Thinky stuff + feely stuff / 12 B’atz + Trecena of the Divine Dead Transition

Jun 27

the day of expressing your creativity through your life story - or using your life story to express your creativity - however you wanna spin it

#livingthe calendar - the trecena of divinity, Ajpu, is winding to a close, but nothing ever ends, it’s approaching its transition into the portal of Aj, as we tell our life story creatively on 12 B’atz and move into the day of the ancestors divining our divine path, 13 E’, to begin the new trecena on Sunday, 1 Aj.

Do I tell Josh about the gaslighting experience of him seeing me mid-channel and calling me disordered—then me thinking I was in love with him—literally embodying, re-enacting, the story of capitalism? Should we teach a workshop together—his male feely-connection and my trans-femme-transcended thinky bits?

Now the Portals Podcast may finally come to fruition, but it may be called something different, the other Bill, the one still in a body, is coming through with the assist, wanting to help support all these ideas I had and never saw through, projects I started and never finished, FINALLY—I get some cosmic embodied assistance, between Bill and Geraleh and Stefanie, fucking, it’s about time, I got me a fucking WITNESS, not just one, but the divine three, to replace my disembodied dearly departed #deadmentors, thank you UNIVERSE!

Reckoning of the Great Remembering + Meta-Witnessing

Overview

The conversation delves into the struggle of creativity under capitalism and colonialism, emphasizing the patriarchal suppression of female creativity. Speaker 1 discusses the desire for validation from parents and the need to prove the existence of other realms. The discussion touches on the importance of plant communion, the role of ancestors, and the need for new languages and cosmologies to convey spiritual experiences. The speaker reflects on the duality of material and spiritual existence, the importance of training the mind, and the quest for a deeper connection with the universe, ultimately seeking to validate and share these experiences with others.

Action Items

Pursue an apprenticeship or mentorship in a spiritual/shamanic lineage.
Explore ways to creatively express and share these experiences with others.
Consciously engage in the "disappearing completely" process through spiritual practices.
Organize a workshop or collaborative project to address the themes of validation and bridging the material/non-material realms. (maybe with Josh…)

Outline

Patriarchy and Creativity

Speaker 1 discusses the patriarchal voice that tells them their story is not important, highlighting the struggle with creativity under capitalism and colonialism.
Unknown Speaker elaborates on the patriarchal system's exploitation of female creativity, turning it into products for capitalization.
Speaker 1 emphasizes the lack of agency over their own creations in a system that values empty spaces over occupied ones.
The conversation touches on the desire for boundless affirmation and the conditioning to seek validation from parents and society.

Seeking Validation and Moving Forward

Speaker 1 reflects on the desire for validation from their parents and the struggle to move beyond their past.
The discussion shifts to the importance of making their story helpful for others rather than focusing on their own narrative.
Unknown Speaker introduces the concept of channeling voice memos and cacao, emphasizing the realness of experiences and the validation of existence.
Speaker 1 talks about proving their existence and the larger intelligence network, questioning the materialism of consumer culture.

Empty Spaces and Existential Questions

Speaker 1 explores the concept of empty spaces being more valuable without people, linking it to metaphysical and existential questions.
The conversation delves into the struggle to prove the reality of other worlds and the influence of Christian programming on trusting senses and experiences.
Speaker 1 discusses the need for containers to hold collective experiences and the importance of mentorship and apprenticeship.
The idea of consciousness being relational and the need for communion with other life forms and intelligences is emphasized.

Paleolithic Metaphysics and Consciousness

Speaker 1 delves into Paleolithic metaphysics, where even stones have consciousness, and the importance of caves as invitations to higher consciousness.
The discussion touches on the need for new languages and cosmologies to convey experiences beyond written language.
Speaker 1 reflects on the importance of plant communion and the role of cacao in their spiritual journey.
The conversation highlights the need to re-enchant and re-ensoul the world, emphasizing the importance of relationships with plants and ancestors.
Creative Expression and Validation
Speaker 1 discusses the struggle to make creative expression feel fun again and the desire to help others through their work.
The conversation explores the concept of autotheory and the PhD process as a way to channel personal experiences and research.
Speaker 1 reflects on the importance of validating experiences and the role of mentors and apprenticeships in their journey.
The discussion touches on the need to transcend the body and mind to fully appreciate the human experience.

Spiritual Journey and Transcendence

Speaker 1 talks about the spiritual journey as a form of suicidality, where one seeks to disappear completely in devotion.
The conversation explores the concept of the divine union and the importance of communion with plants and ancestors.
Speaker 1 reflects on the need to train the mind to use it as a tool and the importance of plant communion in Buddhism.
The discussion highlights the importance of collapsing boundaries between different dimensions and experiences.

Reconnecting with Ancestors and Lineages

Speaker 1 discusses the importance of reconnecting with ancestors and lineages, emphasizing the need for validation and mentorship.
The conversation touches on the role of human intermediaries in plant communion and the importance of apprenticeships.
Speaker 1 reflects on the need to help others develop relationships with non-human entities and the importance of divine quests.
The discussion highlights the importance of transcending and including experiences in the quest to disappear completely.

The Role of Creativity and Validation

Speaker 1 discusses the importance of creativity in validating experiences and the need to make it fun again.
The conversation explores the role of creative expression in healing and the importance of making things for others.
Speaker 1 reflects on the need to balance creativity with the larger collective and the importance of training the mind.
The discussion touches on the importance of validating experiences and the role of mentors and apprenticeships in the journey.

The Importance of Relationships and Communion

Speaker 1 emphasizes the importance of relationships and communion with plants and ancestors in their spiritual journey.
The conversation explores the need to re-enchant and re-ensoul the world and the importance of plant communion.
Speaker 1 reflects on the role of human intermediaries in plant communion and the importance of apprenticeships.
The discussion highlights the importance of transcending and including experiences in the quest to disappear completely.

The Role of the Mind and the Body

Speaker 1 discusses the importance of training the mind and dissolving both the body and the mind in the spiritual journey - as Ralph taught.
The conversation explores the role of plant communion in the journey and the importance of direct experience.

TRANSCRIPT/LISTEN:

Speaker 1 00:01

Oh, there's a reason why the number one dad voice that sticks with me is the one that says over and over in my head, nobody wants to hear your story. Holly, the

Unknown Speaker 00:22

patriarchy that's kind of the whole thing, isn't it? The struggle with him, the struggle with my creativity. It's kind of the whole feminine, generative thing. We only want your creativity, your creation, your gestation, if we can make a thing out of it, if we can capitalize on it, if we can turn it

Unknown Speaker 00:47

into a product that we can market, then we want it, but then we keep it for ourselves. You don't own it.

Speaker 1 01:02

That's cute. You'd think you'd retain some kind of agency over the thing you made, not in this system, not under capitalism, not under colonialism. Your body, your vessel, your altar, your Panda, your creation, your womb, as our property, but we won't get you any property to occupy. We won't give you any physical space from which to make your creation, because the room is worth more without you in it, we are building a monument to money, a shrine to ourselves. These spaces are more, quote, unquote, valuable when they're empty. You luminous, kind of just like my dad, really. If you think about it, you can't share one goddamn thing without robot, without it, instantly trying to monetize it, turn it into a product. I a thing. We can mark it a fucking widget, but I'm trying to make it my mom. I just want it to be proud of me. I want it to project back the kind of enthusiasm that's unrealistic, that's God like in its

Unknown Speaker 03:03

excess,

Speaker 1 03:06

in its oceanic boundlessness, I want someone to be so proud of me, it's inappropriate, and that's really gross to admit that that's how she programmed me in a robot programmed by bros ever not get you to try to make stuff I don't know. I mean, I guess the experiment is my consciousness. I want boundless affirmation to the point where it's embarrassing and I guess I'm conditioned to want to make something that I can sell, so I suppose I'm just like women after all, or at least I'm seeking from them, the same thing I got from my parents. And that's not surprising. We all go through our lives seeking validation in the ways we did and didn't get it as children. But I don't want to be I mean, in some ways, I want to be a child again, but for God's sake, I don't want to actually crawl back into the womb. I don't want to actually reverse of all. I want to move forward. I want to go beyond where I've been before, not for me, for all of us. I want to bring things back for the village now that are outside my little, tiny, stupid consciousness. I don't even want to hear my story anymore, but I have to find a way to make it helpful for the others i.

