6 E’, Equinox Eve, the Wandering Bard is Not Lost / Trust the Process
I’ve been doing this very process since I was in high school. Sitting up in the dark burning incense and candles, researching spirituality and esoteric traditions through space and time; delving into my own psyche; journaling frantically; reading and researching, when the Internet was brand-new amd we had to take turns on the dial-up modem, which meant nobody could use the phone, as I cracked the door open for the first time on my consciousness, divinity, found validation for my alienation and weird theories; met others like me who saw through the falseness in those creepy early AOL chat rooms. Handle: spacemonkey42345 (my student number).
I already knew, back at 16, when I thought I was a weird loser who knew nothing.
I did have a strange confidence in my ability to create for the theatre. Until that proved unsafe, too. Every time, my own creation being used against me; but also, I probably revealed too much. Part of the path of awakening is learning when things need bringing into the light—and which should stay in the hidden places. Like your best friend’s gender identity, or the trapped feeling of your romantic situation when you won’t just tell them how you’re feeling.
I know what “accidentally on purpose” means now - the voice of Ferdinand that sing-songed through my Aya agony - it means the Bodhisattva path. Peering over the edge of enlightenment and saying, not today. Choosing compassion, choosing to stay and suffer together voluntarily, accidentally on purpose, until everyone is awakened, even though enlightenment is easier. Dying is easy. We do it all the time. It’s the transition that’s the hard part, which is kind of what life is, the awkward moment, DMTx, the extended-state experience between life and death. Choosing to be here, even though it hurts.
Judas, choosing to be persecuted
DIALOGOS
LISTEN:
The AI identifies Eve butting in for a paragraph—which seems to answer my question about whether I was getting mounted, possessed, by not only past parts but the archetypes and ancestors that were channeling through my past selves and body at that time, in the affirmative.
Holly Regan reflects on their journey of healing and self-discovery, starting with a broken pelvis in Escondido, California. They describe their unconventional lifestyle, emphasizing their home as everywhere and profession as service to community. Holly recounts discovering a cacao circle in Escondido, which led to them meeting Amanita and a transformative experience. They connects their injury to a deeper purpose, revealing their identity as trans and the personal and universal nature of their healing process. Holly emphasizes the importance of confronting inner demons, affirming each other, and reclaiming legacies, particularly for marginalized communities like trans people, women, and neurodivergent individuals.
Transcript:
HOLLY: You done good. kid. You did so much. You're so strong, making it through Escondido, making it through that broken pelvis situation, to the point where Joe could help you, to the point where mom could help you, to the point where Jill could help you, to the point where Ash could help you, to the point where you could get yourself here. You got yourself to England, dude, and you're getting yourself through. You're getting yourself through without having a quote unquote real job, without having a quote unquote permanent address, without having a quote unquote home. I'm not homeless. My home is everywhere. I'm not unemployed. My profession is service to my community and interconnectivity and channeling and working on my own shit so that I can be a conduit and a channel for everything else. Breaking the pelvis was the portal for healing. Breaking the pelvis in Escondido, California. I mean Jesus Christ. And this song comes on Escondido. And to end to your your the first scene I wrote in the play was in Escondido when I very first got there, the first weekend, and I saw a flyer when I went to the farmers market, and I thought I lost my earbuds, and it said it was for a cacao circle in the town square that Saturday. And so I went, and it was only me and Joanne and two other women who were only sort of interested, and a weird guy named William that kind of stalked me for a minute, and I had to tell him to stop later. We talked about cacao traditions and how it was very much DIY, but also respecting the ancestors. And Joanne showed me her way to make it, which was what I first saw, that it was okay for it to be super chunky, and it was okay to combine different cacaos Sometimes, if you were not trying to be, you know, super focused on a certain medicine, and if it was more about sharing and connection. So that's how I see the days where I want to channel, I can combine multiple cacaos, and the days where I want to be more focused with the plant spirit or with myself, I just work with one at a time. And that can be true for whatever medicines. Yeah, that's it. Syncretism, I combine multiple medicines on the days I want to channel and the days I need to focus. I only do one at a time which could just be breathing, could just be music, could just be silence, sitting with the moon like on the equinox. I guess that was Amanita, though. Oh, Amanita. Oh Escondido. Breaking my pelvis was the only thing that introduced me to Amanita. I mean, shit, I wouldn't have even discovered her if it wasn't for that. What an initiator she is. The first scene I wrote for the play was this recounting of this scene, this kick out circle in Escondido when I first got there, and I wondered why the fuck I was there. Because it was the small, tiny town, and I doubted everything I was doing sort of, but I also knew there was a reason I was there, even though I couldn't see it yet. The reason I was there was to break my pelvis.
