I’m lonely
Entering the Maya solar year of the ancestors (13) and communication/divine breath (Iq’) in the Trans* trecena (Aq’ab’al) / Mom stuff
“I’m lonely.”
Two little words that make all the difference when spoken.
The blessing and the curse of doing the work is that you gain the ability to become your own observer, and you may start seeing some things that don’t look too pretty.
But it’s okay. That’s the beginning.
When I finally left my abusive marriage, I was a shell of a person. I had to start over from nothing, with nothing, bringing not even myself along, because I had vacated this space so long ago. It’s the only way to keep going when you’re caught in the cycle of self-gaslighting: to quote a play I saw at the Camden Fringe Festival last summer, “ever dissociate so hard that you feel like a character in the most shit video game ever?” I don’t say that for sympathy, just to describe how empty I was, and all too ready to receive. It made me prime for absorption by a spiritual teacher who, for the first few years, totally helped me change my life for the better; she literally helped me save it, as I was headed off a cliff. I will always be grateful for the things she taught me, practices and mantras I still draw from daily. I needed that grounding and guidance and perhaps most importantly, she helped me re-open the spiritual dimension, the connection I had as a little kid who loved Jesus so much that I used to dress up like him.
But it also primed me for grooming, and while I don’t actually think she knew she was doing it, she was fostering a dependence that in retrospect is super scary, while at the time I was totally blind to it. At first I just used her practices as guidance; soon I came to rely on her ceremonies as an anchor, and started working with her more and more frequently 1:1. Eventually, I got to the point where I couldn’t make any major decision without consulting her, and the more desperate I got, the more she kept me at a distance, which in turn fueled my anxiety; I’m sure some part of her liked the power, especially when she started charging me $15/minute just to talk on the phone with her, and I obliged during the increasing moments I found myself in crisis. It became an addiction just like the relationships, the dopamine hit of outsourcing my will to something external.
I hate to admit it, but it was recently reflected to me that this is a pattern that has to some degree continued. However! Healing is a spiral, so this time I’ve been aware of this tendency, and have been checking it constantly. I recently did another rotation with it, getting so lost in the preparations of things, the consultation of oracles and divination tools, the planning and strategizing and setting up the scenarios that I never actually reach the execution phase, and whatever it is becomes yet another thing half=finished, a territory uncharted, all these great ideas with so much promise, never launched, all my kids dying suddenly in their cribs.
Weird — I had that period for a while where I got morbidly preoccupied and terrified by the concept of SIDS at one point in my 20s, even though I never wanted children. Must have been a premonition.
Today, however, I emerged from the chrysalis of the Maya new year and a major phase of the IFS and meditation course I’ve been doing, coming out of a portal where I spent two days channeling intensely and studying with Kit, my advisor not in a body who has been very generous with zir time and energy, and I reached a new level of breakthrough, peeled off another layer of the onion skin, choose your metaphor—that combined with finally finding the teacher and mentor in ancient Irish pagan traditions that I’ve been searching for, and hearing her story that confirms all the pieces of the Immortality Key story that I set off in search of five years ago when I left it all behind and embarked upon this nomadic voyage, the Magical Mystery Tour of discovery, I’m finally ready to start sharing.
I’m calling in trans* emergence, starting with climbing out of my own coccoon, getting out of the tunnel vision lined with my own shit, realizing I am the obstacle, but the good news is, that means I’m also the way.
If you go far enough into yourself, you emerge on the other side, in the unity of everything.
It’s time to come out of hibernation, and I’m taking the first steps, making plans with queer community; reaching out to friends and telling them vulnerably where I’m at and how my heart is and sharing that I really do want to spend time with them, I’ve just been trying to overly control the situation.
I have a plan, and it can be broken. I have a vision for an exhibition and I see it clearly.
I’m ready to become ready to share my life again.
Cord-Cutting Ceremony
Riordan Regan reflects on his journey of healing from codependency, acknowledging the influence of his former mentor Christine while emphasizing the need to move on. He discusses the importance of self-reliance, community, and the principles of radical self-reliance, particularly in the context of Burning Man. Riordan plans to cut ties with past dependencies, including financial reliance on his mother, and seeks to fund his Burning Man experience independently. He also addresses the symbolic act of cutting cords with past relationships and mentors, signifying personal growth and empowerment.
