.
Cacao: To open the heart to the parts of self, others, and the Universe. For the full effect, occasional high doses should be worked up to (40-100g, which is still safe; diarrhea is the biggest safety risk for those without heart conditions).
Amanita muscaria: To heal, mitigate, and protect from the pain; for courage; to break you open gently. So far my only experience has been with a microdose tincture, 1-10 or so drops but usually 1-3; I will report back on the utility and frequency of higher-dose experiences once I have undergone them.
(Both Amanita and cacao in the same experience should be engaged with regularly, but also approached separately at given times.)
Astrological/archetypal foundation: Maya calendar energy of the day and personal cross/relationship interaction; Western astrology; depth psychology; dream work.
Divination: Tarot or oracle deck with contextual interpretation (Jodorowsky’s Tarot book, Kim Krans’ Archetypes deck, Jung and Oracle/Tarot cards, animal cards and Indigenous framework, etc
Self-healing modality: IFS or CI to walk the parts of self through the process safely while maintaining self-energy
Journaling: Some form of automatic creative capturing—a handwritten journal feels important to do sometimes, but only if it works for the person. It could include voice memos, videos, drawing, painting, dancing, music, performance, or any form of somatic art. As long as it can be done automatically, as undirected by the thinking mind as possible.
My offering to the community, which I feel I want to include in the research but maybe I only talk about from a distance, would also involve psychedelic work, helping queer and Trans people especially but anyone with religious or other trauma, heal and reconcile with their identities through titration: “mini-dose” experiences more frequently within a larger framework that resembles this one and includes a framework like kundalini or kung fu and working 1:1 with a practitioner (which could eventually include me).
There was a ceremony I wanted to host in California and was building with some colleagues before I broke my pelvis, which I felt at the time I wasn’t qualified to offer yet, and wasn’t. I had to be initiated first. Now I feel there is something to this and that perhaps I should create this as an offering or interweave it into the practice: a ceremony where you marry yourself, sealed with a cup of cacao. And the phrase that had dropped in on Friday—carry myself, carry ourselves, carry each other—which had felt like it was missing something now became complete.
Marry myself, carry ourselves, carry each other.
Jodorowsky n me / the personal is universal
Since my dark night of the soul a few days ago, I was directed by Kit to the traditional Tarot deck, paired with the book xe suggested I order from the shop on Broadway Market, “The Way of the Tarot: The Spiritual Guide in the Cards.” Yesterday it helped inspire one of the most profound processes I’ve ever had with my parts of self, and I was so proud at how I walked myself through it. The integration is still unfolding, but it was a before-and-after moment, which involved going to the Tower Hamlets Cemetary Park to speak with Kit and my dead uncle.
Today, the reading I did for myself is taking me from the personal through the universal, as the visions for the queer/trans ecstatic dance and urban ecofarm and live/art/work space are also beginning to take form. But it’s also confirmation that part of the process/practice I’m evolving has to be this calculation of one’s own energy with the energy that is present - of the day in the Maya calendar - of the planets in Western astrology - of the corresponding archetypes - of the Wheel of the Year in Celtic paganism. This sounds like a lot but it isn’t, they’re all different filters and I am envisioning a wheel or 3D model or chart or app or something where you can quickly plug some dates in and align all of them. It’s the kind of thing Mark Elmy is into and I am thinking this may be a project for when I go to Guatemala.
Which may be happening next year, along with participation in DMTx… because I think some part of me won’t fully be healed from the Marc/divorce/codependency experience until I go fully into that space from a safe 3D container. And I really trust Daniel and his crew.
So I drew from the deck this morning after wondering why, on 3 I’x, the day that in the Maya calendar is all about going inward, all I was doing was reaching out to my networks and planning collaborations, listening to This Jungian Life and checking notifications, and I got the intuitive nudge to calculate my relationship energy with 3 I’x, and combined with 13 Kan it makes 3 Kawok: the inner birthing process. And I laughed and cried, because I had seen myself going into a shame spiral when I thought I was “doing 3 I’x wrong,” and realized that this in itself was a metaphor for the trauma healing process: We create stories of shame when we get the context wrong. Understanding the broader narrative and how our personal energy interacts with the environment and conditions that are present helps us see what really happened. Then we can tell the story the way it really goes and understand each other and ourselves.