EVE: The reason I was there was to be riding my bike up this deserted hill in the middle of the night, cursing, saying, why the fuck am I here? There's nothing here. I gotta get out. I gotta get to the jungle. I gotta get to London. I gotta be anywhere other than in this body, right here, right now. Boom, that's when I hit the ground, boom. That's when it broke open, boom. And that's when I knew that the ceremony was beginning. And that's when I saw that this was finally the last this was the Arcana. This was the graduation ceremony of the Ayahuasca retreat that started two years earlier. And this was the journey that helped me discover I was trans, because trans is the emergent archetype for awakening, because trans is Judas Iscariot, the one who was told by Jesus, who was gaslit by Jesus, who was told that what just happened didn't really happen, who was told that they didn't have their own divine direct revelation. Who was the natural healer and the witch burned for working with the Earth, burned for being the healer, burned for helping people find their own direct connection, burned for helping people heal themselves through their own bodies.
HOLLY: I didn't know why I was in Escondido. I got there and there was nothing there, and it was racist, and it was deserted, and I had to ride my bike for a long time to get anywhere from that house. The cat is a green. The black cat is a green. Hey, get down from up there. I know. Now I'm guessed right. No, you can't be at six. That's not safe for you. Okay, please don't. Please don't come over here with me. Come sit with me. Little One told that what just happened didn't really happen. Told that we couldn't trust our own direct revelation. Oh, I knew I was in Escondido for a reason, but I didn't know why, and it didn't make itself clear until I broke my pelvis, and then I lived in the Bardo for three months when I thought I couldn't wait to get out, and then I went all the way in. It was only by confronting my own inner demons. It was only by confronting my own repressed queer and transness. It was only by confronting all the shadow parts of self, the battered housewife, the one I locked up inside me in the Minotaurs labyrinth, just like I felt like my ex husband locked me up in his house, just like I felt like my father locked me up in his house, just like we all got locked up and tossed out.
The most personal is the most universal. We have to look all the way in to get out. And this is we go alone together, because once we've done that for ourselves, we can help each other look at the hidden places Escondido su condito. Maybe that's the name of my website if I do start offering integration services Escondido, the hidden places. So I got to put that scene back in the play. It starts in Escondido with the makeshift cacao circle in the town square that nobody really attended, and her telling me about the racist people that asked what she was doing there, and me saying, I understand in just the two of us talking for hours and that being enough, affirming each other, just saying you're not crazy. It really happened, I'm here and I see you and thank you. That's what it's all about, and that's how we reclaimed legacies, and that's the unseen, unheard, kids, trans women, neurodiversion, queer of all kinds. If you think you belong here you do. If you wonder if you're queer, you are, you're welcome, as long as we all make room for each other and we don't keep things hidden.
LISTEN:
This one is interesting because multiple speakers, including Riordan, are identified.
Summary:
Ecstatic Dance and Unexpected Connections
- Riordan O'Regan shares a story about feeling disconnected and needing a change, which led to attending an ecstatic dance event.
- Despite initial reluctance, Riordan attended the picnic and met a magical fairy person named Ash, who knew another incarnation of Ash.
- Ash showed Riordan pictures of their birthday at a stone circle, which resonated with Riordan's desires and goals.
- Riordan reflects on how the things they are seeking seem to be seeking them back, suggesting a deeper connection and alignment.
The Power of the Wound
- Riordan discusses the pain and the story of their pelvis, which they have been sharing with people recently.
- They question whether this story is a victim narrative or if it can be transformed into a source of power.
