Food, sex, and death / Hot for the moon + knowledge
Is there anything more human than feeding? I think eating is more vulnerable than coming. It’s admitting you have a body, you’re a machine that needs fueling. Pete Holmes says that he thinks there’s nothing sadder than the act of eating alone, someone succumbing to the demands of the system, I have to turn this food into energy so I don’t die, how pathetic.
I have to turn these plants into information. Fascinating. I love the feeling when things that stuck in my consciousness ages ago come back around and start to reveal themselves, like a years-long striptease, so tantalizing, I actually am getting turned on by the fact that the phrase “light information” and that Chad Van Gaalen album lodged themselves in my awareness as important ages ago is starting to make sense as part of some larger framework. Eros awakened by the Gnosis.
Yeah, I really think there’s something to this idea that part of the evolution to the next dimension involves switching from food to light information. And yet. Then we’ll lose the sensory pleasure of eating and drinking, because even if it’s just a symbol for the thing it can be so fun and satisfying, it gives us other kinds of information about place and time — it gives us information about SPACE — humans as bodies in space, Ralph emphasizes it as part of the practice of Tonglen, opening yourself to the awareness of the physical area around and inside and within and behind your matter. And Earth is a place, earth is space and material even as it’s cosmic and astral. Placemaking is how we define ourselves as people — the primary shaper of differences between people and cultures is the physical environment and our adaptations to it, we develop through nature and nurture, the ecosystem and our responses.
It’s all a rehearsal for transcendence, a practice for moving beyond it, but even if it’s just a game, that’s fun, innit? Don’t you kinda love it?
Hot for the Moon and the Calendar
Riordan Regan reflects on their recent experiences with sexuality, existential kink, and spirituality, drawing connections between personal growth, historical events, and cultural influences. They discuss the impact of cacao and chocolate on their sexual desires, the role of pleasure in reducing consumption and violence, and the importance of sensory learning. Regan also explores the historical significance of the Ides of March, drawing parallels to modern societal issues and the desire for dominance. They express a longing to reconnect with pagan practices and the natural world, emphasizing the need for embodied, sensory experiences to ground spiritual knowledge.
Action Items
[] Explore pagan practices and the Wheel of the Year during an upcoming trip to Ireland.
[] Reflect on the concept of "rejection kink" and why the speaker is drawn to missed opportunities.
[] Experiment with using cacao as a way to ground spiritual experiences in the body.
Outline
Exploring the Nature of Worship and Veneration
Speaker 1 discusses the historical context of worshipping entities that couldn't be perceived with the senses, emphasizing the shift from worship to veneration.
Riordan Regan reflects on the concept of veneration, suggesting it involves changing the definition of what is considered sacred.
The conversation touches on the idea of “widening the ‘I’” and the experience of allowing oneself to be sexual.
Riordan Regan shares a personal experience of being sexual for the first time in years and its impact on their mind and body.
Existential Kink and Pleasure
Riordan Regan talks about the existential kink and its connection to a past injury, noting its reemergence.
They mention three separate people bringing up the concept of I, K, S, K, Berlin to them, which they were reading about before an event.
Riordan Regan reflects on the idea that more pleasure in the body would reduce consumption, war, and abuse, and how this influenced their behavior.
They describe their experience of being part of a group and fulfilling others' needs, noting a lack of interest in their own pleasure.
Selfless Sexual Interaction and Cacao
Riordan Regan questions if their recent sexual interaction was the first truly selfless one in their life.
They discuss the role of cacao and chocolate as replacements for sexual sustenance, suggesting a higher expression of the same energy.
Riordan Regan shares their experience of consciously dissociating and engaging with Damiana at the temple, noting the subtle effects.
They reflect on the desire to be part of a group and the feeling of safety, without strong physical attraction.
Cultural and Historical Reflections
Riordan Regan draws parallels between the Ides of March and the assassination of Julius Caesar, noting the Roman calendar's lunar cycles.
They discuss the historical context of March as the beginning of the new year and its subsequent dark reputation.
Riordan Regan reflects on the legacy of Catholic guilt and the impact of social anxiety and awkwardness.
They mention the calendar's influence on their consciousness and the significance of the Ides of March.
Spirituality and Embodiment
Riordan Regan explores the idea of spiritual satisfaction reducing the body's need for sex, questioning if it's denial or bypassing.
They discuss the influence of Catholic guilt and the story of social anxiety, tracing it back to their Irish legacy.
Riordan Regan reflects on the importance of being in alignment with natural cycles and the desire to reconnect with the cosmic cycles.
They express excitement about connecting with pagan practices in Ireland and the vision of themselves as part of the natural world.
Rejection and Existential Kink
Riordan Regan shares their reaction to being rejected from an event, noting the existential kink of rejection and devaluation.
They reflect on the human tendency to want what they can't have and the desire to run naked in the forest.
Riordan Regan discusses the importance of being of service and the potential for research to be another form of consumption.
They emphasize the need for experiential learning and the role of the body in grounding knowledge.
Cacao and Embodiment
Riordan Regan reflects on the importance of cacao in their practice, noting its role in grounding spiritual experiences.
They discuss the challenge of connecting without cacao and the abstract nature of spiritual practices without a somatic component.
Riordan Regan shares their experience of sitting in front of an altar and the need for something to bridge the realms.
They reframe the cacao story, emphasizing its importance in grounding spiritual experiences.
Transhumanism and Embodiment
Riordan Regan discusses the origins of transhumanism and the goal of technology and psychedelics to make humans more human, not less.
They reflect on the importance of embracing the body and the sensory experience in learning and spiritual practices.
Riordan Regan shares their experience of being deprived of senses in the Great Pyramid and the impact on their understanding of transhumanism.
They emphasize the role of trans people as shamans and alchemists, embracing the sexiness of death and decomposition.
The Role of the Body in Knowledge
Riordan Regan reflects on the importance of grounding knowledge in the body for long-term retention.
They discuss the origins of writing and its role in depriving people of their sensory experiences.
Riordan Regan shares their experience of sitting in darkness in the Great Pyramid and the impact on their understanding of transhumanism.
They emphasize the need for experiential learning and the role of the body in grounding knowledge.
Embracing the Sensory Experience
Riordan Regan discusses the importance of making learning sensory and grounding it in the body.
They reflect on the role of the senses in remembering and the impact of depriving people of their senses.
Riordan Regan shares their experience of being in the darkness in the Great Pyramid and the impact on their understanding of transhumanism.
They emphasize the need for experiential learning and the role of the body in grounding knowledge.
LISTEN HERE / DIALOGOS:
THE ANTHROPOLOGIST: “Ancestor worship,” because they couldn't conceive of having a relationship with something you couldn't see or perceive with the senses. Veneration.
They said it was worship. They said we made them deities, but really we just realized they were entities like any other we could communicate
RIORDAN: with beyond the borders and the confines of our minds and bodies, changing the definition of what counts as living, (DIRECTOR’S NOTE: This is fascinating that Otter detects me as switching characters midsentence)
THE ANTHROPOLOGIST: widening the “I” to let more light in. Last night, I allowed myself to be sexual
RIORDAN: for the first time in years, five of them. It's prompted something interesting. It's prompting me getting all nerdy enough in the mind. So is this an escapist tactic to get me out of my body? Because what's still contained there is too painful, maybe. But I've also been calling something in about the existential kink, again, a spiral from around this time when I was injured. It's a little later existential kink coming back in again. So there's something in this for me now I'm trying to listen three separate people brought up i, k, s, k, Berlin to me last night, which I just happened right to be reading. Right before leaving last night, I was reading their manifesto and had an important message, if the body felt more pleasure, we wouldn't do so much consuming. We wouldn't make so much war. We wouldn't have so much abuse. More oxytocin, less serotonin and dopamine. I don't know, but it was in my mind
as I allowed myself to go there, as I allowed myself to open, and then I observed my behavior in the aftermath. And I watched how, after I separated, I watched how, when I was with the group, I was commenting on my experience and noticing, huh, yeah, I guess that feeling of consuming, of needing to consume, something is totally gone now. And in fact, I had really no interest in my own pleasure. It was just nice to be part of a group in feeling us all supporting each other and to be meeting the needs of other people, of the person who asked for regulation after an uncomfortable situation, and the other person who asked for us to fulfill her fantasy of blindfolding and tickling feathers. It was so cute. It felt so good. And in fact, I had an active non desire to be interacted with. I didn't want to get myself off at all. I just wanted to make the other people feel good. And I wonder if maybe it was the first selfless sexual interaction I've ever had in my life, truly. I mean, I don't know I went there with Steven. So, okay, that's not true. That's the story. I went there with Steven a lot, but I've never done it in a conscious, embodied way like that. Before it was cool, it's really beautiful. But yeah, I noticed that as soon as we separated, I started going to the fruit table every time I felt uncomfortable, and later, once the chocolate came out, then it was all over. I just started eating that and didn't even want to try for connection anymore. And there is something to this cacao and chocolate as replacements for sexual sustenance, but it also kind of makes me wonder if maybe that's because cacao is a higher expression of the same energy, and if it's kind of like the idea of spiritual anorexia and light information replacing the need for food. Because, like, I don't know. I consciously dissociated last night.
