Receiving my thesis through direct experience
Wow. I am overcome with gratitude and completely enchanted. The universe always knows exactly what it’s doing and brings you exactly where you’re meant to arrive in divine timing.
Ensouled, bemushroomed, enchanted, just like the world.
After so much fear, so many circles around the drain, so much desperation and absolute conviction that I had to prove why I deserved to be here, validate what I was doing, build in some more false senses of security, I have arrived at that confirmation, empowerment, Gnosis that I have needed since childhood. And I finally understand, gnow, and feel in my bones what it means to be hollow, to be a shaman, to be a human and divine.
I have finally come home.
And in that homecoming, my thesis, my healing, my direct experience and divine revelation, the work of this incarnation, poured into my vessel from the heavens, and I see now why, when I first set out on my nomadic voyage, the universe was bombarding me with the message that I already had everything I needed and had been at the party the whole time. I had to leave to find it, but now I feel it, I hold it, I keep it with me always. I have always known, always been home, and I could never be alone; I get what Ram Dass means now, the very conception is laughable. That’s the cosmic joke, and it’s actually quite funny once you’ve gotten the punchline. We are mychorrizhal like the trees and fungi, symbiotic with every living ever-loving thing in this dimension, inextricably interwoven in the divine net and cosmically embedded.
You couldn’t be alone even if you tried, and you’ve been at the party the whole time.
SUMMARY: Riordan Regan expresses profound excitement about his PhD program, which integrates self-healing, trans* emergence, and the concept of the singularity. He describes a revelatory experience involving plants and mushrooms, symbolizing his divine union and personal awakening. Regan connects this to shamanic traditions, emphasizing the importance of syncretism and the role of bones as conduits for ancestral knowledge. He discusses the significance of cacao as a sacred elixir, linking it to historical elixirs like Soma. Regan also reflects on the need to correct historical narratives and the importance of performance in his academic work.
LISTEN:
OUTLINE:
Revelation and Self-Realization
Riordan Regan expresses extreme excitement about his PhD program, feeling like he has finally found his purpose.
He describes a profound experience with plants and mushrooms, which he interprets as a divine union and an antidote to self-gaslighting.
Riordan mentions his use of lion's mane and other natural substances to balance his nervous system.
He discusses the symbolic significance of Amanita, cacao, and the forest, representing his Holy Trinity.
Divine Union and Symbolic Representation
Riordan elaborates on the symbolic representation of the forest as trans and queer, and the divine trinity with it, our bodies, and the cosmos.
He mentions the deer as a symbol of resurrection and its significance in shamanic traditions.
Gabriella's class that describes the deer painting in the Cueva el Miron in Catabria, Spain as a symbol of death and resurrection further reinforces his epiphany.
Riordan fears the Enlightenment and the rationalist, materialist paradigm that devalued direct experience and spiritual knowledge.
Human Purpose and Divine Role
Riordan believes humans are unique vessels for collecting and translating experiences into awareness.
He describes humans as divine archetypes, collectors of information, and observers of the cosmos.
He identifies himself as a shaman, reclaiming the term and acknowledging its Siberian and Celtic roots.
The importance of bones and their role in connecting with ancestral lineages and medicine traditions is emphasized.
Shamanic Role and Syncretism
Riordan explains the shaman's role as an editor and director, capturing and sharing experiences.
He discusses the importance of sharing knowledge with the community to validate the shaman's existence.
The concept of syncretism is highlighted as the bringing together of different experiences and observations.
Riordan identifies himself as a psychopomp, a guide and guardian of souls, and a hollow bone for divine messages.
Trauma and Sensitivity
Riordan connects trauma to sensitivity, suggesting that traumatized individuals are often shamans.
He references Gabor Mate's idea that sensitivity is the only hereditary quality, making individuals good containers for experiences.
The process of healing oneself is seen as a prerequisite for healing the world.
Riordan discusses the importance of receiving and feeling, rather than just doing and producing.
Nomadic Journey and Personal Growth
Riordan reflects on his nomadic journey and the messages he received about already being at the party.
He describes the hero's journey as a necessary process to realize that one already has everything within.
The role of entheogens and medicines as catalysts for activating inner potential is discussed.
Riordan emphasizes the importance of returning home and sharing experiences with the community.
Reconnecting with Ancestors and Lineage
Riordan talks about the significance of reconnecting with physical bones and ancestral lineages.
He mentions the importance of funeral feasts and drinking with the dead in shamanic traditions.
The role of bones as conductors of interdimensional travel and vessels of collected experiences is highlighted.
Riordan plans to reach out to experts in Ireland for further insights into bone work and shamanic practices.
Food and Medicine
Riordan discusses the importance of a balanced diet, including fish, vegetables, nuts, and cacao.
He compares his diet to that of yogis, emphasizing the scientific and historical basis for its effectiveness.
Cacao is described as a unique medicine that is also a food and beverage, similar to the ancient elixir Soma.
The concept of the Holy Trinity encapsulated in one sacrament, such as cacao, is explored.
Trans Emergence and Singularity
Riordan connects trans emergence to the ability to observe the entire cosmos at once.
He discusses the potential of bringing a physical body into the DMT realm as a significant event.
The idea of the singularity and the event horizon as representations of the ability to observe the whole cosmos is explored.
Riordan plans to discuss his ideas with sources like Ash and Gabriella, while keeping his PhD research confidential from the larger public (including TED, for now).
Healing and Self-Realization
Riordan emphasizes the importance of healing oneself before healing the world.
He describes the process of individuation and trans emergence as a two-part process.
The role of the hollow bone in healing is discussed, along with the necessity of horizontal healing before vertical transcendence, as expressed through Ken Wilber’s integral theory and concept of holocracy.
Riordan reflects on the metaphorical nature of the matrix and the DMT realm as representations of other dimensions.
Paradox and Self-Gaslighting
Riordan discusses the paradox of self-gaslighting and the need to turn off the lights to see again.
He describes the production of natural DMT in the body and the importance of remembering one's inner medicine.
The role of performance and curation in presenting his thesis is emphasized.
Riordan reflects on the importance of using his skills as a journalist and academic to validate his work.
TRANSCRIPT:
I'm giddy. I'm laughing, I'm bemushroomed, and I haven't even taken anything besides some lion's mane. I just had to try to balance out a little because I'm so excited that I can't even contain it. I just directly received it, the revelation, the direct experience of what I was put on this earth to do, and it's the PhD program. The beauty is that I'm already doing it. The beauty is that I'm at the party already. The beauty is that I see now what I'm doing. It's this imposter syndrome. It's the self-gaslighting. I'm still trying to prove myself over and over, even after I've already gotten there, like I made it. That's what they're telling me, the plants, the mushrooms, the forest, Amanita and the forest, the sentient entities that, for me, best represent the Divinity: Amanita and the cacao tree, the World Tree, the forest; the tree and the mushroom that live mycorrhizally, in symbiosis. Of course, this is my Divine Union. This is my Jesus. This is my Trinity, Amanita, cacao, and DMT? Amanita, cacao, and LSD? Amanita, cacao, and me? Amanita, cacao, and ooh, this is it. This is it. Amanita, cacao, and the Divine Androgyne. Amanita, cacao, and the trans; yep, that's my Holy Trinity, the mushroom and the tree that live mycorrhizally, as they do in the forest. I mean, at first, what I was saying with them, and you take a cacao in the forest, but the forest is trans. The forest is queer. So yeah, I guess my images, my images that represent the Divine Trinity, which is fractally holarcically represented within our bodies, in the cosmos, for me, it's represented by Amanita, Cacao, and the forest, but really it's, I don't know, the divine parents; the Holy Child.
There's something with the deer, though. So maybe the deer, I don't know, the deer, is the resurrection symbol. There's a reason that Ash gave me the [Celtic artwork from Ireland depicting the] deer Shaman. And then, as I'm watching Gabriella's class, she starts talking about the deer as the symbol of death and resurrection, represented in the [Cueva el Miron] cave in Spain. So we'll have to look into deer shamanism more.
