I’m lonely
Entering the Maya solar year of the ancestors (13) and communication/divine breath (Iq’) in the Trans* trecena (Aq’ab’al) / Mom stuff
“I’m lonely.”
Two little words that make all the difference when spoken.
The blessing and the curse of doing the work is that you gain the ability to become your own observer, and you may start seeing some things that don’t look too pretty.
But it’s okay. That’s the beginning.
When I finally left my abusive marriage, I was a shell of a person. I had to start over from nothing, with nothing, bringing not even myself along, because I had vacated this space so long ago. It’s the only way to keep going when you’re caught in the cycle of self-gaslighting: to quote a play I saw at the Camden Fringe Festival last summer, “ever dissociate so hard that you feel like a character in the most shit video game ever?” I don’t say that for sympathy, just to describe how empty I was, and all too ready to receive. It made me prime for absorption by a spiritual teacher who, for the first few years, totally helped me change my life for the better; she literally helped me save it, as I was headed off a cliff. I will always be grateful for the things she taught me, practices and mantras I still draw from daily. I needed that grounding and guidance and perhaps most importantly, she helped me re-open the spiritual dimension, the connection I had as a little kid who loved Jesus so much that I used to dress up like him.
But it also primed me for grooming, and while I don’t actually think she knew she was doing it, she was fostering a dependence that in retrospect is super scary, while at the time I was totally blind to it. At first I just used her practices as guidance; soon I came to rely on her ceremonies as an anchor, and started working with her more and more frequently 1:1. Eventually, I got to the point where I couldn’t make any major decision without consulting her, and the more desperate I got, the more she kept me at a distance, which in turn fueled my anxiety; I’m sure some part of her liked the power, especially when she started charging me $15/minute just to talk on the phone with her, and I obliged during the increasing moments I found myself in crisis. It became an addiction just like the relationships, the dopamine hit of outsourcing my will to something external.
I hate to admit it, but it was recently reflected to me that this is a pattern that has to some degree continued. However! Healing is a spiral, so this time I’ve been aware of this tendency, and have been checking it constantly. I recently did another rotation with it, getting so lost in the preparations of things, the consultation of oracles and divination tools, the planning and strategizing and setting up the scenarios that I never actually reach the execution phase, and whatever it is becomes yet another thing half=finished, a territory uncharted, all these great ideas with so much promise, never launched, all my kids dying suddenly in their cribs.
Weird — I had that period for a while where I got morbidly preoccupied and terrified by the concept of SIDS at one point in my 20s, even though I never wanted children. Must have been a premonition.
Today, however, I emerged from the chrysalis of the Maya new year and a major phase of the IFS and meditation course I’ve been doing, coming out of a portal where I spent two days channeling intensely and studying with Kit, my advisor not in a body who has been very generous with zir time and energy, and I reached a new level of breakthrough, peeled off another layer of the onion skin, choose your metaphor—that combined with finally finding the teacher and mentor in ancient Irish pagan traditions that I’ve been searching for, and hearing her story that confirms all the pieces of the Immortality Key story that I set off in search of five years ago when I left it all behind and embarked upon this nomadic voyage, the Magical Mystery Tour of discovery, I’m finally ready to start sharing.
I’m calling in trans* emergence, starting with climbing out of my own coccoon, getting out of the tunnel vision lined with my own shit, realizing I am the obstacle, but the good news is, that means I’m also the way.
If you go far enough into yourself, you emerge on the other side, in the unity of everything.
It’s time to come out of hibernation, and I’m taking the first steps, making plans with queer community; reaching out to friends and telling them vulnerably where I’m at and how my heart is and sharing that I really do want to spend time with them, I’ve just been trying to overly control the situation.
I have a plan, and it can be broken. I have a vision for an exhibition and I see it clearly.
I’m ready to become ready to share my life again.
Cord-Cutting Ceremony
Riordan Regan reflects on his journey of healing from codependency, acknowledging the influence of his former mentor Christine while emphasizing the need to move on. He discusses the importance of self-reliance, community, and the principles of radical self-reliance, particularly in the context of Burning Man. Riordan plans to cut ties with past dependencies, including financial reliance on his mother, and seeks to fund his Burning Man experience independently. He also addresses the symbolic act of cutting cords with past relationships and mentors, signifying personal growth and empowerment.
Action Items
Manifest a grant opportunity and fill out the application.
Cut the cord with Christine, Stephen, Mark, and the story of relying on mother's money.
Get different shoes that fit and use own money.
Outline
Letting go of a teacher who helped with codependency, despite still using their techniques and practices.
Unknown Speaker reflects on past experiences with codependency and spiritual practices, still feeling connected to a former teacher despite recognizing her unhealthiness.
Identity, gender, and community.
Unknown Speaker reflects on identity, emergence, and communication.
Self-reliance, community, and inclusivity at Burning Man.
The speaker emphasizes the importance of self-reliance and radical self-reliance in their personal journey of trans emergence.
The speaker seeks to find a grant to fund their experiment in trans living, which involves radically inclusive and self-reliant community building.
Building something from nothing, manifesting a grant opportunity, and ending reliance on others.
Unknown Speaker documents creation of a world that lasts one week, ending reliance on others for help.
Awakening, self-reliance, and cutting ties with the past.
Unknown Speaker discusses cutting ties with Christine and radical self-reliance.
Unknown Speaker enjoys a special cup of cacao, mentions nose congestion, and talks about breaking paradigms.
Cutting ties and empowerment with symbolic scissors and threads.
The speaker acknowledges the help they received from the medicine and the person who provided it, but also expresses gratitude for the lessons learned and the growth experienced.
The speaker cuts the cord with partners they felt they needed to save them, marking a new chapter of self-reliance and personal growth.
Maya New Year: Jodorowsky Tarot Reading and Trans Emergence Exploration
Riordan Regan discusses his journey of self-discovery and the concept of "trans emergence," which involves balancing the material and spiritual. He draws parallels between personal and societal cycles of extremes, such as rationalism and mysticism, and emphasizes the importance of androgyny and the middle path. Riordan plans to explore ancient Irish traditions, particularly through a shamanic training with Deirdre, and aims to create an immersive art installation called the Observatory. He also contemplates applying for Irish citizenship and grants to fund his project, which will feature elements of his personal story and the themes of presence and absence.
Action Items
Reach out to Ladybug at the Theosophical monastery to discuss working with Huachuma.
Apply for Irish citizenship and pursue grant/residency opportunities in Berlin.
Collaborate with Danielle on an interactive game element for the "Observatory" exhibit.
Go through personal notebooks to select materials for the "Observatory" exhibit.
Outline
Eight of Pentacles and Trans Emergence
Riordan Regan discusses the significance of the Eight of Pentacles, emphasizing its symbolism of perfection and balance between the material and spiritual.
He relates the concept of trans emergence to the balance between extremes, such as rationalism and mysticism, and how society has oscillated between these extremes.
Riordan explains that trans emergence involves recognizing that there are always multiple perspectives, using nature as an example of diverse genders and civilizations.
He shares his personal journey of seeking ancient Irish traditions and the importance of oral history in understanding these traditions.
Discovering Ancient Irish Traditions
Riordan talks about his search for an Irish shamanic teacher, Deirdre, and the significance of learning on the land.
He reflects on the historical inaccuracies in recorded Irish history and the need to go back to pre-Celtic roots.
Riordan mentions his plans to apply for funding from a foundation interested in the immortality key to support his art project.
He expresses excitement about his discovery of ancient Irish traditions and the potential for grant funding to support his work.
Personal Challenges and Spiritual Journey
Riordan recounts his personal challenges, including leaving Seattle, dealing with the death of a close friend, and breaking up with a co-dependent relationship.
He describes his spiritual journey and the importance of returning to Ireland, which he believes holds the key to his personal and creative growth. (<= ah - this is the problematic pattern Caz pointed out - thinking you’ve always just found the missing piece that will complete you)
Riordan shares his vision of obtaining an EU passport and the potential benefits it could bring to his artistic and personal life.
He emphasizes the importance of decisiveness and the universe favoring those who make clear choices.
The Observatory Exhibit and Trans Emergence
Riordan outlines his plans for an immersive art installation called the Observatory, which will explore themes of abandonment, trans/queer identity, and presence and absence, using his personal journey as a framework, at the Bidston Observatory in Liverpool.
He explains how the exhibit will feature elements of his personal journey, including spoken word recordings and unfinished sketches.
Riordan discusses the significance of the Nine of Wands and the Knight of Pentacles in his tarot readings, symbolizing androgyny and the balance between solitude and community.
He describes the exhibit as a representation of the transition from one way of being to another, similar to the Age of Aquarius.
The Role of Observation and Technology
Riordan reflects on the importance of observation in trauma healing and awakening, using the human body as a key tool for understanding the world.
He discusses the role of AI in processing vast amounts of information and the need for humans to develop their observational skills.
Riordan shares his vision of a future where humans and AI work together to observe and understand the world.
He emphasizes the importance of building altars to bring the spiritual into the material and the significance of his studies in anthropology and art.
The Mycorrhizal Relationship and Society
Riordan uses the concept of mycorrhizal relationships between trees and fungi to illustrate the interconnectedness of all things.
He warns against pretending that we exist independently, as this leads to societal issues.
Riordan discusses the need for observation before it's too late and the importance of learning from ancient ways.
The Immortality Key and Personal Identity
Riordan talks about The Immortality Key and its connection to his personal journey of discovering his trans identity.
He shares his plans to apply for citizenship in Ireland and funding opportunities in Berlin, highlighting the importance of making decisions that allow for multiple paths.
Riordan reflects on the significance of the Maya calendar and the importance of going back to pre-recorded language traditions.
He emphasizes the need to rehabilitate the feeling function and the importance of somaticism in understanding the world.
The Role of Art and Creativity
Riordan discusses the role of art in exploring and documenting personal and societal transitions.
Riordan reflects on the importance of sharing stories and experiences to help others relate to and understand trans emergence.
He outlines his plans for the exhibit, including interactive elements and the use of various media to convey his message.
The Importance of Community and Sharing
Riordan emphasizes the importance of community and sharing in the Age of Aquarius.
He discusses the need to reconnect with ancient ways of living and sharing before recorded language.
Riordan reflects on the significance of the human body as a tool for observation and the role of AI in processing information.
The Future of Trans Emergence
Riordan discusses the future of trans emergence and the importance of balancing the material and spiritual.
He reflects on the significance of the Nine of Wands and the Knight of Pentacles in his tarot readings, symbolizing androgyny and the balance between solitude and community.
He emphasizes the importance of making decisions that allow for multiple paths and the need to reconnect with ancient ways of living and sharing.
Listen/Transcript:
So my reading from the portal started with the Eight of Pentacles. The eight the number of perfection, wholeness, completion. That's the number in the Maya calendar, the day of ceremony, honoring that which is holy.