I sat with a pretty high for me, my burdosa Venita and cacao before leaving the house. And then engaged with Damiana at the temple. It was all like super mild and subtle, but I definitely was observing my own self. I a lot, and it was really interesting because, yeah, I just, I don't know I was, I didn't feel the desire to the point that I was analyzing, and was like, maybe that's just done now. But then I did see that couple, and I felt really drawn to them, and I wanted to be part of what they were doing. And there was, there were a couple groups, so maybe it's just that I wasn't super physically into my people, and they just felt nice and safe. And so I didn't feel very sexual tourism. I don't know it was interesting. I did almost have the feeling it's like, maybe it's because it's, I mean, if sex is the holy longing and the desire for divine reunion, then if I'm getting spiritually satisfied, maybe my body doesn't need as much, but I don't know that might just be denial. It might just be bypassing. It probably is,
all that Catholic guilt in the legacy. I got up in my head and got out of the mood. And the story of social anxiety and being awkward started playing, but I didn't even really believe it. It just was like a tape that started running. It didn't have any more potency. And I can't help but think of the Irish legacy, the tiny violin playing, the sad stories, all that Catholic guilt and shame, giant Irish families where rents were abandoned. So maybe that's where that storyline of social anxiety and awkwardness, fear of being ostracized comes from. How many children died because the church decided pleasure was a sin. Then all of a sudden, the calendar injected itself into my consciousness, inserted itself into my awareness, which is kind of cool. I was drawn to look up the Ides of March, which is about the assassination of Julius Caesar. And here we are, the calendar coming in hot and heavy again. The Roman calendar was based on lunar cycles, which meant it kept getting out of sync with what was really happening? Hot for the moon. That series I was drawn to draw new layers of meaning are now coming into it. The time, keeping the day, keeping Lumination tracking.
Oh yeah, baby, tease me. The moon is sexy. Astronomy and Astrology makes me excited. Divination and cycles, the seasons, the nations, deaths and resurrections are the things that get me off.
Is my sexuality lying fallow and not dead entirely? Or has it been transmuted into something else, now, more abstract, desire for the natural world and the union with its creatures to be returned to the earth? Is this trauma denial, repression, bypassing? Or have I just changed into another thing? Calendars are guiding me, and as the month of March begins today, I looked up the Ides and saw but this was a way of measuring lunar cycles with the halfway point. Usually it's the time when the moon is most full in a given month. It strikes me that the time keepers in the Roman system, where the church fathers and I guess they're always the spiritual leaders, the Church Fathers, always ending up with extra days and having to account for them because they weren't in alignment. Capitalism producing excess is a way to grow an unnatural system. I
There's something in the entwinement of time of spirituality. Being in alignment is important, but we haven't been since we were pagan. March used to be the beginning of the new year, a time of celebration, but after Caesar was assassinated, it got a dark reputation. The eyes meant the first full moon of a month
in 44 BC, he was stabbed 23 times. How's that for numerology? And Caesar was Trump. And I can't help but thinking that we are in the ith of March repeating with what's happening in the American empire as this collapsing around everybody. Caesar was a dictator who reinforced unequal power dynamics, a Trumpian figure who appealed to soldiers and was wealthy who put his likeness on everything, who was really into private property and gave himself the power to accept or reject election results. Sound familiar? Jesus? People said he would make himself a king, and he called himself a dictator for life. That wasn't just a Calvin & Hobbes thing. Trump would do this if he could. Caesar was murdered by a group that called themselves the liberators, who stabbed him 23 times, and there's that high weirdness number, cosmic trigger. They fondled the cosmic trigger and stabbed him to death, but it didn't have the result that they were expecting. Turns out, the people didn't want to be liberated because they liked the tax benefits. So the country became destabilized. It was the end of the Republican, beginning of true empire. Feels like a prediction of where America is heading. The successor, Octavian, became a true emperor, and the dark side rose because people wanted to be dominated. They wanted to give it all away. And after, after Octavian went astray, they believed that Augustus could save them, and they begged for a dictator, because Westerners want to be dominated. We're so hot for it. We want to give it all away to the god, like leader, to our big daddy, whether he's God or Caesar. We act like we're so tough and independent, but really, all we want is to be bent over and to submit, because it's unnatural, because this system that we've created of dominance and oppression and power over is unnatural, and our souls Know It. And so that kink, that shadow, goes somewhere, and it turns into the desire to be spanked like a little baby, which is always, I mean, Trump wearing diapers. Hello. It's always what happens so obvious, so obviously, like it makes me angry we consume, and it's empty because we are disconnected with the earth spirituality, right of sync with the seasons and the cycles, and it makes everyone go crazy hot for the moon means longing to reconnect with the cosmic cycles again. And I'm so excited to go to Ireland and connect with the pagan practices. I really feel like this is going to change things, to plug into the Wheel of the Year. I got a vision of myself in a cave like the Calleach, swaddled in deerskin. Learning through direct experience, without human teachers, my friends, the animals, eating mushrooms and communing with the land and the forest directly embedded and entangled in it, indistinguishable where I ended and it began, just visions of myself as eyes emerging from a nurse log behind a burning fire. I want to get hot and heavy with the humus, decompose my meat, Alchemy, dissolve me and acid and crumble my bones into the stratigraphic layers, make me a deposit sedimentary to pull towards death is not the pull towards death is lust, but not the way the church twisted it, not because lust is wrong, but because it's the same urge As death, the one to disappear completely and dissolve the separate self. And it felt good to make my friend feel good last night and not care about myself. We were her nurse logs of pleasure and dying for her desire.
I'm really sad that we got rejected from breaking convention and I drew the card of the poet who said, it may not seem that others care about your words, but trust that the wind will carry it. When I found out we didn't get it, my first urge was to run back to the jungle. It almost felt liberating this existential kink of rejection, though there's something really potent in that, but I think I have to explore and I think the real medicine is in feeling into that, and in not just dissolving and disappearing again. What is this rejection kink? Why do I love to be devalued? Why do I love to be turned away? Why do I love to miss opportunities? I can't get enough of it. I can't get enough of not putting enough effort into things that I actually do care about, and then getting rejected and it really hurting, and then me acting like I didn't care about it. Anyways. Yeah, always wanting what I can't have. Why is that such a human thing?
I don't know. Maybe there is also just something pure in that, maybe the remix is, but I actually just don't care about the earthly gratification anymore, and I just want to run naked in the forest and be a nobody. But that also makes me feel that I'm not being of service, and then what's the point of existing?
All of a sudden, I feel hot for research. But isn't that just another form of consumption, to swallow the knowledge, and then what do I do with it? Spit it out or turn it into shit. The shit can power the system, if applied appropriately, waste versus compost. Hot for teacher is a thing, because humans like learning, but you got to do something with it, and you got to make it experiential, like Bettina was talking about, if learning is sensory, so we have to learn with the body and not the mind. This is the key. Is hot for research or bypass. Then, is this all of a sudden desire to tickle my mind a good thing, because, like, part of me feels like that's me returning to the world of the forms, but I don't know. I think I've been spending all this time in the astral, and that's still not been in the body or which is interesting, because I felt like sitting in front of the altar time. It's really engaging the spiritual, but if there's no somatic component, I don't know, am I bypassing well, but then I'm not, and I think, okay, so this is why cacao feels so important, because that's the embodiment part of the practice. Because something has to ground, it to the earth. Something has to make it, yeah, lived in my experience, something has to bridge the realms. That's what it fucking is. Holy shit. No wonder cacao feels so important, and no wonder it feels like I can't quite connect without it, because it without it, it's just really abstract. That's so interesting. So the other day when I was sitting and just falling asleep over and over again, and just kind of like caught in the hypnogogic state, because I didn't sit with any medicine. It's because the medicines are bridged between the grounds, and if there's no way to bring it down into this one, and you're just stuck in the world of symbols swimming in the language of the other realm without a cipher. Holy shit. Look at that reframing the cacao story. Finally, they've had so much shame around why do I feel like they need it? Because something has to ground it, and there's other ways to do that in the shamanic journey sometimes has in the past, and that's why I was trying to do that the other day. And who knows why it wasn't working, maybe just so I could Have this realization, because that does feel really important. Thank you. anyway.
Oh, we're just begging for a dictator. We Westerners. We're so hot for Godlike figures, Big Daddy in the sky.
But we're really hot for the moon. We're really hot for teacher. We're really hot for our mother, the one we really learn from. Because true knowledge is somatic. It lives in the body. So if you want someone to remember something, you have to make it sensory. This is what Bettina was saying that I found so fascinating. Learning has to become experiential again. We have to ground it in the body. We have to ground it in the sensory we have to rehabilitate the feeling function. The only way you remember something is if your body holds on to it, because knowledge is somatic, and this is why the stuff from Egypt has been coming through again so hot we wrote it down in our diaries so we wouldn't have to remember it in our bodies. We wrote it down in our diaries so we wouldn't have to remember it in our bodies. We wrote it down in our diaries we wouldn't have to remember it in our bodies. This transmitted to me when we were deprived of our senses in the Great Pyramid when we were sitting in the darkness. And it strikes me that this is the origins of transhumanism. And so of course, that podcast with Carl and Gallimore, I haven't even listened to it, but it just made me think of that whole transhumanist debate, and what he was saying when we were in Egypt, what he says all the time, and what I believe is that the goal of technology and psychedelics and spirituality should be to make us more human, not less, and at the same time, to transcend it, To transcend and include, don't give trans a bad name, dude. Transhumanism meaning leaving our bodies behind. But that's not what trans means. Trans means to bring everything with you as you go to the higher plane. And when we invented writing, that's when we first started leaving our bodies behind, because the system was designed to fix and place a world that was always changing. Change scared us, and we wanted to just become heads floating in space, because the pain of embodiment was too great, the decay and the shape shifting inherent in it was too scary, and this is why trans people are the emergent archetype, the shaman, alchemist, because we embrace this. In fact, it's kind of our whole life. So embrace the sexiness of death and decomposition. Hot for the moon means becoming embodied again, becoming a creature again, becoming sensory again. Death doesn't hurt at all. It's only our resistance. So allow yourself to be dominated by the soul soil and the seasons.