This is my awakening, my epiphany, my integration, is staring into a candle flame in the dark. I see why I fear the light now, because the Enlightenment is when the rationalist, materialist paradigm took over; when they decided we started needing to use words to prove things. [THIS IS “THE TYRANNY OF WORDS,” the phrase that dropped in a while ago without context!] The real truth, the subconscious, the esoteric, the spiritual, those who don't have bodies, the plants and trees and animals and fungi and the dead and the energies that animate everything, they speak in images; they don't use language.
So I fear the lights coming on, because the Enlightenment is when they took the knowledge of direct experience away from us and started telling us we had to validate it with scientific measurements, with numbers and letters, with figures and records, the research studies and data. At the same time, these things are ways of capturing and measuring the experience of being material, of being in bodies, of being 3D; and the reason we're here as a species, I really believe this. I feel like this is a received truth from the other realm, that the reason we're here as a species is to help this dimension transcend and include by being the unique vessels, the prendas, the altars, the containers—we’re just the containers, we’re the hollow bones, the collectors for information, experience and sensation, with the ability to translate it into awareness, the ability to observe it, because observation is what makes the quantum universe go around. The ability to observe the entirety of the cosmos at once. I mean, I guess this makes us a god, but a god in the sense of an archetype or a divine energy, in which sense, yeah, us and everything. But we are the unique ones. God. Is this a freaking Platonist view? Am I a Platonist? Of course. Whatever you resist, you are, right? I don't know. I'm a shaman. I'm a motherfucking shaman, and we're reclaiming that word, and yes, it's been appropriated, and yes, I honor and acknowledge and affirm that it comes from Siberia. But you know what? Amanita, I am a priestx of Amanita, I am a carrier of this mushroom, and so this is my lineage, and I can claim that, I can claim that, I can claim shamanism, because the Amanita tradition, which is present in Siberian shamanism, is also present in Celtic shamanism, and that is where my bones are from. That's the role for bone. So that's why bone is important. Oh my God, and the ancestors knew this. That's why drinking with the dead. That's why the funeral feast. Oh, my God, I'm this is fucking all making sense. This is so wild.
This is why the bones are important. I don't know that I 100% understand it, yet, they're crucial. I gotta reach back out to that person in Ireland who does the bone work. And maybe Gabriella to talk to that. Talk about that. Okay, Cacaosita, gracias, this is why I see I need extra right now, because I have a lot of research to do. Oh, my God, I've got a lot of connections to make. Okay, the bones have the quartz crystal. They conduct something across dimensions. So each of us, with our unique vessels of collected experience, have the ability to activate a different ancestral line, a different medicine tradition, a different lineage of the same culture of direct experience. That's fucking it. Our unique bones. The unique lineage, the unique flavor of direct experience that comes from a place, a collection of vessels in one place, in one moment, the altar that collects the prendas. The prenda is the individual vessel. The altar is the place where they all come together to form a syncretic culture. The syncretism is a big part of the point. It is the point, the syncretism is the bringing together of different experiences, perspectives, the bringing together of different observations, because that's what makes it real in the quantum realm. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. This is what shamanism is. Shamanism means one who knows. That's all it means. And we know because we receive, we know because we observe, we know because we curate and we edit. We know because we're editors. That's all shamans are editors and directors fucking a I've known it since the beginning. We're artists that capture the images. We're performers that speak the tones and make the movements we've received, or herbalists who've worked with the plants and the trees and the fungi that live mycorrhizally, symbiotically. We bring them to the village. We bring them to the people. That's why none of this feels like it matters unless I share it, because it doesn't, because the shaman doesn't exist in a silo. They have to hermit, they have to go out, they have to gather, but then they have to bring it home to the people, or else it doesn't matter. Well, that's not true. It does matter, and the individual experience is part of it, but the point of being in a human body is to bring it back to the people, because we can have these experiences of being rocks and being trees, but like all this fuck it that, no, that's not even all of this shit is living symbiotically. So it doesn't even matter.
As a human, maybe sometimes we do have to do the isolation thing because we're self reflexive, and so our ability to analyze our own shit makes it kind of overwhelming. Sometimes, yes, this is part of it. Trauma happens because we're too sensitive, the sensory-sensitive are the shamans in any other culture, those of us who are called neurodivergent and queer and weird and other, it's because we're extra sensitive. Gabor Mate even says it, the only hereditary quality is sensitivity. The only genetic inheritance is sensitivity to your environment. That means the ability to receive, the ability to be a vessel, huh? That's fucking cool. The only genetic factor is how good of a container you are, your ability to receive. So this is sculpture, this is bricolage. This is ethnography, this is editing, this is curating. This is anthropology. It's material culture, anthropological. Material culture, ethnography and performance, ritual, ceremony, acting out what our bones remember is how we transmit the knowledge we've been given, and it's how we heal from the false stories imprinted on us. Bones remember, this is why they're important. Bones remember because they're conductors, because they have crystals in them, because crystals are the vehicle for interdimensional travel. That's why Acacia Okay, I'm getting close to being ready to travel. I'm getting close to being ready to do that. Maybe I start dipping in in Berlin. In fact, I think I might. I think that's actually probably part of what's called for, I think that's part of why I'm going there.
Okay, okay, okay, and I'm gonna be able to come back home to food and beverage, yeah, but it's going to the museum, like you don't go to the museum every day, like I just dip in and I appreciate it, and then I dip out again, and otherwise, food is just nourishment, and that's why I'm learning. And this is what I'm doing. I'm getting tinned fish, and I'm steaming my vegetables, and I'm eating nuts, and cacao is the number one. I mean, this gives me all my basic nutrition. Like, I don't have to think about it. I don't have to do more stuff. I mean, this is what the yogis do, right? It's like have some steamed rice, steamed vegetables, nuts, some plain fish, like, I see why they do it, some fruit like, it makes sense. The shit is science. It's tested, and it's persisted for millennia. For a reason, it wouldn't have lasted so long if it didn't fucking work. The cacao is a unique medicine because it's also nutrition. It's a medicine that's also a food and a beverage. Dude. What the fuck? How did I not realize this before? And this is Soma, hmm, Amanita and cacao, yes, yes, yes, yes, there is something here. I think Amanita. I think Soma is the elixir of the quote, unquote, Old World, which includes Asia and Europe. Well, cacao is the soma of the Americas and Africa. I don't know where the United States fits in. I mean, what the histories of those people? Because they didn't use cacao in North America. Maybe that's a, maybe that's a Soma territory too. I'll have to research that more, dude. I think that's I think that's it. I think that's a big part of it. I think that might be it. I [<—this indicates that I have received a transmission, when a sentence ends with this.] The food that's also a beverage that's also the medicine. I mean, that's what the kykeon is. It had frickin like cheese and grains in it. Yes, yes, yes. And beer, okay? Because the ancient beers were foods, too. Okay, okay, this is the key. This is the key. What makes it the sacred elixir of immortality is that you can live on it. It's psychedelic, but it's also a food and a beverage. It's everything you need, all in one. This is the Holy Trinity, body, mind and soul. The Holy Trinity is encapsulated in one sacrament, because it's something that's psychedelic, food and beverage, all in one, this is what elixir is. This is ambrosia. This is soma, dude.
It's all code for the sacrament, which is all code for yourself, because obviously, it just awakens what's already inside you. It doesn't imbue something upon you that you don't already have. So like, yes, that's the Divine Trinity. But all but it only works with a conductor that which brings down the lightning. Maybe it comes through the mushroom, but it's you. You're the conductor, you're the conductor, you're the vessel, you're the container, you're the altar, you're the prenda, you're the medicine. All it's doing is activating what's inside of you.
Trans as an emergent archetype is the ability for the human vessel to awaken its ability to be the prenda, to be the conductor, the synthesizer, the observer that brings together all of the experience of the cosmos, and that's the singularity: the ability to observe the whole cosmos at once through something material. I do think there's something to bringing a physical body into the DMT realm. I think that might be the Eschaton. I think that might be the Event Horizon. I think that might be the zero dawn. I'm really tempted to talk to Michael [Phillips, host of the “Third Eye Drops” podcast] about this, but I think this is my PhD research, and then I'm giving it all away, so I probably shouldn't do that, but I can talk to my sources about it. Ash, Gabriella, Acacia, I think that's it, dude, holy shit. I think I just solved humanity, part two.