Jodorowsky calls the eight the preeminent symbol of perfection and matter in mind, reflected in the archetypes of justice, which I drew in the archetypes deck yesterday, which is cool as shit, a maternal archetype responsible for the rule of law. Her motto could be the only freedom is obedience, the greatest obedience being to become yourself and allow the cosmic laws to take action in your mind and material life. I It's balanced by the moon. The other end, pure receptivity, dreamy, watery contemplation, with the drawing to itself to reflect the solar light, the solar truth, the it, but one you can look at directly, as opposed to staring at the sun, which blinds the and so the eight of pentacles is very much About this balancing the matter in the mystical the spiritual and the material, which is the purpose of my whole life. If you look at my north node, which is also the purpose of trans emergence, really, I keep coming back to this concept. I really think there's something in this, and I know it's not a new idea, but I think the thing that's new about it is really like embodying it on a planetary scale, like we've never done that before. My story is correspondence for the human story, just like probably everyone's, well, everyone's is, but the aspect of mine that is, is that I ping pong between extremes, and so does humanity. And this is what we've done over and over again. We've gone between extreme rationalism and extreme mysticism, like religious zealots, Nash right wing nationalism and and Then ping ponging back to romanticism and, yeah, the enlightenment and the awakening, like religious fervor versus scientific rationalism. We've gone back and forth between these two extremes, but they're both extremes, and they're both actually the same thing, which is the same as our right left politics. They're the same fucking thing. And this is trans emergence. And I'm looking at a picture of a unicorn while I say this, that's on the wall. This is trans emergence, is that there's not just two things. There's always a third one, and probably like a million other ones. And how do we know this? We look at nature which is queer as fuck. There's one mushroom that has 23,000 genders, but they wouldn't even use that language. And if we even look at our own civilizations and look at people going back to before recorded language, like the fucking Irish that I have known this whole time I've known there was a mystic legacy that mapped onto the psychedelic pines story that I left home to find five years ago, which is the energy We're back in this year in the Maya calendar. I
I left home in search of a truth, which is that the roots of all religion were a psychedelic tradition where we shared a consciousness, altering substance with each other and the dead, and we all transcended the spiritual went into the material, and the material went into the spiritual, and the boundaries between all the worlds dissolved, and we used To have neurotransmitters that worked on DMT instead of serotonin, and this allowed us to live in the night world more of the time. We didn't have to sleep like almost at all. And Matias de Stefano just talked about this. And I know he probably sounds like a freaking wacko that academics would hate and say was crazy, but he says he remembers all his past lives, and there's fucking yogis who say the same thing. And this is what Deirdre was talking about yesterday, the person who I'm going to embark on this Irish shamanic training with, because I finally found her. I finally found my teacher. Like I'm gonna cry with joy and gratitude. I've been searching for someone who could teach me the ancient Irish ways, and I knew they were out there, but the problem is that none of them were recorded. It's an oral tradition, and everything with Irish history begins at the Celts, but that's after the freaking Anatolians came in. That's not even like Irish and like druid isn't even, like, really Irish paganism, like, not the kind I'm looking for, not the like, down and dirty shit. And Deirdre knows all about it, and she told me the whole story yesterday, and it maps completely to Brian muraresco story, to the point where I almost wrote him and was like, Dude, I just found the missing piece. But I don't know if I want to give away my findings to him, so I'm going to talk to Roy and Michael about that today, because, like, on the one hand, he's got resources and tons of money, but like, I also don't want to risk a bunch of like, dudes taking my ideas. So, um, but his foundation that contributes to arts projects based on the immortality key, I think that could be a fucking ticket for some grant funding, because if I just don't tell him what I found about the Irish right now and I say I'm writing a play and creating an immersive art installation that partially documents my journey of following the trail of the immortality immortality key, and showing how it maps to my own Discovery of my own trans identity through psychedelics and spirituality and reconnecting to this ancient tradition and reconnecting to my Irish pagan roots. Dude, I think I'd get the funding, but I don't know how much it is. I don't think it's very much, but like, that's something I'm gonna look into, and there's gotta be other stuff. So, um, oh, now I lost my train of thought.
Oh, got me on that tangent. Anyways, I don't know, but that was super exciting to discover. I knew it was out there. Oh, the Anatolian stuff, yeah. So
like, quote, unquote, history begins with the Anatolian invasion, but that's when everything fucking changed. And when everyone thinks about the Irish, they think about the Celts, but, like, that's not our roots. So I'm gonna go there and find out for myself, and I'm gonna train with her one on one, because she was like, honestly, to know the stuff, you have to be on the land. And I was like, I was going to say that to you before you even said it. Like, the ancestors told me that very specifically in the portal, they were like, you're not going to understand it until you put your feet on the soil. And that's why my bones have been saying I need to go home, not so I can get stuck there forever. And that's been the fear, too, as my voice gets all weird, because that was how Seattle was. It was like every time I went back, it turned into fucking quicksand, and it sucked me in and I couldn't leave. And that was 2021 the energy that we're in again, because time is a cycle. It sucked me in, and I couldn't get out, and it was so hard for me to leave, but I did it, spiritual emergency. I hear the siren in the distance. I delayed my departure over and over, but I finally left. My friend's mom revealed that she had secretly had cancer for two years right before I was going to go with all over her body, she died suddenly and horribly, and she was like a mom to me. And then my actual mom said that she wanted me to go, but she was psychically clinging so hard I couldn't get out. And then meanwhile, my spiritual mom, Christine, who I'd become completely co dependent with, dumped me right at the time I needed her most, and dumped Lance right when Janet was dying. It's a fucking mess. I can't believe I got out at all. And it was also just right after COVID. It was right when everything was opening up. And I went to Greece, because it was, like the only place that I could go because I wasn't vaccinated yet. And where I ended up, finally working through my medical trauma and getting to the point where I wasn't scared to get the vaccine anymore, was in fucking Ireland. And so my COVID CERT is from Ireland, and Ireland is the ticket, and I received that in a transmission right before I left London this last time, Ireland is the door that swings both ways. It's an EU passport that's also the UK common area. Like I can get everything I want if I can get a passport through them. And I've had this feeling, and whenever I follow the feeling, it's fucking right, it does not fail me. And I have a feeling that if I just go there and tell someone my story, that they'll just give me citizenship. It happened to Caz in Columbia. I think they'll do it, or at least they'll tell me some way that I can do it. So I'm going to go there this summer, and I'm going to try. And that's the plan, and the universe favors decisiveness. My psyche just needs me to decide something. So that's what I'm doing. There's lots of opportunities in Berlin. I'm going to keep applying for funding, like I just need a fucking EU passport. It doesn't mean I have to live in that place forever. So this is what I'm doing. Yay. This all came from though, that trans emergence is the bringing the material into the spiritual and the spiritual into the material. And this sounds like it's not a new idea, but it actually is, because we've Ping ponged back and forth as a society, just like I have in my personal life, of like clinging desperately and flying in the wind with no planned at all, and like there's always a Middle Path, but we've, we haven't embodied both at once since we were these early, like proto people. Oh, yeah. Mattia sistefano, he talked about a race of people that only had to sleep for like two hours a night because they were from a different planetary system that had, like, a different moon, and so they had different cycle, diurnal cycles. And so if we were more recently descended from some people whose rhythms and frequencies were based on correspondence with other planets, then, yeah, we wouldn't need to sleep as much, it's actually science. And having a different operating system, essentially a different model for reality that relied on DMT instead of serotonin, would give us the framework for negotiating that world, and the reason why we go into psychedelic experience, and it often feels really familiar, but we don't know why is that's why it's in our ancestral memory. It's in our DNA, our bones remember.
And so the observatory exhibit is about observing the transition from one way of being to another one. And this is why it's going to look like mist or Atlantis or King's Quest, the ruins of some recently abandoned civilization as we leave one world and enter another one the age aquarium. Like our material, our matter, our bodies, might vanish from this dimension
and be spirited away into some other plane of existence, and we might just leave ruins behind us, like all these other ancient civilizations, for some other race of people to come in and scratch their heads over
so the observatory is a whole exhibit of abandoned places, empty only leaving traces ghostly hauntology, as kit spoke of.
But whereas kit's performances were documenting the bodies, transmitting things, this exhibit, I will do performances that are all involving humans, but this exhibit is about the presence of absence, a big theme in my writing, the holy longing. It's about the thing that's not there, but your soul knows it is. And this is something everyone can relate to, and this is like the entry point that is needed for people who aren't trans to understand, because it's even greater for us, where it's like we don't even have a framework for what it means to like.
Everyone else has a gender prescription that they follow and like. Ours is based on absence. Ours is based on breaking things down. Our just based on shattering. I mean, trans emergence in general is about breaking down what has been, and we don't know where we're going, but it's about the abandoned civilization. It's about the ruins we leave behind, but the clues that are inherently embedded in all of it, and that's how we build a new identity, and that's how we build a new world. We take the things that have worked before and we bring them along. What are we building? We don't fucking know. What's the answer? We don't fucking know, but we know it's made of these pieces of stuff that worked before. This is what we're observing in the exhibit. Is the fragments, memories, dreams, reflections, little bits of stuff that resonated from my own life, and the way that corresponds with larger trends in mysticism, psychedelia and science, because all those things didn't used to be separate. And I mean, nature is the biggest thing, and that's why the observatory would have to be Vincent. That's why the observatory is in the forest, because if you want to know the answer, just look out the fucking window.
So the nine I next drew the nine of wands,
and like one of these clues about the way forward is that everything in spirituality, Jodorowsky breaks it all down in this book is that it's all about androgyny, Mighty hermaphrodite, the
nine is both active and receptive, an androgynous number in the stage of crisis. Page 303. Of course, that's so funny. The nine heralds a change that will lead the end of a cycle. It's illustrated by the hermit in the sun. Oh, my God, that's what I was literally talking about in my practice this morning that like, let me find the balance between retreating for protection and reflection and like not fearing the day breaking and going out and sharing what I found with the village when it's appropriate, instead of ping ponging between this like screaming at everyone desperately like to listen to me like a psychopath, and then retreating into total isolation and not telling anybody anything. Middle Path, the new consciousness is casting its light, pushing individuals to a new construction, the hermit and the sun, Jodorowsky says, are both similar and opposite, similar because they mark the end of one life and the beginning of a new era. And I pose because the hermit, the hermit finds realization in solitude, while the sun creates a relationship of mutual aid and loving union, and that is what the Age of Aquarius is all about. Is coming together, returning to our coming together and making something new by returning to our roots of poly everything, and living in community and fucking sharing things again, just like you learned when you were a kid, like, fucking share, but also like, it's okay to have individuality and protect your own shit, and that the way into the collective is through first finding your individualness. You
the hermit in the esoteric tradition, Jodorowsky calls a miser. With his wisdom, he hid his light, keeping his knowledge only for the chosen ones. That's not the way to move forward. So I drew the nine of ones, the expansive, creative path becoming more concentrated between life and death. Its attitude could be summed up with this motto, win or die. Well, shit, the warrior, uncompromising, freed of desire. Make no concessions. Be yourself. Act as you must, but be responsible. That's good advice. So the last card I drew in the marsite Tarot was the Knight of I think that's a one. No, that's a pentacle. Of course it is. I draw the knight of pentacles all the time. The knight of pentacles is the androgynous one. Is the hermaphrodite one. I mean, they kind of all are, but wait, is it the night? Yeah, Chevalier, they're in French. Um Knight, of Pentacles in the deck of a lot of transness. That's like the most trans one. So of course, on the first day of the trans Tricera, beginning in the Maya calendar acabal, I would draw the knight of pentacles, the Knights. Oh, that's really cool. So I drew eight nine Knight at random from the deck, and he says, jodoresky says the Knights are positioned between level eight and nine and are carrying the dynamic of the 10. That's fucking cool. It represents the suit attaining perfection.