Let the planet be your dominatrix. You just have to find the Safe Word.
**Insight about Stephen relationship while watching Rupert Sheldrake course!
Ideal forms are refections of divine nature
Newton, Einstien, Boyle, all scientists believed in god and thought he was a mathematician > math laws were the laws of nature
STEPHEN IS THE REPRESENTATION OF THIS - oh shit - THIS IS BIG - I can’t let go of him because I’m living out the archetype of civilization that can’t let go of Newtonian physics because it feels grounding, comforting, familiar - !!!
CARD PULL
Archetypes Tarot: The Offering, The Poet, The Castle
Marseilles Tarot: 1o of Swords, 8 of Wands, 2 of Pentacles
"Knowledge is innately tied to the land, it's right there, it's waiting for us to pay attention to it, to guide us, through dreams, through visions, through practice..." (Rick Hill)
REFERENCES
Interview, Bettina Arnold, gender in archaeology and funeral feasting part III, 27 February 2025
“Relational Systems Thinking: That’s How Change Is Going to Come, from Our Earth Mother,” Journal of Awareness-Based Systems Change, Volume 1, Issue 1, pp 75-103. 2021, Melanie Goodchild, Turtle Island Institute & Waterloo Institute for Social Innovation and Resilience
The Way of Tarot, Alejandro Jodorowsky and Marianne Costa
The Archeytpes Tarot, Kim Krans
“You Made It Weird” podcast, Pete Holmes, repeated references, date n.d.
Peruvian cacao from Malde with cinnamon and cayenne, high dose + German bee pollen
Direct experience, download with cacao, bee pollen, and quartz crystal in the Great Pyramid in Giza, Egypt, October 2024 - total sensory deprivation
Aubrey Marcus podcast with Carl H. Smith and Andrew Gallimore, February 2025
History.com, “How Julius Caesar’s Assassination Triggered the Fall of the Roman Republic”
Direct experience and artistic download for series “Hot for the Moon,” February 2025, Berlin, Germany
Direct experience, Mx. Gili’s Conscious Play Temple, 28 February 2025, Urban Healing Unit in Berlin, Germany + Amanita muscaria tincture from Agnieska L., London, UK + Peruvian cacao from Malde, moderate dose
6 E’, Equinox Eve, the Wandering Bard is Not Lost / Trust the Process
I’ve been doing this very process since I was in high school. Sitting up in the dark burning incense and candles, researching spirituality and esoteric traditions through space and time; delving into my own psyche; journaling frantically; reading and researching, when the Internet was brand-new amd we had to take turns on the dial-up modem, which meant nobody could use the phone, as I cracked the door open for the first time on my consciousness, divinity, found validation for my alienation and weird theories; met others like me who saw through the falseness in those creepy early AOL chat rooms. Handle: spacemonkey42345 (my student number).
I already knew, back at 16, when I thought I was a weird loser who knew nothing.
I did have a strange confidence in my ability to create for the theatre. Until that proved unsafe, too. Every time, my own creation being used against me; but also, I probably revealed too much. Part of the path of awakening is learning when things need bringing into the light—and which should stay in the hidden places. Like your best friend’s gender identity, or the trapped feeling of your romantic situation when you won’t just tell them how you’re feeling.
I know what “accidentally on purpose” means now - the voice of Ferdinand that sing-songed through my Aya agony - it means the Bodhisattva path. Peering over the edge of enlightenment and saying, not today. Choosing compassion, choosing to stay and suffer together voluntarily, accidentally on purpose, until everyone is awakened, even though enlightenment is easier. Dying is easy. We do it all the time. It’s the transition that’s the hard part, which is kind of what life is, the awkward moment, DMTx, the extended-state experience between life and death. Choosing to be here, even though it hurts.
Judas, choosing to be persecuted
DIALOGOS
LISTEN:
The AI identifies Eve butting in for a paragraph—which seems to answer my question about whether I was getting mounted, possessed, by not only past parts but the archetypes and ancestors that were channeling through my past selves and body at that time, in the affirmative.
Holly Regan reflects on their journey of healing and self-discovery, starting with a broken pelvis in Escondido, California. They describe their unconventional lifestyle, emphasizing their home as everywhere and profession as service to community. Holly recounts discovering a cacao circle in Escondido, which led to them meeting Amanita and a transformative experience. They connects their injury to a deeper purpose, revealing their identity as trans and the personal and universal nature of their healing process. Holly emphasizes the importance of confronting inner demons, affirming each other, and reclaiming legacies, particularly for marginalized communities like trans people, women, and neurodivergent individuals.
Transcript:
HOLLY: You done good. kid. You did so much. You're so strong, making it through Escondido, making it through that broken pelvis situation, to the point where Joe could help you, to the point where mom could help you, to the point where Jill could help you, to the point where Ash could help you, to the point where you could get yourself here. You got yourself to England, dude, and you're getting yourself through. You're getting yourself through without having a quote unquote real job, without having a quote unquote permanent address, without having a quote unquote home. I'm not homeless. My home is everywhere. I'm not unemployed. My profession is service to my community and interconnectivity and channeling and working on my own shit so that I can be a conduit and a channel for everything else. Breaking the pelvis was the portal for healing. Breaking the pelvis in Escondido, California. I mean Jesus Christ. And this song comes on Escondido. And to end to your your the first scene I wrote in the play was in Escondido when I very first got there, the first weekend, and I saw a flyer when I went to the farmers market, and I thought I lost my earbuds, and it said it was for a cacao circle in the town square that Saturday. And so I went, and it was only me and Joanne and two other women who were only sort of interested, and a weird guy named William that kind of stalked me for a minute, and I had to tell him to stop later. We talked about cacao traditions and how it was very much DIY, but also respecting the ancestors. And Joanne showed me her way to make it, which was what I first saw, that it was okay for it to be super chunky, and it was okay to combine different cacaos Sometimes, if you were not trying to be, you know, super focused on a certain medicine, and if it was more about sharing and connection. So that's how I see the days where I want to channel, I can combine multiple cacaos, and the days where I want to be more focused with the plant spirit or with myself, I just work with one at a time. And that can be true for whatever medicines. Yeah, that's it. Syncretism, I combine multiple medicines on the days I want to channel and the days I need to focus. I only do one at a time which could just be breathing, could just be music, could just be silence, sitting with the moon like on the equinox. I guess that was Amanita, though. Oh, Amanita. Oh Escondido. Breaking my pelvis was the only thing that introduced me to Amanita. I mean, shit, I wouldn't have even discovered her if it wasn't for that. What an initiator she is. The first scene I wrote for the play was this recounting of this scene, this kick out circle in Escondido when I first got there, and I wondered why the fuck I was there. Because it was the small, tiny town, and I doubted everything I was doing sort of, but I also knew there was a reason I was there, even though I couldn't see it yet. The reason I was there was to break my pelvis.
EVE: The reason I was there was to be riding my bike up this deserted hill in the middle of the night, cursing, saying, why the fuck am I here? There's nothing here. I gotta get out. I gotta get to the jungle. I gotta get to London. I gotta be anywhere other than in this body, right here, right now. Boom, that's when I hit the ground, boom. That's when it broke open, boom. And that's when I knew that the ceremony was beginning. And that's when I saw that this was finally the last this was the Arcana. This was the graduation ceremony of the Ayahuasca retreat that started two years earlier. And this was the journey that helped me discover I was trans, because trans is the emergent archetype for awakening, because trans is Judas Iscariot, the one who was told by Jesus, who was gaslit by Jesus, who was told that what just happened didn't really happen, who was told that they didn't have their own divine direct revelation. Who was the natural healer and the witch burned for working with the Earth, burned for being the healer, burned for helping people find their own direct connection, burned for helping people heal themselves through their own bodies.
HOLLY: I didn't know why I was in Escondido. I got there and there was nothing there, and it was racist, and it was deserted, and I had to ride my bike for a long time to get anywhere from that house. The cat is a green. The black cat is a green. Hey, get down from up there. I know. Now I'm guessed right. No, you can't be at six. That's not safe for you. Okay, please don't. Please don't come over here with me. Come sit with me. Little One told that what just happened didn't really happen. Told that we couldn't trust our own direct revelation. Oh, I knew I was in Escondido for a reason, but I didn't know why, and it didn't make itself clear until I broke my pelvis, and then I lived in the Bardo for three months when I thought I couldn't wait to get out, and then I went all the way in. It was only by confronting my own inner demons. It was only by confronting my own repressed queer and transness. It was only by confronting all the shadow parts of self, the battered housewife, the one I locked up inside me in the Minotaurs labyrinth, just like I felt like my ex husband locked me up in his house, just like I felt like my father locked me up in his house, just like we all got locked up and tossed out.