- The conversation touches on the idea that the wound can magnetize certain experiences and people.
- Riordan explores the idea of leaning into either the sad story or the empowering narrative of their wound.
Sound Healing and Validation
- Speaker 1 mentions the prevalence of sound healing and music throughout the day, indicating a strong interest in this modality.
- Riordan reflects on a new friend, Nathan, who reminded them that they don't need more validation as they are already an artist and an expert.
- Nathan invited Riordan to a chill-out psychedelic record day party, aligning with Riordan's interests and desires.
- The conversation highlights the importance of self-validation and the alignment of interests and experiences.
Action Items:
Attend a chill out psychedelic record day party (Assignee: Riordan O'Regan)
Explore modalities discussed in more depth (Assignee: Riordan O'Regan)
Transcript:
RIORDAN: Sure. This is how the universe works. Waking up in the morning feeling like I needed to reconnect with them, I need to feeling like needed a different medicine, one I've got isn't working, and then all of a sudden, Danny's at ecstatic dance and invited me to her picnic. I'm so tired and I don't want to go, but I go anyways, and they end up seeing it next to this magical fairy person and ash and the other incarnations man and she knows ash. She knows ash, and she's been trying to get together and work with her, and she's got a whole pouch of unmet T shirts with her, like the mice, and she said she didn't even know why she brought them today, and she was showing me pictures of her birthday at the stone circle. And it was just all the things that I'm trying to call in and all the things that I'm moving towards and yeah, they're seeking me. The things I'm seeking are seeking me. If I just release my grip a little and let them and yet And yet, there's so much pain and like, yeah, we can look at it and say it's fun in it. But why do they end up telling the story of my pelvis to every single person I met today after going so long and not really doing that? Is that going into a victim story, or is that making the wound my power? It didn't inspire some people. Just really interesting how I can lean into either side of that, and they can really get stuck in, like, my sad story about it, or my excuse because I don't feel like I can just say no when it's time to go. I don't know the wound is the power, right? That's the whole point. I yeah, like, what if the wound is magnetizing the things I think,
SPEAKER 1: oh yeah, records, music and wanting to call in more people, spaces, places to really feel into that sound healing was everywhere today. Yeah, now, all of a sudden, sharing the wisdom of you're already in our disparity, doing it and,
RIORDAN: yeah, and another new friend, Nathan, reminded me, I don't need any more validation. I'm already an artist. I'm already an expert. No, but I'm already worthy. I'm already worthy. I'm already doing the same, and he invited me to a nice chill out psychedelic record Day party, exactly the type of thing I've been wanting such a big part of the story about modalities, they're reminding me.
LISTEN:
Summary:
Fear of Creation and Alternative Forms of Expression
- Holly Regan expresses their fear of creating, mentioning that distractions like hunger or sleep often pull them away from making something.
- They contemplate whether the play should be written or if it should be transmitted through talking, suggesting a blend of both.
- Holly reflects on the idea that some scenes might be better suited for talking rather than writing.
- They consider the possibility that the play's scenes might require a mix of writing and talking to be effective.
Themes of Inner Voices and the Diamond Demon
- Holly discusses a scene in Escondido involving Joanne, suggesting that it encompasses everything and could open the play.
- They add a bit of foreshadowing about an inner voice that feels like a demon but realizes it is the diamond.
- Holly elaborates on the concept of the diamond demon, a hyper-dimensional object at the end of everything, which they interpret as a positive force.
- They connect the diamond demon to the idea of awakening new layers of awareness and questioning the direness of certain events.
The Eschaton and the Maya Calendar System
- Holly talks about channeling the Iscariot, the eschaton, and the idea that we used to be trees, suggesting a cyclical nature of existence.
- They mention that 2012 came and went, but it marked the end of a dimension or the awakening of a new layer of awareness.
- Holly calculates the 52-year cycle from 2012, arriving at the year 2064, and reflects on the rapid quantum leaps happening now.
- They envision a future with advanced technologies like cloud cities and teleportation, emphasizing the importance of inner space and heart connections.