To keep growing, we must enter the crisis of the nine, the letting go that will permit the suit to transmute into something else. I mean, that's fucking transness, right there. I
He leaps out of the suit in which he belongs to close the cycle. The danger is staying in the crisis forever. Oh, my God. And that's trauma healing, getting trapped in the moment of crisis forever. And that's where I've been. But I had a breakthrough yesterday and over the weekend when I cut the cords with Christine and my mom and my partners. I'm sure it's not over, but I certainly feel the lightness of being today. Yeah, this is the most trans card. Jodorowsky page, 336, of course, there are always threes. I do not know if I am a man or a woman. I am a hermaphrodite who walks over a ground in which no treasure is buried, terrestrial and celestial. The dual pentacle of the page, and the king of my suit has become a single star floating in space. Matter has been spiritualized. Oh my god. It has become fertile and is the mother of eternal life. I am like the flesh of the Virgin Mary, which, at the end of her process, becomes immortal, rises to reign at the center of the universe. This is my destiny. My Mare is not as gentle as that of the night of cups. She advances with measured, but sure, precise steps. She represents my health. She goes neither too fast or too slow, walking at the rhythm that corresponds to her present. The infinite peace stems from the fact that we have vanquished death. I am ready to undergo endless changes, knowing that within my profound essence there is an immutable core. This is what will give origin to the new riches of earth that will take on concrete form in the wand I am already carrying in my right hand, the beginning of a new cycle of activity, of creativity. So there we go and the exhibit of the observatory will include, like some of these cards laid out in a spread. It will include, like a talk boy and like some of these old tape recorders where people can press play and hear me do some spoken word, where there'll be a computer where they can scroll through the otter analysis and they can read the summary. They can listen to something. They can read the transcript, you know, they can, like, digest it in whatever form they want to.
There will be sketchbooks flipped open to certain drawings that and like, there'll be a printout of the email next to it from like the print shop saying they look unfinished. And it's like, that's the point. And
then there will be something from the Monet exhibit, where I took a picture of it, saying that he got so upset by the criticism that said his paintings looked unfinished. And this is what made me not go to art school when I was a kid. Was my dad saying that I had to make things look more realistic. And I was like, but it feels more like like we had this conversation. I was like, it feels more like the person the way I've drawn it. And he was like, but it doesn't look like it. Look at it. And he would measure it, and he would draw it on a grid and be like, Look, the proportions are off. It was always the fucking proportions, which is funny, the divine proportions. And I was like, I don't care. It feels like them, so I want to leave it. And I would leave things. And if I would ever try to change them, I would erase so many times that I would erase holes in the paper, and then I would ruin the whole drawing. And so I ended up quitting all of it.
And this is something I think a lot of people can relate to, and so I can share stories like this in the exhibit. But also then there's like, gonna be a whole part where they go into, like my bedroom area, and then it shows, like the trans journey. And it's like me trying to
do this with my body, and people being like, this is what your body's supposed to look like, and this is how you're supposed to dress. And like the culture being like, this is what a woman looks like. This is what a man looks like, and me being like, but I'm not either of those things, and it's the process of stripping away the presence of absence. I don't know what it is, but I know it's not this. That's the spiritual journey, that's the trans journey, that's the transition out of the Age of Pisces and fucking organized religion into the Age of Aquarius. And like, we don't know, but it's not this. But actually, there is a framework, because time is a cycle. You have to just go all the way back. You have to just go far enough back. And this is how the Irish paganism connects. And this is why I've been searching for my origins. Like I was wondering for a while, is this just a Wounded Child part that, like, still wants my dad to like, think my drawings are good and like, love me. And is that the only reason I'm trying to like, live in Ireland? And should I stop doing that and then realizing, no, there's actually a great truth in this that my bones have been searching for, which is that part of the fucking story was missing, and it's because you just have to go further back to before there was writing. And this is why writing has felt like a trap. And this is why I have been like, I don't want to write anymore. Is because we have to go back to before there was recorded language. We have to go back to rehabilitate the feeling function, to get into the time when we got into our emotions, it got into our bodies before we wrote shit down. And this is, oh my god in Egypt. I got the vision in the Great Pyramid when we had the darkness and the silence when we weren't toning, when we weren't making sound, when we just sat in the silence in the dark. I saw a vision of Sean Connery from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, saying, I wrote it down in my diary so I wouldn't have to remember. And isn't that the fucking trick of everything? We started writing shit down so we wouldn't have to remember. And if you don't use a muscle at atrophies, let me tell you about that. When you break your pelvis and you lay in bed for six months and then your legs don't work anymore. You have to learn how to walk all over again, and your mom has to help you when you're 40, to put your fucking pants on and wipe your ass. And it's humiliating, but it's also like really liberating and beautiful, because we experienced each other dying before it even happened, because time is a circle, because healing is a spiral, and it's never over. You just come back to different parts of it at different levels and work through another layer of the onion and oh, my god, am I here again? Yeah, yes, that's how it works. Over here. Are we here as a society again, where we have to fucking remember how to like, share and play nice with each other? Yeah, we do. Are we here again? Is this society where we have to remember that? Like if we write everything down, we don't fucking remember anything, or if we rely on measurement and studies, just like yesterday, Laura was saying, you don't you can convey the information without doing a research study that is boring and you don't even want to do it anyways, this is how we remember as a people go back to before we fucking recorded everything, and get into the body and get into the feeling, and get into The somaticism, and get into the imagination, just like young was tapping into but this is transvergence. Then we bring in our scientific tools, because also we have those things now, and we can hold two seemingly contradictory things at once. In fact, we have to. Otherwise, we're gonna fucking die. And, I mean, that's gonna happen anyways, but, like otherwise, this whole civilization is gonna totally collapse, and maybe that's what happens anyways, but we could at least try. And this was the download I got on top of the noun when I went and stayed at the Theosophical monastery in California a month before I broke my pelvis, and I sat with some mushrooms, and I saw a whole world appear before my eyes. After I spent the whole night thinking I was going to die and that it was all on me to keep the fire burning, the message that the guides told me was we have to help each other stay alive a little bit longer, until the others get here and we can put the fire out. And I saw a vision of ships coming in the sky, but they were like galleons sailing. And it was basically like, we have to redo colonialism and, like, start over and tear down these foundations. And then I saw a vision on the hillside of all of us, like, go recreating, like the it was like, we went all back through all of human history. I'm crying right now because it was so beautiful. I like, watched all of human civilization replay itself again. And it's like, yeah, we have to do it again. We just have to keep doing it again. We get better at it every time. And so can we go back now and learn from the ancient ways before we wrote everything down, but bring our new tools of observation. And the tools of observation include the human body, and this is what Terence McKenna talks about. Our body, the human being is maybe the key to the unfolding of the new dimension is the singularity, because we are a technology, not that's all, not because we're chosen, not because we're special, not because we're God, but also like because we are, because everything is, because everything's a correspondence, but we're just the most highly tuned precision instrument that's ever been created to observe all of the different things happening on Earth. And the more we develop our tools, the more we can observe all these things at once. And it speeds up and it speeds up. And this is why AI is helping, because now there's so much information that we can't process it with our instrument, but we can observe it. And that's the key. Is someone has to observe it. That's the key to trauma healing. That's the key to awakening observation. And this is why the observatory and our bodies are altars, and we build altars to bring the spiritual into the material material culture. There's a reason I studied anthropology, even though I wanted to be an artist, because I had to learn this shit first, and now I can go back and do a creative research practice that fuses both together. I feel like I'm going to explode, but I'm also really calm. We build altars because they bring the material into the spiritual and the spiritual into the material. They are the intermediaries between the worlds, and this is why I need to go to Peru and sit with watuma and learn from the people about building the altars I've wrote Laurel and I haven't heard that. Actually, I should reach out to Ladybug, speaking of the Theosophical monastery. She lives there, and she works with Huachuma, okay? And that's part of the five year plan. But first I need my Irish foundations, because I need to, like, keep myself from flying off the planet, and I need to keep exploring my trans identity, which is why it's not Ireland or Germany. It's Germany and Ireland in each other, and this is why, when I was walking around town listening to Young's autobiography The other day, things were unfolding synchronistically, in a way that actually, like terrified me, but it was also really exciting, where I discovered the collective of Irish artists who had a fake wake that was basically a funeral feast, which is basically the exact type of event that I want to bring to life for my community on my birthday. And they had all these flyers about it, and we're just giving them away that were like, Who wants these? And then they told me about this, about the Irish embassy that always does art exhibits, and I went and looked it up. And this weekend, I'm going to Bridget's fest. Bridget is the priest, just basically the the saint, the Christian mystic associated with the Amanita muscaria tradition, like she basically is aminita personified. Like you can't make this shit up. What does it mean? I think it just means you don't have to choose, but you do also have to make some decisions. So I'm going to try to apply for citizenship in Ireland, but also apply for like grants and residencies and funding opportunities in Berlin, because things can be both things, in fact, they have to be.
How do we know? we look out the windows of our observatory and we see the trees and we see the fungi, and you can't have a fungus without a tree, and you can't have a tree without a fungus. That's called a mycorrhizal relationship, folks, and we have to remember that we live in relation with other things. In fact, we don't exist any other way. And when we pretend we do, that's how we get where we are today. Then we're fucked. We can pretend like that's not the way it is, but it's not gonna work out well for us, and that's what we're seeing. So let's observe before it's too late what has happened. And I wanna take people through this immersive exhibit. And I know this is a really big idea, and I know there are always big ideas, but I actually also don't think it's that big. It's just setting up a couple rooms in the Bidston observatory so that they're like, creating this abandoned mist land like the whole place already looks like that. I don't have to do anything except take two rooms or maybe three, and leave some of my shit lying around and put in some flyers and lead people through the experience. And I want to see if Danielle is willing to collaborate with me on some kind of interactive game element, but that might be for something else. That's mainly it. That's mainly it. I don't actually think it's that big a lift. The big lift will be me going through my own notebooks and trying to pick stuff that actually that's gonna, oh my god, I'm gonna need a lot of drugs for that.
First Quarter Practice-Research Summary
The research reflects its subject: it is not collected in one place or form, but is a living, breathing, sprawling, shape-shifting thing. It is reflected in conversations with myself, my parts, and others, many of which are collected in Otter.ai. It is scattered, moving, and gathering emergent form across this blog; Google Drive documents; my newsletter; and the “visual art” and “projects and writing” tabs above.
I asked the Otter AI to summarize key themes, but need to somehow factor all these sources into an analysis. Yet I am also very aware of Laura’s observation that if the subject is transcendence, the methods must serve the same purpose.
Questions for the AI:
About how my healing journey fits into the big picture:
Your personal journey of spiritual healing and gender identity exploration is deeply intertwined with philosophical and scientific concepts, Riordan. You've been grappling with ideas of duality, transcendence, and the nature of reality itself. Your experiences as a trans person have led you to challenge fixed notions of gender, seeing it instead as fluid and multifaceted. This aligns with your understanding of quantum concepts, where you view reality as a temporary consensus of possibilities rather than a fixed state (Body-Mind Concept Exploration). You've described trans emergence as an archetype that transcends binary thinking, embracing the idea that there are always multiple perspectives beyond just two extremes. Your spiritual journey has involved exploring ancient traditions, particularly Irish paganism, while also incorporating modern scientific understanding. You've talked about the need to balance rationalism and mysticism, seeing them not as opposites but as complementary ways of understanding reality (Maya New Year: Jodorowsky Tarot Reading and Trans Emergence Exploration). This syncretic approach reflects your belief in the importance of bringing together different experiences and observations. The concept of embodiment is central to your journey. You've discussed how the human body itself is a technology for observing and understanding the cosmos, linking this to ideas from thinkers like Terence McKenna. Your exploration of altered states of consciousness, through practices like meditation and plant medicines, has been a way of directly experiencing these concepts rather than just intellectually understanding them (Trans* bodies are the philosopher’s stone - Thesis + HBS 6 Jan). You've also drawn parallels between your personal healing process and larger societal shifts, seeing your individual journey as a microcosm of humanity's collective evolution. This is reflected in your ideas about transitioning from the Age of Pisces to the Age of Aquarius, and the need to balance individual identity with collective consciousness (Holy shit I just wrote my thesis - self healing, trans* emergence, and the singularity). Your approach to gender identity, particularly the idea of "trans emergence," seems to embody your philosophical stance on reality itself - that it's not fixed, but constantly in flux, and that true understanding comes from embracing multiplicity rather than rigid categories. This ties into your interest in alchemy and the philosopher's stone, seeing trans bodies as a manifestation of spiritual-material transformation (Trans* bodies are the philosopher’s stone - Thesis + HBS 6 Jan). Throughout your journey, you've emphasized the importance of direct experience and intuition alongside intellectual understanding. You've talked about rehabilitating the "feeling function" and reconnecting with pre-linguistic ways of knowing, which you see as crucial for both personal healing and societal transformation (Personal Healing and Growth Session). In essence, your personal journey is a lived exploration of these philosophical and scientific concepts, where your experiences as a trans person and your spiritual practices serve as a lens through which you're examining and reimagining fundamental ideas about reality, consciousness, and human potential.