Unknown Speaker 05:00

Otherwise. Why did I even live it? This is it. This is it. This is it. Old school, channeling voice memos and cacao no AI analysis, yet just me in the darkness the candle and the ancestors and spirits, the channels open the other dimension. It's about what's real and what isn't we're all just trying to validate our existence. What you mean? Means prove it.

Speaker 1 05:43

Prove that we exist, prove that we're not just a brain and a jaw, prove that we're not the only thing out there, prove that there is a larger intelligence network, group, connection ecosystem that we can plug into to prove that we are just one thread in a much larger fabric

Unknown Speaker 06:18

that we are weaving as we're being woven that we can never be separate. We just want to know we're not alone, or maybe some of us with a lot of trauma do want to prove that, because there are plenty of scientists who want to prove that consciousness

Speaker 1 06:48

is all completely subjective, constrained To the mind, reductive, that there's no mystical component, part of any larger story,

Unknown Speaker 07:06

but it's just

Speaker 1 07:10

our brain is the only thing that we can prove excess our consumer culture says something's not real, unless you can make it material, unless you can see it, touch it, taste it, talk to it, but most importantly, sell it, Unless it's a product, unless it's a widget or ironically, A space without you in it, an empty room. I This is why so much broke open during the pandemic. I was haunted by the empty space. I was haunted by myself at this moment in the future putting it all together. I Yeah, that's something too the concept of the empty space worth more without you in it was foundational. It's much bigger than a restaurant going out of business or a shack not having a space to express. It was metaphysical. It was existential. Are you worth more than an empty room? Are you more than an empty room?

Unknown Speaker 09:01

It's the rimandie, the

Speaker 1 09:23

I'm still trying to prove to my mom that this other world I'm contacting is real, that I'm actually talking to dead people, that there actually are ancestors guiding the journey. I'm trying to prove it to myself as much as I'm trying to prove it to her, I've got the same Christian programming, the same capital story. It says I can't trust my senses. It says I can't trust my gut feeling. It says I can't trust my experience. And they took my language and they took i. Our systems, and they took our apprenticeships and mentorships, and they took us from our village and replaced the village with empty spaces when we need containers for holding I we need to fill them with each other, with our experience, with our creative genius. We're all just that kid, that version of me, that I saw in such stark contrastedness that it broke my heart, the one holding out what they made to the parent, the parent just looking the other way. We all need to show each other these things. We need to be seen and we also need our experience reflected in others to know that we exist at all. Consciousness is relational. There is no experience without the other life forms, intelligences, entities. And so, of course, the interview of Andrew Gallimore popped on when the song ended on Patreon and started playing the next thing in my queue, and they're talking about whether or not anything exists, but you this is sort of what we've been trying To figure out since the very beginning, since the Paleolithic, since we went into empty spaces and put our mark on them, our creative expression has always been to try to convey the other dimension, to try to convey these experiences that go beyond written for Written verbal language in ways that others can understand you. In Paleolithic metaphysics, even stones have consciousness. The cave is the invitation, the womb, the tomb, the empty room is the opening to everything, to your own consciousness that is collective, that only really exists in relation. But the relations are much broader than we conceive of. They're all around you all the time. You can never be separate, not even in an empty space, alone in the darkness that, in fact, is where the most opens up. The other realms are always here. The others are always with us. The dead are always listening. They're right next to you right now. You just can't perceive them with these senses until you learn to attune them, and that's why we have people selling these courses that feel cheesy online for 11 payments of a $111.11 you can learn to tap into your own intuitive consciousness. We used to just know this. We used to just do this, but our culture seeks to decondition us and unlearn us from the very beginning. So now we have to invest in these ways of remembering you. And I'm still just trying to be validated by my parents. So I'm still trying to make a thing that I could show my dad and get him to hold my gaze. And I'm still trying to break away from my mom and. Figure out who I am on my own and find the others. And yet I still want her to validate that it exists. And yet I still want to prove to her that my cosmology is real, that I always knew that I was fucking right, that that doctrine I was fed was poisoned, that we were both brainwashed, programmed by the bros. I want to show her I was right. I want to show them both that I was right and they were wrong. Oedipal impulse, I guess I don't know. I These Guardians of the Bucha into his people's journey, the sacred emissaries. There's a reason they called to me in Greece from the wineries before I rediscovered the esoteric ways

Unknown Speaker 16:33

the bees were already Speaking. I

Speaker 1 17:58

One impulse. I really don't like that. I really am being faced with right now, because diet has already started. I

Unknown Speaker 18:22

is this reaction I sometimes have to other people. Of you don't seem appropriately excited. I

Unknown Speaker 18:44

I want people to think I'm a creative genius. I want people to validate my existence. I want people to gush and rant and rave and

Unknown Speaker 19:01

say I'm the best and say I figured it out before everyone else. And say, Look at the big brain on Holly on Riordan. What?

Unknown Speaker 19:27

They really deserve our attention.

Speaker 1 19:36

It's not what higher self wants. Higher Self wants to elevate all of us but the little kid and the consumer creature. I mean, there's a reason they resonated with fight club that was told they were going to be a movie God, rock star, an icon. They're still very disillusioned that that was a lie. Yet my real soul, the part of me that is timeless, wants nothing more than to get off the hamster wheel the pressure of producing I only want to make a thing if it can help someone else awaken, if it can help someone else not jump off a building. But maybe that's just a different form of punishment and enclosure. Maybe that's just a different form of Messiah Complex. Maybe I need to make shit just to make shit, because it's a human impulse to generate, hmm, maybe that's the problem is that I need to make stuff just to make stuff. It sounds so obvious when you say it that way, but then part of the creativity that I'm channeling needs to be how that finds expression with the larger collective. Because to me, it is only real if it can be brought back to the village, I don't know. Is that true? What's real and what isn't and is only what's real valuable. What is real anyway? Like, I'm gonna solve this one. I'm being ontology, haunt ology, haunted by what did and didn't used to be material, haunted by things that are clearly just as much here as anything else, but I can't prove materially. Thank God. I still feel like I'm hitting this stumbling block of quote, unquote proof. This is where the fear of triangles and math comes in. Don't make me try to prove it. I don't know how to do that in your system. Don't make me try to prove it. I don't know how to do that to a Christian.

Unknown Speaker 23:21

The Christians take everything so literal.

Unknown Speaker 23:30

I mean, their whole symbol is a dude becoming material. I

Speaker 1 23:43

The Buddhist story goes the other direction. It's about transcending the body. The Christian story is almost about transcending the spiritual, because it all centers around Christ's incarnation. Jesus was the divine made flesh. Need to sit with this one for a minute. It's coming back to that scene at daycare, the kid with the cup full of sand,

Unknown Speaker 24:35

and me already disbelieving before age 10, like young having already lost touch with that Divine Child,

Speaker 1 24:47

the one who could play and see the world as one soul, the one who wanted to believe so badly that the cup was full of more than sand they wanted to recapture. About Jesus magic that

Unknown Speaker 25:06

have been possessed by the shame in the body and the culture in the mind. It says that shit ain't real unless you can perceive it with your senses, measure it, put it in an experiment and replicate it. Double blind.

Speaker 1 25:32

Double blind that takes on an interesting meaning, doesn't it? Blind in both dimensions? That's how we've been living double blind from the seeing the unseen realm at the same time. Of course,

Unknown Speaker 25:50

we haven't been able to figure out where we're going. We haven't been able to see in the night or the day world.

Speaker 1 25:58

We've lost both visions. You eyes. We need a five fold, multi dimensional awakening. We need all of the eyes opened wide again to let more light information in, streaming in from the sun, from the pyramids, from the star of Sirius and beyond.

Unknown Speaker 26:32

Give me the light of the moon, the things that can only be felt we need to invent new languages, cosmologies, galaxies, worlds, from token to the DMT room, because we don't have adequate Ways to convey it in this dimension. Can't hold it.