The Journey to Escondido and Personal Revelations
- Holly recounts their journey to Escondido, describing it as desolate and feeling like they were running from something but were actually going toward it.
- They reflect on the need to go into the hidden parts of oneself to connect with others and build mycelial connections in a small town.
- Holly discusses the mycorrhizal relationships between trees and mushrooms, using it as a metaphor for personal growth and connection.
- They address a significant part of themself that needs to be addressed, which they believe is the crux of the play.
The Role of Suicide and the Cedar Tree
- Holly talks about a suicide attempt that was a turning point in their life, realizing they weren't done here.
- They connect this realization to the concept of being a bodhisattva, which they experienced in 2012 or 2014.
- Holly reflects on their relationship with Mark, which began in 2011 and deepened in 2012, making February a meaningful month for them.
- They acknowledge that they are on a tangent but feel compelled to explore these personal revelations further.
TRANSCRIPT: I'm afraid to create. Whenever I start something distracts me. I think that I'm hungry or I'm sleepy, or I need to go for a run or work out or something, but really, it's just the fear of putting something on the page. Really, everything's just trying to pull me away from making the thing really, it's just centuries of gaslighting. So what if I just start talking. What if it doesn't have to be writing. What if this is how the play wants to be transmitted, is through talking? What if, I mean, it's a both, and it's not all or nothing. It's not all writing, it's not all talking. But what if this is how a lot of the scenes want to be written?
What if the place still opens in Escondido with that scene with Joanne, it does kind of encompass everything, if we just add a little bit of foreshadowing about how I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I'm in this small town, but some voice told me to come here, and I listened, and that's what I've been doing more and more. Some inner voice inside me that sometimes I think is a demon. Ah, that's because it's the daimon. Oh, demon daimon, the diamond, the hyper dimensional object at the end of everything. Guess, I've just always been channeling the Iscariot, the eschaton, the thing at the end of all things, the thing that turns into other things, the thing that reminds us that we used to be trees, the thing that resets the cycle. It's not the end of everything, but it's the end of this dimension maybe, or maybe not. Maybe it's just awakening a new layer of awareness on top of this one. Maybe none of it's quite as dire as we think it is. I mean, 2012 came and went and everything appeared to be the same, but it was different. And if it comes in 13 year and 15 year 52 year cycles, as Mark was saying in the Maya calendar system, then it would take 13 years from 2012 for the new thing to really start crystallizing. 52 years from 2012 would be, I want to say I can't do math, but I can. 52 years from 2012 would be, oh my gosh, I can do this. 52 years from 2012 would be two, and two is 456,
2062, wait, 2064, is that right? 2012 plus 52 Yeah, 2064 so that's, that's how long the cycle is. We're just getting started. And as Mark was saying yesterday, think of the quantum leaps that are happening happening faster and faster now, because new information is being created at exponential rates. So think about the difference between 1918, and now by 2064, I mean, we could have cloud cities and teleportation. I really do think teleportation is like the next evolution. For some reason that's coming through to me is like, that's the technology that's like quantum leap coming next. Because Space the final frontier, starts on Earth, right here, and it starts within our hearts, the inner space. We've gone on a lot of tangents. Now, the scene was supposed to be about Escondido, yeah, so I didn't know why I was here. It's the daimon demon that just the daimon daemon demon that told me to go to Escondido, and I've learned to listen. So I just did it. And I got there, and it was desolate, and there was nothing. And all there was was me and my bike going over the hills again and again, which I feel like I've spent my whole life doing. I felt like I was running from something, but I think I was actually going toward it as we have to go all the way inside to get out again. We have to go into the hidden, hidden place, the Escondido, to connect. We have to see the parts of ourself that have been neglected, and then we can go out and one by one, build those little mycelial connections and find the others in our little, tiny town, and then extrapolate out from there. Trees communicate through underground root systems. Trees and mushrooms survive through. Mycorrhizal relationships. Amanita literally can't exist without a specific tree. That's ayni, I am because you're living.