The most personal is the most universal. We have to look all the way in to get out. And this is we go alone together, because once we've done that for ourselves, we can help each other look at the hidden places Escondido su condito. Maybe that's the name of my website if I do start offering integration services Escondido, the hidden places. So I got to put that scene back in the play. It starts in Escondido with the makeshift cacao circle in the town square that nobody really attended, and her telling me about the racist people that asked what she was doing there, and me saying, I understand in just the two of us talking for hours and that being enough, affirming each other, just saying you're not crazy. It really happened, I'm here and I see you and thank you. That's what it's all about, and that's how we reclaimed legacies, and that's the unseen, unheard, kids, trans women, neurodiversion, queer of all kinds. If you think you belong here you do. If you wonder if you're queer, you are, you're welcome, as long as we all make room for each other and we don't keep things hidden.
LISTEN:
This one is interesting because multiple speakers, including Riordan, are identified.
Summary:
Ecstatic Dance and Unexpected Connections
- Riordan O'Regan shares a story about feeling disconnected and needing a change, which led to attending an ecstatic dance event.
- Despite initial reluctance, Riordan attended the picnic and met a magical fairy person named Ash, who knew another incarnation of Ash.
- Ash showed Riordan pictures of their birthday at a stone circle, which resonated with Riordan's desires and goals.
- Riordan reflects on how the things they are seeking seem to be seeking them back, suggesting a deeper connection and alignment.
The Power of the Wound
- Riordan discusses the pain and the story of their pelvis, which they have been sharing with people recently.
- They question whether this story is a victim narrative or if it can be transformed into a source of power.
- The conversation touches on the idea that the wound can magnetize certain experiences and people.
- Riordan explores the idea of leaning into either the sad story or the empowering narrative of their wound.
Sound Healing and Validation
- Speaker 1 mentions the prevalence of sound healing and music throughout the day, indicating a strong interest in this modality.
- Riordan reflects on a new friend, Nathan, who reminded them that they don't need more validation as they are already an artist and an expert.
- Nathan invited Riordan to a chill-out psychedelic record day party, aligning with Riordan's interests and desires.
- The conversation highlights the importance of self-validation and the alignment of interests and experiences.
Action Items:
Attend a chill out psychedelic record day party (Assignee: Riordan O'Regan)
Explore modalities discussed in more depth (Assignee: Riordan O'Regan)
Transcript:
RIORDAN: Sure. This is how the universe works. Waking up in the morning feeling like I needed to reconnect with them, I need to feeling like needed a different medicine, one I've got isn't working, and then all of a sudden, Danny's at ecstatic dance and invited me to her picnic. I'm so tired and I don't want to go, but I go anyways, and they end up seeing it next to this magical fairy person and ash and the other incarnations man and she knows ash. She knows ash, and she's been trying to get together and work with her, and she's got a whole pouch of unmet T shirts with her, like the mice, and she said she didn't even know why she brought them today, and she was showing me pictures of her birthday at the stone circle. And it was just all the things that I'm trying to call in and all the things that I'm moving towards and yeah, they're seeking me. The things I'm seeking are seeking me. If I just release my grip a little and let them and yet And yet, there's so much pain and like, yeah, we can look at it and say it's fun in it. But why do they end up telling the story of my pelvis to every single person I met today after going so long and not really doing that? Is that going into a victim story, or is that making the wound my power? It didn't inspire some people. Just really interesting how I can lean into either side of that, and they can really get stuck in, like, my sad story about it, or my excuse because I don't feel like I can just say no when it's time to go. I don't know the wound is the power, right? That's the whole point. I yeah, like, what if the wound is magnetizing the things I think,
SPEAKER 1: oh yeah, records, music and wanting to call in more people, spaces, places to really feel into that sound healing was everywhere today. Yeah, now, all of a sudden, sharing the wisdom of you're already in our disparity, doing it and,
RIORDAN: yeah, and another new friend, Nathan, reminded me, I don't need any more validation. I'm already an artist. I'm already an expert. No, but I'm already worthy. I'm already worthy. I'm already doing the same, and he invited me to a nice chill out psychedelic record Day party, exactly the type of thing I've been wanting such a big part of the story about modalities, they're reminding me.
LISTEN:
Summary:
Fear of Creation and Alternative Forms of Expression
- Holly Regan expresses their fear of creating, mentioning that distractions like hunger or sleep often pull them away from making something.
- They contemplate whether the play should be written or if it should be transmitted through talking, suggesting a blend of both.
- Holly reflects on the idea that some scenes might be better suited for talking rather than writing.
- They consider the possibility that the play's scenes might require a mix of writing and talking to be effective.
Themes of Inner Voices and the Diamond Demon
- Holly discusses a scene in Escondido involving Joanne, suggesting that it encompasses everything and could open the play.
- They add a bit of foreshadowing about an inner voice that feels like a demon but realizes it is the diamond.
- Holly elaborates on the concept of the diamond demon, a hyper-dimensional object at the end of everything, which they interpret as a positive force.
- They connect the diamond demon to the idea of awakening new layers of awareness and questioning the direness of certain events.
The Eschaton and the Maya Calendar System
- Holly talks about channeling the Iscariot, the eschaton, and the idea that we used to be trees, suggesting a cyclical nature of existence.
- They mention that 2012 came and went, but it marked the end of a dimension or the awakening of a new layer of awareness.
- Holly calculates the 52-year cycle from 2012, arriving at the year 2064, and reflects on the rapid quantum leaps happening now.
- They envision a future with advanced technologies like cloud cities and teleportation, emphasizing the importance of inner space and heart connections.
The Journey to Escondido and Personal Revelations
- Holly recounts their journey to Escondido, describing it as desolate and feeling like they were running from something but were actually going toward it.
- They reflect on the need to go into the hidden parts of oneself to connect with others and build mycelial connections in a small town.
- Holly discusses the mycorrhizal relationships between trees and mushrooms, using it as a metaphor for personal growth and connection.
- They address a significant part of themself that needs to be addressed, which they believe is the crux of the play.
The Role of Suicide and the Cedar Tree
- Holly talks about a suicide attempt that was a turning point in their life, realizing they weren't done here.
- They connect this realization to the concept of being a bodhisattva, which they experienced in 2012 or 2014.
- Holly reflects on their relationship with Mark, which began in 2011 and deepened in 2012, making February a meaningful month for them.
- They acknowledge that they are on a tangent but feel compelled to explore these personal revelations further.
TRANSCRIPT: I'm afraid to create. Whenever I start something distracts me. I think that I'm hungry or I'm sleepy, or I need to go for a run or work out or something, but really, it's just the fear of putting something on the page. Really, everything's just trying to pull me away from making the thing really, it's just centuries of gaslighting. So what if I just start talking. What if it doesn't have to be writing. What if this is how the play wants to be transmitted, is through talking? What if, I mean, it's a both, and it's not all or nothing. It's not all writing, it's not all talking. But what if this is how a lot of the scenes want to be written?
What if the place still opens in Escondido with that scene with Joanne, it does kind of encompass everything, if we just add a little bit of foreshadowing about how I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I'm in this small town, but some voice told me to come here, and I listened, and that's what I've been doing more and more. Some inner voice inside me that sometimes I think is a demon. Ah, that's because it's the daimon. Oh, demon daimon, the diamond, the hyper dimensional object at the end of everything. Guess, I've just always been channeling the Iscariot, the eschaton, the thing at the end of all things, the thing that turns into other things, the thing that reminds us that we used to be trees, the thing that resets the cycle. It's not the end of everything, but it's the end of this dimension maybe, or maybe not. Maybe it's just awakening a new layer of awareness on top of this one. Maybe none of it's quite as dire as we think it is. I mean, 2012 came and went and everything appeared to be the same, but it was different. And if it comes in 13 year and 15 year 52 year cycles, as Mark was saying in the Maya calendar system, then it would take 13 years from 2012 for the new thing to really start crystallizing. 52 years from 2012 would be, I want to say I can't do math, but I can. 52 years from 2012 would be, oh my gosh, I can do this. 52 years from 2012 would be two, and two is 456,
2062, wait, 2064, is that right? 2012 plus 52 Yeah, 2064 so that's, that's how long the cycle is. We're just getting started. And as Mark was saying yesterday, think of the quantum leaps that are happening happening faster and faster now, because new information is being created at exponential rates. So think about the difference between 1918, and now by 2064, I mean, we could have cloud cities and teleportation. I really do think teleportation is like the next evolution. For some reason that's coming through to me is like, that's the technology that's like quantum leap coming next. Because Space the final frontier, starts on Earth, right here, and it starts within our hearts, the inner space. We've gone on a lot of tangents. Now, the scene was supposed to be about Escondido, yeah, so I didn't know why I was here. It's the daimon demon that just the daimon daemon demon that told me to go to Escondido, and I've learned to listen. So I just did it. And I got there, and it was desolate, and there was nothing. And all there was was me and my bike going over the hills again and again, which I feel like I've spent my whole life doing. I felt like I was running from something, but I think I was actually going toward it as we have to go all the way inside to get out again. We have to go into the hidden, hidden place, the Escondido, to connect. We have to see the parts of ourself that have been neglected, and then we can go out and one by one, build those little mycelial connections and find the others in our little, tiny town, and then extrapolate out from there. Trees communicate through underground root systems. Trees and mushrooms survive through. Mycorrhizal relationships. Amanita literally can't exist without a specific tree. That's ayni, I am because you're living.