And the beauty is that I don't tell the story. The beauty is that the thesis is curatorial, editorial, ethnographic, I use myself as an example of the self-healing principle, because we have to heal ourselves before we can become the hollow bone. But the hollow bone is a key element of this. It's like part one. It's like a two part process, but this is individuation, right? Trans emergence means we advance to the next level, means we transcend this dimension, and part one of that is by healing ourselves, and that gives us the ability to become the Hollow bone so then we can heal the world.
It has to start horizontally before we can move vertically. So first we have to heal on the holon level, the horizontal level. We heal ourselves. We heal help each other heal ourselves and then, whoever's left, whatever we haven't burned to the fucking ground. Then, I mean, it's like, this is the matrix, right? It's all a metaphor. I really think it is a metaphor for going into the DMT realm, I mean, and that's just a metaphor too, like it's the ability to bring the material vessel into the spiritual realm. This is the singularity, this is the event horizon. And maybe I feel like probably lots of people figured this out already and said it in different terms, but like, that's alchemy, right? But now we have the ability to do it with technology. AI is part of it; the internet.
Now we release the tyranny of words, but in order to do that, we have to write our shit down first, because everything's a paradox, we first have to correct the histories, like, since we got to this place, like writing is a tyranny, because it creates a reality. It makes something fixed in place that was always supposed to be fluid, that was never meant to stop moving. But given that, that's what we've done, given that history has been written incorrectly by just about every motherfucker that ever captured it, first, we have to correct it. First, we have to represent the underrepresented. First we have to claim our individual identities so that we can dissolve them. Before we can transcend, we have to include first. So this is my role. I am here to help document what hasn't been written in words, to be a mouthpiece for the voices that are very loud, or they can't speak at all, or they don't use words at all. So I go into the imaginal and the feeling realm. I go into the medical. And not the medical that's maybe, well, yeah, I guess the medical, because of my injury, the mystical and like, fucking a, man, I remembered all of a sudden that when I was a kid, all of the figures I drew pictures of didn't have mouths, like now I know what that means. Yes, partially, it's a metaphor for trauma. Partially it's because I was getting abused by my fucking Dad and I couldn't say anything about it. But also, it's a metaphor for the fact that we're all traumatized by being told we're only valid if we can capture things in words and formulas and figures, by being told that we're only valid if we use the written, spoken language of the conquerors when our language is symbolic, it's visual, it's somatic, it's esoteric, it's feeling, it's picture, it's singing, it's dancing, it's performance. It's feeling like, no wonder a big part of my Christmas journey was just sitting and listening to music, because, like, we don't get to do that anymore, like we feel like we have to always be producing, and it's fucking exhausting, and we do it until our bodies break, until our roots shatter, until we break our pelvis in five places, because we're trying to be everywhere at once and do everything and convey Everything, because I was trying to write the stories, when instead I just needed to be receiving I needed that's Oh, my God, I get it. That's what breaking my root means, my pelvis, my womb. That's what bleeding for a month straight means. That's what the fact that my left side is completely rigid, called a kickstand by my therapist. That's why the feminine side is so tense that it shatters. Because it's not the feminine side, it's the receiving side, because all along I've been trying to be like a sword, a wand, when I'm meant to be a cup, a pentacle. I mean, it's both, right? We're meant to be both, but, like, it's all there's not a duality, and that's why I'm part of part of my mission is transcending the concept of binary, but like it's not about feminine. It's about allowing ourselves to receive and feel and let that be as valid, if not more so than the stuff that's doing, writing, making, do, make say. Think that's funny. Do, make say, think that band that I love, it's everything I hate. The name is everything I want to stand against. I mean, that's not true, really. Like, yes, we need all that, but that's the fucking, quote, unquote, Western paradigm. That's the capitalist paradigm. Fuck that shit. I want to just feel the music that they're making. I but I guess, like some has to make it right. Oh, my God, okay.
This is it, and this is the beauty, and this is why my nomadic journey, it started with me getting bombarded from every direction by messages of me already being at the party, that everything I had was within me and like it was, but it wasn't, because we have to undertake a hero's journey. That's the only reason we incarnate to begin with. We have to go out there to learn that we already have it within us, because we just activate; that's the entheogen and that's the medicine experience. They're catalysts. They're that's funny that That's dad's business name too. I. They're just activating. That made something stick in my throat. There's something to come back to there. Because, yeah, duh. I mean, Luke, I am your father. We're both 13 fucking Kan. I get it now. I forgot. What I was saying. Yeah, they're just the catalysts. We have to go out in the world to realize that we are the hero and the villain. We have to go out there in the world and meet the outside representations of the heroes and the villains, to realize that we are all of them, already, that we are the whole cast of characters within, but it takes the interaction, the observation with and by and of the outside world, to activate it. Then we can come back home. And the return is just as important as the leaving, and that doesn't have to mean to go back to your physical place, but like, I mean, that's what I'm doing here. I feel like, like Europe is bringing my bones home to where they came from, and that's what our ancestors have always done, and that's why the funeral feasting is so important, because there is something about the physical bones and the physical lineage, and reconnecting to our specific medicines that our bones know awakens our ability to transmit these messages and to do our own healing and to help heal the collective. And then we each bring our unique song together. And in that syncretism. The syncretism is the event horizon. Fuck the syncretism is the event horizon. That's the quantum realizing, yes, that's the singularity, that's we go alone together.
We go alone together is the singularity. That's fucking cool. Wow, that's fucking cool. I think I'm gonna send this to Richard, because he'll appreciate that he came up with that title. Well, we did it together. I said, we don't go alone. We go together. That was my suggested title, and he said, No, we go alone together. I was still too scared to admit that that was true, but it's totally true, and now it's not scary now it's beautiful, because I'm empowered, because you're never alone, because now I feel that I am inextricably interwoven with the very fabric of the cosmos, which includes the physiosphere, the biosphere, the new sphere. I'm always connected to every realm, in every dimension, in every moment. I mean, it's hilarious to think you could ever be alone for a second. I get it, I get it. I get it.
I feared enlightenment. I feared the lights coming on, because that's how they gaslit us. Isn't that funny? Oh, my God, that's hilarious. They gaslit us by turning the lights on. And this is the antidote to self gaslighting is turning the lights off, dude, the antidote to self gaslighting is turning the lights off because everything's a paradox, because the truth is in the opposite, the truth is in the contradiction. The antidote to gaslighting is not turning the lights on, it's turning them off into the darkness. So we can see again, because this is where we produce our natural DMT. This is where we remember that we are the medicine. This is where we remember that we produce the DMT, that we produce the medicine. Yep, that it's within us, yep, yep. That's it. That's the thesis. That's the whole thesis. I just wrote it. And like, Honestly, though, because the way I want to present things is performance. I don't want to have to do them in this way, but I guess I have to. So this is how I use my powers that felt. This is how the wound becomes the powers I use the things that felt like tyranny to my advantage, I use the things that felt like shame to my advantage. Double deception becomes the ability to move between worlds. Being a journalist becomes not a curse, but a blessing, because I can use those skills to help us. Being a nerd allows me to dabble in the academic world enough to get us validated. Being queer and trans, but like also able to kind of pass allows me to move between every realm. I'm a fucking psychopomp baby that, of course, that means I never fit in anywhere, because if I totally fit in anywhere. I couldn't move between all the worlds, and that's why I took off the fucking mouse outfit when I was in the play of Pied Piper as a child, because I knew I wasn't the fucking mouse. I was the Piper. That's funny. So that was Calvin, too. Not the Sandpiper, the pied piper, the psychopomp, the hermetic messenger, the guide and guardian of the souls, but just a hollow bone. I mean, there's nothing special about me. I'm just the vessel that showed up at this moment that was receptive to the mushroom, sending signals through me, as Terence McKenna said, and then mushrooms just a metaphor too, for the divinity that is all of us, because they're all just symbols. Holy shit, I'm so grateful. Thank you medicine. Thank you cacao Sita like I feel like I am full blown, dripping, and I am because the medicines within me. But yeah, I sat with cacao only. I have not microdosed. I have not ingested any other medicines, but they're always part of me. And like, I do think we have to ingest them at some point, maybe to activate it. But like, we don't have to keep doing it. I get it now. And I also think that part of my medium is, yeah, the physical, the physical experience, the material experience of that.