Action Items
Manifest a grant opportunity and fill out the application.
Cut the cord with Christine, Stephen, Mark, and the story of relying on mother's money.
Get different shoes that fit and use own money.
Outline
Letting go of a teacher who helped with codependency, despite still using their techniques and practices.
Unknown Speaker reflects on past experiences with codependency and spiritual practices, still feeling connected to a former teacher despite recognizing her unhealthiness.
Identity, gender, and community.
Unknown Speaker reflects on identity, emergence, and communication.
Self-reliance, community, and inclusivity at Burning Man.
The speaker emphasizes the importance of self-reliance and radical self-reliance in their personal journey of trans emergence.
The speaker seeks to find a grant to fund their experiment in trans living, which involves radically inclusive and self-reliant community building.
Building something from nothing, manifesting a grant opportunity, and ending reliance on others.
Unknown Speaker documents creation of a world that lasts one week, ending reliance on others for help.
Awakening, self-reliance, and cutting ties with the past.
Unknown Speaker discusses cutting ties with Christine and radical self-reliance.
Unknown Speaker enjoys a special cup of cacao, mentions nose congestion, and talks about breaking paradigms.
Cutting ties and empowerment with symbolic scissors and threads.
The speaker acknowledges the help they received from the medicine and the person who provided it, but also expresses gratitude for the lessons learned and the growth experienced.
The speaker cuts the cord with partners they felt they needed to save them, marking a new chapter of self-reliance and personal growth.
Maya New Year: Jodorowsky Tarot Reading and Trans Emergence Exploration
Riordan Regan discusses his journey of self-discovery and the concept of "trans emergence," which involves balancing the material and spiritual. He draws parallels between personal and societal cycles of extremes, such as rationalism and mysticism, and emphasizes the importance of androgyny and the middle path. Riordan plans to explore ancient Irish traditions, particularly through a shamanic training with Deirdre, and aims to create an immersive art installation called the Observatory. He also contemplates applying for Irish citizenship and grants to fund his project, which will feature elements of his personal story and the themes of presence and absence.
Action Items
Reach out to Ladybug at the Theosophical monastery to discuss working with Huachuma.
Apply for Irish citizenship and pursue grant/residency opportunities in Berlin.
Collaborate with Danielle on an interactive game element for the "Observatory" exhibit.
Go through personal notebooks to select materials for the "Observatory" exhibit.
Outline
Eight of Pentacles and Trans Emergence
Riordan Regan discusses the significance of the Eight of Pentacles, emphasizing its symbolism of perfection and balance between the material and spiritual.
He relates the concept of trans emergence to the balance between extremes, such as rationalism and mysticism, and how society has oscillated between these extremes.
Riordan explains that trans emergence involves recognizing that there are always multiple perspectives, using nature as an example of diverse genders and civilizations.
He shares his personal journey of seeking ancient Irish traditions and the importance of oral history in understanding these traditions.
Discovering Ancient Irish Traditions
Riordan talks about his search for an Irish shamanic teacher, Deirdre, and the significance of learning on the land.
He reflects on the historical inaccuracies in recorded Irish history and the need to go back to pre-Celtic roots.
Riordan mentions his plans to apply for funding from a foundation interested in the immortality key to support his art project.
He expresses excitement about his discovery of ancient Irish traditions and the potential for grant funding to support his work.
Personal Challenges and Spiritual Journey
Riordan recounts his personal challenges, including leaving Seattle, dealing with the death of a close friend, and breaking up with a co-dependent relationship.
He describes his spiritual journey and the importance of returning to Ireland, which he believes holds the key to his personal and creative growth. (<= ah - this is the problematic pattern Caz pointed out - thinking you’ve always just found the missing piece that will complete you)
Riordan shares his vision of obtaining an EU passport and the potential benefits it could bring to his artistic and personal life.
He emphasizes the importance of decisiveness and the universe favoring those who make clear choices.
The Observatory Exhibit and Trans Emergence
Riordan outlines his plans for an immersive art installation called the Observatory, which will explore themes of abandonment, trans/queer identity, and presence and absence, using his personal journey as a framework, at the Bidston Observatory in Liverpool.