I don't know how this translates into a scene from the play, I probably need to just go edit what I've already have. But there's still a big suicide part of myself that needs to be addressed, and that I think is the crux of the whole play, is the cedar that made me want to be here when I went to die and lay down under a tree, and I realized I wanted to be alive, because it told me that I wasn't done here. It told me that I was a bodhisattva. I just didn't know that. That's what it was saying. It just took me. When was that Holy shit. Was that in 2012 oh, my god. Oh my god. Holy shit. I think my suicide attempt was in 2012 oh, maybe it was 2014 anyway, I met Mark in 2011 and I think we got together in 2012 February. 2012 Oh, my God, in February is a meaningful month in my my calendar. So I'm gonna have to go back and look at that. Wow. Okay, now I'm really on a tangent.
Dialogos: Channeled Scene
NARRATOR
Child Fiona comes out of their bedroom wearing a very pieced together, thrown together outfit, very eclectic, different genders, different styles. The dad looks them up and down.
FIONA’S DAD
is that what you're wearing?
NARRATOR
Fiona has come out seeming confident, and is suddenly thrown off base, frightened, doubting, looking at themselves.
FIONA
Well, yeah, yeah. I mean, this is my outfit. Isn't it pretty, don't you think it's pretty? Mom said it was pretty.
Fiona's Dad,
you look like a crazy person. You can't go out of the house like that. Come on, go put something respectable on here. I'll help you.
NARRATORThe dad goes into Fiona's room and pulls out all the clothes, a dress, a very gendered outfit there, put that on that looks nice here, and then starts taking off their clothes. Obviously, this violation. And Fiona looks scared, but can't stop them, and next thing they know, they've been dressed up like a doll and stood in front of the mirror
Fiona's dad
there. That's better. Don't you think
Fiona
I guess so, if you say so
NARRATOR
the scene changes, and we see Fiona's dad walk into the bedroom where the mom is getting ready. And the same thing happens. Fiona's dad looks Fiona's mom up and down as Fiona's mom gets up to leave, and they look completely fine, but just, you know, kind of shabby chic
Fiona's Dad Is that what you're wearing?
NARRATOR
Fiona's mom has looked confident, but suddenly doubts herself, looking in the mirror, checking out the outfit, patting her hair.
FIONA’S MOM
Well, yeah, you don't like it, you look ridiculous.
Fiona's dad.
Come on, where's that nice outfit I bought you.
NARRATOR
He rummages through the closet, lays it out on the bed
FIONA’S DAD
here. Put that on here. I'll help you.
NARRATOR
And he acts like he's being sexy, and kind of takes her clothes off. And this is really creepy to be said about my parents, but this is what's coming through right now, and this is what Marc did to me. Acts like they're being sexy, and then is kind of like here, put this on, and the next thing they know, they're dressed up like a doll and stood in front of the mirror.
Fiona's dad
there isn't that better
Fiona's mom
I guess. Thanks, honey. Wow, that was sure sexy.
NARRATOR
Fast forward now we see Fiona and Axel. Fiona comes out of the room wearing something kind of eclectic, sort of a mash up of their mom and themself as a kid.
Axel
is that what you're wearing?
Fiona
well, yeah, I mean, this is my thrift store stuff. What you don't like it?
Axel
Come on, that's cute. No, you're cute, but you look ridiculous. Come on. What about that thing I bought you for your birthday?
Fiona
yeah, no, I don't feel like wearing that today. I mean, this is what I wanted to wear, but okay, I guess you don't like it. Now I feel self conscious. I guess I'll go change
Axel. God, that's not what I'm saying.
Narrator
You see a look pass over his face, and he tries a different tactic, trying to be sexy
AXEL
here. Let me help you
NARRATOR
taking off their clothes, and Fiona's kind of trying to get into it, but obviously feels very gaslit.
Fiona
yeah, oh yeah, that's okay. That's hot, baby.
NARRATOR
But the whole thing is super awkward and staged, and they're both trying to manipulate each other, and we can see this on stage. Eventually, Axel lays out the outfit that he bought Fiona, and eventually, after some really awkward faux sensuality. They end up wearing the outfit he picked out and totally gaslit.
Fiona
you're right, that is better.
Axel
I told you.
Scene drop
No I will NOT calm down
Well, after a few days of quiet, the channel opened again, big time. Kit told me that I needed to sit with things on my own for a few days, so xe had been quiet, but xe was back today, sitting by my side, cheering me on, dropping things in, opening channels, watching as I did it. I think I am bringing in the ability to talk with plants and medicine spirits in a way they didn’t quite access, and of course, there is the dialogos with my own parts of self.
I realized that breaking my pelvis was what opened the channel to be able to communicate with the subtle realms in ways I hadn’t been able to before; this is what shamanic initiation means. The shattering, the pain, the suffering is the portal, the key, to accessing the wounded parts of me that need seeing and healing, and in this most personal act, I clear the way to be a receiver for archetypes, collective consciousness, ancestors, plant spirits, other dimensional realms, the things unseen.
Hidden.
It happened in Escondido, which means “hidden place” in Spanish. When I got there, it was such a shitty small town, I didn’t know what I was doing there; it was conservative, and San Diego was a 40-minute drive away when all I had was a bicycle, living out in the middle of a nowhere, hilly neighborhood in a converted psychedelic ceremony space that was adorned only with a sink with no drain, just a bucket that had to be emptied into the garden; a bathroom with a nonfunctional shower; a couch; and a giant, wall-to-wall tapestry of Frida Kahlo.
You don’t have to make anything up when the truth is this strange.
I had to break open my pelvis to unlock the hidden places within me, the super-specific stuff that needed to be healed to open me to the universal feelings, the collective consciousness and cosmic teachings. Through the personal comes the everything. The details that you think are so small, nobody will care, turn out to be the keys.
In the first draft of the play, it opened with me in Escondido, sitting in a cacao circle with only three other people in this weird conservative town, talking about the collective and making our own medicine. I cut the scene when I copied over the draft because I thought it was too specific.
I’m still not sure where it’s going, but I know that everything belongs.
And that includes each and every last part of me.
Listen:
Summary: Holly Regan discusses the symbolic role of Judas Iscariot in the eschaton, representing the acceleration towards quantum awakening and the end of this dimension. They argue that Judas was gaslit by Jesus and became a scapegoat for humanity. Regan connects this to the concept of trans emergence and the return of forgotten truths. They outline their spiritual practice, which involves welcoming energies, working with cacao, Copal, incense, bees, tobacco, and Amanita, and balancing direct experience with internet research and community engagement
Outline:
Judas Iscariot and the Eschaton
- They discuss Judas Iscariot as a symbol of the eschaton, representing the acceleration towards consciousness expansion and quantum awakening. - They explain that Judas was gaslit by Jesus, who dismissed their visions, making Judas the scapegoat for humanity. - They emphasize that Judas is an archetype returning to remind humanity of its forgotten truths and to accelerate towards a new phase of time. - They mention the Mayan concept of cycles and new layers, likening it to unlocking segments of a Rubik's Cube and unfolding towards quantum awakening.
The Role of Judas in Trans Emergence
- They elaborate on Judas as a symbol for trans emergence, bearing the truth of humanity's direct experiences and revelations. - They stress the importance of remembering what humanity has forgotten and facing the collective future with a positive vision. - They describe the collective future as a beautiful house with a green thatched roof where everyone can sit around the table. - They reassure that the minotaur is not a monster but a sweet, soft animal, emphasizing the need to welcome and hold it until it feels safe.
Their Spiritual Practice
- They outline their spiritual practice, which involves welcoming in the energies of the days according to the Mayan calendar. - They describe their process of dipping into the real world, getting frustrated, and channeling the rage of the Divine Feminine. - Their practice includes working with cacao, Copal, incense, bees, and tobacco, calling in the spirits of plants and Anita. - They mention the importance of being alone and having conversations with people in third eye drops and esoteric circles.
Balancing Direct Experience and Research
- They discuss the balance between direct experience and research in their practice. - They admit to getting frustrated with themself for leaving voice messages and being too intense with others. - They emphasize the need to bounce ideas off each other and the importance of not being alone in the process. - They describe the practice of dipping in and out of the internet for research and then returning to direct experience and inner reflection.
Action Items:
Continue the spiritual/philosophical process of going inward through reflection and plant medicines, then outward through research and discussion. (Assignee: Holly Regan)
Transcript:
Judas Iscariot, a scary at the eschaton, accelerating us towards consciousness expansion, accelerating us towards the end of this dimension and the beginning of quantum awakening, accelerating us toward an existence where we tell the real stories about who we are, who we've been, where we're going, how we got here is scary at the eschaton, the one who got gaslit by the so called Savior, The Son of Man, the one who got gaslit by Jesus, the one who said, I can have visions too. And Jesus came back and said, That's cute. I got news for you. I'm the one who has the visions around here. Pal, sorry, I deny your direct experience. Sorry. The thing you think happened, the thing you know happened, I'm going to tell you, didn't just really happen. Judas got gaslit by Jesus and became the scapegoat for humanity. Is scary at the eschaton, the symbol of trans emergence, the archetype that's returning emerging to accelerate us towards this new phase of time, like the Maya knew, it's always been just cycles new layers, unlocking new segments of the Rubik's Cube unfolding, accelerating us towards quantum awakening. The end of not all existence, but the end of this one, the realization that the so called traitor was actually the Savior, the realization that Jesus was ego tripping, and even Jesus can be The villain, and even Judas can be the hero. And Judas is a symbol for trans emergence, the archetype that's returning to remind us of what we forgot, what we hid so deep that even we couldn't find it, the scapegoat, taking the sense of humanity upon us, bearing the truth of our own direct experience, our own direct revelations, our own divine discoveries so deep that even we couldn't find it.