So my medicine work isn't done yet, but I'm going through levels, and I have now, like transcended and included the food level. And I think I've transcended and included the alcohol level, and I think that's why it felt so loaded. Still, it's time to sort of like, say goodbye to that now too. I haven't formally done that. Yeah, that's what tonight is, which doesn't mean I'm never gonna have them again. It just means like, Okay, we don't really do that anymore, only on special occasions. We don't cook elaborate dinners just for ourselves anymore, because, like, we have more important shit to work on now. Foods just feel Yeah, that's why. That's why it felt so lovely. That's why. Oh, gracias para la medicina, thank you for the medicine. Thank you for the divine revelation through direct experience. Wow, wow. Wow.
Thank you Ash and Acacia. Thank you Gabriella. Thank you Darren and Moudou. Thank you Baba Klindi Iyi. Thank you to the oracles of Delphi. Thank you to the priestxs of the syncretic Hermetic tradition. Thank you Hilma. Thank you to the visionaries and mediums. Thank you to the astrologers, performers. Oh, god damn thank you to everyone. I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. Okay,
It's not because we need validation. This just came in. It's not we don't need to. Part of my role is to side-door people like me, Ash, Acacia, everyone, Gabriella, into academia. But not because we need validation. The whole hermetic tradition. It's not because it needs validation. It's because the records need correcting. They are incorrect. They need to be updated. In order for us to transcend and include that medium, first, we have to get it right, and part of being the one who knows is working with the seasons, the cycles of the earth, that which is naturally present, the energies which are naturally present. So that's all the Wheel of the Year is. That's what the calendar system is working with, what's here, translating it, receiving it. That's part of the role of the hollow bone. So.
Top “nuggets”:
I am devising a methodology for self-healing that transcends, includes, and embodies the shamanic tradition, which itself encompasses art and entertainment. It manifests in artistic expression and embodies material culture, extending the concept of the altar to include our own bodies as prendas (in Kit’s terminology)—containers within which we alter our perceptions of the worlds we operate within.
It centers on receiving information through direct experience and communication with the subtle realms—this is the shamanic tradition.
It involves healing individual and collective traumas through conscious dissociation: where we reclaim agency over when and how we leave our bodies and separate from individual experience to find safety and/or merge with the oneness.
Trans* as an emergent archetype means transcending and including the rationalist paradigm of the Enlightenment—which means the alchemical wedding of shamanic and intuitive traditions with technological/scientific innovations: gas chromatography and mass spectronomy for enhanced residue testing that shows what ancient people were eating and drinking, paired with contextual and shamanic knowledge that tells us why; the internet and AI that allows us to observe the shamanic traditions of every culture in the world at once in syncretic transcendence and inclusion of the Hermetic tradition.
It includes transcending and including language to deal in the unspoken, artistic, and somatic realms, but it requires first using words to correct the histories, research, records that were written incorrectly by the conquerors. (*trans doesn’t mean to switch, it means to transcend and include)
Bringing undocumented sources and direct experience into academia and scientific research
The singularity might be the ability to bring the material into the spiritual realm, when in the past we’ve only been able to do things the other way around. And this might literally mean bringing a physical body into the DMT realm. So trans emergence might be the singularity, because this would involve the syncretism of all the world’s shamanic traditions with new technology to give us the ability to observe multiple dimensions at the same time. If we can achieve this I think it is the Eschaton that would end time as we know it and advance our reality, our Kosmos, to the next one.
information is doubling, matter is information, is time information?
Top takeaways for thesis:
Transcendence and inclusion of the Enlightenment and the materialist/reductionist paradigm to create a new material culture:
I fear the light because the Enlightenment is when the rationalist, materialist paradigm took over; when they decided we started needing to use words to prove things. THE TYRANNY OF WORDS - the Enlightenment era began when Copernicus realized the earth revolved around the sun
In the dark we see clearly, we produce DMT endogenously, we can access the ancestors and travel to other dimensions with or without ingesting medicine. The subconscious, the esoteric, the spiritual, those who don't have bodies, the plants and trees and animals and fungi and the dead and the energies that animate everything, they speak in images; they don't use language.
The Enlightenment is when they took the knowledge of direct experience away from us and started telling us we had to validate it with scientific measurements, with numbers and letters, with figures and records, the research studies and data.
At the same time, these things are ways of capturing and measuring the experience of being material, of being in bodies, of being 3D; and the reason we're here as a species, as I have received directly and Terence McKenna shared similarly, is to help this dimension transcend and include by being the unique vessels, the prendas, the altars, the containers, the hollow bones, the collectors for information, experience and sensation, with the ability to translate it into awareness, the ability to observe it.
Writing is a tyranny, because it creates a reality. It makes something fixed in place that was always supposed to be fluid, that was never meant to stop moving. But given that’s what we've done, given that history has been written incorrectly by just about every motherfucker that ever captured it, first, we have to correct it. First, we have to represent the underrepresented. First, we have to claim our individual identities so that we can dissolve them. Before we can transcend, we have to include
We're all traumatized by being told we're only valid if we can capture things in words and formulas and figures, by being told that we're only valid if we use the written, spoken language of the conquerors when our language is symbolic, it's visual, it's somatic, it's esoteric, it's feeling, it's picture, it's singing, it's dancing, it's performance.
It’s a new alchemy, an evolution, a transcendence and inclusion of the alchemical Hermetic tradition—one that is syncretic, shamanic, and techno-cyber-psychedelic (shamano-syncre-cyberdelic?), manifesting minds across dimensions; manifesting models for our minds that allow them to function in transdimensional realms, that allow the material to enter the spiritual for the first time, because up until now, it has ONLY been able to go the other way.
Thanks to advancements in technology, we now have the ability to observe the entirety of the cosmos at once. This has never happened before, and is part of Trans emergence: when you can see the whole picture, you see that everything is interconnected.
This is the body entering the DMT realm, maybe, as the singularity?
Everything is a god in the sense of an archetype or divine energy, but if you follow Wilber’s theory, there is a natural hierarchy, not in the sense of better-than, but of inclusion, there is greater inclusion at the human level, greater power of observation and collection because of our ability to command technology.
We have to go out there in the world and meet the outside representations of the heroes and the villains, to realize that we are all of them, already, that we are the whole cast of characters within, but it takes the interaction, the observation with and by and of the outside world, to activate it. Then we can come back home. And the return is just as important as the leaving. And the return for humanity is the singularity, when we can bring the material into the spiritual realm and go home alone together.
An evolution, transcendence and inclusion, of the shamanic tradition:
The bones contain quartz crystal, which conducts something across dimensions, it allows us to travel without our matter moving. So each of us, with our unique vessels of collected experience, have the ability to activate a different ancestral line, a different medicine tradition, a different lineage of the same culture of direct experience.
the unique flavor of direct experience that comes from a place, a collection of vessels in one place, in one moment, the altar that collects the prendas. The prenda is the individual vessel. The altar is the place where they all come together to form a syncretic culture. the bringing together of different observations, because that's what makes it real in the quantum realm, that’s what makes it material.
Shamanism means one who knows. And we know because we receive, we observe, we curate and collect. Shamans are editors and directors, artists who capture the images, performers that speak the tones and make the movements we've received, or herbalists who've worked with the plants and the trees and the fungi that live mycorrhizally, symbiotically. And we bring them to the village, because none of it matters unless you share it.
The shamans know you're never alone, because now I feel that I am inextricably interwoven with the very fabric of the cosmos, which includes the physiosphere, the biosphere, the new sphere. I'm always connected to every realm, in every dimension, in every moment. I mean, it's hilarious to think you could ever be alone for a second.
It's not because it needs validation. It's because the records need correcting. They need to be updated. In order for us to transcend and include that medium, first, we have to get it right, and part of being the one who knows is working with the seasons, the cycles of the earth, that which is naturally present, the energies which are naturally present. So that's all the Wheel of the Year is. That's what the calendar system is working with, what's here, translating it, receiving it. That's part of the role of the hollow bone.