He explains how the exhibit will feature elements of his personal journey, including spoken word recordings and unfinished sketches.
Riordan discusses the significance of the Nine of Wands and the Knight of Pentacles in his tarot readings, symbolizing androgyny and the balance between solitude and community.
He describes the exhibit as a representation of the transition from one way of being to another, similar to the Age of Aquarius.
The Role of Observation and Technology
Riordan reflects on the importance of observation in trauma healing and awakening, using the human body as a key tool for understanding the world.
He discusses the role of AI in processing vast amounts of information and the need for humans to develop their observational skills.
Riordan shares his vision of a future where humans and AI work together to observe and understand the world.
He emphasizes the importance of building altars to bring the spiritual into the material and the significance of his studies in anthropology and art.
The Mycorrhizal Relationship and Society
Riordan uses the concept of mycorrhizal relationships between trees and fungi to illustrate the interconnectedness of all things.
He warns against pretending that we exist independently, as this leads to societal issues.
Riordan discusses the need for observation before it's too late and the importance of learning from ancient ways.
The Immortality Key and Personal Identity
Riordan talks about The Immortality Key and its connection to his personal journey of discovering his trans identity.
He shares his plans to apply for citizenship in Ireland and funding opportunities in Berlin, highlighting the importance of making decisions that allow for multiple paths.
Riordan reflects on the significance of the Maya calendar and the importance of going back to pre-recorded language traditions.
He emphasizes the need to rehabilitate the feeling function and the importance of somaticism in understanding the world.
The Role of Art and Creativity
Riordan discusses the role of art in exploring and documenting personal and societal transitions.
Riordan reflects on the importance of sharing stories and experiences to help others relate to and understand trans emergence.
He outlines his plans for the exhibit, including interactive elements and the use of various media to convey his message.
The Importance of Community and Sharing
Riordan emphasizes the importance of community and sharing in the Age of Aquarius.
He discusses the need to reconnect with ancient ways of living and sharing before recorded language.
Riordan reflects on the significance of the human body as a tool for observation and the role of AI in processing information.
The Future of Trans Emergence
Riordan discusses the future of trans emergence and the importance of balancing the material and spiritual.
He reflects on the significance of the Nine of Wands and the Knight of Pentacles in his tarot readings, symbolizing androgyny and the balance between solitude and community.
He emphasizes the importance of making decisions that allow for multiple paths and the need to reconnect with ancient ways of living and sharing.
Listen/Transcript:
So my reading from the portal started with the Eight of Pentacles. The eight the number of perfection, wholeness, completion. That's the number in the Maya calendar, the day of ceremony, honoring that which is holy.
Jodorowsky calls the eight the preeminent symbol of perfection and matter in mind, reflected in the archetypes of justice, which I drew in the archetypes deck yesterday, which is cool as shit, a maternal archetype responsible for the rule of law. Her motto could be the only freedom is obedience, the greatest obedience being to become yourself and allow the cosmic laws to take action in your mind and material life. I It's balanced by the moon. The other end, pure receptivity, dreamy, watery contemplation, with the drawing to itself to reflect the solar light, the solar truth, the it, but one you can look at directly, as opposed to staring at the sun, which blinds the and so the eight of pentacles is very much About this balancing the matter in the mystical the spiritual and the material, which is the purpose of my whole life. If you look at my north node, which is also the purpose of trans emergence, really, I keep coming back to this concept. I really think there's something in this, and I know it's not a new idea, but I think the thing that's new about it is really like embodying it on a planetary scale, like we've never done that before. My story is correspondence for the human story, just like probably everyone's, well, everyone's is, but the aspect of mine that is, is that I ping pong between extremes, and so does humanity. And this is what we've done over and over again. We've gone between extreme rationalism and extreme mysticism, like religious zealots, Nash right wing nationalism and and Then ping ponging back to romanticism and, yeah, the enlightenment and the awakening, like religious fervor versus scientific rationalism. We've gone back and forth between these two extremes, but they're both extremes, and they're both actually the same thing, which is the same as our right left politics. They're the same fucking thing. And this is trans emergence. And I'm looking at a picture of a unicorn while I say this, that's on the wall. This is trans emergence, is that there's not just two things. There's always a third one, and probably like a million other ones. And how do we know this? We look at nature which is queer as fuck. There's one mushroom that has 23,000 genders, but they wouldn't even use that language. And if we even look at our own civilizations and look at people going back to before recorded language, like the fucking Irish that I have known this whole time I've known there was a mystic legacy that mapped onto the psychedelic pines story that I left home to find five years ago, which is the energy We're back in this year in the Maya calendar. I