And a song started coming in that interwove with a Hollow Bone Show riff: carry myself, carry ourselves, carry each other.
Walk each other home.
So Kit nudged me to draw cards for the current cycle after this realization, and I got:
Past: 4 of Wands / Future: 5 of Pentacles / Present: Queen of Swords in reverse
The interpretation was so clearly Hermetic, as within/so without, that I kept laughing out loud. Page 389, on Fours and the 4 of Wands (the 4 is also my Enneagram number, I just realized… the artistic navel-gazer and romantic), it’s all about the androgyne and the quest, the wandering queer bard who is charging forth into new territory but bringing the old ways with them. I mean, come on, it’s like I made it up… but I guess that’s the point, we are the creator of our destiny, right?
The Hollow Bone Show, 3 Ix Iteration / LISTEN
The conversation delves into the loss of traditional cultural frameworks and rituals in the Anglosphere, emphasizing the disconnect from nature and the body. It explores the concept of gaslighting, where individuals are trained to ignore their bodily signals, often due to intergenerational trauma. The discussion highlights the intergenerational transmission of trauma and the need for transformation through new spells or rituals. Personal anecdotes illustrate the struggle with identity and the suppression of true selves. The conversation concludes with a call to remember and reconnect with ancestral knowledge, emphasizing the importance of community, reciprocity, and self-discovery.
Carry myself, carry ourselves, carry each other / LISTEN
The conversation explores the psychological and emotional impact of unmet needs and the coping mechanisms people develop, such as people-pleasing or substance abuse. It highlights the "too much, not enough" syndrome, where individuals either internalize or externalize their shame, leading to either self-sacrifice or aggression. The discussion emphasizes the importance of community and mutual support, advocating for safe spaces like the queer trans dance co-op to foster acceptance and nourishment. It also touches on the historical context of food as resistance and the cultural disconnect from body signals, urging a return to mindful eating and self-care.
Transcript:
When you go to show them something you made, instead of being celebrated like a kid should be, you get a blank face. In some ways, that's the worst kind of thing. In some ways, that's worse than getting berated. It's being erased, and it creates the not enough kid complex, or then for the rest of your life, trying really hard to be nice or trying to get attention in ways that don't serve you or anybody else, people pleasing, sacrificing your needs to try to get yourself seen, erasing everything. Then there are the kids who get told that they're bad and wrong and stupid, and they push their shame out on everyone else. They get violent, they get aggressive.
They become the psychopaths, while the other ones turn it inward, too much, not enough kids always needing more of something. What's a too much? Not enough kid to do when the only ones who understand your experience are too traumatized from living it to walk with you through it, to talk to you about it, when the ones and the only ones who will understand and the only ones who could really hold you in that pain are too torn Apart from having gone through it to carry you. We have to be there for each other, carry ourselves, carry each other. Help ourselves get through. We have to be there for each other. Carry yourself, carry yourself, carry yourselves. Carry each other. Carry us through. Walk us through. Give us, give us that which we are seeking. More of, always, too much, not enough of something. Carry ourselves. Carry each other. Carry carry myself. Carry ourselves, carry each other, carry myself, carry myself down to the sea. Carry ourselves down to the sea. Go alone together into the boat between what's a too much, not enough kid to do when the only people who will understand your experience are so traumatized from living it that they can't walk with you through it. Where do you go? What do you do? Who do you turn to? You have to carry yourself through. Carry myself. Carry ourselves, carry each other. Down to the sea and drink it up. It's good for you. When I quit drinking the time, all the times I was trying not to drink, the most vulnerable parts of my whole experience were Friday happy hour. If I could make it through that, then I would make it through the weekend. So I think the dance needs to be on Fridays, and it needs to be in a space where we can be open from five to receive all those people who are just trying to survive, we turn to more and more substances because we don't feel our self worth within, because it never seems to be enough to fill our cup, to fill our vessel, to fill our prenda. And so we make ourselves an offering to anyone who will pay attention to us.