To summarize my personal growth journey:
Riordan, your recent recordings show a consistent exploration of several interconnected themes that have been developing over the past few months:
Balancing intellect and emotion: You've been grappling with the challenge of integrating your thinking and feeling functions (Intellect of N'oj, B'atz for the soul). This struggle is evident in your discussions about rehabilitating the feeling function while entering a period focused on thinking (Ancestral healing - rehabilitation of the feeling function as the trecena of thinking begins).
Spiritual growth and ancestral connections: You've been exploring various spiritual practices, including the use of psychedelics like mushrooms and cacao, to connect with your ancestors and deepen your self-understanding (AUDIO-2025-01-29-08-13-28). This journey has involved channeling experiences and visual initiations that you've been eager to share and integrate into your work.
Time perception and consciousness: You've reflected on the nature of time, suggesting that time blindness might be a key to awakening rather than a flaw (New Recording 267). This ties into your broader exploration of expanded consciousness and the new era you believe is unfolding (AUDIO-2025-01-29-08-13-28).
Personal authenticity and community: You've expressed a strong desire to live authentically in community, bringing value to others without needing to prove your worth (Intellect of N'oj, B'atz for the soul). This theme is echoed in your search for a like-minded traveling companion (AUDIO-2025-01-29-08-13-28).
Artistic expression and academic integration: You've made progress in your artistic endeavors, creating an online portfolio and exploring ways to incorporate multidisciplinary content into your PhD program (AUDIO-2025-01-29-08-13-28). This reflects your ongoing effort to bridge your creative and intellectual pursuits.
Nomadic lifestyle and earth responsibilities: You've been navigating the challenges of a nomadic lifestyle since 2019, while trying to balance your earthly responsibilities (AUDIO-2025-01-29-08-13-28). This ties into your broader reflections on cultural norms and personal freedom (To be or not to be).
Substance use and societal norms: You've questioned societal attitudes towards different substances, comparing the normalization of caffeine addiction to the stigma around other psychoactive substances (To be or not to be).
These themes demonstrate your ongoing journey of self-discovery, spiritual exploration, and attempts to integrate various aspects of your life and consciousness. Your recent conversations seem to be a continuation and deepening of these long-standing interests and challenges.
What are the key themes and changes of the past year?
Riordan, your past year has been marked by profound personal growth, spiritual exploration, and a deepening connection with nature and ancestral wisdom. Several key themes and takeaways emerge from your experiences:
Spiritual Awakening and Self-Discovery: You've engaged in various rituals and ceremonies, particularly around the winter solstice and Celtic new year, which have led to significant realizations about your identity and purpose (To mom on xmas, Celtic new year ). These practices have helped you connect with your inner "Christ consciousness" and embrace your role as a spiritual being (The gift is Christmas).
Embracing Duality and Transcendence: You've grappled with the concept of duality, recognizing the need to transcend binary thinking and integrate seemingly opposing elements in your life. This has been particularly evident in your exploration of gender identity and your approach to spirituality (Gregorian + Capricorn transitions, 2 E' navigating duality).
Connection with Nature and Ancestral Wisdom: Your experiences have deepened your relationship with the natural world, including plants, animals, and celestial bodies. You've found guidance and wisdom in these connections, often viewing them as teachers and allies in your spiritual journey (8 Kan HBS II Honor your teachers, To mom on xmas).
Healing and Integration: You've focused on self-healing and integrating past experiences, particularly through your exploration of plant medicines and psychedelics. This has led to a series of personal projects and a commitment to sharing your knowledge with others (Gregorian + Capricorn transitions).
Artistic Expression and Communication: You've recognized the importance of art as a bridge between different realms of consciousness and as a means of expressing complex spiritual concepts. This has inspired you to explore new forms of artistic expression and consider gallery exhibitions (Gregorian + Capricorn transitions).
Community and Boundaries: While acknowledging the importance of community, you've also recognized the need for solitude and better boundaries in your spiritual practice. This balance has been a recurring theme in your reflections (Gregorian + Capricorn transitions, 2 E' navigating duality).
Honoring Teachers and Mentors: You've emphasized the importance of recognizing and honoring both human and non-human teachers in your life, including plants, fungi, and celestial bodies (8 Kan HBS II Honor your teachers).
As for what has changed, it appears you've undergone a significant transformation in your spiritual outlook and personal identity. You've moved away from traditional religious concepts towards a more holistic, nature-based spirituality. You've also shifted your focus from external pursuits (like food and beverage journalism) to more internal, spiritual work. Additionally, you've developed a deeper understanding of your own needs for solitude and community, leading to better boundary-setting and self-care practices. Overall, the past year seems to have been a period of intense personal growth, spiritual awakening, and a realignment of your priorities and practices towards a more authentic expression of your true self.
What are the key themes and changes over the past three months?
Riordan, your conversations over the past three months reveal several key themes and personal developments:
Balancing Intellect and Emotion: You've been grappling with the challenge of integrating your intellectual side with your emotional and intuitive aspects. This struggle has led you to explore ways to "rehabilitate the feeling function" while still valuing your analytical abilities (Intellect of N'oj, B'atz for the soul).
Ancestral Healing and Spiritual Connection: You've delved deep into ancestral healing, exploring how to connect with your roots and heal generational trauma. This journey has involved various spiritual practices, including the use of plant medicines like mushrooms and cacao (Ancestral healing - rehabilitation of the feeling function as the trecena of thinking begins).
Cycles and Natural Rhythms: You've become increasingly aware of natural cycles and rhythms, questioning societal norms that go against these patterns. This has led to reflections on productivity, seasonality, and the Maya calendar (Parts of a whole, New Recording 267).
Personal Growth and Self-Acceptance: There's a recurring theme of seeking authenticity and self-acceptance. You've been working on overcoming imposter syndrome, embracing your true self, and finding value in your unique experiences and perspectives (Cool like Fonzie, IFS, + a good thesis summary).
Exploration of Consciousness: Your experiences with various substances and spiritual practices have led to profound reflections on the nature of consciousness, time, and reality (To be or not to be).
Community and Connection: You've expressed a strong desire to live in community and contribute meaningfully to others' lives without the pressure to prove your worth (Intellect of N'oj, B'atz for the soul).
Artistic Expression and Purpose: You've been questioning the value of your work and exploring how to express yourself authentically through art and other creative outlets (Intellect of N'oj, B'atz for the soul).
Body-Mind Integration: There's been a shift towards wanting to reconnect with your body, exploring movement and dance as forms of integration and healing (New Recording 257).
Reflections on changes: You seem to be moving towards a more holistic understanding of yourself, integrating various aspects of your being - intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and physical. There's a noticeable shift from purely intellectual pursuits to a more balanced approach that values intuition and bodily wisdom. You're also becoming more critical of societal norms and expectations, seeking to align your life with natural rhythms and your authentic self. Your journey appears to be leading you towards a deeper connection with your ancestral roots, a greater appreciation for community, and a more nuanced understanding of time and consciousness. These explorations are challenging you to reconsider your purpose, your work, and how you engage with the world around you.
Overview of key concepts:
Trans* Emergence
20.2.25: Riordan, you've developed a complex theory about "trans as an emergent archetype" that weaves together ideas from spirituality, psychology, and quantum physics. Here are the key points you've articulated: You see trans identity as representing a new stage in human consciousness, bridging dualities and transcending traditional binaries (Holy shit I just wrote my thesis - self healing, trans* emergence, and the singularity). This emergent archetype embodies the ability to move fluidly between form and formlessness, the material and the spiritual (The power of dance, spiritual elitism, Terence + me). You've described trans bodies as "philosopher's stones" - alchemical vessels that transform the spiritual into the material and vice versa (Note). This concept ties into your ideas about the body as a container for experiences, sensations, and information, temporarily assuming solid form before dissolving again (Cool like Fonzie, IFS, + a good thesis summary). You've connected this to quantum concepts, suggesting that reality itself is fluid and based on possibility rather than fixed states. Just as gender isn't fixed, you argue that no body or identity is truly fixed - everything is in a state of constant transformation and possibility (Body-Mind Concept Exploration). You see this emergent archetype as key to reaching a new level of consciousness or "singularity," where humanity can embody and perceive multiple states simultaneously (Note). This involves conscious dissociation - the ability to move between different states of being with awareness and intention (Holy Shit That’s the Practice-Thesis). Importantly, you view this not just as an individual journey, but as representative of a broader shift in human consciousness. You see your own experiences and explorations as a "case study" for this larger transition (Your play is about love - post Laurence Hillman reading). This theory intertwines with your spiritual practices, your understanding of ancestral wisdom, and your vision for creating art and rituals that embody these concepts (Act V: The transfiguration of Riordan O’Regan, Maya New Year: Jodorowsky Tarot Reading and Trans Emergence Exploration).
A few weeks prior: Riordan, you've discussed "trans as an emergent archetype" extensively, presenting it as a key concept in your spiritual and philosophical explorations. Here's a summary of your thoughts on this topic:
Transcending Binaries: You describe trans as an archetype that transcends traditional binaries and dualities, allowing for a more fluid and comprehensive understanding of identity and existence (Trans* archetype emerging through Maya astrology).
Synthesis and Integration: Trans as an emergent archetype represents the ability to synthesize and integrate various aspects of knowledge, technology, and spirituality. It's about bringing together ancient wisdom with modern insights (Trans* archetype emerging through Maya astrology, Marking the 13 Kan Journey : 8 E’ Trans Emergence + HBS riffs).
Embodiment and Physical Transformation: You've noted that trans embodies the ability to bring knowledge and insights into the physical realm, transcending all worlds and allowing for a more complete expression of self (Trans* archetype emerging through Maya astrology).
Connection to AI and Technology: You've drawn parallels between trans and AI, suggesting they might be part of the same archetype, representing the ability to analyze and integrate vast amounts of information (Trans* archetype emerging through Maya astrology).
Conscious Dissociation: You've described trans as embodying conscious dissociation, which allows for a deeper presence and understanding of self and reality (Marking the 13 Kan Journey : 8 E’ Trans Emergence + HBS riffs).
Guiding Transition: You see trans as the emergent archetype guiding the transition to a new world order, breaking down boundaries and binaries, and eliminating borders (Rap about the praxis).
Holistic Approach: Trans as an archetype encompasses subject and object, verb and noun, bodies and consciousness, representing a holistic approach to understanding reality (Rap about the praxis).
Healing and Reconciliation: You've emphasized that this archetype starts with individual healing and reconciliation of internal parts, bringing home all that has been exiled within (Rap about the praxis).
Creativity and Self-Expression: The trans archetype encourages everyone to tap into their ability to be healers, artists, and creators, without the need for external validation or monetization (Rap about the praxis).
