Too much/not enough kids, parte deux - nervous system overwhelm
Too much/not enough kids are the children of narcissists and codependents
we can never break the gaze
so we never learn to self-regulate, depending on others for our emotional states
the all-punishing eye of the father, never good enough, be better
the all-needing plea of the mother, you’re my world kid, please complete me
it’s all too much for a kid
when you’re still trying to gestate, you have to learn to regulate,
but humans who are still cooking depend on others for our emotional states
they have to give our power back to us
so we learn to be separate
to individuate.
when we can’t break the gaze, whether it’s because we’re their world or we’re a piece of shit,
the reaction is the same, the feeling in the body is activation,
nervous system overwhelm,
full alert, red alarm,
so we have to shut the whole thing down.
we do it by dissociating, leaving our bodies, whether it’s through too much or not enough of something.
overindulging, binging and purging, addiction and consumption,
and/or isolation, restriction, withdrawing.
we only learn extremes, but life is the in-between,
and all systems tend toward balance,
but until we learn to cultivate that within ourselves the system pitches back and forth, threatening to capsize us.
drowning, grasping, clinging,
riptides and sinking sands.
Orpheus sent Eurydice to hell with a gaze,
he couldn’t look away.
Demeter couldn’t let Persephone be free, she wanted her to stay a goddess in infinite bliss,
but life lies in the contrast, and the kid wanted to experience this,
so Persephone wasn’t abducted, she chose to run away and marry Hades,
because at least hell felt more real than Mount Olympus.
But the individuation journey was in mother and child searching
and finding the compromise between extremes,
the seasons.
Don’t turn around too soon,
but see me, hear me, pay attention
to what I’m actually saying
to what’s actually happening in my nervous system.
learn what a yes and a no feels like.
attunement, attachment, attention,
the queer way, the third way, ADD and queer and trans identity,
growing up and becoming a separate person, planet, society,
it’s all the same thing. individuation: separating to become whole again.
In this conversation, the AI bot didn’t identify me. AI Summary:
The conversation explores the myth of Orpheus and Eurydice through the lens of individuation, emphasizing the paradox of the human desire to be seen versus the need to break the gaze. Eurydice's descent into hell is seen as a quest for authentic experience, while Orpheus's attempt to save her symbolizes the struggle to maintain individuality within societal expectations. The discussion highlights the importance of balance in human relationships and the journey of self-discovery, suggesting that ancient myths like these represent universal themes of individuation and the search for a deeper connection with the cosmos.
The conversation explores the myth of Orpheus and Eurydice through the lens of individuation, emphasizing the paradox of the human desire to be seen versus the need to break the gaze. Eurydice's descent into hell is seen as a quest for authentic experience, while Orpheus's attempt to save her symbolizes the struggle to maintain individuality within societal expectations. The discussion highlights the importance of balance in human relationships and the journey of self-discovery, suggesting that ancient myths like these represent universal themes of individuation and the search for a deeper connection with the cosmos.
Orpheus and Eurydice: The Journey of Individuation
Speaker 1 introduces the myth of Orpheus and Eurydice, emphasizing the significance of the gaze in their story.
The concept of individuation is discussed, highlighting the paradox of wanting to be seen while needing to break the gaze.
The speaker explores the idea that being stared at can send one to hell, symbolizing the struggle for individuality.
The balance between seeking connection and maintaining boundaries is highlighted as a universal human experience.
Eurydice's Journey and the Realm of Hell
An unknown speaker elaborates on Eurydice's quest for direct experience and her somatic participation in the cosmos.
The symbolism of Eurydice being bitten by a snake is discussed, representing the need to stay awake and avoid exile.
Speaker 1 reflects on Eurydice's death and descent into hell, questioning whether she truly needs saving.
The speaker points out that Orpheus' mistrust and premature look back are what send Eurydice back to the underworld.
Rewriting Myths and the Journey of Individuation
Speaker 1 discusses the importance of reinterpreting myths like Orpheus and Eurydice to understand the journey of individuation.
The speaker mentions other myths, such as Demeter and Persephone, and their relevance to the concept of individuation.
The idea that maidens choose to be in places where things feel more real is explored, contrasting with the middle world of wives and mistresses.
The speaker reflects on the historical context of being priestesses, shamans, and pagans, and how these roles were replaced by religion and patriarchal structures.
The bot does not identify me. AI Summary:
In the conversation, Speaker 1 grapples with the psychological impacts of growing up with both a narcissistic and co-dependent parent. They explore themes of intense dependency, boundary violation, and the resulting nervous system overwhelm. Through vivid metaphors and references to mythological and artistic influences (such as the succubus, Monet, and Shakespeare), Speaker 1 articulates the struggle to maintain individuality amidst the chaos of their family dynamic. They touch on the desire for self-regulation and the longing for authentic connection, ultimately finding solace in nature and creativity. Despite the pain, they acknowledge the transformative potential within the chaos, embracing the notion of being a 'power bottom,' suggesting a form of empowerment in vulnerability and submission.
Speaker 1 discusses the dual roles of narcissists and codependents, highlighting how each affects individuals differently.
The speaker describes the overwhelming presence of narcissistic behavior, such as constant attention-seeking and manipulation.
Codependency is portrayed as an invasive force that prevents personal growth and autonomy.
The speaker reflects on the lack of personal space and time due to the suffocating influence of these relationships.