I left home in search of a truth, which is that the roots of all religion were a psychedelic tradition where we shared a consciousness, altering substance with each other and the dead, and we all transcended the spiritual went into the material, and the material went into the spiritual, and the boundaries between all the worlds dissolved, and we used To have neurotransmitters that worked on DMT instead of serotonin, and this allowed us to live in the night world more of the time. We didn't have to sleep like almost at all. And Matias de Stefano just talked about this. And I know he probably sounds like a freaking wacko that academics would hate and say was crazy, but he says he remembers all his past lives, and there's fucking yogis who say the same thing. And this is what Deirdre was talking about yesterday, the person who I'm going to embark on this Irish shamanic training with, because I finally found her. I finally found my teacher. Like I'm gonna cry with joy and gratitude. I've been searching for someone who could teach me the ancient Irish ways, and I knew they were out there, but the problem is that none of them were recorded. It's an oral tradition, and everything with Irish history begins at the Celts, but that's after the freaking Anatolians came in. That's not even like Irish and like druid isn't even, like, really Irish paganism, like, not the kind I'm looking for, not the like, down and dirty shit. And Deirdre knows all about it, and she told me the whole story yesterday, and it maps completely to Brian muraresco story, to the point where I almost wrote him and was like, Dude, I just found the missing piece. But I don't know if I want to give away my findings to him, so I'm going to talk to Roy and Michael about that today, because, like, on the one hand, he's got resources and tons of money, but like, I also don't want to risk a bunch of like, dudes taking my ideas. So, um, but his foundation that contributes to arts projects based on the immortality key, I think that could be a fucking ticket for some grant funding, because if I just don't tell him what I found about the Irish right now and I say I'm writing a play and creating an immersive art installation that partially documents my journey of following the trail of the immortality immortality key, and showing how it maps to my own Discovery of my own trans identity through psychedelics and spirituality and reconnecting to this ancient tradition and reconnecting to my Irish pagan roots. Dude, I think I'd get the funding, but I don't know how much it is. I don't think it's very much, but like, that's something I'm gonna look into, and there's gotta be other stuff. So, um, oh, now I lost my train of thought.
Oh, got me on that tangent. Anyways, I don't know, but that was super exciting to discover. I knew it was out there. Oh, the Anatolian stuff, yeah. So
like, quote, unquote, history begins with the Anatolian invasion, but that's when everything fucking changed. And when everyone thinks about the Irish, they think about the Celts, but, like, that's not our roots. So I'm gonna go there and find out for myself, and I'm gonna train with her one on one, because she was like, honestly, to know the stuff, you have to be on the land. And I was like, I was going to say that to you before you even said it. Like, the ancestors told me that very specifically in the portal, they were like, you're not going to understand it until you put your feet on the soil. And that's why my bones have been saying I need to go home, not so I can get stuck there forever. And that's been the fear, too, as my voice gets all weird, because that was how Seattle was. It was like every time I went back, it turned into fucking quicksand, and it sucked me in and I couldn't leave. And that was 2021 the energy that we're in again, because time is a cycle. It sucked me in, and I couldn't get out, and it was so hard for me to leave, but I did it, spiritual emergency. I hear the siren in the distance. I delayed my departure over and over, but I finally left. My friend's mom revealed that she had secretly had cancer for two years right before I was going to go with all over her body, she died suddenly and horribly, and she was like a mom to me. And then my actual mom said that she wanted me to go, but she was psychically clinging so hard I couldn't get out. And then meanwhile, my spiritual mom, Christine, who I'd become completely co dependent with, dumped me right at the time I needed her most, and dumped Lance