Unknown Speaker 27:13

We need plant o vision and jungle television

Speaker 1 27:21

to even think about trying to convey the depth of This experience. We need to remember how to communicate in these ways. That's why they had to. Don't think of it as a restriction, a taking away. It's about an opening, an invitation, a relationship with a plant, which is what I've had with a cacao. I haven't been binging. Well, sorry I have been binging. Sorry I haven't been restricting everything else. I've been in devotion. I've been fasting. From other things and in communion with the plant. But the part I gotta work on is the part where I can energetically sensor

Unknown Speaker 28:38

to use the body to transcend it. I it's

Unknown Speaker 28:46

kind of the whole thing, isn't it?

Speaker 1 29:02

I I needed more than anything that wouldn't seem I got from Stephanie yesterday, and I'm trying to hold on to it. I Oh, I so badly. Just needed someone else to validate my experience, to say it's real. These other realms exist. You are talking to things that aren't in bodies. Your ancestors are here with you. I can feel them for you, even if you don't trust it yet, I can help translate for the things you're still remembering how to contact someone else just to say it is real. I. That was everything someone else to look me in the eye and tell me, in another culture, you would have been taken under the wing of a healer, a teacher, a seer. You would have been apprenticed. You would have been mentored. They would have shown you the ways they would have seen your aptitude, and they would have taken you in as one of them. You were just born into the wrong culture, kid and not wrong. I believe we choose our path and Bodhisattva and all that. And, yeah, yeah, blah, blah. But you know what? We still just need someone to tell you that it didn't have to be this way and it shouldn't have to. Need someone to tell you, kid, the cup is full of more than just sand,

Unknown Speaker 31:07

it's fucking magic.

Speaker 1 31:14

Need to re enchant and re ensoul the world again. I need someone to tell us it's more than just empty space in mindless stuff, that everything is alive and communicating, that everything has inherent meaning, that the telos of the universe is maybe just to recognize that it exists, but it's not meaningless. The purpose is to recognize that it exists, to witness itself, to just say that we were here and this happened. I

Speaker 2 32:00

Speaker 1 32:05

did it, we made it, we built it. For a moment. It existed before it disappeared again. I there's still something I feel that's a bit unexpressed about This link between the mother and suicidality and creativity And you fear that you're not going to be okay without her, that you have to die before she does, or you won't be able to handle it. I used to feel like that. I'm so relieved not to anymore, and

Unknown Speaker 33:40

want to help others feel that too.

Speaker 1 33:53

Yet I also want to help others see the beauty of the Divine longing. I also want to help others connect with the beauty and power of the impermanence of the eighth principle of the sorrow, to not want to bypass it, to not just focus on getting to the oneness and the interconnectedness, but actually reveling In the experience of the disillusion, actually appreciating the pain and not wanting to just blow through it, seeing the pain as a portal, as necessary, as important, seeing the magic of The eighth principle of the moon, of the darkness you seeing the cave not as empty, but as full of the richest kind of experience, and that is dieta. It's not taking away, it's not punishment, it's not being grounded and sent to your room. It's. Grounded in the foundational sense, in the comfort and the holding and the awakening and the opening to something much more complex and vast, infinite opening to a relationship with a plant taking the other noise away so you can hear them. This is the divine union. Whoa. This is the divine union that I'm trying to do, communion with God that I've been seeking. This Is my monastery. Wow, wow. I mean, in a way, the spiritual journey is kind of suicidality, killing the ego. Can you give yourself to something so devotedly that you disappear completely,

Unknown Speaker 37:09

that you merge with it totally, to the point where a separate you doesn't even exist anymore. I

Speaker 1 37:23

That's sex, that's death, that's consciousness, experimentation. How far can you push it and still retain your edges? How far can you push it and still be in this world? How far can you push it and still not quite be dead yet, but kind of, can you die just a little the Little death, the orgasm in French?

Unknown Speaker 37:58

La petite more, I

Speaker 1 38:17

that's kind of the whole thing, isn't it? Can you die just a little bit, but not completely. Yeah, can you disappear, but not completely? To be or not to be, Radiohead and Hamlet, I thought I was being original. They already lead me to it. I mean, that's just evidence right there. I had no idea there was actually a Radiohead Shakespeare play, but I was receiving it in California in a bed with a broken pelvis how to disappear completely. It was one of the first sequences I wrote. I

Unknown Speaker 39:25

I mean, Exhibit A show that to Gallery, see how much it compares to what she saw on the stage. There's your quote, unquote proof. Do archetypal experiencing.

Speaker 1 39:51

So there's also something to this, like, this is my thing. I guess I. This is my creative expression. Is synthesizing whatever are the current topics or issues, what are the current personal issues that I'm working through? How is that then showing up, and what I'm being drawn to research, what I'm receiving from the ether and the ancestors.

Unknown Speaker 40:25

Yeah, like, what am I researching, and how is that expressing itself and what I'm making.

Speaker 1 40:33

This is my life in auto theory. This is my life in the PhD product. Product, that's funny process. This is my body in the PhD process, chronicled through submissions of things that got rejected. That's kind of fun. My body of work will be things that didn't get grant funding,

Unknown Speaker 41:13

that I just did myself, because the point was coming up with a proposal. The

Speaker 1 41:30

point was just to put a container around with emergent living. I didn't have a framework for a way to describe it, and it kind of didn't make sense, actually, until I had to make it a project, a product. So I guess in that way, thank you, capitalism. Yeah, this is auto theory. This is me living a PhD, because this is my process. I'm going through something in my personal life. I go to the altar and ask the ancestors, they show me what to research because of correspondence, those things that happened in history or that are reflected in these spiritual, esoteric, historical anthropological concepts have universal resonance, because what's happening in my internal experience is also written the stars. And then there's the creative expression where I where it's channeled through my body and regurgitated. Of course, I'm always spitting things out. That's funny. I I'm just the vessel, the channel, the hollow bone, the mama bird, the death Omen, that digests things and then regurgitates them for her children, so they're easier to swallow through some kind of creative form, I make what I'm learning and experiencing easier for other people to swallow so they can help make sense of their experience. That's what it is to be a shaman. That's what this PhD program is. That's what being a human is. Paleolithic metaphysics says that rocks are insoled and horses have uteruses. And caves that seem empty are the most vibrant and alive because they help us see with five fold vision, extra sensory perception, entering into the other dimensions that are always present later. On top of this one, like an onion skin in the dark, we see more clearly, but we widen the eye and let more light in light information. Sirius, 23 23 degree activation, solar zenith alignment and moon and. Sensuality, I don't know, Moon seduction, eighth principle, beckoning seductively. The eighth principle luring you in with that sweet stench of fermentation, death and resurrection so awkward, dying to who we thought we were, and being reborn as something more infinite and interconnected than we ever could have conceived of. I'm in old school, cacao Tori, hashtag, experiments and consciousness. I'm back to last summer at that house sit where I feel completely in another realm, on in DNA, from sitting with cacao and nothing else, from talking to the ancestors, from stripping down the inputs, from just letting myself talk and listen, receive East forest in my ears,

Unknown Speaker 46:29

cacao in my cup,

Speaker 1 46:32

coursing through my veins. It's probably too much that's gotten the point at which I hear the most. Wet hashtag, not a micro goes when I wasn't really trying to have that much, but it just kind of happens that's my kink, I guess. Oops. I didn't mean to oops. I didn't mean to blast my consciousness away, oops. I didn't mean to kill myself, oops, I didn't mean to disappear completely. Kind of just happened. I don't like that kink. I want to take okay, but I don't like it, so that makes it a shadow, and that makes it stronger. So hi, I see you. I want to transcend and include that. See it and raise it. Let's just embrace the disappearing. Let's do it consciously. Let's do it willingly. Let's take off the mouse costume and pick up the flute and become the Piper, or at least just be the ecstatic dancer who follows him willingly into the NL you it's all about remembering. We just want to be told that we are right, that we always knew to begin with. We just want to have our experience validated, we just want to show our parents and have them be like, Yep, good job, kid. You figured it out. Whether that's God or our father and what's the difference? Anyway, I as Tyler Riordan said, our fathers bailed and they were our model for God. So

Unknown Speaker 49:18

what does that show you about God? I

Speaker 1 49:29

his takeaway was we don't need him. But no, dude, that's not right. Of course, we need him, but we just also have to realize that we are him and we bail and we return. I am Bob Regan. That's where my Ayahuasca journey began. In

Unknown Speaker 49:48

2019 I

Unknown Speaker 49:54

was trying to do the scientific experiment,

Unknown Speaker 49:58

stress test. The muscle test.