And so we make ourselves an offering to those who don't deserve us, and so we make ourselves an offering. Take advantage of us. We turn ourselves over over and over. Over and over, we give ourselves away.
Anyone else show us the time of day to those who don't deserve us. And Steven said, Jeff took something that didn't belong to Him and broke it. He was referring to us, but that kind of makes me his property. I'm my own being, but he did take something that didn't belong to him, my dignity, but I'm the one who gave it to him, dressed myself up on a plate and presented it to him like a turkey on Thanksgiving, we sacrifice ourselves because we don't think it's worth living.
We sacrifice ourselves because we don't think Life's worth living from this place we grew up in. I broke my sacrum, my sacrum, and now I'm burning it, because I've become so desensitized that my spine still doesn't have the right sensation. Maybe I shouldn't say right. It takes a lot more. It takes a lot more for us to feel it. So we keep going past the point when we should and so we keep going even when it hurts us. And so we keep going even when our bodies say stop. And so we keep going even when we feel a no, because we learned that it's a yes, because we learned that's what a yes feels like.
We have to rewire. We have to go deeper. Carry myself, carry ourselves, carry each other. Be our own in our father and mother, the ones we never known, carry myself, carry ourselves, carry each other. All this not enoughness has to be worth something.
All this worthlessness is worth something if we can turn it into inspiration, if we can turn it into holding so it is my mission to create the queer trans dance in our Co Op, live work farming space, because we need a place where we can be seen, because we need a place where we can bring our offering to each other. Because we need a place where there will always be someone who eventually shows up to listen, because we need a place where we are always welcome. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between being hungry, between actually being hungry and hungering for something else.
When your body doesn't get enough love, it gets confused and about what it's really full of. When someone's giving you too much or not enough of something, you're always trying to fill yourself up, and it can be hard to tell the difference between what when. It can be hard to tell the difference between when you really need something and when you're just trying to make up for a lifetime of lacking or getting too much of the wrong kind of attention, you got to retrain your nervous system and not pay attention to. But give the gift of presence to yourself and everyone else. Carry each other, carry myself,
carry each other down to the sea and drink it up. Wash ourselves clean of all the stories and shaming heaped upon us from the culture and our families, carrying myself, carry ourselves, carry each other, down to the dance, down to the farm, down at the sea, down to the place where we can be who we really were born to be. And this is why food education can be such a valuable tool and a portal to awakening, because we all need nourishing. It's one of the most basic ways we get our needs met, and yet none of us learned how to do it properly. In the Anglosphere, in Europe, we need a little help. We need a little holding, because the culture of consumption relies on disconnecting you from your body's signals relies on you putting things in when you don't need them, and depriving yourselves of other things when you do. I was thinking that I'm a typical American because I really like peanut butter. But peanuts aren't American. They're from Africa. The only reason we even know what a peanut was to begin with is because George Washington Carver's ancestors were brought against their will to a land they were never meant to be in.
And they wanted to keep their legacy alive, and they needed to remember who they were and who they'd been. So they smuggled seeds across the ocean in their hair and their body cavities, and they brought their plants with them. Our companion species are kindred spirits that we all used to remember how to commune with and they planted them in the new soil. And it was an act of quiet resistance. The plants are allies since the dawn of existence, sprouting up to support them as everything else that they knew was stripped away, taken from them as they were murdered and raped and assaulted, the plants kept growing out in the garden, and they could take them into their bodies, and remember, This is how food is a form of resistance.