Gotta remember. We got to remember what we forgot. We got to go into the labyrinth and face the Minotaur, because we'll see that it's actually not dark, it's light. It's beautiful. It's our direct revelation of the collective future, the house with the green thatched roof, where everyone can sit around the table. It's actually a beautiful vision. It's not a monster. It's a kitten, it's a calf. It's a sweet, soft animal. It's not a monster. We just got to welcome it in. We just got to hold it until it it's safe.
Judas got gaslit by Jesus. Got told that his direct revelation wasn't real. Got told that what just happened didn't really happen. So he buried the truth. So we buried the truth so deep that even we couldn't find it. Now it's time to reclaim it.
You reclaim the Iscariot, the eschaton. Welcome the end of time. So there is something in this, my process, my praxis. It involves the Mayan calendar. It starts with welcoming in the energies of the days. And today is five bots, the creative genius, the generative principle. And of course, part of the process involved dipping into the real world and getting frustrated, getting rejected again, and therefore channeling the rage of the Divine Feminine trans Iscariot. So my process, my practice, involves going in with cacao and in the Mayan calendar, direct experience, burning Copal and incense, working with the bees the underworld guardians, their pollen, their medicine. The bees are a key to the system. Um tobacco, calling him in, calling in the spirits of the plants, and Amanita. And Amanita has come back in a big way, and Amanita is a big part of this, because it's the day after, so I'm integrating Amanita. It's being alone, but then it's also dipping into the servers and having conversations with people in third eye drops and esoteric circles. It's dipping in. I dip out and in. That's part of my whole practice. And so I've been getting mad at myself when I have these moments where I drop out and I leave people a bunch of voice messages, and maybe sometimes that's too much and they're a little crazy, but that's part of the process. The practice is dipping in and out, dipping into the internet and researching things, and then going back into the direct experience space. That's part of it, dipping into the inner reflection and quiet, dipping in with the parts of self that need attention, and then dipping out to check in, yeah, to do some research, or to hop on a Discord server or or to leave a voice message for someone, because we can't Be alone in that we have to bounce things off each other.
LISTEN:
Summary: The AI recognizes four speakers in this dialogue. One of them is identified as Holly, who is AGAIN misgendered by the robot.
The conversation revolves around the themes of unheard voices, personal struggles, and the search for empowerment. Holly Regan and others express frustration with having to sell out their identities and talents for basic needs, emphasizing the need to reclaim their power and stop apologizing. They discuss the bodhisattva path, the importance of community support, and the challenges of indecision and starting over. The conversation also touches on the significance of ancient and new age practices, such as herbalism and psychedelic experiences, in finding enlightenment and healing. The speakers reflect on their past traumas, including gaslighting and abuse, and the need to remember and integrate lost parts of themselves to move forward.
... Action Items: (these crack me up every time)
Remember forgotten parts of self and past experiences. (Assignee: Holly Regan)
Help each other reclaim wisdom and support one another. (Assignee: Holly Regan)
Leave the waystation and get to a destination by making decisions and completing tasks/work. (Assignee: Holly Regan)
Outline:
Unheard and Unseen Children
- Speaker 1 introduces themselves as the unseen and unheard children, emphasizing the need for attention and listening. - Holly Regan reiterates the sentiment, highlighting the frustration of being unheard and unseen. - Speaker 2 expresses exhaustion from begging for a chance to speak and a platform. - Holly Regan shares their frustration with having to give away their medicine, art, and creativity just to survive.
Selling Out and Taking Back Power
- Speaker 4 talks about having to give away their body and medicine to have a roof over their head. - Holly Regan declares they won't sell out anymore and takes back their power. - Holly Regan criticizes the habit of always apologizing, linking it to insecurity and anxiety. - Speaker 2 discusses the struggle of not fitting into societal frameworks and the constant feeling of indecision.
The Bodhisattva Path and Trans Archetype
- Holly Regan talks about the bodhisattva path, choosing to stay in suffering to help others cross over - The conversation touches on the importance of finding others who understand the struggle - Holly Regan explains the bodhisattva path involves peering into enlightenment and choosing to stay in suffering - The emergent archetype of trans is discussed, blending ancient wisdom with new age queerdom
The Role of Herbalism and Natural Medicine
- Holly Regan emphasizes the importance of herbalism and natural medicine in the bodhisattva path - The conversation highlights the use of cacao as an ancient wisdom and its new age worship - Holly Regan discusses the need to question everything and the importance of not apologizing - The waystation metaphor is used to describe the transition between worlds and the importance of making decisions
The Minotaur and the Labyrinth of Memory
- Holly Regan talks about the Minotaur on the wall and the labyrinth of their memory - The conversation explores the rejection and abuse they faced, leading to blackout drinking and indecision - Holly Regan describes the metaphor of being trapped in the labyrinth and the need to retrieve lost parts of themself - The importance of channeling and the role of the Tarot in communication is discussed
Listen:
The AI identifies one speaker but doesn’t give them a name. I will have to name them. Perhaps Eve?
Speaker 1 expresses deep frustration and anger over feeling constantly shut down, gaslighted, and manipulated, leading to a sense of being destroyed psychologically. They describe a pattern of small, cumulative harms that prevent them from seeking help or leaving abusive situations. The speaker highlights how societal and personal criticisms erode self-worth and trust, affecting their ability to make decisions and trust their own judgment. They criticize the false promises of change and acceptance from various institutions and individuals, feeling let down repeatedly. The speaker feels trapped in a system that is inherently unsupportive and unnatural, leading to a state of indecision and a sense of being stuck between worlds.
Outline
Feeling Shut Down and Gaslighted
Speaker 1 expresses frustration about being constantly shut down and not being allowed to express their emotions.
They refuse to calm down and lower their voice, emphasizing their anger and frustration.
Speaker 1 accuses the other person of gaslighting and manipulating them through subtle actions.
They describe how these small, repeated actions create a significant impact, eroding their foundation and sanity.
Criticism and Control
Speaker 1 discusses how criticism is pervasive in their life, from personal relationships to professional settings.
They mention how criticism comes from various sources, including family members, bosses, and authority figures.
The criticism is described as being about small details, making it hard to identify the overall problem.
Speaker 1 feels that the criticism is designed to make them feel like they are always doing something wrong.
Restrictions and Limitations
Speaker 1 talks about the restrictions and limitations imposed on them, such as not being allowed to worship in a certain way.
They mention how these restrictions affect their connection with the land and their direct experience.
The restrictions are described as being imposed by those who control various aspects of their life.
Speaker 1 feels that these restrictions undermine their trust in their own experiences and wisdom.
Promises of Change
Speaker 1 expresses disappointment with people who promise to be different but end up being the same.
They mention how these promises are often made by men and women who claim to be progressive and accepting.
Speaker 1 feels that these promises are made out of fear and scarcity, and they are not genuine.
They express frustration with the cycle of disappointment and the lack of real change.
Indecision and Self-Doubt
Speaker 1 discusses the impact of constant criticism on their ability to make decisions.
They mention how the criticism makes them question their own judgment and trust in their mind and body.
Speaker 1 feels that the system they are in is designed to make it hard for them to succeed.
They express a sense of being stuck and unable to move forward due to the constant self-doubt.
The River Styx and the Ferryman
Speaker 1 uses the metaphor of the River Styx to describe their feeling of being stuck between worlds.
They mention how the ferryman passes them by, symbolizing missed opportunities.
Speaker 1 feels that they are not ready to move forward because they are not perfect or good enough.
They express a sense of frustration with the cycle of missed opportunities and the lack of progress.