Unknown Speaker 50:05

It would supposedly to set the parameters the conditions by saying something not real. And so I said I am Bob Regan, and my body said that I was lying. And it strikes me too that I'm always trying to prove

Speaker 1 50:37

the algorithm wrong, that the AI is lying, and the AI does lie, but I guess that assumes an objective truth, right? It all comes back to what's real anyway. Is it important that there's a dimension where we decide certain things do and don't exist. This is like, what I was getting stuck on yesterday, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Like, we say that it's important to be able to operate in the third dimension. And like, Yes, I guess because we have to keep our bodies alive. But there's a third dimension, and there's physical existence, and then there's consumer, capitalist culture, and those aren't the same things. And I felt like yesterday, Stephanie was really validating this. Like, yes, this, quote, unquote, other world, this going to live in the jungle, apprentice with medicine, maybe live there, you know, maybe be initiated into this lineage. Like living in the jungle isn't escaping, it's embracing. It's giving yourself fully to just a different way of naming and containing and expressing and sharing the human experience, like that's fucking colonialism, saying that only our way is real. And we say that people are being escapist, and they're mentally and well, if they want to go live in the jungle forever and serve medicine, I mean, as long as they're not saying like, I am God, the Savior, personally, you know, if, if we're trying to actually, respectfully, consciously in community in Ayni, enter into a life, you know,

Unknown Speaker 52:50

with Another culture that revolves around communicating with other realms and oh, like, that is a way that people live. They're just different people.

Speaker 1 53:14

Like, is that what makes us real is other people, and if you say yes, and consciousness is but like, if consciousness is relational, can't being in existence and communion with the plants be just as real as with people? I don't know, but either way, I feel like the answer is with lineages like the Shipibo, or it's about the relationship with the plants, where it's about that direct experience and communion and communication. I want to train in this lineage. This calls me, for a reason, because this is kind of at the fundamental nature of like, my exploration, are the plants and the dead, the trees and the forest, just as in, as alive and sentient and as important to connect with on that deepest, most intimate of levels where you give yourself to them completely. Like, is that just as real as connecting with humans? And like, even here there's human intermediaries. It's not like, I'm completely fucking off from them and becoming that human intermediary, I think, is, like, important and maybe the point of my life. Because to me, yeah, it does all come back to other people. And can I have, like, can I go into this experience so that I can then learn how to share it with others? But it's about. Of helping other people learn to develop their own relationship with non human entities, right? This is the divine quest transcend and include like we bring each other along in the quest to disappear completely that's going along together, like we recruit each other, we walk each other home to the experience of dying,

Unknown Speaker 55:24

of disappearing, of merging with the oneness that isn't in a body anymore. Through the body, we transcend the body. Through the body, we die.

Speaker 1 55:39

And the experience culminates in this like the point of the good life is to fully appreciate it so you can die. Well, I think, no,

Unknown Speaker 55:55

I don't know what's the meaning of life. I

Speaker 1 56:07

like the meaning of life is to die well, but sort of the paradox at the heart of it is that you can only do that if you've really experienced it. I I've got dying flowers on my altar, and I think they're the most beautiful i

Unknown Speaker 56:47

Maybe I am supposed to do this death. I think I'm kind of doing it no matter what I'm doing.

Speaker 1 56:59

I just got cold. Some ancestors are here. Some people in the other dimension are here. I mean, not like they haven't been this whole time. But Bill, how do I fulfill my contract with you that Crystal's still weighing down my pocket? Maybe Cal was wrong about that spell you gave me. Maybe I do need to consciously everybody's here, but you told me I 12 thoughts today, creative genius days strike terror into my heart, because how do I ever convey all of this to anyone else in a way that will ever make any sense? Stephanie said, your ancestors want you to do things they don't want you to just think about them. They want you to get out of the mind. And yet, the day before gallery said, it's all about the mind. Isn't that funny? The two big awakenings, the two big validations, the two big things that made me feel really excited for the teacher saying it's all about the bind and it's all about training the mind. That was what she said. She's very steeped in Vedic tradition. She said it's all about training and disciplining the mind like but so you can use it as a tool. And then Stephanie says, The ancestors want you to get out of your mind. But I guess they're saying the same thing, aren't they? Yeah, so it's all about the mind, and none of it is. It's about using it as a technology to leave it behind, because that's the uniqueness of the human vessel. And Terence McKenna is here now, bringing it back to that talk, that one walk to dance, that one day, oh my god, man, that was a fucking portal moment. And I actually think that's when I was staying at that house. I'm pretty sure it is the one where Josh came over and said that he thought I was crazy and that I was having some kind of mental unraveling. When Josh came over and witnessed me, i. Like Tyler Riordan said, this is our greatest moment together, where you're disappearing completely and you're wandering around waving a gun at your imaginary friends. Our greatest moment you're off somewhere, missing him. I He saw me in actually one of my most creative, generative periods. That's when I was first working out the PhD blog format, and I was trying to start the podcast, and I got paralyzed with both of them, because he came and witnessed me in that element, and he called it unwellness, and he doubled down on that masculine experience and said, You're sick. This isn't knowing. This isn't experiencing. This is disorder, and it validated all my worst fears. And so, of course, I made it Stockholm syndrome.

Unknown Speaker 1:01:29

And so, of course, I instantly turned that into you. I guess I'm in love with them. Isn't that funny?

Speaker 1 1:01:39

When actually it was just total gaslighting and harm and abuse and really hurt me and struck on all my worst fears. It was all my worst fears. It was some letting someone in and having them not only not see it, but be like, not only is that not real, like you're broken, you need help. That masculine rationalist fucking, patronizing patriarchal bullshit, just because it's wrapped up in something nice, just because he's kind

Unknown Speaker 1:02:27

doesn't make it any less gaslighting. So of course, they keep reaching out to him and then pulling back.

Speaker 1 1:02:37

It's the whole fucking patriarchal paradigm playing again and again. You know what? We probably need to teach a workshop together. I on the one hand, I had a real need for human validation, because I'm a person in a body. But I also don't need some fucking man to tell me that what I know is real exists. I need to show him. We need to show them. We need to rein soul the world again. We don't need their fucking validations the other way around. Well, no, it's not. The other world doesn't need to be proven, Right? But

Unknown Speaker 1:03:59

we need to help people remember, I

Speaker 1 1:04:24

the other realm doesn't need me to prove it exists. It exists anyway I

Unknown Speaker 1:05:01

Something's coming in now about conscious play. Yeah, can it be just for fun?

Speaker 1 1:05:14

Maybe we try to prove it exists, just for fun. I it just because it's fun to action it out and think about stuff. No, it's really sweet, actually, just for fun, just for funsies, maybe we come up with mathematical formulas and draw on cave walls and put on theatrical productions just because it's fun, just because it's fun to think about stuff and make stuff and run around in costumes like it used to with Bill. So

Unknown Speaker 1:06:11

the pain makes it real. See what's here, and now he's there, and that doesn't make him any less present. In fact, it makes him more real. I think that's the thing.