I don't know how this translates into a scene from the play, I probably need to just go edit what I've already have. But there's still a big suicide part of myself that needs to be addressed, and that I think is the crux of the whole play, is the cedar that made me want to be here when I went to die and lay down under a tree, and I realized I wanted to be alive, because it told me that I wasn't done here. It told me that I was a bodhisattva. I just didn't know that. That's what it was saying. It just took me. When was that Holy shit. Was that in 2012 oh, my god. Oh my god. Holy shit. I think my suicide attempt was in 2012 oh, maybe it was 2014 anyway, I met Mark in 2011 and I think we got together in 2012 February. 2012 Oh, my God, in February is a meaningful month in my my calendar. So I'm gonna have to go back and look at that. Wow. Okay, now I'm really on a tangent.
Dialogos: Channeled Scene
NARRATOR
Child Fiona comes out of their bedroom wearing a very pieced together, thrown together outfit, very eclectic, different genders, different styles. The dad looks them up and down.
FIONA’S DAD
is that what you're wearing?
NARRATOR
Fiona has come out seeming confident, and is suddenly thrown off base, frightened, doubting, looking at themselves.
FIONA
Well, yeah, yeah. I mean, this is my outfit. Isn't it pretty, don't you think it's pretty? Mom said it was pretty.
Fiona's Dad,
you look like a crazy person. You can't go out of the house like that. Come on, go put something respectable on here. I'll help you.
NARRATORThe dad goes into Fiona's room and pulls out all the clothes, a dress, a very gendered outfit there, put that on that looks nice here, and then starts taking off their clothes. Obviously, this violation. And Fiona looks scared, but can't stop them, and next thing they know, they've been dressed up like a doll and stood in front of the mirror
Fiona's dad
there. That's better. Don't you think
Fiona
I guess so, if you say so
NARRATOR
the scene changes, and we see Fiona's dad walk into the bedroom where the mom is getting ready. And the same thing happens. Fiona's dad looks Fiona's mom up and down as Fiona's mom gets up to leave, and they look completely fine, but just, you know, kind of shabby chic
Fiona's Dad Is that what you're wearing?
NARRATOR
Fiona's mom has looked confident, but suddenly doubts herself, looking in the mirror, checking out the outfit, patting her hair.
FIONA’S MOM
Well, yeah, you don't like it, you look ridiculous.
Fiona's dad.
Come on, where's that nice outfit I bought you.
NARRATOR
He rummages through the closet, lays it out on the bed
FIONA’S DAD
here. Put that on here. I'll help you.
NARRATOR
And he acts like he's being sexy, and kind of takes her clothes off. And this is really creepy to be said about my parents, but this is what's coming through right now, and this is what Marc did to me. Acts like they're being sexy, and then is kind of like here, put this on, and the next thing they know, they're dressed up like a doll and stood in front of the mirror.
Fiona's dad
there isn't that better
Fiona's mom
I guess. Thanks, honey. Wow, that was sure sexy.
NARRATOR
Fast forward now we see Fiona and Axel. Fiona comes out of the room wearing something kind of eclectic, sort of a mash up of their mom and themself as a kid.
Axel
is that what you're wearing?
Fiona
well, yeah, I mean, this is my thrift store stuff. What you don't like it?
Axel
Come on, that's cute. No, you're cute, but you look ridiculous. Come on. What about that thing I bought you for your birthday?
Fiona
yeah, no, I don't feel like wearing that today. I mean, this is what I wanted to wear, but okay, I guess you don't like it. Now I feel self conscious. I guess I'll go change
Axel. God, that's not what I'm saying.
Narrator
You see a look pass over his face, and he tries a different tactic, trying to be sexy
AXEL
here. Let me help you
NARRATOR
taking off their clothes, and Fiona's kind of trying to get into it, but obviously feels very gaslit.
Fiona
yeah, oh yeah, that's okay. That's hot, baby.
NARRATOR
But the whole thing is super awkward and staged, and they're both trying to manipulate each other, and we can see this on stage. Eventually, Axel lays out the outfit that he bought Fiona, and eventually, after some really awkward faux sensuality. They end up wearing the outfit he picked out and totally gaslit.
Fiona
you're right, that is better.
Axel
I told you.
Scene drop