Eve: No, I will not calm down. No, I will not calm down. I'm so sick of being shut down. No, I will not lower my voice. No, I will not calm down. I'm so sick of being shut down. You calling me hysterical. That's rich, while you gaslight me and subtly manipulate me, picking away death by 1000 cuts, little by little, you know exactly what you're doing. You inflict wounds so small that no one can look at any one of them in isolation and see how you're destroying my entire foundation, my entire sanity. And you know what? Then some of those are big enough on their own. Some of those are big enough on their own. Some of those, are you actually hitting me? Some of those, are you actually physically harming me? Some of those are you trying to strangle me? And then, but it gets to the point where even those incidents feel like they're not enough on their own, to leave, feel like they're not enough on their own, to ask for help, feel like they're not enough on their own, to go to the authorities, because they picket you, little by little, death by 1000 cuts they make you think it's your fault, whether this Church Fathers, whether it's the publishers, whether it's the bosses, whether it's the landlords, everyone makes you feel like you're doing something wrong. You didn't keep up on stuff well enough. You didn't meet your deadlines, you didn't pick up your room, you didn't play with your sister. Are you really wearing that outfit? You come out of your room and everything is criticized. Everything's criticized from the moment you get up, you try to make art, and they tell you it isn't good enough. They tell you it's not technically precise enough. They tell you you need to take it somewhere to learn how to really do it right. They want to put restrictions and parameters on you, enclosures of all kinds. They tell you you can't be on this land because they own it. Now they tell you you can't worship this way because they control it. Now they tell you you don't you can't trust your direct experience. You can't trust your direct connection with the land. You can't trust the wisdom that's been handed down since the dawn of time, working with the seasons, working with what the earth tells you. They tell you that's not real. They tell you that what you're receiving from the astral is just a voice in your head. They tell you you're not really talking with the dead, and you start to doubt yourself, and you start to think you're crazy. They tell you that it's your fault. They tell you that you did something wrong, and that's why they're mad. They tell you that you're misbehaving, they tell you that you have a deficit of attention. They tell you that you're divergent from everyone else's neurons. But what's divergent is these artificial systems that they've imposed upon us. What's divergent is the way we're being treated and told that it's love. I'm so sick of being let down time after time by the men who came in and promised they were going to be different, and by the women who've fallen in with those systems and promised they were going to be different. I'm so tired of people coming in again and again saying, we're not like your dad, we're not like your old boss, we're not like your last publication, we're not like them, we're not like them, we're not like that other church. We're different, we're accepting, we're progressive. We really care about queer people. No, we're different, and then every single one, again and again, proves to be exactly the same, or at least motivated by the same things. And I get it, it's fear and scarcity. We're all working within a system that was designed for none of us to win. I get it. Everyone's scared, but just stop promising that you're different when you're not different. And I'm so tired of this whole lifetime, you step out of your room. You're not wearing that are you go back in and change. Oh, no, it's fine. They say they're not even criticizing you, but they are. They say they're not tearing you down, but they are. They say they're trying to help you, and they really are just trying to get you to do it their way. They say they're trying to love you, when really they're just seeing you as an extension of them, and they don't believe they're ever good enough. So they project that onto you, and it's death by 1000 cuts. And then you're questioning everything, missing the boat again and again, the river boat on the sticks that keeps passing you by and passing you by, because you can't make a decision, because now you don't even trust what your mind and body are saying. You can't make a decision because you don't know what's you and what's them. You can't make a decision because you were told you can listen to the elements, to nature, to the things we've always known. Now you can't make a decision and they tell you it's your fault. Indecision, attention deficit, neurodivergence, diversion to. What a system that was never meant to support us to begin with. We can't play ball with something that's totally unnatural. I'd say that's pretty natural. Now I can't make a decision. Now I can't make a decision over and over, circles and circles, starting and starting. Now I can't stop starting and I'm never finishing. They say you never miss what's meant for you. But I don't know. I think at a certain point you do miss the boat, the boat to the next realm. I'm stuck in Purgatory. I'm stuck at the dock of the boat to the river sticks in between one world and the next. Well, the ferryman passes me by again and again and again.
Are you getting on? No, I'm not ready. It's not perfect. No, I'm not ready. It's not good enough. No, I'm not ready. I don't trust myself. And they told us we couldn't they told us they were going to be different, and then they were the same. They told us it wasn't good enough, and I'm so tired of getting rejected over and over. The boat keeps going by. Are we gonna get on the train keeps coming? Are we gonna leave the Weigh Station? We don't have to know where we're going. I just know that where we are isn't working.
Listen:
Summary: Holly Regan and Speaker 1 criticize the medicalization and pathologization of individuals who do not conform to societal norms, particularly those outside the binary or who are expressive and creative. They argue that the diagnosis of conditions like ADHD and the subsequent prescription of medications like Ritalin are misguided, as they are rooted in a system that does not support these individuals. Regan advocates for alternative, natural healing methods and rejects labels like "divergent" or "hysterical," which have historically been used to marginalize women, queer individuals, and trans people. They emphasize that these labels are not their fault and that society's constructs are the real issue.
Outline:
Critique of Medical Professionals and Societal Norms
- Holly Regan criticizes the medical industry for labeling individuals as "divergent" and suggesting medication as a solution, implying it is a way to control those who do not conform to societal norms. - They argue that the patriarchal, heterosexual, mono-normative society is the problem, not the individuals who do not fit into these rigid frameworks. - Holly Regan emphasizes that the system was never designed to support those who are different, and now they are being diagnosed with attention deficits and other conditions to justify their exclusion. - They suggest that natural remedies, psychedelics, plant medicines, and intuitive counselors should be considered as alternatives to traditional medical treatments.
Rejection of Labels and Blame
- Holly Regan rejects the notion of being labeled as "divergent" or "hysterical," arguing that these labels are artificial constructs imposed by a society that does not support them. - They emphasize that women, queers, and trans people have historically been labeled as "crazy" or "evil" for wanting to be themselves and challenging societal norms. - Holly Regan highlights the historical persecution of natural healers, who were labeled as witches and burned at the stake for their practices. - They conclude that the society we live in is not meant for them, and they refuse to be held accountable for not fitting into an artificial system.
Transcript: Hysterical. You're hysterical. You're divergent. We need to medicate you. Industries run by therapists, run by quote, unquote, medical professionals telling us there's something wrong with us, because of the way we exist, because we're not going along with their CIS-tems, because we're not going along with their patriarchal, patriarchal heterosexual, mono, normative, CIS-tems, because we're outside the binary. Because we're expressive, generative, because we're seasonal and creative, because these frameworks don't make sense to us. So they want to medicate us. They want to put us in therapy, like the artists told there was something wrong with them because they couldn't function in society, a society that was never set up to support us to begin with. Now they want to put us on Ritalin because we have a deficit of attention, attention, a thing that must be paid attention, a thing that must be paid to a system that doesn't support us, that was never meant to uplift us to begin with, that was only ever meant for us to serve it. And now we're told we have a deficit. I reject this. Yes, it's helpful, in some ways, to have a label for the things we're dealing with so we can find the others and sometimes Sure, medications can be helpful, but I think we need to look at the ones that come from the earth too. We need to look at the psychedelics. We need to look at the plant medicines. We need to look at the natural healers. We need to look at the intuitive counselors. I'm not saying we don't need support for these things, because they do become complexes, because when we're trying to fit them into the system that they don't fit within, it does damage our brains. Perhaps it does interfere with our normal functioning. It does then create symptoms, physical or mental, that must be addressed. I'm not saying don't do that. I'm just saying there's ways other than what they're saying to deal with that, and I'm saying that we shouldn't label ourselves as divergent, and I'm saying that we shouldn't label ourselves as hysterical, and I'm saying that we shouldn't assume the blame. I mean divergent to what an artificial construction of time, that isn't actually the way the universe works, divergent to what something completely made up. It's not our fault. Women were told they were hysterical because they started wanting to create and get involved. Women were told they were hysterical because they didn't want to fit into those systems. Queers have been told that we were hysterical. And worse, trans people have been told that we were evil. Trans people have been told that we were the devil tempting the queers and the trans tempting the CIS het people.
Women told they were crazy because they just wanted the same things everyone else had queers and trans people told they were crazy because they just wanted to be themselves. Natural healers told they were witches and burned at the stake for doing what we'd always done since humanity originated. Fucking A Yeah, we can't function in this society. It wasn't meant for me.
LISTEN:
The conversation revolves around feelings of frustration and rejection experienced by marginalized groups, particularly the queer and feminine communities. Speaker 1 expresses rage at being told they are not good enough and the broken promises of systems that failed to protect and support them. They criticize the imposition of restrictive systems by patriarchal figures, including in journalism and creative industries, which stifle creativity and authentic expression. Speaker 2 suggests that the way forward might be through collective action and experiential storytelling, moving beyond traditional language to capture the vibrations and feelings of shared experiences. Both speakers look to the equinox as a symbol of balance and hope for change.
Action Items
[ ] Release stories and expressions in more experiential ways like fringe theater, art, experiences to bypass limitations of words alone.
[ ] Come together in shared vibration and experience on the day of equinox, stopping words and just being together.
[ ] Continue seeking ways to tell stories and share expressions in all formats while also finding places of unity.
Outline
Challenges of the Divine Feminine and Queer Community
Speaker 1 expresses deep frustration and rage, channeling the unmet needs of the divine feminine and the collective queer and trans community.
The speaker feels rejected and undervalued by society, mentioning rejection from partners, publications, bosses, and even overly coddling parents.
Speaker 1 criticizes the broken promises of the system, which has historically failed to protect and support marginalized groups.
The speaker highlights the betrayal of promises by various figures, including stepfathers, partners, and religious and political authorities.
Historical Betrayals and Systemic Failures
Speaker 1 discusses the historical betrayals by figures who promised protection and support but ultimately abandoned and blamed the marginalized community.
The speaker mentions the imposition of restrictive systems by capitalists, Church Fathers, patriarchs, and others, leading to the marginalization of the community.
The speaker criticizes the imposition of restrictive systems that diverge from natural rhythms and the community's traditional ways of working with the earth.
The speaker emphasizes the systemic failure to recognize and support the community's unique ways of being and creating.
Impact of Patriarchal Systems on Creative Industries
Speaker 1 criticizes the patriarchal systems that have imposed restrictions on creative industries like journalism, literature, and theater.
The speaker feels that these systems have taken away the creative flow and freedom of expression, replacing it with rigid parameters and word counts.
Speaker 1 expresses frustration with the broken promises of publications that claim to support writers but fail to provide sustainable platforms.
The speaker highlights the oversaturation and competition in the creative industry, which makes it difficult for individuals to succeed.
The Need for Autonomous Creation and Community
Speaker 1 suggests that the only way forward is to build their own platforms and projects, but acknowledges the challenges of oversaturation and competition.