Speaker 1 1:06:27

It's at the heart of all of this. The other realm is more real actually, than this one, because it's always with you. It doesn't require you to physically transport your matter somewhere else to experience it. That's why this dimension is limited. It's the matter. And yet the matter is what allows you to feel this depth that is so profound. Yeah. How do you talk about this kind of mystery? And this is why I think what's resonating right now with what I'm doing are these experiences. Like, I don't want to just sit in a room and think about it anymore, and yet that's also, like, really fun. I do want to, like, do mathy thinky things, to try to prove it, because that is actually fun. But I don't think that's what fundamentally changes people. I don't think that's what fundamentally helps people heal, and that's what's most important about my life. I don't know how to reconcile all these things, but like, there are people that do this, right? I mean, like Deepak Chopra, like he actually does transcendental shit and helps people heal. And he also does like, Inky shit and writes papers like, who says, We can't do it all. Who says, Add can't be a superpower. It's just about learning to focus and train the mind, huh? Master and the emissary who's serving you? Okay? I'm just laughing like, What a stupid exercise. I spent an hour on this little giant train just to come back to Hmm. I guess we can do more than one thing. We just have to train the mind. Like every Buddhist everywhere just said, No fucking shit. I Oh, but it's more than that. You know, it's the jungle, it's the plant communion, like, that's the important element that's missing from a lot of Buddhism, but not all of it, because that's why I'm drawn to people like Ash and Acacia like because they study Mike Crowley and the secret drugs of Buddhism. And actually, the real history of Buddhism does involve plant communion and Anita muscaria is really at the heart of it. Like, I think we just forgot that all this shit used to be one thing. There didn't used to be dinky stuff and dewy stuff. I think in the very beginning there was no separation. And I mean, that is true. That is why astrology, right? Astrology was thinking stuff and and spiritual stuff at the same time. Like, the point is to solving the boundaries. The point is not to do all the things at once, like, the point is to collapse the boundaries and make it more and more. One thing again, I think maybe I think that's trans, is that we've done the separation. We've been the like, hey, we can do multiple things, and that maybe now the trans immersions and the work of. Of my incarnation, the next generation age Aquarian, is to collapse those boundaries, but from a new and broader, deeper perspective, with more light and more information and more darkness, night world and day world have to emerge into the Twilight. That's why the trans archetype is soccer ball. That's why those of us with Twilight charts, we're not one sect or the other, we have to be the priest exes and the guides and the Pied Pipers to lead the way forward into the past. Past meets presence is the mantra for a reason. I but what does that look like? How do I do that? That's where I'm getting stuck. And the day of the creative genius strikes terror into my heart because I don't know how to convey this. I I guess, like they say you're supposed to just gesture at the moon, but I'm hot for her, and I want to ripple her clothes off and put her on stage and be like, Look at her. Isn't she beautiful?

Unknown Speaker 1:11:45

But that's exploitative, and I don't want to be a fucking capitalist pig anymore.

Speaker 1 1:11:55

I want to be an animal in the forest Pharaoh and I am. I mean, there's a reason that my awakening and my return started with falling in love with a girl named Chandra. Hot for them. Oh my God, that's hilarious. All along it's been such a blatant double entendre, I didn't even see it. That's so funny. Hot for the moon. At the very beginning of my awakening, when I was just a baby. I don't even know if I'd met Christine yet or discovered Kundalini. I think it was No. It was when I just had I fell in love with a girl named Chandra the moon, and she helped me see that spirituality was real. She affirmed my experience. She said, Yes, I have communicated with these other realms. Yes, I have done these practices, and they work, and they helped me, and they opened me like she just basically was like, yeah, it's real. And you know, Bill was part of that too, because Bill was always witchy, and Bill may not have known how to channel it for healing, but he affirms that these other things were real, and so did Angela I Lance and Justin, there were always these people who were, like our rationalist material daddies making sure our bodies didn't die, which is really important, but that's always how shamanism worked. There always was a minder keeping the physical body of the healer alive, because it actually is too much for you to do by yourself. That's what these other cultures teach us, and that's why Stephanie's validation was so important, and that's why actually apprenticing with these lineages is so important, and that's why I just pray and beg that on this pilgrimage I'm about to embark on, I will be adopted. I will be chosen to apprentice, please. I need the holding in into the dead. I promise I will figure out how to express and share creatively what you need me to convey. I will be your Emissary. I will be your mouthpiece. Just show me how and help me hold my physical body through help me stay alive, and I will help you stay alive.

Unknown Speaker 1:14:56

Let's help each other stay alive and.

Speaker 1 1:15:08

Can we just do that? Can we all just stop dying for like five seconds in both dimensions? Can we have a family meeting of the internal family system? It's been so weird, you know, I spent most of the past year and a half with Ralph's voice in my head, more days than that. And now he's dead. They're dead. Why do I keep fucking doing that, misgendering them in death? Fuck the body. Maybe had that expression that's not the fucking soul. I need to explore this. Why do I all of a sudden lose the language when they die, trying to hold on to them being material, I think, trying to keep them in this world by putting the binary on them. That's what it is, Denial of Death, not wanting to let go of them. I start misgendering because the binary is what we feel like makes us real. The culture told us a body was it's trying to put them back into their body. That's interesting, and that's the cultural resistance, maybe, to using these pronouns, fear of transcendence, wanting to hold on to our limited material existence, the colonists wanting to keep their power, people wanting to stay in a small world view. Yeah, people are afraid to transcend because we don't have the frameworks, we don't have the guidance, we don't have the culture anymore to support that we're remembering. I just saw a moon pass around, an orb the Earth. It was really beautiful, like Native American. It was every culture's indigenous image combined in one, wow. That was beautiful. That was like a full blown DMT vision, because it lasted for only a second, but

Unknown Speaker 1:18:04

wow, that was cool.

Speaker 1 1:18:07

It was the planet that was the galaxies, it was the cosmos. It was the stars and planets. It was the forest and the ocean. It was everything at once, and the planetary bodies all passed around them. It was like a snapshot of the Earth, the Zodiac, that everything superimposed on top of everything, a DMT hyper object that is the earth. And I saw the moon, the sun, the planetary bodies all rotate around the outside of it as it rotated. It was the whole thing in a split second. That was fucking cool. Wow, thank you. See, like, I don't even know how to describe what I just saw, much less convey it to others. How do you do that? I guess that's the point. Just to try. I guess that's the point of any of it. Just to try, because it's fun in it, if you can shift your perspective,

Unknown Speaker 1:19:21

the saint that is the fool, reminding us to laugh

Speaker 1 1:19:31

a little more, but also that it's really serious when The pain is the portal. This is the laughter. Now I've just turned into a triteness factory. There's always a point in the ramblings which I just start saying really obvious shit, but it's because I think that's part of the journey. There's a point at which. It you just embody all the cliches. So can I be the elder that doesn't get irrelevant? Can I be the elder that can make the cliches fun and exciting? I want to help people experience these somatically, interconnectedly. I mean, I mean, that's like static dance, like, that's a fun, unique way to do it. I want to make DJ sets. I want to lead workshops. And I also want to go to the jungle for very long periods and just commune with the plants. And so I'm excited. And so I do see dads as an opening, and I thought it was longer than two weeks. And I'm actually, like, quite disappointed that it isn't. I time isn't real, and it will be whatever it is. And I'm really excited for the opportunity to enter into relationship with the plant directly, and that's what it's about. It's not about staying busy. Isn't about bringing enough stuff that you'll have to do during this period. It's about entering into the dream, learning to speak the other language, just experiencing this other quality of time, and that's why Amanita is actually a perfect preparation, because that was my experience, that ceremony was just like pure liminality, dream time where you're not doing anything, you're not really thinking anything, like it was very much like the Bardo was Very much like the in between state, like you're just being and receiving, and I knew that I was receiving something important. But could I tell you what the fuck it was like? I didn't really bring much that was tangible back. Oh, that's not true. I mean, the whole queer Nutcracker poured out at the end of it. Maybe that was the beginning. It's the same thing, right? But the actual quality of the experience itself, it was very different. Mushrooms are like non stop information theory. But I this was just being receiving some other level. Yeah, that was the beginning of the plant language and the plant communion. And I think that's a lot of what dieta will be like. Sounds nice, but like, I also want to get to the place where making stuff feels fun again. Like when I was a kid, I used to just sit and draw for like, eight hours a day. It was my favorite thing. Now it feels like a thing I have to make myself do for a to produce something. That's what I was trying to not make it all along. That's why I actually didn't go to art school. Isn't that funny? Somewhere I came up with a narrative that the world did it to me and took it from me, but actually I chose not to go to art school because I didn't want to ruin it. And here I am, and what I was afraid of was kind of happening, so, huh? Look at that. Maybe I always fucking knew all along, and that isn't that what it all just keeps coming back to that's fun, old school roof down with a cacao I've always been in relationship with this plant. But the point is now to strip away the need to be filtering so much through the body. Maybe, I don't know. Is it more or less body? You know, like you're both consuming less and thinking less, disappearing completely. I think that's diet. I think that's the spiritual practice. It is dissolving both the body and the mind, isn't it? Dissolving the body, training the mind. That's what Ralph was doing. With us the whole time.