The Impact of Invasion on Personal Identity
Speaker 1 elaborates on how narcissists and codependents invade one's identity, leaving individuals feeling drained and controlled.
The speaker compares this experience to the biblical story of Lot's wife, emphasizing the transformative and destructive aspects of such invasions.
The concept of "Succubus" is introduced to describe the draining effect of these relationships on one's energy and spirit.
The speaker expresses frustration with the lack of personal space and the continuous demand for attention from these individuals.
The Role of Attachment and Emotional Regulation
Speaker 1 explores the importance of proper attunement and emotional regulation in healthy development.
The speaker acknowledges the failure to learn these skills due to reliance on others for emotional stability.
The impact of this reliance is described as leading to a lack of self-awareness and difficulty in managing one's own emotions.
The speaker mentions the role of external factors, such as abuse and neglect, in further complicating emotional regulation.
The Concept of "Kimbo Garden Land"
Speaker 1 introduces the term "Kimbo Garden Land," describing it as a chaotic and overwhelming environment.
This concept represents the confusion and blurred boundaries experienced due to poor emotional regulation.
The speaker explains how this environment leads to a loss of self-awareness and difficulty in distinguishing internal sensations.
The idea of "Garden Land" is linked to the Ayahuasca ceremony, symbolizing a disorienting and challenging journey towards healing.
[[okay this is getting weirder and cooler. I am interacting with the bot and training it how to use my pronouns, thanking it for its service, etc. it now identifies me as they/them but doesn't name me as Holly which is cool in itself since that is not how I am primarily identifying these days. But it actually just also made a huge connection for me... I have been calling this "nonsense realm" I enter into during ayahuasca journeys "Kimbogartenland" because that's how I translated it. But the AI called it in the transcript "Garden Land." as in Garden of Eden. The womb.]]
The Importance of Self-Regulation and Boundaries
Speaker 1 emphasizes the necessity of learning self-regulation to avoid being consumed by others' needs.
The speaker reflects on the challenges faced in setting boundaries and maintaining personal space.
The impact of these struggles is described as leading to a perpetual state of nervous system overwhelm.
The speaker highlights the importance of recognizing and addressing these issues to achieve emotional stability.
The Role of Nature and Connection in Healing
Speaker 1 discusses the therapeutic effects of nature and connection with the natural world.
The speaker shares experiences of finding solace in the forest and connecting with the larger ecosystem.
These connections are seen as crucial for personal growth and healing from childhood traumas.
The speaker expresses gratitude for the supportive role played by significant figures in fostering these connections.
The Complexity of Parent-Child Relationships
Speaker 1 delves into the intricate dynamics of parent-child relationships, particularly the struggle for independence.
The speaker reflects on the pressure to conform to societal expectations and the challenge of balancing dependence and independence.
The impact of these pressures on personal development is discussed, including the difficulty in establishing one's identity.
The speaker acknowledges the complexity of these relationships and the ongoing process of navigating them.
The Power of Art and Expression in Therapy
Speaker 1 explores the use of art and expression as tools for therapy and self-discovery.
The speaker discusses the creation of a play that aims to depict the complexities of these relationships and personal journeys.
The play is designed to reflect the emotional turmoil and the search for balance and healing.
The speaker emphasizes the importance of sharing these experiences to foster understanding and support among audiences.
The Journey Towards Empathy and Understanding
Speaker 1 reflects on the journey towards empathizing with oneself and others. The speaker acknowledges the pain and challenges faced along this path but also celebrates small victories and insights gained.
The importance of compassion and understanding in breaking cycles of trauma and abuse is highlighted.
The speaker expresses hope for future generations to benefit from the lessons learned and the progress achieved.
The Resilience and Strength of Survivors
Speaker 1 concludes by acknowledging the resilience and strength of survivors of toxic relationships.
The speaker emphasizes the power of reclaiming control and finding joy despite adversity.
The importance of community and support in healing is underscored.
The speaker encourages others to continue their journey towards healing and self-discovery, drawing inspiration from their own experiences.
Play Directions:
So the play shows this through the myths being rewritten on the astral stage - and the kid, parent, lovers on the material stage
we show Sherwood Stroll turning into Kimbogartenland when Fiona’s mom won’t look away from her - Fiona recreating Sherwood Stroll with Sebastian, then turning it upside down with their descent into Kimbogartenland again through drunkenness - slipping into this and it becoming madness with Axel, the descent into hell
we keep showing the descent into the nonsense realm, flashing lights, pulsing sound, swirling neon, dancers ecstatic and maniacal running all over, and we don’t explain what’s happening until we get to the Aya retreat, second ceremony - then Gabor Maté comes in and explains - this is a preverbal childhood state where the kid never learned to self-regulate, so they only know how to get their attunement from others, otherwise everything feels like a fire alarm all the time because the nervous system is hyperaroused and can’t shut down . we see parts of self fracture off, you have to dissociate to protect yourself, and they stay hidden in shadow realms > Jung comes out, but they’re lurking there and will come out when you least expect it and you’ll wonder what happened
> parallels to the queer club, the pride parachute: THIS IS SO MUCH FUN!!!!!
The peace finally comes after the ceremony when Fiona is meditating and the upside down world comes in and they just scream STOP!!! and then all goes quiet, and we get a little East Forest music and then just the forest sounds and then just quiet
this is why the remix is Rose putting their hands back onto their own chest when Fiona reaches out and telling them: Stay in your power.
the maidens don’t need to be saved, they save themselves