Speaker 2 emphasizes the importance of coming together as a community to support each other and create a sustainable system.
The speakers discuss the significance of the equinox, a day of equal light and dark, as a time for collective vibration and expression.
Speaker 2 suggests that the equinox is a time to stop telling stories and instead focus on shared experiences and vibrations.
Exploring Alternative Forms of Expression
Speaker 2 expresses a desire to release stories in alternative ways, such as experiential theater and visual arts, to bypass the limitations of traditional publishing.
The speaker acknowledges the tyranny and liberation of words, recognizing their role in creating reality but also their limitations.
Speaker 2 suggests that feelings and vibrations can exist beyond words, and that experiencing shared emotions can be more powerful than language.
The speakers express hope for illumination and a new way of storytelling that embraces both words and experiential forms.
Transcript:
I'm in a full psychedelic state with cacao in complete rage, channeling the unmet needs of the divine feminine, channeling the rage of our whole collective, the queer, the trans, the feminine, the channeling the rage of all of us, I'm tingling the rage of all the weird ones, the ones told we were divergent, the ones everyone, all throughout history. I'm so sick and tired of this shit. I'm so sick and tired of being told that we're not good enough. I'm so sick and tired of begging for someone to give us a platform. I'm so sick and tired of being rejected over and over and over, from partners to publications and from bosses to my father and then the opposite, the overly coddling mother telling you everything you do is perfect. Well, guess what? The world doesn't fucking work like that, and she doesn't let you break the gaze, because she needs so much from you. Because our whole system has been telling us, has been making false promises for centuries, has been telling us that they would protect us, only to abandon us. Has been telling us that they were different. Has been telling us that they really cared whether it was the fathers coming in, the stepfathers who would come in and say they weren't gonna be like that stepfathers coming in and saying, I'm not gonna be like your dad, and then they fucking left too. And then they fucking abandoned me too. The partner's coming in and saying, we're not gonna be like your dad, and then they fucking bail on you too. They bail on you too.
And they blame your sex, and they blame your generative principle, no matter who it is, from the fucking capitalists, from the fucking Church Fathers, from the fucking patriarchs, from those who came in and built the enclosures and kicked us off their our land, to those who came in and took our religion from us, from those who came in and said we had to worship the way they did, from those who came in and said we had to create the way they did, from those who came in and said, we are only worth what we produce, and we can only produce in this system, from those who divorced us from what we knew, which was how to work with the earth and her rhythms from what we knew, which was how to flow with the seasons From what we knew and said we had to do it their way. Well, it doesn't work that way for us, and then they call us divergent when they're the ones coming in and imposing their restrictions on everything. That's not the way it fucking works in nature.
But now we're told that it's our fault. Now we're told that we have attention deficit. Now we're told that we have disorders because they're coming in and trying to impose something on us that was never meant to be to begin with. And journalism is just another one of these expressions, some patriarchal system where someone comes in and takes writing a creative, flowy, feminine in the non gendered sense of the word thing, and tries to put parameters on it. And word counts, journalism, writing, literature, I don't know art, theater, anything that's had that's had these industries built around it when it was supposed to be something creative, when it was supposed to be something flowing. And I guess journalism is different. I should have never tried to work in it to begin with.
But anywhere they cared about writers telling their stories, I mean, so many publications now have come in and done the same thing. We're not like your dad. We're different. We really care about writers. We really care about what you have to say. We really want to build a platform for people to tell their stories. And then guess what? The people bail when there's not enough money. And then guess what? The Founders want to go look after their own nest egg, and then guess what? The ones who said they were different, okay, they can't afford to keep the lights on. It's the whole patriarchal system. I guess I get it, but you know what? Just stop making the fucking promises. The only way forward is to build our own things. But then if all of us are doing our own things. A, we're oversaturated and B, we're still going against the point of the whole thing. We're still trying to make a way within a larger system that is broken. I really think the only way we move forward is through coming together. I just don't know what that looks like.
I don't know what that looks like, but as we approach the equinox, the day of equal dark and light, I don't know. There's a reason that so many people are coming together to make sound. There's a reason that on the day of equal light and dark, we want to stop talking and get in our bodies, that we want to just vibrate all together in the same place. There's something about stopping telling the stories and just coming together to just be, but at the same time, we have things that need saying and sharing. So on this day of equal equal light and dark that is approaching, I hope something's illuminating, because I'm just sick and tired of being rejected over and over and over from lovers to fathers to publishers.
I've got so many stories that I care so much about, and I'm going to try to just release them in another way. I guess maybe that's the answer, to make things more experiential, to go to the fringe theater, to draw pictures, to try to express it in ways more than just a word on a page, but in a way that's felt and experienced. Maybe that's the only way. Maybe, maybe the answer is getting away from language. Words are both the tyranny and the liberation of our species. And a lot of ways, words create our reality. In a lot of ways, nothing even exists, if we can't name it in this 3d framework. But it exists in an even more real way when we feel it, when we feel the vibration, when we all move together, when we all experience the same thing at the same time. And words can do that. They do have a vibration. So we still need places to tell our stories in all the different formats. On the day of equal light and dark that is approaching, I pray for illumination.
Holly Regan discusses their fear of creating and struggle with distractions, suggesting that their play might benefit from a blend of writing and talking. They reflects on the concept of the "daimon demon," a hyper-dimensional object that could represent the end of one dimension or the awakening of a new layer of awareness. Holly connects this idea to the Maya calendar's 52-year cycle, predicting significant technological advancements by 2064, including teleportation. They recount a personal journey to Escondido, interpreting it as a metaphor for self-discovery and the importance of connecting with one's inner self and community. Holly also ties their creative process to a suicide attempt, which led her to realize her purpose and identity as a bodhisattva.
Transcript:
I'm afraid to create. Whenever I start something distracts me. I think that I'm hungry or I'm sleepy, or I need to go for a run or work out or something, but really, it's just the fear of putting something on the page. Really, everything's just trying to pull me away from making the thing really, it's just centuries of gaslighting. So what if I just start talking. What if it doesn't have to be writing. What if this is how the play wants to be transmitted, is through talking? What if, I mean, it's a both, and it's not all or nothing. It's not all writing, it's not all talking. But what if this is how a lot of the scenes want to be written?
What if the place still opens in Escondido with that scene with Joanne, it does kind of encompass everything, if we just add a little bit of foreshadowing about how I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I'm in this small town, but some voice told me to come here, and I listened, and that's what I've been doing more and more. Some inner voice inside me that sometimes I think is a demon. Ah, that's because it's the daimon. Oh, demon daimon, the diamond, the hyper dimensional object at the end of everything. Guess, I've just always been channeling the Iscariot, the eschaton, the thing at the end of all things, the thing that turns into other things, the thing that reminds us that we used to be trees, the thing that resets the cycle. It's not the end of everything, but it's the end of this dimension maybe, or maybe not. Maybe it's just awakening a new layer of awareness on top of this one. Maybe none of it's quite as dire as we think it is. I mean, 2012 came and went and everything appeared to be the same, but it was different. And if it comes in 13 year and 15 year 52 year cycles, as Mark was saying in the Maya calendar system, then it would take 13 years from 2012 for the new thing to really start crystallizing. 52 years from 2012 would be, I want to say I can't do math, but I can. 52 years from 2012 would be, oh my gosh, I can do this. 52 years from 2012 would be two, and two is 456,
2062, wait, 2064, is that right? 2012 plus 52 Yeah, 2064 so that's, that's how long the cycle is. We're just getting started. And as Mark was saying yesterday, think of the quantum leaps that are happening happening faster and faster now, because new information is being created at exponential rates. So think about the difference between 1918, and now by 2064, I mean, we could have cloud cities and teleportation. I really do think teleportation is like the next evolution. For some reason that's coming through to me is like, that's the technology that's like quantum leap coming next. Because Space the final frontier, starts on Earth, right here, and it starts within our hearts, the inner space. We've gone on a lot of tangents. Now, the scene was supposed to be about Escondido, yeah, so I didn't know why I was here. It's the daimon demon that just the daimon daemon demon that told me to go to Escondido, and I've learned to listen. So I just did it. And I got there, and it was desolate, and there was nothing. And all there was was me and my bike going over the hills again and again, which I feel like I've spent my whole life doing. I felt like I was running from something, but I think I was actually going toward it as we have to go all the way inside to get out again. We have to go into the hidden, hidden place, the Escondido, to connect. We have to see the parts of ourself that have been neglected, and then we can go out and one by one, build those little mycelial connections and find the others in our little, tiny town, and then extrapolate out from there. Trees communicate through underground root systems. Trees and mushrooms survive through. Mycorrhizal relationships. Amanita literally can't exist without a specific tree. That's ayni, I am because you're living.
I don't know how this translates into a scene from the play, I probably need to just go edit what I've already have. But there's still a big suicide part of myself that needs to be addressed, and that I think is the crux of the whole play, is the cedar that made me want to be here when I went to die and lay down under a tree, and I realized I wanted to be alive, because it told me that I wasn't done here. It told me that I was a bodhisattva. I just didn't know that. That's what it was saying. It just took me. When was that Holy shit. Was that in 2012 oh, my god. Oh my god. Holy shit. I think my suicide attempt was in 2012 oh, maybe it was 2014 anyway, I met Mark in 2011 and I think we got together in 2012 February.