Unknown Speaker 1:25:13

That's all any of it is really disappearing completely. I that

Speaker 1 1:25:26

the purest being is getting rid of both the body and the mind, and yet we have to use those vehicles, because otherwise we don't exist on this dimensional plane anymore. I

Unknown Speaker 1:25:43

Okay, now I'm getting to the point where I'm not saying anything useful. Thank you for the medicine, thank you for the reconnection, the reawakening, and my own inner knowing. I under knowing that's it. Oh.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

——————-

Methodology + Auto-Observation: Old Skool Hi-Dose Cacao

Speaker 1 discusses their unconventional approach to obtaining a PhD, emphasizing the use of direct experience and indigenous methods over traditional academic participation. They question whether they can achieve academic recognition by engaging in practices like learning from plants in the jungle, using psychedelic experiences and historical references as citations, and documenting their journey through non-linear, multimedia means. The speaker's thesis revolves around the idea of returning to ancient forms of study, which they believe should involve direct interaction with nature and the spiritual world, rather than adhering to institutional norms.

Action Items

Continue the exploration of how to "disappear completely" and transcend the body and mind.
Pursue the goal of getting a PhD by not participating in the traditional institutional structure, but instead by going to the jungle, learning from plants directly, and using psychedelic and direct experiences as citations.
Document the journey in a "red book" with images, drawings, collages, found objects, altars, and workshops.

Outline

Exploring Consciousness and PhD Experimentation

Speaker 1 discusses the concept of disappearing completely using the body and mind, questioning how to transcend materiality.
The PhD is described as an auto-theory and meta-documentation project, exploring how to achieve academic success without traditional participation.
Speaker 1 contemplates the possibility of obtaining a PhD by minimizing involvement with institutional structures, funding, and grants.
The idea of using direct experiences with plants and psychedelics as citations is proposed, challenging traditional academic methods.

Challenging Academic Norms with Indigenous Practices

Speaker 1 questions whether they can get a PhD by engaging in activities like going to the jungle and learning from plants, using natural elements as citations.
The speaker emphasizes the importance of returning to indigenous systems of direct experience as a central thesis.
The documentation of this journey is described as a mystical process involving images, drawings, scrolls, transmissions, collages, found objects, and altars.
Speaker 1 highlights the inability to present a coherent, finished body of work, preferring to capture moments in time and experiences.

Presenting Non-Linear Academic Work

Speaker 1 mentions the difficulty of conveying their non-linear academic work without rambling.
The concept of presenting moments that have a teleology, or a beginning, middle, and end, from a certain perspective, is introduced.
The speaker acknowledges the challenge of communicating their methodology without lengthy explanations.
The focus is on capturing snapshots of experience and vessels that contain these moments, rather than a structured narrative.

TRANSCRIPT / LISTEN:

Speaker 1 00:02

Okay, every time I think I'm done, then more comes in. So if part of the experiment in consciousness is how can I disappear completely? But like using i and the means of connection of materiality, the body and the mind. How can I use the body and the mind to disappear completely, to transcend them? And this PhD is all about auto theory and meta documentation. I like, how can I get a PhD by not participating in the program? Is kind of what I feel like I'm doing. Because that's what it seems to be about. It's like, how can I use the process of being rejected from the systems and opting out and, like, not participating in funding and grants and not participating in all the traditional ways of doing it. Like, how can I get a PhD by not doing it? How could I get a PhD by, like, participating as little as possible in the actual institutional structure of it? Can I still get the piece of paper by doing what I would do anyways, going to the jungle and learning from the plants directly, like this is sort of the game I think that I'm trying to play is the like, can I still get them to give me the piece of paper if I don't do any of the fucking shit they say that I'm supposed to? Can I still get them to give me the piece of paper with those three letters if I actually just fuck off and go to the jungle and remember how to speak to the plants directly, and use the dead as my citations, and use psychedelic experience as my citations, and use direct experience as my citations. Like, obviously, I'll read some stuff along the way. It's me, but like, I think that's the point of this whole project. Can I get them to grant me those three letters by basically doing none of the things that they'd expect of me, by forging my own study, by reminding us that the original form of study was to go to the fucking jungle by yourself in a hut and talk To the plants and talk to the dead

Unknown Speaker 03:02

and talk to the gods, and you've got some elder humans to guide you, but

Speaker 1 03:12

yeah, by returning to these indigenous systems of direct experience, like that is my thesis. That was my thesis from the beginning. And I document this journey in this kind of red book, like mystical way of images, drawings, scrollings, transmissions. Collages, found objects, altars, workshops that help people remember conversations, just conversations don't necessarily have a point or a thesis snap. Snapshots of experience, moments in time, vessels, containers. That's all we are, and that's all I can present to you. I can't present to you something finished. I can't present to you a body of work that is quote, unquote, coherent. I can't present to you something with a beginning middle and end, necessarily,

Unknown Speaker 04:26

but I can show you a moment that, like, has a teleology and, you know, I guess it has a beginning, middle and end, sort of. But I

Unknown Speaker 04:45

it only from a certain perspective.

Speaker 1 04:55

That's it. But you know, how do we even convey that without rambling like. Going to take for five minutes? Do.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

—————————————

Thinky stuff + feely stuff

Speaker 1 discusses their journey of spiritual realization through high-dose cacao experiences, aiming to access the Akashic Records and the essence of plants without physical consumption. They explore the concept of "light information," suggesting that different perspectives, like traditional and modern astrology, offer unique insights but ultimately reflect the same truth. The speaker also reflects on their personal growth, the influence of their parents' perspectives, and their ambivalence about attending a theater workshop in France, which they feel is significant despite their reluctance. They mention a fear of alcohol and the potential for a transformative experience with a friend.

Outline

High Dose Cacao Experience and Spiritual Realization

Speaker 1 describes a high dose cacao experience, emphasizing the use of a candle and a significant amount of cacao to open a portal.
The goal is to achieve the same effects with just thinking, aiming to learn the language of plants and access the Akashic Records.
Speaker 1 visualizes accessing a cosmic library and unfolding a vision related to Celia Lee, indicating a spiritual awakening.
The concept of light information is introduced, suggesting that material and spiritual realms are interconnected, and the goal is to transcend the need for physical substances.

Understanding Light Information and Akashic Records

Speaker 1 elaborates on light information, explaining that it awakens the Akashic Records in various natural structures like pyramids and tree roots.
The discussion shifts to the idea that humans are not material objects but collections of moments, similar to artwork or a play.
The ultimate spiritual realization is to consume less and less until one can access the desired state without any physical substance.
This state is described as allowing a good death, as the realms are seen as adjacent and layered, rather than separate.

Traditional and Modern Astrology Perspectives

Speaker 1 discusses traditional astrology, noting the conviction of different astrologers and the importance of the light source (moon or sun) in their interpretations.
The concept of sect astrology is introduced, focusing on the luminary (moon or sun) and its impact on the landscape and individual experiences.
Modern astrology is contrasted with traditional, highlighting the individual's perspective versus the collective perspective.
Archetypal astrology is presented as a middle ground, integrating both individual and collective experiences, and framing non-duality in a way that resonates with Western culture.