Henry Kissinger said, control the population by controlling the food system. He was right, and that's what humans have been doing since the dawn of civilization. Take the Cretans every time the island got invaded, it would start with cutting up with burning the crops, burning their fields, so that people got resilient. They got crafty, and they started preserving, pickling, fermenting, canning drying. That's why the national dish of the island is dried bread reconstituted with olive oil and tomatoes and lemon juice, because they got so used to being invaded that they just kept their stockpiles piled high so they could keep themselves satiated every time they had to start Over and over and over again.
Ireland, my poor homeland, we're not that good at being resilient. Well, maybe we are, but we didn't learn the proper preservation. We didn't. We perished in the potato famine because we were so reliant on one staple.
We didn't have enough to get us through the winter, so we were extra vulnerable. So we turned to drink. We turned to those empty calories. We. Yeah, the Irish love their baked goods and the whiskey because we all need to fill ourselves with something. That doesn't mean the people are to be shamed or the substances are to be blamed. It's the system that created the conditions where they got too much or not enough of something, and they felt it was their fault, so they turned it inward, and it becomes shame that most toxic of emotions creeps into the core of your bones and tells you that it's not even worth being alive anymore.
My whole life, I've felt myself torn in two different directions, the part that desperately needs to be seen by everyone and the part that wants to disappear completely. Binging and purging, not just with food, but people, relationships, identities, activities and I’m always pushing past when I know I should be finished, or not even beginning in the first place, always keeping in the very back of my mind the ultimate exit stage right.
But now I've done enough work, and I've gotten enough distance, and I've seen enough of the parts of me that need witnessing, that I know I'd never do that again. I didn't know. I'd never really tried to do that again, that even when the cycles come back around and around, that even when I do another revolution around the same pattern, I at least now have a solution, and I have a tool, and I can be the observer and I can step back from it. So I want to be there for others too, and show them what I've learned, to try to get on top of it, because we really all just need witnessing. Someone to tell us that it really happened, you're not crazy, someone to hold us while we cry. Someone to say, It's okay to be alive. Someone to say, you deserve to be alive. Someone to say, I need you to be alive. Carry myself, carry ourselves, carry each other, build the place where we can be together, so we can go alone together into the great unknown. Over and over.
I say I like self reflection, but the ego is really resistant to this turn inward. All I've done all morning is push it out. I mean, that is part of it. And it is sad season. Mercury's retrograding. And I think Mercury is in Sagittarius now. And, yeah, part of it is sharing the message, and part of it is getting these things out that are part of the practice and part of what I'm building. So it's all needed, but I just get to feel today there is an invitation to go inward, and all I want to do is go out. Too much, not enough kids wanting to be seen, because it's a reaction to shame. How can I work with this and sit with the parts that need seeing and give them validation that's self generating without trying to push it out onto everyone else or cover it up with something?
The above came through on Friday. I then ran hard for the entire weekend: volunteering for two dances, one of which ended with a crew member knocking over a giant speaker and almost crushing the crowd but instead crushing his toe. A crew member with whom I recently partnered on building a network of ecstatic dance (ED) Djs and facilitators and who was going to help me set up a birthday ED that could also be a preview/test run for the queer/trans dance I am starting, which will be part of praxis work and the thesis itself. I had gotten the energetic nudge that maybe this was the kid whose birthday party nobody was ever able to attend just wanting attention, and that maybe I shouldn’t be relying on Bill for my party or getting him involved with the Q/T dance.
I’m not saying I somehow made the shelving fall on him with my mind. I’m just saying, we 13 Kan have to be careful about what we’re putting out there.
And I’m not saying this relationship is causal either, but after I spent Saturday in a trans masc drag workshop and festival, the AI is identifying me as Riordan and male.
Clarity about the path
Riordan Regan discussed his PhD on self-healing and creative expression, involving the use of ayahuasca, cacao, and Amanita muscaria. He plans to pause his program for six months, traveling to Guatemala, Mexico, and Colorado for training and certification in compassionate inquiry and psychedelic facilitation. This journey aims to deepen his ritual grounding and build a foundation for his methodology. Regan also intends to establish a cacao collective and explore artist residencies, emphasizing the importance of connecting with the drag community and maintaining ties in the UK. He seeks support and accountability for his ambitious plans.