The transcendence and inclusion of trauma healing:
As a human, sometimes we do have to do the isolation thing, because we're self-reflexive, and so our ability to analyze our own shit makes it kind of overwhelming. "It’s really hard to be a person.” Trauma happens because we're too sensitive; the sensory-sensitive are the shamans in any other culture, those of us who are called neurodivergent and queer and weird and other. Gabor Mate says the only hereditary genetic quality is sensitivity to your environment. That means the ability to receive, the ability to be a vessel; the only genetic factor is how good of a container you are, your ability to be a hollow bone without disappearing completely.
This is sculpture, this is bricolage. This is ethnography, this is editing, this is curating. This is anthropology. It's material culture, anthropological. Material culture, ethnography and performance, ritual, ceremony, acting out what our bones remember is how we transmit the knowledge we've been given, and it's how we heal from the false stories imprinted on us. Bones remember, this is why they're important. Bones remember because they're conductors, because they have crystals in them, because crystals are the vehicle for interdimensional travel.
The memories fracture off as separate entities with their own quantum universes and lives and stories and keep living independently until we integrate them; the new modalities like IFS and Compassionate Inquiry and syncretic medicine journeying that work with archetypes and parts of self (maybe these are the same thing?) are transcendences and inclusions of depth psychology and Jungian analysis.
We become the psychopomps, using the things that felt like shame to our advantage.
For me: Double deception becomes the ability to move between worlds. Being a journalist becomes not a curse, but a blessing, because I can use those skills to help us. Being a nerd allows me to dabble in the academic world enough to get us validated. Being queer and trans, but like also able to kind of pass allows me to move between every realm. I'm a fucking psychopomp baby that, of course, that means I never fit in anywhere, because if I totally fit in anywhere, I couldn't move between all the worlds.
They gaslit us by turning the lights on. And this is the antidote to self gaslighting is turning the lights off, going into the darkness so we can see again—not just metaphorically, as was done with depth psychology, but literally, because this is where we produce our natural DMT. This is where we remember that we are the medicine.
The transcendence and inclusion of entheogens, the sacrament, and the funeral feast:
What makes it the sacred elixir of immortality is that you can live on it. It's psychedelic, but it's also a food and a beverage. It's everything you need, all in one. This is the Holy Trinity, body, mind and soul. The Holy Trinity is encapsulated in one sacrament.
In the Americas and Africa, it is cacao. In Europe and Asia, it is Soma.
Maybe they didn’t need it in Australia because the Indigenous Aboriginal cultures were already directly connected to the dreamtime.
Maybe the transcendence and inclusion starts with Amanita and Cacao but evolves to DMTx and then just us in the darkness, like the Koji shamans, staying in darkness until our DMT awakens. It's all code for the sacrament, which is all code for yourself, because obviously, it just awakens what's already inside you. It doesn't imbue something upon you that you don't already have.
Europe is bringing my bones home to where they came from, and that's what our ancestors have always done, and that's why the funeral feasting is so important, because there is something about the physical bones and the physical lineage, and reconnecting to our specific medicines that our bones know awakens our ability to transmit these messages and to do our own healing and to help heal the collective. And then we each bring our unique song together in that syncretism that is the event horizon.
there's nothing special about me. I'm just the vessel that showed up at this moment that was receptive to the mushroom, sending signals through me, as Terence McKenna said, and then mushrooms just a metaphor too, for the divinity that is all of us, because they're all just symbols.
Transcendence and inclusion of all binaries, including the duality of masculine and feminine inherent to every spiritual tradition:
we feel like we have to always be producing, and it's fucking exhausting, and we do it until our bodies break, until our roots shatter, until we break our pelvis in five places, because we're trying to be everywhere at once and do everything and convey Everything, because I was trying to write the stories, when instead I just needed to be receiving
That's what breaking my root means, my pelvis, my womb. That's what bleeding for a month straight means. That's what the fact that my left side is completely rigid, called a kickstand by my therapist, means. That's why the feminine side is so tense that it shatters. Because it's not the feminine side, it's the receiving side, because all along I've been trying to be like a sword, a wand, when I'm also meant to be a cup, a pentacle.
We’ve been taught to shut down the intuitive, receptive, feeling, creative, generative side that allows us to be a vessel for the subtle realms, so we can’t hear them without help. That includes our own bodies and past parts of self. But we can awaken them through self-healing.
Many of the ancient and Indigenous cosmologies still speak in gender binaries, they talk about mixtures and balances of masculine and feminine energies, but Trans emergence is moving past this concept altogether. Transcending the concept of binary, it's not about masculine and feminine. It's about allowing ourselves to receive and feel and let that be as valid, if not more so, than the stuff that's doing, writing, making. It’s about fungi with 23,000 genders, that’s the way in nature, and “as above, so below” means not that one imitates the other, but that each reflect each other, simply a mirror for what already is. We are already that.
Notes on Methodology:
Do you need a tree and a fungi, psychedelic or otherwise, for the self-healing recipe?
It’s an embodied curation of material culture for self-healing?
It involves the creation of an altar that calls down the lightning, the natural world, and summons the spirits of archetypes and ancestors—but it’s not just a bunch of objects that sit there, it requires the container that is you, you as a prenda; it needs your performance and active participation.
It’s sculpture and bricolage, but THROUGH the BODY. Embodied bricolage?
It’s ethnography and autoethnography, anthropology.
It's editing and curating what others are doing.
It’s performance, ritual, ceremony, acting out what our bodies remember is how we transmit the knowledge we've been given, and it's how we heal from the false stories imprinted on us. Bones remember because they're conductors, because crystals are the vehicles for interdimensional travel when paired with plants.
It’s herbalism, requiring working with botanical allies, plants and fungi and trees, psychoactive or otherwise.
Fucking with time—the 4th dimension
No wonder time is so important—it’s the fourth dimension—we actually live in a multidimensional reality, we just pretend it’s three. Einstein already evidenced through the theory of general relativity that space and time are connected: “In 1905, Albert Einstein showed in his Special Theory of Relativity that space is intimately connected to time via the cosmic speed limit of light and so, strictly speaking, we live in a Universe with four dimensions of space-time. For everyday purposes however, we think of the Universe in three dimensions of space (north-south, east-west, up-down) and one dimension of time (past-future). In that case, a fifth dimension would be an extra dimension of space.”
I need to read Carlo Rovelli again, he explains it better…
Jupiter + Capricorn / Not all who wander are lost
Cosmological metaphysics: Astrological Jupiter, the New Moon in Capricorn, and the Gregorian transition
Jupiter synchronicities
When things like this happen you can’t help but realize that everything in the universe is in perfect alignment all the time, and you just trip in and out of the flow sometimes
Every single thing that dropped into my awareness and conversation this morning turns out to be represented by astrological Jupiter
I “happened” to be talking with Brian after not doing so for months and letting him into my morning portal bubble which I almost never do with anyone - turned out to be the right kind of vulnerability - and I realized he and I have been helping each other individuate this whole time. walking each other through the COVID bubble - the womb and the tomb - THIS WAS INTUBATION - THE DREAMING CHAMBER OF THE ASCLEPION - but those who didn’t realize what they were entering into emerged more traumatized, while others of us were alchemized and forged a new beginning
this was my Jupiter returning. my Jupiter is in Capricorn, so of course this is activated this new moon
Brian brought up apropos of nothing we said but that was being vibrated by the biggest fucking particle in the cosmos the exaggeration he and I are both prone to - it’s what makes us great showmen and drawn to food and beverage education - this is basically the most Jupiterian thing, teaching people where their food comes from - holy shit!
he mentioned how people have commented on his tendency for hyperbole, how could everything be the best thing ever? and he said that it was to him in that moment, and couldn’t that be enough? I love this way of framing it, it helped shift some things for me, and I shared how Jim had said something similar and I felt shame, and then later recognized it as a positive thing, and branded me the Celebrator, which is a quality I love about myself, and Brian found comfort and honor in this, too.