Personal Reflections and Art-Reason Balance

Speaker 1 reflects on their personal bias towards archetypal astrology, which combines individual and collective perspectives.
The importance of language in understanding spiritual concepts is emphasized, with a preference for the way Young and Ramdas frame non-duality.
Speaker 1 identifies as both thinky and feely, balancing art and reason, and acknowledges the influence of their parents' perspectives.
The challenge of holding both art and reason simultaneously is mentioned, with a sense of uncertainty about whether it can be achieved.
Commitment to a Theater Workshop in France

Speaker 1 expresses reluctance about attending a theater devising workshop in France, despite recognizing its importance.
The workshop is connected to a PhD journey and a performance-based methodology, with a significant personal connection to the first participant, Kit.
The speaker's lack of resonance with the old part of themselves that enjoyed wine and food in the French countryside is noted.
The possibility of a Jodorowsky quest with a friend from Nest is mentioned, suggesting a deeper reason for attending the workshop in France.

TRANSCRIPT / LISTEN:

Speaker 1 00:00

#methodology, #experimentsinconsciousness. Hashtag high dose cacao. Hashtag old school. Hashtag analog. Now just some methodology and process notes. This is a proper old school, high dose cacao experience, just me and a candle and like, a fucking shitload of cacao. Like, let's be real. Like, probably too much. But who's to say what that is? A fucking lot. I happen. But it does open a portal. The goal is to get there without that much. The goal is to get there with just thinking about it. The goal is to learn the language of the plants, where you just where you use the light information, the photosynthesis. That's it. I think that's the goal, and that's the message, and that's the ultimate telos of the practice. And I think that's what light information means. Can we get to the point where we just think about the plants and then we invoke that essence and unlock that ability, and that part of the Akashic Records opens to us, and that part of our rainbow body practice is accessed. This is material that part of the spiritual is materialized, yes, and I'm seeing a vision of going to the cosmic library and checking a book out. And it's also a route that's unfolding my Celia Lee and lighting me up, fucking Hey, I just got somewhere. Ding, ding, ding, Oh, that's fun. Holy shit. Yeah, that's what light information is, I think, is awakening the Akashic Records inside of us that are in the pyramids, that are in the tree roots that are in the mushroom mycelial network. We start with having to consume the substance to get it because we forgot and because we have bodies, because we're material objects, but we're not objects because there is no such thing. We are happenings. We are collections. We are freeze frames. We are snapshots, just like the Zodiac, just like a piece of artwork, just like a play that we perform on a stage. And so the goal and the spiritual realization and the thing we're working towards is to strip away more and more. First, consume less dieta, get in touch with the plants. Remember that language, which is both somatic and mental, and then transcends both of them and make consume less and less until you don't need to consume anything at all. You just think about it, and you get there. You don't even think about it. You just get there. You just are there all the time, and you don't even have to try. And that's what allows you to have a good death. Is because really, there's honestly not much of a difference anymore. If you really get there, I think there's not that much of a difference anymore. Because if the realms are not above or below, they're just other, they're just next to, they're just adjacent, they're just here. They're just layered. Then it's just like, blinking, right? It's just day transitioning to night. Is the same world. It's just different amounts of light. Ooh, fucking Hey, that's a big realization too. I'm finding myself just like pushing on my third eye right now. It's the same world. It's just different amounts of light. That's light information, night world and day world are the same fucking place. It's just, what can you see? It's just the light. There's something very interesting in this like old traditional astrology, you know, them reading these different sources, and they all are so convinced that they're right. You know, not everyone is. It's just like, what kind of light are you looking in the moon or the sun? Oh, my god, yeah, that's sect astrology, what's your luminary? What's your luminary? Sect astrology, is it the moon or the sun? Something's illuminating your landscape, and you see different things with the different types of light, and different planets are, quote, unquote. So beneficial and malefic. There's no such thing really. It's just like they present different challenges and different opportunities, and both are really good learning experiences, and some of them are fun, and some of them suck ass. And, yeah, yeah, we can look at it from the George perspective, and it's all fun, isn't it? And, yeah, yeah, yeah, impermanence and transcendence, but like, also it sucks and it's hard and it hurts, and we have to cry, we have to feel it. We can't deny that it can all be fun, but like, it's not, though, yeah, I Yeah, the traditional astrology says we're right because we see our place in the complete Cosmos, because we Say fate means recognizing that we're part of an ecosystem. But like archetypal astrology, modern astrology, says the same thing. It's just the perspective. They just go in through a different way. They go in through the mind to say, yeah. I mean, they yes and it and I feel like this is where maybe this is just my personal bias, but I feel like the archetypal astrology is like the third way between modern and traditional. Modern being like everything filtered through the experience of the individual to see the collective and traditional being everything filtered through the collective to say, like, this is your personal fate. Is how the planets are like, you know, bringing the circumstances to bear for you personally. So it goes from the out in, and modern astrology goes from the in, out in, archetypal astrology transcends those and says it's yes and your individual experience is just a reflection of The larger thing that's already happening. Better Living Through archetypes, like the archetypal perspective. This is why young is Naomi and Ramdas is Naomi. I feel like they are both really good at capturing this like paradox. I I don't know. I think they've just framed non duality in a way that, like, makes sense for people raised in Western culture, and that's all it is, because it's all saying the same shit. It's just like, Who puts it in the language that you can understand best. And for me, these guys put it in a way that I can understand, because I'm both thinky and feely, because I am both art and reason, and I know we all are, but like I feel like with my parents, I got really indoctrinated in both perspectives. And like young and Ramdas both do really good jobs of holding the paradox. And like, of course, Ram Dass may be here now this like super trippy art book that's very red book, like the Red Book, the Codex is like a key for me, and So was performance, dance, Astro, drama, I don't know like, there's still a part of me that feels like I can't hold both those at once, that it's like too much to try to like that. I can't focus on both of those at once. And I guess we'll see if that proves to be true or not. But I guess I'm doing this thing in France, even though I really don't want to. Okay, I guess theater devising, and I guess, I mean, there has to be a reason. That kit was the first person I connected with on this whole journey. That kit was the entry to the PhD. And kit is performance based methodology, and that's something about this theater device. Seen workshop in France feels really important, even though I really don't want to do it. And the fact that I really don't want to do it probably means I'm supposed to. But I don't know it feels like an old part of me would have been really excited about it, the part that wanted to drink wine and eat a bunch of food in the French countryside, and I just don't resonate with that anymore. So I don't know. I guess I have to keep feeling into whether or not I actually go. I've got a I've got a month, but the fact that my friend from nest is responding and wants to go on like a Jodorowsky quest, like that part seems fun and juicy, and I kind of feel like that part wouldn't be happening if I wasn't supposed to go to this thing. Maybe there's something about, I don't know. I've got, like, a fear of alcohol. I don't

Unknown Speaker 10:59

know. We'll see i.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Summary and Analysis of Conversations: June 13-22, 2025

Overview

Your recordings from June 13-22 reveal a period of intense spiritual exploration, personal reflection, and grief processing. The conversations weave together themes of practical spirituality, transformation through death, community building, and authentic self-expression. There's a notable journey through what you call the "Bardo" and references to shamanic practices, particularly influenced by Shipibo and Maya lineages.

Spiritual Journey and Transformation

You've been exploring the integration of spiritual practices into everyday life, emphasizing what you call "practical magic" - the tangible application of spirituality rather than purely astral experiences (Practical magic). This appears to be influenced by your experiences with Shipibo and Maya traditions, where you learned that spiritual work requires practical service and labor in exchange for astral experiences. The "13 Kilo Walk" appears as a significant ritual experience where you built an altar for someone named Bill and felt yourself moving into a concept of service (Personal Reflection Session). This connects to your later discussions about "walking Bill through the Bardo," suggesting a role as a spiritual guide for the deceased (Walking Bill Through the Bardo Part I). Your conversations reveal a deep engagement with death as transformation. You describe three choices upon reaching a "dimensional fire": resuming the same form, assuming a different form, or terminating the program to become part of the collective (Dimensional Journey Exploration). This concept of transformation through death recurs in your final recorded conversation where you discuss "Seven sermons to the dead" and compare transformation to processes of fermentation and decay that create something new and valuable (Spiritual Transformation Journey).

Your recordings reveal deep spiritual exploration across multiple traditions. On June 14, you discussed "practical magic" (Practical magic), emphasizing the importance of merging spirituality with everyday life. You referenced both Shipibo and Maya lineages, discussing how their practical approach to spirituality contrasts with more abstract concepts. You mentioned an "Ikaros" (song) given to you in the jungle and needing to complete a "dieta" to receive its final layers. On June 21, you explored themes of transformation and metamorphosis (Spiritual Transformation Journey), using imagery of decay and regeneration as necessary steps in personal growth. You compared this process to fermentation in fine cheese, wine, and cacao, suggesting that death and transformation are natural and beautiful processes.