Action Items
Pause current program and travel to Guatemala to work with calendar teacher and cacao people.
Meet with teacher in Arizona to connect with Amanita mushrooms.
Attend DMT-X training and psychedelic facilitator training in Colorado.
Obtain compassionate inquiry certification.
Renew passport while in the US.
Connect with people in the UK regarding Amanita mushrooms.
Bring Anthi in to work on the drawing side of things.
Continue building dance and performance work in London.
Explore potential artist residencies by connecting with the host of the grant writing workshop.
Outline
Self-Healing Methodology and PhD Focus
Riordan Regan explains the focus of his PhD, which involves devising a self-healing methodology that includes working with ayahuasca, cacao, and Amanita muscaria.
He mentions the legal gray area of these substances but believes they could gain ethical approval.
The methodology includes self-inquiry techniques like compassionate inquiry or IFS, and creative expressions like writing, drawing, dancing, and playing music.
The methodology is aimed at queer and trans people, but it could benefit anyone with trauma.
Travel Plans and Program Pause
Riordan Regan discusses his plan to pause his program for a few months in late winter or early spring to travel to Guatemala, work with a calendar teacher, and engage with cacao.
He hopes to meet another teacher in Mexico and then attend a DMTx program and psychedelic facilitator training in Colorado. This training would help him obtain the certification needed for compassionate inquiry, which he has wanted for two years.
He feels this is a clear path, similar to his intuition about moving to California.
Grounding and Ritual Work
Riordan Regan mentions that his wrist started hurting, which he interprets as a sign that he needs stronger ritual grounding before creating his methodology.
He plans to work with Amanita and cacao to deepen his grounding.
He needs to meet with a teacher in Arizona and connect with people in the UK via Amanita.
He also plans to work with others on artistic projects and bring Anthi in for drawing.
Building Community and Future Plans
Riordan Regan expresses a desire to build a cacao collective in the UK and possibly work with the host of his ecstatic dance for sponsorship.
He acknowledges the need to leave the UK for a bit due to visa issues but sees an opportunity to connect with the drag community and build dance in London.
He feels committed to the program and believes he needs foundational training before starting his work.
He plans to be back in the Americas for about two months next year.
Intuitive Hits and Connections
Riordan Regan shares an intuitive hit to connect with someone from a grant writing workshop about potential artist residencies.
He notes that all the cacao people in his life are Turkish, and he recently got his hair cut at a Turkish barber, which felt significant.
He feels rejuvenated and committed to the program, despite the challenges.
He appreciates the support and accountability from others in his journey.
Listen / Transcript:
Okay, so big stuff coming through today. Major Major stuff, major major stuff kit has been participating. Other ancestors have been participating. I just got, like, total clarity on what my whole PhD thing is, and I don't know if I should add this to the document that I sent to everyone. Still, nobody's looked at it, but I can just tell it to you. I mean, so it's I'm creating a self I'm devising a self healing methodology. I'm devising a methodology for self healing and creative expression that involves working with pydos cacao, emanate to muscaria. Both of these things are technically legal because mate is unregulated. It's kind of a gray area, but it could be something that I think could get ethical approval. But anyways, it doesn't matter. Those are the medicines, and that has to be part of it. So whatever that means, whether I have to go to another country or whatever, and so it involves working with those medicines and self inquiry. So for me, that would be compassionate inquiry or ifs and then automatic creative expression, so writing, drawing, dancing or playing music aimed at queer and trans people more specifically, but could be for also people with religious trauma. I mean, I think anyone with drama could benefit from it, but so that's what it is. It's both self healing and like an artistic devising approach. It is going to be part of the way I support myself materially in the world. I do need to pause my program, but I think early next year, I think this is going to happen. I'm just like, I got a huge download, and like everyone in the astral was like, yes, yes. So I think I'm supposed to pause the program for just a few months in like late, late