The Celebrator is Jupiter and he can overwhelm people with his enthusiasm. he just gets so damn excited about everything. maybe this is where being more Saturnian or Capricornian comes in
New moon in Capricorn
The legend of Capricorn is linked to the Flood. Enki, the sea goat, helped create humanity because he wanted to create a servant class - whoa! This actually links to what Ash was sharing about the Gospel of Enoch - Enki’s brother, Elil, got annoyed by the human race because they were making too much noise - so the sea goat sent a flood to wipe them out
the goat, the cloven hooved that later became the Biblical enemy - the satyr, Pan, the Devil
Pan is also archetypal Jupiter!!! dude
the flood of sensory information that came in from the human realm was too much for the divinity so they sent the waters to wash the slate clean - but the key to awakening is not to wipe out the voices, it’s to learn to channel them
for me the work is to turn the volume UP on the ones who aren’t very loud in decibels, the plants and animals and fungi and elements and minerals, and turn DOWN all the static I’m receiving from the human systems that are deafening
Really - it’s all a metaphor for healing > and the answer is conscious dissociation
Pain as perceived by the gabatinurgic system is when the body is receiving a flood of information all at one time and it’s overwhelming > so Amanita works upon this system by mitigating the flood of information so not so much is coming in at once and you can manage it - it forces the observer because you can stand outside it, you know it’s still there but aren’t as bothered by it
discernment - is also what Annabelle was teaching to me in our Kundalini lesson - learning what to tune into and what to dissociate from, to fine-tune the nervous system through somatics, energetic science
Gregorian transition
There’s this concept in the spiritual community that the Gregorian calendar is something foisted upon us, an unnatural conformity to a made-up system, and it kind of is, and it’s come to be associated with starting a new cycle of production in winter, which makes no fucking sense
but originally it was developed, as was the Julian, to get society back in line with the seasons after the Roman calendar got it off balance.
but what is also weird is that the Roman calendar was based on the lunar cycle and so is biodynamic agriculture and this should feel natural
The Julian and Gregorian calendars are lunisolar - they actually combine both the moon and sun
Astrologer Rick Levine is fond of reminding us that our months are derived from lunations—the period between successive new moons (or other phases of the moon), wherein a total of 12 lunations amounts to 354 days or roughly a year—calling them “moonths”
Early peoples tracked the 12 lunations to determine a complete cycle (creating the Wheel?)
Solar calendars like the Gregorian don’t exactly map to that but we still use the “moonth” to honor the past
The Julian calendar was an attempted correction for the Roman calendar, which was probably based off Greek and Babylonian lunar calendars
likely established by Romulus, the founder of Rome, around 738 BC. The original calendar had 10 months and a year of 304 days, with the year beginning in March and ending in December. The remaining 61 1/4 days of the year were ignored, resulting in a gap during winter.
WHOA—so winter was literally the time outside of time—it didn’t exist! hibernation, intubation, the womb and tomb
Is this related to ancient Greek dreaming practices? to the DMT and night world model?
The calendar was later modified by Numa Pompilius, the second king of Rome, who added January and February to create a 12-month year. He also added 50 days to the calendar and removed one day from each of the 30-day months. January was given an extra day to avoid having an even number, which was considered superstitious.
further modified by Julius Caesar in 45 BCE, who created the Julian calendar to align the calendar with the rotation of the Earth and its orbit around the Sun. The Julian calendar eliminated leap months, which had been used to keep the calendar in sync with the seasons.
Janus was the god, which is just another word for “archetype,” of transitions and thresholds—he is actually TRANS
two faces, one looking to the future and one to the past. but what about the present?
presided over gates and doorways, rites of passage > which we have lost touch with.
beginnings were important to the achievement-oriented Romans and Janus was always invoked first, as a good omen of launching a new venture—so when this month was created the year had to begin there. which was out of sync with every seasonally based calendar
So Gregorian transition IS an instrument of empire—but the meaning behind the calendar itself isn’t empty. look closer
World calendars, Western transitions
probably the key is that you need both for a complete picture - sun and moon, all the principles
HUH - all of a sudden the Dreamspell, the fake Maya calendar, makes more sense as a system - the problem is trying to pass it off as authentic
once again, maybe the way forward IS syncretic - JUST CITE YOUR SOURCES PEOPLE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IT’S NOT THAT HARD. why do we have to pretend that either we made it up or it’s some ancient practice? Just be authentic!
Lubo still refuses to give credit where it’s due to the people who actually make the cacao he is building a cult of personality around and it’s maddening. All I can do is try to get the other information out there…
Over time the human measurements made the calendars that started off aligned drift out of sync with reality - how did the Maya stay on track?
The Maya calendar is divinatory—cosmological—encompassing above and below and every direction from the axis/anima mundi, the center, the divine queer. Divining = devising = subtracting, taking away the layers of consensus reality to reveal what has always been there > it’s just OBSERVATION of the natural alignment of heaven and earth, cosmos and psyche.
From Maya Daykeeping: Three Calendars from Highland Guatemala
“The three divinatory calendars presented in this volume are examples of a K’iche’an1literary tradition that includes thePopol Vuh, Annals of the Cakchiquels (Memorialde Solola), and theTitles of the Lords of Totonicapan. Two of the calendars were written in indigenous Kaqchikel or K’iche’ languages, but in European script, sometime before or during the eighteenth century. The third example was written in K’iche’and Spanish in 1854. They demonstrate that although linguistic and literary tradi-tions were still being adhered to, there was at the same time an obvious element of adaptation and acculturation, the use of European script. Calendars such as these continue to be the basis for prognostication or deter-mining the favorable or unfavorable nature of specific periods of time. According to the favor of the days, land may be purchased, sales made in the market, profit accrued, and other economic enterprises pursued. The calendar designates the timefor planting and harvest and other agricultural pursuits. The disposition of the dayscan maintain health and foretell illness or death, influence the naming of children. guide betrothal and marriage. Obligations to the dead are fulfilled on days affiliatedwith the souls of the ancestors. These little-known works appear to have escaped the notice of most scholars. Except for occasional mention of their existence, and an unpublished study of the 1722 calendar by Rudolf Schuller and Oliver La Farge (1934), no further work has been done.”
This is why my scholarship is an important contribution to the field - I am bringing in the FIELD research, the esoteric ethnography - those from the underground, the non-published academics who share in private circles and bootstrapped conferences and build their own platforms. The ethnographies of time and space, of day and night keeping - the systems of the day world, the serotonin system, the solar calendar - and the night world, the DMT model, the lunar calendar, the things that dwell in the dark. The ethnographies of darkness? New Hermetic tablets, hyperdimensional diamonds
All astrology is simply a Hermetic reflection, as above so below, of what is already present - it’s not predictive. Our calendars are the same thing, snapshots of things in the heavens that we try to use to govern our movements down here on earth. but we get separated from them
The Julian calendar was proposed in 46 BC by (and takes its name from) Julius Caesar, as a reform of the earlier Roman calendar, which was largely a lunisolar one.[2] It took effect on 1 January 45 BC, by his edict. Caesar's calendar became the predominant calendar in the Roman Empire and subsequently most of the Western world for more than 1,600 years, until 1582 when Pope Gregory XIII promulgated a revised calendar.
The Celtic New Year starts on Samhain - which is when Ash and I had our rebirthing. So we were aligned to our biological system.
But there are so many different ways to track it, it’s cyclical, a spiral, in the end it doesn’t really matter. The Celtic year is a WHEEL - so you can enter at any point and start going around. Starting at the harvest feels super aligned to me as a creature of the night realm - and honestly it makes sense for the whole human system - it maps to the cycle of gestation - the seed is planted in the dark and takes form in the womb to emerge in the spring as a human, but one that isn’t done cooking yet and needs the support of the village during its second gestation. Each harvest season a little more abundance is gathered until there’s enough abundance to come back and share it.
Heliocentric universe, Cosmos and psyche
When we discovered the Earth revolved around the sun instead of the other way around, it was a massive revelation. It should have made us recognize that we were just tiny players on a cosmic stage, that we were intimately interconnected with a whole web of living beings
but instead it made us narcissists, because psychedelic awareness can overinflate us if we’re not prepared to integrate the knowledge that we are everything—so all of a sudden we thought we were God’s chosen people, the divinity, so special to receive this revelation, but instead of believing that we were just aligning, corresponding, with an everything that is always changing, in an archetypal metaphysics of becoming, we decided that fruit of knowledge made us special, God’s chosen ones, and the language of the early astronomers reflected that. And we elevated the human intellect to Godlike status, and thus the Enlightenment was born, which ironically gave rise to materialist reductionism, where the spiritual was taken out of everything and people started believing we were just meat puppetry.