right when Janet was dying. It's a fucking mess. I can't believe I got out at all. And it was also just right after COVID. It was right when everything was opening up. And I went to Greece, because it was, like the only place that I could go because I wasn't vaccinated yet. And where I ended up, finally working through my medical trauma and getting to the point where I wasn't scared to get the vaccine anymore, was in fucking Ireland. And so my COVID CERT is from Ireland, and Ireland is the ticket, and I received that in a transmission right before I left London this last time, Ireland is the door that swings both ways. It's an EU passport that's also the UK common area. Like I can get everything I want if I can get a passport through them. And I've had this feeling, and whenever I follow the feeling, it's fucking right, it does not fail me. And I have a feeling that if I just go there and tell someone my story, that they'll just give me citizenship. It happened to Caz in Columbia. I think they'll do it, or at least they'll tell me some way that I can do it. So I'm going to go there this summer, and I'm going to try. And that's the plan, and the universe favors decisiveness. My psyche just needs me to decide something. So that's what I'm doing. There's lots of opportunities in Berlin. I'm going to keep applying for funding, like I just need a fucking EU passport. It doesn't mean I have to live in that place forever. So this is what I'm doing. Yay. This all came from though, that trans emergence is the bringing the material into the spiritual and the spiritual into the material. And this sounds like it's not a new idea, but it actually is, because we've Ping ponged back and forth as a society, just like I have in my personal life, of like clinging desperately and flying in the wind with no planned at all, and like there's always a Middle Path, but we've, we haven't embodied both at once since we were these early, like proto people. Oh, yeah. Mattia sistefano, he talked about a race of people that only had to sleep for like two hours a night because they were from a different planetary system that had, like, a different moon, and so they had different cycle, diurnal cycles. And so if we were more recently descended from some people whose rhythms and frequencies were based on correspondence with other planets, then, yeah, we wouldn't need to sleep as much, it's actually science. And having a different operating system, essentially a different model for reality that relied on DMT instead of serotonin, would give us the framework for negotiating that world, and the reason why we go into psychedelic experience, and it often feels really familiar, but we don't know why is that's why it's in our ancestral memory. It's in our DNA, our bones remember.
And so the observatory exhibit is about observing the transition from one way of being to another one. And this is why it's going to look like mist or Atlantis or King's Quest, the ruins of some recently abandoned civilization as we leave one world and enter another one the age aquarium. Like our material, our matter, our bodies, might vanish from this dimension
and be spirited away into some other plane of existence, and we might just leave ruins behind us, like all these other ancient civilizations, for some other race of people to come in and scratch their heads over
so the observatory is a whole exhibit of abandoned places, empty only leaving traces ghostly hauntology, as kit spoke of.
But whereas kit's performances were documenting the bodies, transmitting things, this exhibit, I will do performances that are all involving humans, but this exhibit is about the presence of absence, a big theme in my writing, the holy longing. It's about the thing that's not there, but your soul knows it is. And this is something everyone can relate to, and this is like the entry point that is needed for people who aren't trans to understand, because it's even greater for us, where it's like we don't even have a framework for what it means to like.
Everyone else has a gender prescription that they follow and like. Ours is based on absence. Ours is based on breaking things down. Our just based on shattering. I mean, trans emergence in general is about breaking down what has been, and we don't know where we're going, but it's about the abandoned civilization. It's about the ruins we leave behind, but the clues that are inherently embedded in all of it, and that's how we build a new identity, and that's how we build a new world. We take the things that have worked before and we bring them along. What are we building? We don't fucking know. What's the answer? We don't fucking know, but we know it's made of these pieces of stuff that worked before. This is what we're observing in the exhibit. Is the fragments, memories, dreams, reflections, little bits of stuff that resonated from my own life, and the way that corresponds with larger trends in mysticism, psychedelia and science, because all those things didn't used to be separate. And I mean, nature is the biggest thing, and that's why the observatory would have to be Vincent. That's why the observatory is in the forest, because if you want to know the answer, just look out the fucking window.