winter, early spring, and go to Guatemala. Work with my calendar teacher there, work with cacao people there. Maybe be there for a month or two. I'm meeting up with another teacher as well. I think, I hope, I might end up in Mexico and then going to Colorado to do okay, this might be more like a six month pause. I don't know. We'll see going to Colorado to be part of this dmtx training that's really fucking wild. I'll send you an article I wrote about them, and also doing their psychedelic facilitator training while I'm there. And then that would give me the certification I need to get this compassionate inquiry certification that I've wanted to get for like two years, but you need, like, a prerequisite. So then that would give me the foundation that I could start offering sessions to people. I would then have some, I don't know, way of making a living that supports me. I feel like then and and I would so I'd have the foundation also for the program. Like I don't feel like I have the foundation for my methodology for the PhD yet. So, and this just is feeling super clear. This feels like California when I knew I was supposed to go there. I think this is the way it's supposed to happen. And I'm recording this message to you to hold me accountable, because I tend to second guess this stuff, and in this moment, I'm feeling like this is what needs to happen, and I don't want to, because I don't want to go back to America, but I'm not going to stay. I'm just going to visit. Might not even go to Seattle. We'll see. I do need to renew my passport, so maybe I'll do that while I'm there. Anyways, yeah, so, and then I'm supposed to meet with my teacher in Arizona while I'm over there as well. So this will give me, and this is what, kit shared. Oh, my wrist just started hurting. That's interesting. Kit shared, or I feel like kit is not sharing. They're now clarifying. Sorry, kit is supporting my intuition that I need a stronger ritual grounding before I'm ready to create a methodology and start offering something so you know. Z had palo, Lukumi. I've got a lot of different stuff, but I need to ground deeper into something. And so that is going to be this Amanita work and the cacao work. So I need to go to Guatemala to do that. I need to meet with ash in Arizona to connect with Amanita. I have people here in Europe, in the UK, that I need to connect on via Amanita, and then I feel like I'm supposed to work with you more on artistic stuff, and I'm supposed to work with I'm supposed to bring Anthi in after all that, to get into the drawing side of things more. But I'm really and throughout all of it theater, and I made a bunch. So I spent the weekend connecting with people in the drag community. I went to a drag king festival. So I'm also supposed to keep building dance and stuff here in London, and so I don't want to be gone too long from the UK. But while I don't have my visa, I need to leave for a little bit anyways, and so I'm seeing that as an opportunity and an invitation, because I don't think I would go and do this stuff if I had just gotten the visa. So, um, but I do feel like it's gonna happen. And I think, yeah, I also got a download about maybe I'm supposed to build a cacao collective over here. I also might be able to work with the guy who hosts my ecstatic dance on maybe them sponsoring me for work. So that's a lot of information, I realize, but your add, I think you'll be able to track my scattered brain. Yeah. So I don't know, I'm happy to hop on another call with you, maybe, if it's helpful to talk through things, otherwise we can just exchange messages. So I don't think I don't want to be gone from the UK for too long, because building stuff here is really important to you, but I think I would be maybe back in the Americas for like two months next year. Oh, I hate that. I hate that so much that it must be true. You know what? I mean? Yeah, maybe it'd be helpful to have a call, though, so there's no urgency, but yeah, and thank you for your support and holding, because it's definitely all been part of it, and I'm absolutely supposed to be part of trans art. Also the person who hosted the grant writing workshop yesterday, I felt a really strong, intuitive hit to connect with them about potential artist residencies. I don't know how to pronounce their name. They're Turkish, which is interesting, because all the cacao people in my life are Turkish as well. And I just got my hair cut at a Turkish barber the other day, and that felt important for some reason. I'm really excited and I'm really rejuvenated, and I'm actually feeling even more committed to the program. I just know that I'm not able to really begin my work until I do this foundational training, and that feels super clear.