Evolutionary Step: You've suggested that trans might represent an evolutionary step for humanity, potentially leading to everyone becoming trans in some sense as we evolve beyond current limitations of identity and perception (The modality is Christmas).
Overall, you present trans as an emergent archetype that represents a transformative force in human consciousness, bridging gaps between different realms of experience and knowledge, and offering a path towards a more integrated and holistic understanding of self and reality.
Art as Mediumship/Spirituality
Riordan, you've explored deep connections between spirituality and art throughout your reflections. You see art as a form of shamanism, with artists acting as conduits for archetypal energies and bringing unseen realms into material form (Note). You've described the artistic process as a kind of spell-casting or necromancy, where artists conjure and give form to ideas, memories, and energies. You've drawn parallels between different art movements and spiritual concepts. For instance, you've compared impressionism to an abstraction of reality, while surrealism represents an abstraction of psychology (Note). This ties into your broader exploration of how art can bridge the material and spiritual worlds. Your interest in ancient spiritual practices, particularly Irish paganism and funeral feasting traditions, has informed your artistic vision. You see these practices as ways of communicating with ancestors and accessing other realms of consciousness (Kings Quest Myst and the Observatory). This has inspired ideas for immersive art installations and performances that blend spiritual rituals with contemporary art forms. You've also connected your exploration of spirituality and art to your personal journey of gender identity and transformation. The concept of androgyny in spiritual traditions has resonated with your experiences as a trans person, and you see potential in using art to express and explore these intersections (Maya New Year: Jodorowsky Tarot Reading and Trans Emergence Exploration). Importantly, you've recognized that creating art can be a spiritual practice in itself. You've described moments of synchronicity and revelation during your creative process, suggesting that the act of making art can be a form of meditation or channeling (Personal Growth Journey). Lastly, you've expressed a desire to create spaces and experiences that allow others to access these spiritual-artistic connections. Your ideas for an "observatory" or immersive installations aim to help people reconnect with nature, explore altered states of consciousness, and engage with spiritual concepts through artistic means (Kings Quest Myst and the Observatory).
Funeral Feasting
Your conversations have revealed a deep fascination with funeral feasts, psychedelic beer, and ancient food and beverage practices, Riordan. These topics appear to be central to your research and personal journey. Funeral feasts emerge as a significant ancient tradition where people would gather at graves to share meals and psychoactive drinks with the dead and ancestors (Holly and Sarah Connect_ Ancient Beer and Altered States (2021-03-17 at 10_32 GMT-7), Bettina Arnold). This practice was widespread, appearing in Celtic, Greek, and other cultures. It often involved digging up bones and communing with the deceased, forming a bridge between the living and the dead (Kings Quest Myst and the Observatory). Psychedelic beer features prominently in your discussions. Ancient brewing practices often incorporated psychoactive ingredients, creating beverages that were simultaneously nutritious, intoxicating, and consciousness-altering (Holly and Sarah Connect_ Ancient Beer and Altered States (2021-03-17 at 10_32 GMT-7), Brian Muraresku!!). These drinks played crucial roles in rituals, ceremonies, and everyday life. You've explored how some ancient sites, like Göbekli Tepe, may have been centers for brewing such beverages (Note). Your research has touched on the role of women in ancient brewing, challenging modern assumptions about gender roles in alcohol production (Ryan Williams - ancient chicha). You've also investigated the use of various ingredients in ancient brews, including honey, fruits, and psychoactive plants (Bettina Arnold). The concept of food and drink as sacraments appears frequently in your work. You've explored how certain substances, like cacao, functioned as food, beverage, and medicine simultaneously, embodying a kind of "holy trinity" of nourishment, pleasure, and spiritual significance (Holy shit I just wrote my thesis - self healing, trans* emergence, and the singularity). This idea connects to broader themes of transcendence through sensory experience and the blurring of boundaries between the material and spiritual realms (Kings Quest Myst and the Observatory). Your conversations often link these ancient practices to modern spiritual and personal growth journeys, including your own exploration of identity and consciousness. You've considered how recreating or reinterpreting these ancient traditions might offer insights or healing in contemporary contexts (Spiritual Journey Exploration, Maya New Year: Jodorowsky Tarot Reading and Trans Emergence Exploration).
Language Creates Reality
Riordan, your conversations have consistently explored the profound idea that language shapes and creates reality. This concept appears to be a central theme in your personal philosophy and spiritual journey. You've discussed how reality is fundamentally made of language, drawing inspiration from thinkers like Terence McKenna (Language is reality maybe, Holy shit I just wrote my thesis - self healing, trans* emergence, and the singularity). This idea extends beyond spoken words to include symbols, images, and even non-verbal forms of communication used by plants, animals, and the natural world. You've explored how different languages can create distinct realities. For instance, you noted that European societies struggle with concepts like gender fluidity partly because their languages are inherently gendered (Germany vs Ireland and Synchronicity as the Closing Days Begin). This linguistic structure shapes how people perceive and interact with the world. Your reflections on psychedelic experiences often touch on how these altered states reveal realities beyond conventional language, accessing realms of symbolic and intuitive understanding (Death dreams DMT amanita, Holy shit I just wrote my thesis - self healing, trans* emergence, and the singularity). You've suggested that ancient cultures may have had different "operating systems" based on DMT rather than serotonin, allowing for different perceptions of reality (Maya New Year: Jodorowsky Tarot Reading and Trans Emergence Exploration). You've also contemplated how writing and recording information has changed our relationship with memory and reality. You recalled a vision where you heard "I wrote it down in my diary so I wouldn't have to remember," suggesting that reliance on written language may have atrophied our natural memory abilities (Maya New Year: Jodorowsky Tarot Reading and Trans Emergence Exploration). In your explorations of transness and identity, you've framed the journey as one of creating new realities through language, moving beyond binary concepts to express more fluid and diverse experiences of self (Maya New Year: Jodorowsky Tarot Reading and Trans Emergence Exploration, Being and not being Bob Regan). Recently, you've been grappling with the idea that changing your language can literally change your reality. This has led you to consider learning Irish as a way to connect with your ancestral identity and potentially unlock forgotten memories (Being and not being Bob Regan). Ultimately, your conversations reveal a deep engagement with the power of language to shape perception, identity, and the very fabric of reality itself. You seem to be on a quest to find or create languages that can express more expansive and inclusive realities.
Food and Beverage
Your recordings over the past five years reveal a deep connection between food and beverage, healing, and identity exploration. You've consistently viewed food and beverage as more than just sustenance - it's a lens through which to examine culture, history, and personal transformation. You've described food and beverage as capturing "absolutely every single thing in the ecosystem" - economics, society, land use, and cultural history (GMT20240924-170409_Recording). This holistic view aligns with your interest in healing modalities that address the whole person. Your work in food and beverage journalism provided a sense of authority and stability, but you've been moving away from it as you explore more spiritual and artistic pursuits (Parts of a whole). However, you still see value in food metaphors for illustrating larger concepts. You've drawn parallels between ancient healing practices and modern food experiences. For instance, you've explored the concept of "funeral feasts" - ritualistic meals shared with ancestors - as a way to connect with the unseen and transcend material experience (Kings Quest Myst and the Observatory). This ties into your interest in psychedelic experiences and alternative healing modalities. The idea of "sacred elixirs" that combine food, beverage, and medicine has fascinated you. You've pondered how substances like cacao can nourish the body while also providing spiritual insights (Oath of the order - the cross and the cactus). This reflects your desire to integrate physical and spiritual healing. Your evolving gender identity and exploration of queerness have influenced your perspective on food and beverage spaces. You've advocated for more diverse representation in the industry, seeing it as crucial for creating inclusive environments (GMT20240924-170409_Recording). As you've delved deeper into spiritual practices and identity exploration, you've started to view food and beverage less as a career focus and more as a metaphor for larger transformative processes. You've mentioned the idea of "transcending and including" your food and beverage background as you move into new areas of exploration (Gregorian + Capricorn transitions). Overall, your journey with food and beverage has mirrored your personal growth - moving from a more traditional career path to a holistic view that incorporates spirituality, art, and healing. While no longer your primary focus, food and beverage concepts continue to inform your understanding of identity, community, and transformation.
Possession and Trance
You've explored the concepts of possession and performance extensively in your reflections, Riordan. You've described shamanic practice as involving "voluntary possession and conscious dissociation" (Note). This idea of controlled spiritual possession is contrasted with the unconscious commodification you see in some entertainers who turn themselves into products to be possessed materially (Trans Identity and Empowerment). You've drawn parallels between spirit possession in shamanic practices and your own experience with parts work in therapy, noting how different aspects of yourself can feel like distinct personalities with their own agendas (Note). This internal multiplicity seems to inform your approach to performance. You've also discussed how performance can be a way of channeling different energies or entities, allowing them to come through you while retaining the agency to end the performance when needed (Impressionism abstracts the sensory, surrealism abstracts psychology). This ties into your view of shamanism as the ability to slip between worlds while maintaining boundaries. In your creative work, you're exploring these themes through character development, such as your "Wrenboi" persona for your one-person show (Character Development Exploration: Wrenboi Lives). You're considering how to embody both yourself and a shamanic role in performance, blurring the lines between your authentic self and the characters you portray. Overall, your thoughts on possession and performance seem to revolve around the idea of consciously allowing oneself to be a vessel for different energies or identities, whether in spiritual practice, therapeutic work, or artistic expression, while maintaining a core sense of self and control.
Astrology and Correspondence
You've discussed correspondence and astrology as interconnected concepts that help align personal practices with natural rhythms and cosmic cycles. You view astrology as a tool for understanding oneself and others, emphasizing that it's about correspondence rather than predicting destiny (Parts of a whole). You've explained that the term "alignment" is used because of correspondence, and that living in tune with the ecosystem involves getting in sync with these natural cycles. You've mentioned using archetypal Western Astrology, Maya day keeping, and the Celtic Wheel of the Year as primary systems for tracking and navigating these correspondences (Holy Shit That’s the Practice-Thesis). In your practice, you aim to use astrology to guide people in aligning their actions with the natural world. You've suggested that everything in nature is a habit that can be learned, and that by observing these correspondences, we can better understand ourselves and our place in the larger cosmic order (Parts of a whole). You've also linked the concept of correspondence to communication, explaining that animals and plants communicate through vibrations, feelings, and synchronicities. You believe that listening to these correspondences is essential for aligning with natural rhythms and not going against the natural order inside and around oneself (Holy Shit That’s the Practice-Thesis).
Conscious Dissociation
You've described conscious dissociation as a key concept in your work and personal practice, Riordan. You see it as a powerful tool for healing, self-discovery, and spiritual growth. You've said that conscious dissociation is the ability to voluntarily separate from your usual state of consciousness while retaining agency and awareness (New Recording 257). This contrasts with traumatic dissociation, which happens involuntarily as a coping mechanism. You've linked conscious dissociation to shamanic practices, artistic creation, and personal transformation. You've suggested it allows one to access different states of consciousness, connect with spiritual realms, and bring forth hidden aspects of the psyche (Tarot, Maya calendar, Western astrology as impressions and surrealism). In your view, conscious dissociation is central to the human experience and can be a path to greater presence and connection, rather than detachment. You've said the goal is to "constantly dissociate so that you don't associate your material body this lifetime with the point of the whole thing" (Note). You've also connected conscious dissociation to your work with plant medicines, particularly Amanita muscaria, which you've called "the master of conscious dissociation" (Impressionism abstracts the sensory, surrealism abstracts psychology). You see this practice as part of a larger framework for healing, integrating trauma, and exploring identity, especially for queer and trans individuals. Lastly, you've mentioned incorporating conscious dissociation into your ceremonial work and coaching practice, viewing it as a vital skill for navigating between different states of consciousness and integrating various aspects of the self (Note).