So the nine I next drew the nine of wands,
and like one of these clues about the way forward is that everything in spirituality, Jodorowsky breaks it all down in this book is that it's all about androgyny, Mighty hermaphrodite, the
nine is both active and receptive, an androgynous number in the stage of crisis. Page 303. Of course, that's so funny. The nine heralds a change that will lead the end of a cycle. It's illustrated by the hermit in the sun. Oh, my God, that's what I was literally talking about in my practice this morning that like, let me find the balance between retreating for protection and reflection and like not fearing the day breaking and going out and sharing what I found with the village when it's appropriate, instead of ping ponging between this like screaming at everyone desperately like to listen to me like a psychopath, and then retreating into total isolation and not telling anybody anything. Middle Path, the new consciousness is casting its light, pushing individuals to a new construction, the hermit and the sun, Jodorowsky says, are both similar and opposite, similar because they mark the end of one life and the beginning of a new era. And I pose because the hermit, the hermit finds realization in solitude, while the sun creates a relationship of mutual aid and loving union, and that is what the Age of Aquarius is all about. Is coming together, returning to our coming together and making something new by returning to our roots of poly everything, and living in community and fucking sharing things again, just like you learned when you were a kid, like, fucking share, but also like, it's okay to have individuality and protect your own shit, and that the way into the collective is through first finding your individualness. You
the hermit in the esoteric tradition, Jodorowsky calls a miser. With his wisdom, he hid his light, keeping his knowledge only for the chosen ones. That's not the way to move forward. So I drew the nine of ones, the expansive, creative path becoming more concentrated between life and death. Its attitude could be summed up with this motto, win or die. Well, shit, the warrior, uncompromising, freed of desire. Make no concessions. Be yourself. Act as you must, but be responsible. That's good advice. So the last card I drew in the marsite Tarot was the Knight of I think that's a one. No, that's a pentacle. Of course it is. I draw the knight of pentacles all the time. The knight of pentacles is the androgynous one. Is the hermaphrodite one. I mean, they kind of all are, but wait, is it the night? Yeah, Chevalier, they're in French. Um Knight, of Pentacles in the deck of a lot of transness. That's like the most trans one. So of course, on the first day of the trans Tricera, beginning in the Maya calendar acabal, I would draw the knight of pentacles, the Knights. Oh, that's really cool. So I drew eight nine Knight at random from the deck, and he says, jodoresky says the Knights are positioned between level eight and nine and are carrying the dynamic of the 10. That's fucking cool. It represents the suit attaining perfection.
To keep growing, we must enter the crisis of the nine, the letting go that will permit the suit to transmute into something else. I mean, that's fucking transness, right there. I
He leaps out of the suit in which he belongs to close the cycle. The danger is staying in the crisis forever. Oh, my God. And that's trauma healing, getting trapped in the moment of crisis forever. And that's where I've been. But I had a breakthrough yesterday and over the weekend when I cut the cords with Christine and my mom and my partners. I'm sure it's not over, but I certainly feel the lightness of being today. Yeah, this is the most trans card. Jodorowsky page, 336, of course, there are always threes. I do not know if I am a man or a woman. I am a hermaphrodite who walks over a ground in which no treasure is buried, terrestrial and celestial. The dual pentacle of the page, and the king of my suit has become a single star floating in space. Matter has been spiritualized. Oh my god. It has become fertile and is the mother of eternal life. I am like the flesh of the Virgin Mary, which, at the end of her process, becomes immortal, rises to reign at the center of the universe. This is my destiny. My Mare is not as gentle as that of the night of cups. She advances with measured, but sure, precise steps. She represents my health. She goes neither too fast or too slow, walking at the rhythm that corresponds to her present. The infinite peace stems from the fact that we have vanquished death. I am ready to undergo endless changes, knowing that within my profound essence there is an immutable core. This is what will give origin to the new riches of earth that will take on concrete form in the wand I am already carrying in my right hand, the beginning of a new cycle of activity, of creativity. So there we go and the exhibit of the observatory will include, like some of these cards laid out in a spread. It will include, like a talk boy and like some of these old tape recorders where people can press play and hear me do some spoken word, where there'll be a computer where they can scroll through the otter analysis and they can read the summary. They can listen to something. They can read the transcript, you know, they can, like, digest it in whatever form they want to.