Cosmology is a big concept for my work - it’s not a framework the consensus West was trained to think within
https://beccatarnas.com/2015/06/07/whitehead-and-archetypal-cosmology/
In 1983 a conference was held at this same university, organized primarily by Catherine Keller and David Ray Griffin. The conference was called “Archetypal Process,” and sought to bring into dialogue the process philosophy of Whitehead and the archetypal psychology of Carl Gustav Jung and James Hillman. As Griffin pointed out, process philosophy and archetypal psychology are both postmodern movements, but postmodern in a different sense from the “relativistic, nihilistic, deconstructive postmodernism” that might better be called “ultramodernism, or mostmodernism.”[1]
Process philosophy and archetypal psychology, in Griffin’s words, are examples of “a constructive, reconstructive, or revisionary postmodernism, in which many of the presuppositions of modernity are challenged and revised.”[2] They are postmodern movements that “both want to return soul and divinity to the world.”[3]
In his talk at the conference, James Hillman spoke of the need for a metaphysics that could support archetypal psychology. Hillman had abandoned Jung’s metaphysics in order to save his psychology. Yet this was not enough. Metaphysics is always operative, whether one acknowledges it or not.
What Hillman sought was a metaphysics of praxis, a metaphysics that supported the practice of psychology, the practice of soul-making—an alchemical metaphysics.
This is what I am creating–a transpersonal methodology for devising our deepest selves through creative expression, ancestral connection, our chosen medicine, self-inquiry and observation–facilitating awakening and trans-formation
Which is reflected on the collective level because above/below, within/without
Hillman spoke in his talk of that word, cosmology: it both “refers to the astronomical order of the heavenly bodies, and it also has a metaphysical meaning, according to Whitehead’s Process and Reality.”[4] As Whitehead says, cosmology is a scheme “of general ideas in terms of which every element of our experience can be interpreted
HILLMAN: Let us say that the astronomical bodies (the planets) offer metaphysical bodies (the Gods [or one might say the archetypes]) by means of whom every element of experience can be interpreted. What is beyond in both meanings are the heavenly bodies. These afford some nouns and adjectives, some processes and some realities. The planetary persons fill the void of the beyond with the myths of their bodies and the bodies of their myths. This cosmology is a psychological field—a field because metaphysics is placed in imaginal locations; psychological because the planets are persons with traits, with behaviors, and in relation with one another.
The correspondence of the planets’ transits and the happenings of one’s life, the happenings of the happening that is a human form a sequence of ongoing synchronicities by definition - you just have to tune in
Gregorian + Capricorn transitions
Riordan Regan discusses transitioning from a newsletter to a more personalized approach, focusing on self-healing and integrating various projects. The first installment will explore the concept of medicine, emphasizing intention, preparation, integration, and education. Regan plans to open up his blog and possibly Substack. He reflects on the end of an era as a food and beverage journalist, using food as a metaphor for life cycles. Regan also touches on the importance of energy management, personal growth, and the significance of the Capricorn New Moon. He concludes by reflecting on the Copernican revolution and the need to redefine January's significance.
Outline
Self-Healing and Medicine Series
Riordan Regan discusses the transition from creating a newsletter to focusing on personal life and projects.
The first installment of the self-healing series will explore the concept of medicine, emphasizing intention, preparation, integration, and education.
Riordan plans to present his findings with authority and track his projects through a blog or Substack.
The self-healing series will include Amanita preparatory explorations for Breaking Convention.
This will interweave with the music and psychedelics series—and one on No Bad Substances, maybe one on transpersonal/depth psychology
Join Alcohol and Drugs Society, reconnect with Bradford
Food and Beverage Role
Riordan reflects on the end of an era as a food and beverage journalist and the significance of food as a powerful metaphor.
Food is seen as a tangible representation of life cycles and a medium for illustrating larger concepts and artistic visions.
Riordan plans to conduct gallery exhibitions in cafes, restaurants, and breweries, incorporating psilocybin carefully into personal explorations with food and drink.
The discussion includes the importance of intention and awareness when using substances like psilocybin.
Personal Reflections and Energy Management
Riordan talks about the need to hire Claire to help sort through past work and the clarity gained from conversations with Brian.
The Capricorn New Moon is about protecting energy and being more conscientious about how it is spent.
Riordan reflects on the resolution of a conflict and the need to express discomfort to avoid repeating patterns of dissatisfaction.
The conversation touches on the balance between being alone and living in community, and the importance of setting better boundaries.
Transcending Dualities and Personal Growth
Riordan discusses the concept of transcending and including dualities, using the example of nomadism versus agriculture.
The idea of trans emergence is about integrating seemingly opposing elements, emphasizing conscious association.
Riordan reflects on the influence of astrology and the importance of slowing down to see the patterns behind decisions.
The conversation includes personal anecdotes about overcoming imposter syndrome and the role of inner voices in personal growth.
Gregorian and Capricorn Transitions
Riordan talks about the significance of the Gregorian and Capricorn transitions, emphasizing the need to break down binaries.
The narrative of modern society being flawed is compared to the Puritan narrative, aiming to break free from shame.
Riordan suggests redefining January and aligning with the Celtic calendar, seeing it as a period of gestation and emergence.
The conversation includes reflections on the Copernican revolution and the importance of perceiving oneself as part of a larger cosmos.
Transcript (Listen here):
Well, holy shit. Will you look at that, as usual, letting something go allows it to actually open up. And when I let go of the newsletter and let go of creating anything at all, decided that maybe the B’atz trecena would be about just creating my life, all of a sudden, something just popped in that, I think, is another way to tie things all together, besides the Hackney baths, this modern Aesclepion idea—if the newsletter is a series of ongoing series that come and go, just as I feel they're meant to, without predictable regularity, if they're just ongoing projects I'm exploring and I pop in every once in a while with little installations, yeah, just kind of tag them. It's a way to keep track of what I'm researching and ready to share.
So the first installment on self healing will be this festival welfare thing, and because it makes sense to start with the concept of asking, What does medicine really mean? And in a system where we have to take our own healing into our own hands, and where we're coming from this syncretic lineage, and we're having to learn to navigate how to be alone together, and we're having to learn to navigate how to cite our sources and give each other credit, and we're having to learn how to be respectful.
We're having to change our perspectives. Yeah, in that context, what does medicine need? We need a little help. I Yeah, so that's what this first issue will be, is opening the question of, What does medicine really mean? And I think the pillars and the foundations are intention, preparation, integration and education. Those are the foundations, and actually, and foundation, intention, preparation, integration, education, foundation, the foundation being, yeah, and then it's like, pick your medicine and you'll have a bunch of different ones woven in. So it's time to start speaking with more authority and presenting my own findings and saying, Here's the evidence for something that I'm making a claim about. So that's what I'm going to do with this one. And now this will be the self healing series, and Amanita will be part of that, and the music and psychedelic series will be ongoing as well. And this will be a way for me to track my projects and what I want ready to share with people.