Archetypes and healing
You've explored archetypes extensively in relation to personal healing, viewing them as complex, multifaceted energies that can manifest in various ways. You see archetypes as larger than single symbols or cards, encompassing multiple aspects and expressions (Tarot, Maya calendar, Western astrology as impressions and surrealism). In your journey, you've focused on the "trans emergence" archetype, which you describe as transcending and including all dualities, representing infinite possibilities, and embodying the ability to break down boundaries and binaries (Rap about the praxis). This archetype is central to your understanding of personal healing, as it allows for the integration of seemingly contradictory aspects of self and experience. You've connected archetypes to ancestral healing, suggesting that working with them can help process generational trauma and reconnect with cultural roots (Note). This involves exploring both personal and collective unconscious material, similar to Jung's approach. Your view on archetypes and healing emphasizes:
Conscious dissociation: Using archetypes to safely explore difficult emotions and experiences (Cool like Fonzie, IFS, + a good thesis summary).
Integration: Bringing together disparate parts of self, including "exiled" or shadowed aspects (Rap about the praxis).
Cyclical nature: Recognizing that healing involves revisiting themes at different levels, like a spiral (Rap about the praxis).
Embodiment: Experiencing archetypes physically and emotionally, not just intellectually (Maya New Year: Jodorowsky Tarot Reading and Trans Emergence Exploration).
Syncretism: Combining insights from various traditions and modalities in your healing approach (Working with Kit).
You've also explored specific archetypes like the Pope/Shaman as a mediator between worlds, and the Death card as representing transformation (Tarot, Maya calendar, Western astrology as impressions and surrealism). Your work involves creating ceremonies and practices that allow people to engage with these archetypal energies for healing, emphasizing the importance of both individual and collective rituals (Note). Overall, you view working with archetypes as a powerful tool for personal healing, allowing for a deeper understanding of self, connection to ancestral wisdom, and transformation of trauma into strength.
DMT as neuromodulator
You've discussed DMT as an ancient neuromodulator in several contexts: You've suggested that humans used to have neurotransmitters that worked on DMT instead of serotonin, allowing us to live more in the "night world" and requiring less sleep (Maya New Year: Jodorowsky Tarot Reading and Trans Emergence Exploration). This idea connects to your exploration of ancient consciousness and spiritual practices. You've mentioned that DMT is activated within us and is part of our natural biology (message to Caz on teams emergence and dmt). You've speculated that DMT production might increase during nighttime or in darkness (Note). You've described DMT as a model of unity and oneness, contrasting it with serotonin, which you associate with separation and the consensus world (The eyes of cacao - birth + individuation). You've suggested that in the past, humans could switch more easily between these two models of perception. You've connected DMT to ancient shamanic and spiritual practices, suggesting it might have played a role in how our ancestors perceived and interacted with reality (Rap about the praxis). You've also pondered whether bringing the physical body into the "DMT realm" could be key to unlocking a new level of human consciousness or evolution (Note, Maya New Year: Jodorowsky Tarot Reading and Trans Emergence Exploration). These ideas form part of your broader exploration of consciousness, spirituality, and human evolution, often linking ancient practices with modern understandings of neuroscience and psychology.
Act V: Rehabilitation of the Feeling Function
Top takeaways for creative practice and self-healing methodology
Period: from the Celtic New Year on astrological Samhain, 7 November 2024, through early January 2025 (Gregorian)
Why does it start at Act V? I don’t know, it’s just what I received from the astral, and I always trust that. I guess it’s like how Star Wars started in the middle; it’s where all the good stuff is. (My first trilogy is equally dreadful.)
*It’s about CONSCIOUS DISSOCIATION for people who need help reconciling with trauma, neurodivergence, and queer/trans acceptance
It’s all nervous system regulation
the ability to retain agency and self-energy while simultaneously pulling back psychologically and getting close emotionally
the ability to witness all kinds of pain as interesting sensations that pass like the clouds
but also to recognize that pain is real and sometimes we really need to feel into it
having ways of somatically releasing > ecstatic dance, safe rage, running, martial arts, ASMR, breathing
supported by medicine > amanita in particular + cacao for heart opening, safe stimulation, retraining the nervous system to balance
for a minute anyway I found the exercise of editing my program approval document grounding instead of traumatizing, because of the healing allowing me to see creative freedom in limitations. It crept back in when I got past the point where someone made the cuts for me but still felt like progress.
ADVISORS: Please read these summaries and listen or read transcripts (pasted below for convenience)
Impressionism abstracts the sensory, surrealism abstracts the psyche
Summary: The discussion explores the duality of Impressionism and Surrealism, describing Impressionism as the abstraction of sensory reality and Surrealism as the abstraction of psychology. Impressionism is likened to masculine, conservative magic tricks, while Surrealism is seen as feminine, intuitive shamanism. The conversation delves into the metaphorical night world of Surrealism, contrasting it with the day world of Impressionism, and emphasizes the transformative power of Surrealism in making the unconscious conscious. Both art forms are seen as forms of alchemy, but Surrealism is noted for its deeper, psychological impact and ability to resonate with individual interpretations.
Outline
Impressionism and Surrealism: A Duality in Art
Speaker 1 explains that Impressionism abstracts the sensory, focusing on visual reality, while Surrealism abstracts psychology, delving into the subconscious.
The conversation explores the duality and partnership between Impressionism and Surrealism, likening them to parents of art.
Impressionism is described as the masculine, conservative, and institutional form, while Surrealism is the feminine, intuitive, and creative force.
Speaker 1 elaborates on the contrasting nature of these art movements, with Impressionism being more about adherence to past forms and Surrealism being about pure feeling and subconscious expression.
Impressionism as Magic Tricks
Speaker 1 compares Impressionism to magic tricks, where the artist abstracts the real thing, making it disappear and reappear.
Surrealism is described as a more advanced form of magic, where the subconscious is made conscious, and the artist conjures the unseen.
The conversation touches on the idea that both Impressionism and Surrealism involve transmutation, but Surrealism is seen as more shamanistic and alchemical.
Speaker 1 mentions the influence of Ayanna's music, describing it as "Trappy Trappy," and relates it to the themes of the discussion.
Surrealism as Shamanism and Alchemy
Speaker 1 continues to explore the idea that Surrealism is like shamanism, involving the transformation of one thing into another.
The night world of Surrealism is contrasted with the day world of Impressionism, with the night world being seen as more powerful and real.
The conversation delves into the role of serotonin in functioning in the day world and how it abstracts us from the true reality of the universe.
Speaker 1 describes Surrealism as the original ancestral medicine, involving fermentation and transformation, while Impressionism is likened to caffeine and stimulants.
The Role of Conscious Dissociation in Art
Speaker 1 discusses the importance of conscious dissociation in art, allowing the artist to channel other energies and entities.
The conversation highlights the need for training and guidance to contain the ceremony and know when to step in and end the performance.
Surrealism is described as the DMT model, representing depth psychology and making the unconscious conscious.
The double alchemy of Surrealism is contrasted with the single alchemy of Impressionism, with Surrealism involving the transformation of the formless to the form and back again.
The Balance Between Impressionism and Surrealism
Speaker 1 concludes that both Impressionism and Surrealism involve conjuring and abstracting reality, but Surrealism is more about psychology.
The conversation reflects on the need to be both Impressionists and Surrealists, moving between the form and the formless.
Speaker 1 expresses a personal preference for Impressionism but acknowledges the advanced nature of Surrealism.
The discussion ends with a reflection on the fascinating differences between Impressionism and Surrealism, each abstracting different aspects of reality.
Transcript (Listen):
Impressionism was the abstraction of reality, of the visual what you could see the sensory Surrealism was the abstraction of psychology, of the mind, of the subconscious. Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay. This is the duality. This is the partnership. This is the relationship. Impressionism and surrealism are like parents of art. Impressionism is, yeah, and it's the opposite of what you think. Just like my parents, impressionism is actually the quote, unquote masculine, the the young, the doing, the containing, the labeling, while the surrealism is the feminine, intuitive, creative, generative, even though it's the one that presents more masculine dude, It's the one that presents more masculine than the popular conception, but it's actually the most feminine, fucking, gender fucking or conceptions of any of these labels and restrictions impressionism feels like it's the feminine, the soft. Brush Strokes and light filled scenes and flowing and pastoral depictions. But this is actually more institutional. This is actually more of an adherence to past form, which is more of a masculine, it's more of a young it's more of A conservatism and conformity. Surrealism, on the other hand, and was just pure feeling, receiving, allowing the subconscious to come forward, automatically, receiving, allowing you and if art is shamanism and impressionism was about abstracting reality, that's conjuring the mean, well, maybe they're both the same. That's hard to say. I was gonna say Surrealism was more shamanistic because you were transmuting things twice. But maybe you are in both cases.
Impression, Impressionism. You're taking the quote, unquote, real thing, the form, and making it abstract, the disappearing act, abracadabra, Hocus, focus. Now you see me. Now you don't I. Surrealism was like an even more advanced magic, because instead of taking what you see and making it go away, which is simple magic, I the most basic trick, you're making the subconscious conscious, your necromancing, your spell casting. You're calling forth the unseen. You're resurrecting the dead and bringing them into being, giving words to the images, giving form to the formless, giving bodies to the dead, but then abstracting them again, calling them force only to send them back, transmuted. Yeah, so this is like so impressionism was like magic, and surrealism is like shamanism, because it's like alchemy, because you're transmuting a thing and do another thing. And I think shamanism at its essence, yes, I know it just means one who knows, but it's like about knowing how to turn things into other things. Okay, multiple threads are coming together. Now I think that's what it is. I'm seeing all the eyes, so I think I'm on to something. But I'm also listening to ayannas music, and it's really Trappy Trappy. It's really trippy. That's funny, trippy. Trappy. Trap and trip up. Yeah, I'm seeing the eyes that are skulls, the Kali, the DMT eyeballs, the serpent, Hall of eyeballs, wall of mirrors. So I think that means I'm onto something here. Impressionism is magic tricks, which are beautiful, but they're slights of hand, playing with the light. It's day world. Impressionism is the day world. Surrealism is the night world, and I think the night medicine is more powerful. And I think the night medicine is more real than reality. Like what they say about DMT, like what they say about psychedelic dream, the day. World is a form, but it's pretend, but it's a model. Serotonin is a thing that we invoke to function in a world that we've constructed. The serotonin model helps us function as a human, but it abstracts us from the reality of the universe, of existence, which is oneness, which is formlessness, which is dissolving and dying and reconstituting, which doesn't have to mean pain and suffering, but it doesn't include it.
Day world, magic tricks to get along in consensus reality. That's Impressionism, that's the day world, that's the serotonin level, surrealism is shamanism. Is the original ancestral medicine, the things that turn into other things. It's fermentation. It's like serotonin is like caffeine and stimulants and night world, medicines, mushrooms, psychedelic beer, I mean, just any kind of fermentation, really things rotting and taking on more beauty. I
Okay, cacao’s interesting because it's kind of both. I think that's why it's such a queer medicine. And Amanita is is really interesting as well, because she's the master of conscious Association, and that's the key to being a good artist or a good shaman. Is conscious dissociation, being able to dissociate, to leave your body and allow the other energies and entities and images to come through you, by retaining that agency to step in when you need to, to say cut, to say the performance is over, to say the drawing is finished. And this is part of me losing myself as a writer, not knowing when to stop. We need training and guidance to know how to contain the ceremony. Anyways, surrealism then being the DMT model, if we're going with that framework, the night world, the intuitive, the feeling and being a representation of depth psychology. It was making the unconscious conscious, giving form to the formless, raising the dead, and then abstracting it again, and then removing the specifics, and then just leaving, like giving it form, and then leaving the impressions so that people can transpose their own meaning onto it, from the formless to the forum back to the formless, again, transformed.