There will be sketchbooks flipped open to certain drawings that and like, there'll be a printout of the email next to it from like the print shop saying they look unfinished. And it's like, that's the point. And
then there will be something from the Monet exhibit, where I took a picture of it, saying that he got so upset by the criticism that said his paintings looked unfinished. And this is what made me not go to art school when I was a kid. Was my dad saying that I had to make things look more realistic. And I was like, but it feels more like like we had this conversation. I was like, it feels more like the person the way I've drawn it. And he was like, but it doesn't look like it. Look at it. And he would measure it, and he would draw it on a grid and be like, Look, the proportions are off. It was always the fucking proportions, which is funny, the divine proportions. And I was like, I don't care. It feels like them, so I want to leave it. And I would leave things. And if I would ever try to change them, I would erase so many times that I would erase holes in the paper, and then I would ruin the whole drawing. And so I ended up quitting all of it.
And this is something I think a lot of people can relate to, and so I can share stories like this in the exhibit. But also then there's like, gonna be a whole part where they go into, like my bedroom area, and then it shows, like the trans journey. And it's like me trying to
do this with my body, and people being like, this is what your body's supposed to look like, and this is how you're supposed to dress. And like the culture being like, this is what a woman looks like. This is what a man looks like, and me being like, but I'm not either of those things, and it's the process of stripping away the presence of absence. I don't know what it is, but I know it's not this. That's the spiritual journey, that's the trans journey, that's the transition out of the Age of Pisces and fucking organized religion into the Age of Aquarius. And like, we don't know, but it's not this. But actually, there is a framework, because time is a cycle. You have to just go all the way back. You have to just go far enough back. And this is how the Irish paganism connects. And this is why I've been searching for my origins. Like I was wondering for a while, is this just a Wounded Child part that, like, still wants my dad to like, think my drawings are good and like, love me. And is that the only reason I'm trying to like, live in Ireland? And should I stop doing that and then realizing, no, there's actually a great truth in this that my bones have been searching for, which is that part of the fucking story was missing, and it's because you just have to go further back to before there was writing. And this is why writing has felt like a trap. And this is why I have been like, I don't want to write anymore. Is because we have to go back to before there was recorded language. We have to go back to rehabilitate the feeling function, to get into the time when we got into our emotions, it got into our bodies before we wrote shit down. And this is, oh my god in Egypt. I got the vision in the Great Pyramid when we had the darkness and the silence when we weren't toning, when we weren't making sound, when we just sat in the silence in the dark. I saw a vision of Sean Connery from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, saying, I wrote it down in my diary so I wouldn't have to remember. And isn't that the fucking trick of everything? We started writing shit down so we wouldn't have to remember. And if you don't use a muscle at atrophies, let me tell you about that. When you break your pelvis and you lay in bed for six months and then your legs don't work anymore. You have to learn how to walk all over again, and your mom has to help you when you're 40, to put your fucking pants on and wipe your ass. And it's humiliating, but it's also like really liberating and beautiful, because we experienced each other dying before it even happened, because time is a circle, because healing is a spiral, and it's never over. You just come back to different parts of it at different levels and work through another layer of the onion and oh, my god, am I here again? Yeah, yes, that's how it works. Over here. Are we here as a society again, where we have to fucking remember how to like, share and play nice with each other? Yeah, we do. Are we here again? Is this society where we have to remember that? Like if we write everything down, we don't fucking remember anything, or if we rely on measurement and studies, just like yesterday, Laura was saying, you don't you can convey the information without doing a research study that is boring and you don't even want to do it anyways, this is how we remember as a people go back to before we fucking recorded everything, and get into the body and get into the feeling, and get into The somaticism, and get into the imagination, just like young was tapping into but this is transvergence. Then we bring in our scientific tools, because also we have those things now, and we can hold two seemingly contradictory things at once. In fact, we have to. Otherwise, we're gonna fucking die. And, I mean, that's gonna happen anyways, but, like otherwise, this whole civilization is gonna totally collapse, and maybe that's what happens anyways, but we could at least try. And this was the download I got on top of the noun when I went and stayed at the Theosophical monastery in California a month before I broke my pelvis, and I sat with some mushrooms, and I saw a whole world appear before my eyes. After I spent the whole night thinking I was