Grief and Loss

A significant portion of your recordings deals with grief, particularly around the death of your cousin Amber Dawn McGhee (Grief Ritual: The Last Embers of Amber Dawn McGhee). You connect this personal loss to broader themes of shamanic initiation, describing a "contract to work with the dead" that began when you broke your pelvis. You express concern about your father's impending death and anxiety about potentially returning to Seattle. You reflect on the lack of collective grief rituals in Western culture and the importance of acknowledging death. The grief ritual for Amber Dawn includes a purple candle and reflections on her legacy as a good mother and cousin. You express a desire to heal what you call "the wounds of Irish Catholic bullshit" and end a legacy of abandonment within your family.

Throughout mid-June, you've been processing significant grief and loss. On June 19, you conducted a grief ritual for your cousin Amber Dawn McGhee, who recently passed away from cancer (Grief Ritual: The Last Embers of Amber Dawn McGhee). You reflected on your shamanic initiation and "contract to work with the dead," noting the importance of collective grief rituals in Western culture which often lacks them. You mentioned reading Francis Weller's book on grief before experiencing personal losses, and now understanding its relevance. The same day, you had another conversation about Amber where you discussed generational trauma, particularly in Irish Catholic families, and the cultural expectations placed on women that lead to repressed emotions and physical ailments (Amber Crossed Over). You connected this to your family's legacy of abandonment and expressed a desire to heal these wounds. You also mentioned experiencing five deaths in six months, framing this period as part of "Seven sermons to the dead" (Spiritual Transformation Journey), suggesting you're finding meaning in this succession of losses.

Personal Mythology and Identity

Throughout these recordings, you're actively constructing and exploring your personal mythology. You describe a symbolic marriage ten years ago as a commitment to your life's mission and "a contract with the dead," likening it to the hero twins' journey into the underworld (Personal Mythology Exploration). You struggle with questions of authenticity versus performance, describing tension between being a "showman" and a "shaman" (This space is worth more without you in it). This reflects a deeper concern about whether your spiritual practices and community roles are authentic expressions or performances for others' benefit. The recordings show you wrestling with decision-making, which you reframe as a form of sacrifice - each decision requires the "death" of potential alternative selves. You describe decision paralysis as loving all possibilities so much that choosing becomes difficult (Personal Mythology Exploration).

Several conversations centered on authenticity and identity. On June 21, you discussed with others the importance of taking up space and being seen (If we build it they will see us). You explored how queerness means eliminating hierarchy and living authentically, suggesting that one should "die to their bullshit and eliminate their image." You emphasized creating spaces for transformation through workshops and dances. You also reflected on feelings of invisibility and the pain of not being acknowledged (If we build it they will see us), connecting this to personal experiences and broader cultural patterns. You stressed the importance of building spaces that affirm worthiness and devotional practices, regardless of one's spirituality or appearance.

Community and Belonging

A recurring theme is the importance of community and shared spaces. You discuss the need for physical gathering places like tables, altars, or market stalls to bring people together (This space is worth more without you in it). You emphasize the value of queer and spiritual communities as places where you feel at home and can show up authentically. You express concern about the loss of community spaces due to commercial interests, suggesting that capitalism values spaces more without certain people in them. This connects to your broader reflections on colonialism and displacement.

Creative Expression

Several recordings show you engaging in creative expression through poetic language and metaphor. One session appears to be a creative writing exercise using vivid imagery of diving boards, green screams, and emotional distress (Creative Writing Session). Your language throughout the recordings is rich with symbolism and metaphor, suggesting that creative expression is an important part of your spiritual practice and meaning-making.

Future Directions

You mention considering options for securing a visa in the UK or building a life in Berlin (Practical magic), suggesting you're at a crossroads regarding your geographical location. You also express a desire to pause your PhD program to prepare a document, seeking help from others to streamline the process (Grief Ritual: The Last Embers of Amber Dawn McGhee). Throughout these conversations, you consistently emphasize the importance of balancing spiritual exploration with practical action, suggesting this integration is a central focus of your current life journey.

Summary and Analysis of Conversations (June 21-23, 2025)

Spiritual Exploration and Identity (June 21)

Your conversations on June 21 centered around themes of spiritual transformation, authenticity, and community building. In "This space is worth more without you in it," you discussed self-transformation through sacrifice, drawing parallels between mythology and personal experience (This space is worth more without you in it). You explored the tension between being a "showman" versus a "shaman" and questioned the authenticity of your actions. In "If we build it they will see us," you emphasized the importance of authenticity and advised that those meant to understand you will do so, while others aren't worth worrying about. You discussed how queerness means eliminating hierarchy and living authentically (If we build it they will see us). Later that evening, the conversation "Spiritual Transformation Journey" introduced the concept of "Seven sermons to the dead," highlighting the significance of transformation through decay and regeneration (Spiritual Transformation Journey). This theme continued in "7 Kame - Better living through geometry," where you discussed the Day of the Dead in Maya calendar and your ability to communicate through symbols. You shared personal experiences about unresolved conversations with your father and how these shaped your emotional responses (7 Kame - Better living through geometry).

Academic Opportunities (June 23)

The conversation shifted dramatically on June 23 with "PhD postdoc opps sesh," which focused on practical academic matters. This session covered fellowship opportunities, application strategies, and success rates for PhD projects. A speaker named Jill provided detailed information about various fellowships, including European and British Academy options, emphasizing the importance of aligning research with funding priorities (PhD postdoc opps sesh).

Key Themes Across Conversations

Authenticity vs. Performance: You consistently wrestled with the balance between authentic self-expression and societal expectations.
Transformation and Rebirth: Imagery of death, decay, and regeneration appeared throughout as metaphors for personal growth.
Community and Belonging: You emphasized creating spaces where people can be seen and acknowledged, particularly for marginalized groups.
Intergenerational Trauma: Personal anecdotes revealed how family dynamics shaped your emotional responses and relationships.
Practical vs. Spiritual: The stark contrast between spiritual explorations on June 21 and academic planning on June 23 highlights different facets of your interests.

The conversations reveal your multifaceted nature - someone deeply engaged with spiritual and philosophical questions while also navigating practical academic and professional considerations.

Holly Regan

I’m a queer, non-binary writer and editor from Seattle who lives for independent food and drink, craft beer, travel, art, the written word, spiritual exploration, cycling and running. “Praise Seitan! Food, Drink, Art & Travel From the Heart of Seattle” is where I share vegetarian recipes; dining and drinking experiences; tales of my travels around the world; personal stories of healing, spiritual evolution and gender journeying; and observations about life and culture.

Read my freelance journalism, or hire me for an assignment.

http://www.praiseseitan.com

Thinky stuff + feely stuff / 12 B’atz + Trecena of the Divine Dead Transition

Summary and Analysis of Conversations: June 13-22, 2025

Overview

Spiritual Journey and Transformation

Grief and Loss

Personal Mythology and Identity

Community and Belonging

Creative Expression

Future Directions

Summary and Analysis of Conversations (June 21-23, 2025)

Spiritual Exploration and Identity (June 21)

Academic Opportunities (June 23)

Key Themes Across Conversations

Instagram / Twitter / Email

Newsletter / Resume

Thinky stuff + feely stuff / 12 B’atz + Trecena of the Divine Dead Transition

Summary and Analysis of Conversations: June 13-22, 2025

Overview

Spiritual Journey and Transformation

Grief and Loss

Personal Mythology and Identity

Community and Belonging

Creative Expression

Future Directions

Summary and Analysis of Conversations (June 21-23, 2025)

Spiritual Exploration and Identity (June 21)

Academic Opportunities (June 23)

Key Themes Across Conversations

The Language of Images / Walking Bill’s Soul Through the Bardo

Instagram﻿ / Twitter / Email

Newsletter / Resume

Instagram / Twitter / Email