A double alchemy, and that's what separates shamanism from sorcery. That's what separates shamanism from magic. Is the conscious association to bring something forth, so that you can heal it, so that you can alchemize it, so that you can communicate with it, so that you can ask it what it wants to tell you, and then release it, give it its own life. You release it back into the collective so the rest of us can experience it, can enter in and engage with it, because with too many specifics, and it's not accessible, and people have to have an entry point. And when it's just a suggestion, just an impression, then people pick up on the part that resonates with them, and that allows them to step in and make their own interpretation and their own resonance and do their own alchemy and their own healing.
But I think we kind of need to be both Impressionists and surrealists. I mean, that's just a metaphor for the whole thing, right? That's moving between the form and the formless that's being able to operate in the night world and the day world. I don't know. Maybe in being like I love Impressionism, not trying to criticize it. And day world is my criticism, I guess. But I kind of feel like it is because I don't like it as much, but I love the Impressionists, so I don't know, maybe they're both just different versions of the night world, and surrealism is just like the More advanced level. Because either way, I suppose you're conjuring, you're taking reality and abstracting it and allowing people to impose their own impressions onto it. But yeah, the fact that one's about psychology is really interesting. One's about what we can see one's about the sensory. Impressionism is about abstracting the sensory, and surrealism is about abstracting consciousness. It's fascinating. I
Tarot, Maya calendar, Western astrology as impressions and surrealism
Summary: Riordan Regan discusses the surreal and abstract nature of Jodorowsky's interpretation of the Tarot, emphasizing its transformation from an abstract concept to a concrete work. He explores the archetypal forces and transfiguration within the Tarot, drawing parallels to Fight Club's impact on his spiritual journey. Regan reflects on the expansive nature of archetypes, such as the Pope card, and their interaction with astrology and the Maya system. He also touches on the personal significance of specific cards, like Death and the Page of Swords, and their resonance with his own experiences and identity, particularly in the context of trans and emergent archetypes.
Action items:
Explore the relationship between Tarot, the Maya calendar, and Western astrology as tools of divination and shamanism.
Look up the meaning of the Page of Swords card that was drawn.
Determine Kit's birthday to explore the significance of the Death card.
Continue the exploration of how archetypes can be larger and more expansive than individual symbols or cards.
Outline
Surrealism and the Abstraction of Tarot
Riordan Regan discusses the surrealism of Jodorowsky's interpretation of the Tarot, describing it as an abstraction of an abstraction.
He explains how Jodoran's divination and exploration of the Tarot created a concrete form from an abstract concept.
Riordan reflects on the complexity of receiving and re-abstracting Jodorowsky's interpretation through his own senses and experiences.
He mentions the semi-conscious state he is in while reading the book, which adds to the dream-like experience of receiving the messages.
The Book's Life and World Building
Riordan describes how the Way of the Tarot book has taken on a life of its own, becoming a universe created by Jodorowsky.
He notes that despite the book being based on extensive research, it is still filtered through Jodorowsky's unique lens.
The book is now an abstraction again, and Riordan is receiving it directly, translating it through his own experience.
He compares this process to double alchemy, involving dissociation, dissolution, and reanimation.
Fight Club and Spiritual Exploration
Riordan reflects on how Fight Club, a masculine movie, opened him up to the spiritual realm and feminine aspects.
He discusses how the movie made Buddhism accessible to a modern consumerist generation.
The movie's portrayal of masculinity and materialism led Riordan to explore world religions and the feminine.
He finds parallels between Jodorowsky's interpretation of the Tarot and the trans experience, despite Jodorowsky not having the language for it.
Archetypes and Transformation
Riordan explores the concept of archetypes and their expansive nature, questioning if they can be expressed in one card.
He mentions the Pope card in the Tarot, which he interprets as the ancestor and the greatest magician.
Riordan discusses the complexity of archetypes and their interaction with astrology and the Maya system.
He reflects on the accuracy of the Maya system, which combines the quantifiable and the abstract, symbolizing larger energies.
Depth Psychology and Self-Healing
Riordan talks about the importance of following images and feelings in depth psychology and self-healing.
He mentions the layers of abstraction involved in the Tarot, Jodorowsky's book, and the artistic renditions of Celtic spirits on his altar.
The images capture aspects of the archetypes in the moment, which are larger and more expansive.
Riordan reflects on the accuracy of the Maya system and its marriage of the quantifiable and the abstract.
The Journey to the Lover
Riordan discusses his journey towards the Lover card in the Tarot, symbolizing the search for spiritual longing and partnership.
He shares an archetypal astrology reading where Lawrence Hillman interpreted his birth chart as embodying the trans archetype.
Riordan reflects on his journey from seeking completion and partnership externally to finding it within himself.
He connects this journey to the concept of Transubstantiation, where the Divine is inherent within everything.
The Hollow Bone and Mediator Role
Riordan describes himself as an empty, shapeless vessel transporting light wherever the wind wills.
He connects this to the concept of the hollow bone in shamanism, which clears obstacles from the path of communication to the Supreme Being.
Riordan reflects on the mediator role between words and images, as described in Jodorowsky's book.
He concludes by emphasizing the importance of words and images in creating reality and the expansive nature of archetypes.
Transcript (Listen):
This is cool and wild. This is surrealism. Now we're in the realm of surrealism, which is Jodorowsky realm, an abstraction of an abstraction. His study of the Tarot created its own thing, his giving words to images concretizing What was an abstraction. The Tarot is an abstraction of the consensus world. He gave form to that formless through his divination, exploration, deep dive with it. Now it's abstracted again. Wait now I'm receiving the messages from it. In creating this book, it created something concrete. It gave form to images. But it's also a work in itself that now has taken on its own life, its words, but its images, because I'm receiving his abstraction. Wait, this is so complicated. I'm receiving his concretization of something abstract, but that's his interpretation, and only he knows exactly what he means, and only he experienced it. So in me reading it, I'm re abstracting it. I'm taking the words that were made from images and making them images again, because I'm reading them and I'm receiving them through my senses, through a semi conscious realm, especially because I'm doing this like in the early morning, and hypnotic state,
not Bemushroomed yet. Well, sort of Amanita. Why do I think that doesn't count? Because yeah, doesn't matter. Only the tiny, one drop of Amanita, that counts. Yeah, I'm kind of in the dream realm receiving and I felt the book calling to me like the book [The Way of the Tarot by Jodorowsky] has now taken on a life of its own. The book is his recreation. So this is world building. This is quantum. This is creating a universe. He made his own universe of the Tarot. He created his own world of material. This is his interpretation, even if it's based on tons of research and tons of other sources, it's still through his lens. It's filtered through his container, through his prenda. So now it's become an abstraction again, and now I'm receiving it directly and translating it through my experience, but like it's become an archetypal force now, or has it? Or is it just that the archetypes are calling to me through his interpretation, or is it both? I think it's both, but this is like how surrealism is double alchemy, almost transfiguration. Dissociation, dissolution, trans substantiation, dissolution, reanimation and remix. What is the remix?
They say the book is always better than the movie, but that isn't true when it comes to fight club. I actually think the movie was better than the book. Maybe that's part of why that work spoke to me so much. It was an abstraction of Buddhism, but it made it into something accessible for a modern consumerist generation. With lots of repressed aggression and alienation. I put it in a language we could understand, and it opened me up to the spiritual realm. Through a movie that seemed like it was really masculine and about the material, it opened me up to the whole cosmos that started me on my world religions exploration. It opened me up to the feminine. Through Fight Club, that most masculine movie, it opened me up to the feminine. And there's something in this with Jodorowsky, like the Tarot, this very feminine, intuitive, generative thing. That a masculine experienced person has studied and translated and presented an interpretation that feels like very trans, which is really interesting. It's like the most trans thing I've read outside of actual trans writing. He just doesn't quite have that language for it, but he uses androgyne A lot, which is the same thing to me, like not literally, but in the way he's using it in this context. And kit is here accompany me. He's encouraged there. Wow, kit, sorry, I just misgendered you. I'm so sorry. Z is encouraging me. It's because I was just talking about dudes. I'm sorry. Z is saying, Yeah, that's part of me too. It's all part of me, okay. He okay. I know all pronouns are okay, but I don't want to use them all. Um, okay. I'm on the cusp of something. Yeah. It was just wild this morning, how the book called me. It was calling to me. I could hear the voices, and I felt like I should allow myself to be guided and pick a card from the full deck. So I put everything back in it, and I drew something out, and it didn't feel that resonant. It kind of felt like me trying and I got injustice, which was really interesting. But then when I looked up the cards that I had intentionally pulled out and put on my altar, like these are resonating like it was justice, which is 13 gone. Well, I don't know about 13, but it's con. I'm reading it right now. It's also the ancestor card in the Wildwood. It's about the beam that's the emissary between the worlds wisdom, the translator. Yeah, this is really Kan. That's the Pope. The Pope is the ancestor. Is Kan, the one who can be the greatest magician and sorcerer or the wisest elder and spiritual emissary,
The one who is seduced by power too easily, the one who teaches, who communicates their spiritual experience and it can also be an idealized spiritual figure, the guru that I attached too much to. The other cards that I intentionally placed on the altar were death and
the page of swords, which I haven't looked up yet, and from if the Pope spoke on page 154 I mean, this is The two con i am first and foremost mediator of myself between my Sublime spiritual nature and my most instinctive humanity. I have chosen to be the place where they interact. I am at the service of this communication between. In the high and low My mission is to unite apparent opposites. A bridge is not a country. It is merely a place of passage. It permits the circulation of the creative energies of this magnificently illusory phenomenon we call life. It is not by isolating myself, but by taking all paths that I am able to announce the good news. I mean, holy shit, I would have never guessed that the Pope was con. And, I mean, the Pope is too con. Specifically, I think that maybe an aspect so, because archetypes are complex, and so this makes me wonder, like, Can they even be expressed in one card? Are the archetypes larger? This is what I want to explore as part of all of this thesis too, is, are the archetypes? Because this can be part of the trans and emergent archetype discussion. Are they larger? I mean, they have to be larger than these symbols, right? Like I feel like Khan as an archetype. This is part of why I'm trying to feel into how astrology, the Western astrology system, the Maya astrology system and Tarot all interact to convey and experience how they all interact as tools of divination and devising, which is shamanism, which is being a hollow bone, just receiving the energies that are present and interpreting them through some kind of expression that people can understand, be it a play, be it a book, be it a drawing, whatever. And I feel like part of why the Maya system is so accurate is because it's really this marriage of the quantifiable and the abstract, because each day's energy combines a number, a specific, quantifiable measure. It's like the earthly, the form, with an archetype, an energy, something that is larger than one image, one number one description. So con is hugely expansive. 13 con is symbolized more by death, which is the card that kit shows which, yeah, is like the most trans. I got to find out what kids birthday is. Oh, my God, I can't believe I've never done 00. I'm gonna do that. Oh, they're excited about that. Um. But then the pope card, the ancestor, which is the steg, which is an Anita, which is the two cards. The two images I've had on my altar are death 13, the journey, the Crone, the calyux, the Raven in the ancestor the deer, the stag, the Shaman. This is heaven and earth. This is Moon and Sun, night world, day world. Maybe I don't know they're both kind of night energies.