going to die and that it was all on me to keep the fire burning, the message that the guides told me was we have to help each other stay alive a little bit longer, until the others get here and we can put the fire out. And I saw a vision of ships coming in the sky, but they were like galleons sailing. And it was basically like, we have to redo colonialism and, like, start over and tear down these foundations. And then I saw a vision on the hillside of all of us, like, go recreating, like the it was like, we went all back through all of human history. I'm crying right now because it was so beautiful. I like, watched all of human civilization replay itself again. And it's like, yeah, we have to do it again. We just have to keep doing it again. We get better at it every time. And so can we go back now and learn from the ancient ways before we wrote everything down, but bring our new tools of observation. And the tools of observation include the human body, and this is what Terence McKenna talks about. Our body, the human being is maybe the key to the unfolding of the new dimension is the singularity, because we are a technology, not that's all, not because we're chosen, not because we're special, not because we're God, but also like because we are, because everything is, because everything's a correspondence, but we're just the most highly tuned precision instrument that's ever been created to observe all of the different things happening on Earth. And the more we develop our tools, the more we can observe all these things at once. And it speeds up and it speeds up. And this is why AI is helping, because now there's so much information that we can't process it with our instrument, but we can observe it. And that's the key. Is someone has to observe it. That's the key to trauma healing. That's the key to awakening observation. And this is why the observatory and our bodies are altars, and we build altars to bring the spiritual into the material material culture. There's a reason I studied anthropology, even though I wanted to be an artist, because I had to learn this shit first, and now I can go back and do a creative research practice that fuses both together. I feel like I'm going to explode, but I'm also really calm. We build altars because they bring the material into the spiritual and the spiritual into the material. They are the intermediaries between the worlds, and this is why I need to go to Peru and sit with watuma and learn from the people about building the altars I've wrote Laurel and I haven't heard that. Actually, I should reach out to Ladybug, speaking of the Theosophical monastery. She lives there, and she works with Huachuma, okay? And that's part of the five year plan. But first I need my Irish foundations, because I need to, like, keep myself from flying off the planet, and I need to keep exploring my trans identity, which is why it's not Ireland or Germany. It's Germany and Ireland in each other, and this is why, when I was walking around town listening to Young's autobiography The other day, things were unfolding synchronistically, in a way that actually, like terrified me, but it was also really exciting, where I discovered the collective of Irish artists who had a fake wake that was basically a funeral feast, which is basically the exact type of event that I want to bring to life for my community on my birthday. And they had all these flyers about it, and we're just giving them away that were like, Who wants these? And then they told me about this, about the Irish embassy that always does art exhibits, and I went and looked it up. And this weekend, I'm going to Bridget's fest. Bridget is the priest, just basically the the saint, the Christian mystic associated with the Amanita muscaria tradition, like she basically is aminita personified. Like you can't make this shit up. What does it mean? I think it just means you don't have to choose, but you do also have to make some decisions. So I'm going to try to apply for citizenship in Ireland, but also apply for like grants and residencies and funding opportunities in Berlin, because things can be both things, in fact, they have to be.
How do we know? we look out the windows of our observatory and we see the trees and we see the fungi, and you can't have a fungus without a tree, and you can't have a tree without a fungus. That's called a mycorrhizal relationship, folks, and we have to remember that we live in relation with other things. In fact, we don't exist any other way. And when we pretend we do, that's how we get where we are today. Then we're fucked. We can pretend like that's not the way it is, but it's not gonna work out well for us, and that's what we're seeing. So let's observe before it's too late what has happened. And I wanna take people through this immersive exhibit. And I know this is a really big idea, and I know there are always big ideas, but I actually also don't think it's that big. It's just setting up a couple rooms in the Bidston observatory so that they're like, creating this abandoned mist land like the whole place already looks like that. I don't have to do anything except take two rooms or maybe three, and leave some of my shit lying around and put in some flyers and lead people through the experience. And I want to see if Danielle is willing to collaborate with me on some kind of interactive game element, but that might be for something else. That's mainly it. That's mainly it. I don't actually think it's that big a lift. The big lift will be me going through my own notebooks and trying to pick stuff that actually that's gonna, oh my god, I'm gonna need a lot of drugs for that.