these two images are really potent for a reason, and this is depth psychology, and this is self healing, is following the image, following the feeling. So I'm going with it, and we're following this trail, and we're trusting these images, and we're trusting these methods and methodologies. And so it's like interesting though, the layers of abstraction, because there's the Tarot, and then there's Jodorowsky taro book, there's these archetypes, and then there's these artistic renditions of the Celtic spirits that are on my altar, you know, but this is kind of what I'm saying. The images capture aspects of the archetypes in that moment that are larger and more expansive. And I think the Maya system, I don't know, the way, I guess the Tarot uses a number and image too. Anyways, this is something to explore, but there feels something more accurate to me that my assistant feels more expansive. Anyways, it's just so cool that today. Is too con and the ancestor card that it was called to look up that I heard like heard almost in human language, the book itself calling to me, saying, Look up the cards that are already on your altar. I
and this is writing, as drawing. Drawing as writing, as Anthi talks about, this is the images animating themselves, forming a reality constituted by language and of course, the pope moves towards the lover. The next card is the lover. My journey realizing that, yeah, the search for the spiritual longing for the partnership, starts within the lover within. I'm searching for it outside and inside myself, as Lawrence Hillman told me in my archetypal astrology reading the other day, yes, son of James Hillman, who interpreted the snapshot of the sky on the day I was born and looked at that correspondence and said that I am the living embodiment of the trans archetype, essentially because I represent this shift from Pisces to Aquarius, because I started my journey looking for completion and partnership and romance, even if you will, In Jesus, and then that reality was stripped for me, and I thought it was my mom, and then that reality was stripped for me, and then I looked for it in lovers, and then that reality was stripped for me, and then I realized that it was within, and that by going within, I found the oneness in the poly, in the queer and the Yeah. The Transubstantiation of the Divine into everything. No, this reality is a Transubstantiation of the Divine that already is inherent within everything. And that's what archetypal astrology is, and that's what correspondence is, and that's what all these symbol systems are. They're just reflecting that everything is an infinite facet of the same diamond. The Pope is also the shaman the hollow bone, because it talks about clearing all obstacles from a path of communication to the Supreme Being. Oh, my God. In this Jodorowsky book, I am an empty, shapeless vessel that transports the lights wherever the wind wills. I mean, I almost wrote this word for word the other day, and that's the hollow bone to find. Okay, in the last line of this entry, I am the final frontier between words and the unthinkable language creating reality, words versus images, the Pope, the shaman, the hollow bone as the mediator between the words and the images and.
Working on:
Cacao zine and related content outreach/education
Save the Hackney baths campaign: collecting testimonials and creating pitch deck about the Baths as a self-/community healing centre
Volunteer work with Ecstatic Dance UK
Meetings/outreach in progress or to schedule:
Danielle Brathwaite-Shirley
Follow up with Avril Corroon re: early April, Dublin residencies and Phil McCrilly re: spring Belfast visit
Flavia Davila
Visit Bishopsgate archives for Albanz work before end of Jan
Sources/building upon the work of:
depth psychology (Jung, J. Hillman, Tarnas, )
archetypal and astrological studies (J. Hillman, L. Hillman, Levine, Tarnas)
classics/anthropology and herbalism/ethnobotany/psychedelics (McKenna, Kilindi Iyi, Ritter, Sherman-Lewis, Gutierrez, Muraresku, Valamoti, Arnold, McGovern, Plotkin)
Jodorowsky’s Psychomagic and Tarot
practice-based research by performers, visual artists, and artist-chefs who represent the queer/trans/diverse perspective (Albanz, Besse, Brathwaite-Shirley, Corroon, Danowski, Davila, McGrady, Muholi, McCrilly, Pacleb)
principles/framework of Integral Theory/Spiral Dynamics (Ken Wilber) and morphic resonance (Rupert Sheldrake)
ancient and Indigenous cosmologies (Elmy, Gutierrez, Ritter, Sherman-Lewis, direct sources/experience)
trauma healing methodologies/research (De la Rosa, Maté, Schwartz)
Danielle Brathwaite-Shirley
https://www.daniellebrathwaiteshirley.com/i-cant-remember-a-time-i-didnt-need
Bits for progress report/thesis
where each stage of evolution of any system involves transcending and including the previous one, and the “laws” of nature are habits or suggestions in a universe constantly changing and in motion
Everything is a microcosm of the macrocosm, so healing our collective trauma starts by healing ourselves.
Inclusion has to come before transcendence, both on an individual and collective level. We must welcome the rejected/shadow parts back home to become whole
In many ways a continuation of Kit Danowski’s work on performing with the dead using adapted African ancestral practices–fusing this with archetypal/depth psychology and astrology as well as IFS and psychodramatic/devising techniques. Invoking plant medicine and interpreted through the AI to create a methodology of cyberdelic gonzo autoethnography and transpersonal creative divination and performance devising.
It is spirit possession–like Danowski’s method involves invoking the orishas, I invoke the archetypes, natural world, plants/mushrooms, and parts of self.
It is death medicine and underworld work, literally and figuratively invoking the dead and working in darkness. Much of this work takes place at night.
Formal research studies on ecstatic dance? Amanita muscaria? Cacao? Basically nothing has been done on this
Intersection of art, psychology, language-as-reality, consciousness: surrealism as the abstraction of mind; impressionism as the abstraction of matter
Highlights:
It's about working with the energies that are already present, whether it's the archetypes or our feelings.
Amanita and Cacao, Datura and all these death plants, demonized and blamed for people's problems. To say that they made us sick or crazy is like saying somebody made us angry. No, this isn't how it works. No one can make us anything. It's about working with the energies that are already present, whether it's the archetypes or our feelings. And now I see what Jung meant by the archetypes possess us. We are just vessels for the vibrations that are already present, the vibration of anger, the vibration of war, whether it's people or planets, we're all just big fucking particles, the cultures with ancient roots do the same thing. God, what the fuck does that say? Oh, all the cultures with ancient roots do the same things for a reason, because there's universal resonance. The anger is present. Someone didn't make me angry, just like mercury didn't make me just like Mercury's placement on the day I incarnate, it didn't make me a good communicator. The energy of communication was present in the sky, Mercury Hermes was possessing the particles, possessing both my corpus and the planetary alignments at this precise moment. And this is even why astrology is sort of a mindfulness practice, really, is that it's just tuning in being present to what's happening, to what's resonating, whether in the cosmos or your own body, it's a correspondence, it's a reflection. And now this is what was so cool. This morning, I see exactly how my work is an extension, directly, of Kit’s. Now it makes sense, because it's all possession. It's all spirit possession, whether calling in an Orisha or invoking archetype, they're just languaging for the same thing as above, so below in this dimension, as in the other realm, we're just reflecting what's already present, emitting the same resonant frequency and. It's all possession. Celtic, Maya, syncretic, Shipibo, Buddhist, it's all just ways of letting myself be consumed by the energies that are showing up in that moment.
So are both just using different methods of devising. What's already here?
I've come up with stories about all these things in my head, but I don't think I've asked the parts directly, and that's the point of this whole thing. Direct experience, direct conversation, direct communication, whether it's a tree or a plant or a past part of self or a part of your body or a cancer cell, what are you trying to tell me?
I tried to keep my body, my spinal column, straight. And I realized that I was afraid to do that. I was afraid to stand up straight. I was afraid to bear my own weight. I was afraid to put weight on my legs. I've always been afraid to put weight on my legs, specifically my glutes. Why have I been afraid to put weight on my glutes? It's so wild, like feeling in the legs is scary, and I don't quite understand why yet, but yeah, as I did this, I asked the toes why they were numb, and they said it came from the pelvis, and the pelvis told me, You never even asked me what I. Was trying to tell you, and it reminded me of my own words at the hospital after I tried to kill myself. The phrase that probably honestly kept me out of the psych ward is when I mumbled. They asked why I did it, and they said I just wanted him to listen to me
Slow it down, explode it out. Crawl inside. space and time are not what we think they are. We can manipulate them. We can bend them. We can get inside them. Yeah, oh, no. There's more dimensions than we see present. We don't have to accept what we've been given. And there is more space, and there is more time, and there is more expansion, and I do think more DMT production. I don't care if there's data on it or not, but I do need to find out about that
if you are what makes you angry, if you are only triggered based on something that's within you, then I'm mad at myself for keeping myself prisoner in a woman's body, quote, unquote, in a feminine performance, in a victim story, in those horrible relationships in the house of horrors in Austin and all these prisons. So I love you. Please forgive me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for giving my body away to people who didn't deserve it. I'm sorry for not respecting my own boundaries and borders. No wonder I'm mad at the UK for imposing theirs on me. I haven't respected my own, I let so many people in that didn't deserve it, just because I didn't want to go home alone to that apartment and face myself. It's so funny now it's like, I can't get enough time alone.
it's so deeply human. I haven't wanted to be one. I haven't wanted to be a person. I wasn't able to listen to the pelvis because it was scary as fuck, and I still wasn't safe in California. This is a powerful archetype possessing me. It is almost the power of Saq ‘Iq, the hurricane, the Junjapu, is it Aries? Is it Pluto? The war inside me, the two sides trying to fall separately, the underworld Journey rising up to meet me. It's powerful. It threw me from my bike, and I was afraid to fully engage with it in California when I didn't have the support I needed.
my bones want to go home to Ireland. My bones want to go home. That's what I was hearing. My bones want to go home, and I think it's dark. I don't know there's something powerful ancestral calling me, but England is home too, and and so I kept thinking last night of the enclosures and the connection between African and Irish cultures. And I need to research that more the two sides of myself are at war, the English and the Irish, the Protestant, the Catholics, the subjugated and the conquerors, the imperialists, the whole freaking world, two sides of my body trying to fall two separate ways. And interestingly, dad is representing the opposite of what you'd think Dad is the intuitive, generative side, the artists longing to be seen, the bones, longing to reconnect with the ancestral legacy in the druidic forest. Mom is the side of the conquerors and the colonists. They were the freaking Protestant preachers trying to force their religion on everyone, just like that Blake story. Urizen.
he didn't give me an Irish name, and it felt like everyone else in the family had one, and I never felt like I belonged with them. Me and Amber were the only ones, the black sheep of the family. The rejection by the regans really fucking hurt me. Because it was a rejection of my legacy, my ancestry, the only clear tie I had. No wonder I was obsessed with the Lion King. I was the rightful heir to the throne, the eldest son of the O Regan's but I was denied three times, like Jesus, by name, my lineage and my manhood.
The Celts had sacred altars and Portal places where they created altars and made offerings, and they tracked the cycles of time and they kept fires all of this, just like the Maya. And supposedly they even had a beverage. It was kind of like cacao.
They took our land from us, the colonists. And we are the earth, and so to take our lands is to take our personhood, our identity, to dissolve, to dissociate us from our physical environment. They created enclosures and created private property, and they took our land from us and said we weren't even Welcome on it. They took everyone's land all over the earth. The English enslaved the whole world. Every time I go to dance, there's always some moment where I really feel that African, Irish connection coming through so strongly and resonant. And sometimes I wonder why I'm trying to live in the land of the colonizers, and I don't know all the places I'm trying to get visas, or the lands of the colonizers, the Brits, the Dutch and the Germans. So I need to look more at Ireland, and there's something really resonating and really vibrating on my body when Kaz was talking about the Irish artist visa, and Dublin's always calling, and Kaz a story about getting a Colombian visa, made me see that it was possible. So I made up a story about why it couldn't happen. But Kaz shows me that magic is possible. And I've always felt that if I could just talk to someone in person and look at a fellow Irishman in the eyes and appeal to them on a human level, that they would make an exception.