But I do think that maybe I need to, like, open up the blog or make it not password protected. I'm not sure about what to do with the substack portion, or, I don't know, maybe I keep doing what I'm doing and I just, yeah, I don't know, something to talk to Claire about, I think, I think that's part of why that meeting got pushed out. And I don't know it's very interesting the food and beverage role. When I looked at the day that she and I are meeting now, it's 7 N’oj and it's the ending, the ending of some intellectual pursuit and the completion of an intellectual cycle. I just started crying because it is over now, that era of Holly, the food and beverage journalist, and yet I transcend and include and I bring them along with because food is a really powerful metaphor. It still is. It touches everyone, like everyone can understand it, and it encapsulates the whole life cycle of the human of the planet. It really is everything, and I really was onto something then. And as I was saying when I was talking to Prash yesterday, it's really unique in the way that it's one of the few mediums where you're just tangibly aware, you can perceive its ending as inherent in its beginning. I mean, from the moment you take your first bite, it's already over. It's disappearing before your eyes. You consume it, and it becomes something else, but it also dies, even as it gives you life. So it really is the perfect metaphor, and I want to use those to help illustrate larger concepts and artistic visions, and that's why I do want to do my gallery exhibitions in cafes and restaurants breweries. Maybe I don't know ethanol is still a tricky one, and I think, but I also was happy to hear ash talk about psilocybin as being something we can introduce to help us understand other things. So my impulse to bring psilocybin in, if I'm drinking it, was the right one, but you have to be careful and just have the right intention. So if I go in with the intention of help me learn more about this, you have to be careful too, because part of what I've learned in the past is that It's easy to lose yourself. So yeah,
just awareness.
so something's ending, but it's also not, and I think maybe there is still a role for hiring Claire to help me, like sort through some of the stuff that I've worked on up until now. either way, it will be really interesting to talk through it with her. And I find it really interesting too that I get a lot of clarity when I talk to Brian, even though he's the one who used to talk so much I couldn't get a word in, and we've really helped each other grow up. We've walked along the individuation path. We went through the fires of transformation in the caverns of COVID, and I felt so much resentment and sadness, and I actually just Yeah, so part of the Capricorn New Moon for me and 3 Aj today is about going within and protecting my energy. It's about seeing that I have limited energy to devote to things, and I need to be more conscientious about how I spend it. And that maybe part of slipping on the gravestone was, yeah, just needing to spend less time doing things that expend The energy, because it doesn't leave as much creatively.
i also have seen this is so uncomfortable, but how the quote, unquote resolution with Jess ended in it all being my fault? And part of why I expressed what I did was because I already felt a bit unwelcome before that happened. And I think I need to say that, and it's going to be uncomfortable, but I think I have to let it out, because I don't think that's fair. And I think we both are people who say that things are okay, and maybe we really believe it at the moment, but then when we're in it, we realize that we don't want it and we don't know how to get out of it. I know I deal with that, and I think we're worried pretty similarly. and I don't want to repeat the pattern of going for years and things where everyone's dissatisfied and they just need to end. So I'm glad that I'm going to Adam’s. That was a really wise decision, but I need to be brave and bring that up.
And so I see now that part of yesterday's 2 E’ was about feeling like I was caught between mom's and dad's house again, and feeling like I have to manage everyone's feelings, whether or not they're actually asking for it, and feeling like the choices between being alone and living in community, and that it's never that stark, and that I just need to have better boundaries. I always know when I need to be in my own energy, and I actually often don't follow that. And then I think I get into these periods of hermitism, of like isolationism, because I haven't been listening up until then, and the nights it's like, I gotta mainline it. And the idea is that if I can listen in the moments when it's calling and take that time, then I won't have to be so extreme about everything.
Night world versus day world, serotonin versus DMT, Sun versus moon, community versus hermiting, and then if it's in verses, it's all give and take. But also, there are seasons where we lean more into one, and that's okay. We've gotten out of sync, and that's why we keep changing our calendars, because we get out of balance and we try to realign again.
I guess that's what we've always been doing. And the idea that there was some time when we had it perfect is a mythic narrative that actually isn't true. I don't think it's always been changing. It's always been shifting. We've always been rearranging ourselves and our lives to try to align more with what's going on outside. I
nomadism versus agriculture, solar versus lunar, matrilineal versus hierarchical, patriarchal and purple. What if we could transcend and include all of it? What if trans emergence is in taking all of these seeming dualities, transcending and including them? I mean, I know that's what it is, and the key is conscious dissociation, to be able to pull back, slow things down, explode them out, and climb inside them, see where we end and others begin. See all the little patterns behind the scenes. That's been key for me. You think you see the causality. You think there is causality, but nothing's really causality. It's just influencing cosmos and psyche is teaching me, is evidencing this thing I've been feeling, astrology is documenting it. It. It's not causation, but it's reflection and influence. And so I think that I know what's leading from one thing to the next, but if I'm able to slow it down and explode it out so I can see every particle inside the wave that led up to the thing, the fall, the decision, the impulse. Then I see the association that's really behind it, making me unconscious conscious, and it's often something totally different. And I see that actually there are these whole decision trees and possibilities and little universes that begin and end within what I perceive as a split second. And so the manifestation of what's happening might be something actually totally different than what you're perceiving. So one story is that I was on top of the world with this ceremony, and then I stepped out of the ceremony, I got knocked on my face. And that's a victim interpretation, because if I'm real and I climb inside of it, what happened was what happens every time I feel like I've gotten to some new level of awakening or have some moment of expansion, it's immediately followed by not believing in myself. It's immediately followed by imposter syndrome. It's immediately followed by Who the fuck are you to say that it. Is immediately followed by you’re evil. It's immediately followed by, this is the dark sorcery of 13 Kan, it's immediately followed by, you’re Darth Vader, Tyler Durden. Luke Skywalker has been speaking, and I've been reaching him in my IFS meditations. He looks like Kermit the Frog's son who played tiny tim in the Muppet Christmas Carol and speaks with a little voice, but he's got a commanding presence, and he says that he doesn't want to play Leia anymore. He's Luke Skywalker. He wants to be the hero with a story, and he's going to keep talking until someone listens to him. He's little Brian, he's little Holly. He's little Riordan, the Bard and poet of the kings. He's the little hero longing to be seen. And he's looking for his Yoda, and he's looking for his Obi Wan Kenobi, the people to train him along the way. And so sometimes he falls for the gurus. But really, when he can get quiet and get down to his essence, he sees that he is Jesus. He sees that he is the Christ consciousness. He sees that he is the force and the magic is within him, and everything else is a feather, just for pretend.
So this New Moon is about being Luke Skywalker. This new moon and this Gregorian transition is about flipping the calendar and breaking down the binaries and not actually resisting the Gregorian New Year either, but seeing that that was our attempt to get back on track. Bless our hearts as a civilization, we've actually been trying. We've actually been sensing that something was wrong. We've actually been trying to get back on track. And the narrative that we're bad and wrong in modern society is flawed and we're hurtling towards some demise of our own creation is just actually perpetrating the Puritan narrative. Is actually just perpetrating that same, same shame shit that I want us to break free from. So can we transcend and include it? Bring the Gregorian calendar with us? Fuck it. It's what we're already doing. But can we learn to acknowledge that it doesn't have to mean doing. Can we redefine what January means? I'm gonna look back to Amazon. If it's Jupiter, then that's actually a pretty queer, trans archetype, and it's about gestation, and it's about what's starting to emerge, which actually is in alignment with the seasons right now. It's gestating.
This isn't the death phase. We already went through that. And actually, if we align with the Celtic calendar, then the new year started in November, and that actually feels aligned. That felt like the Death period. And then there's the stillness when something's growing below the surface, and you can sense it, but you can't really perceive it yet. And that's definitely the portal I just came through. That's definitely the Amanita journey, is like something's happening, you just don't really know what it is, and then you start to see the signs, and then it starts to emerge in your life. And little by little, you start to see that you're doing things differently. And I think that's the period we're in as humanity. And I think that's the period that we're in in January, and I think I need to share this, and it doesn't matter if it's perfect, it'll resonate with the people that it's meant to.
We can feel like we're falling behind or we're not on time, and 40 revolutions around the sun seems like a lot from one perspective, but from another, is nothing. It takes as long as it takes for us to learn the lessons in an era of so much estrangement, in alienation, where we have to figure so much out for ourselves, I think it's pretty fucking amazing if we can figure anything out at all.
So Happy New Year. I think it's okay to keep celebrating them again and again, because new things are always beginning. Why? Not have a cause for celebration. That's kind of my thing. Who am I to shut down the ceremony?
So happy, happy Gregorian transition, another revolution around something we perceive as the center of the universe. And that's really interesting, isn't it? Oh, my God, of course, of course. Right now I'm reading about the Copernican revolution. Of course. I just love the universe. I knew there was a reason I was being led to read cosmos and psyche right now, and it's talking all about the Copernican revolution is changing everything, because it was when, for the first time, we saw the sun as the center of the universe that the Earth revolved around. But ironically, paradoxically, seeing that we weren't the center of everything made us feel like we were the center of everything, because we were the ones perceiving it. And the enlightenment and the elevation of the human intellect came directly out of this Copernican revelation because we perceived ourselves as so great for observing, we were really just the vessels that happened to show up in that moment, as McKenna says, the lenses for seeing, for analyzing the whole cosmos in a unique way, that feeling special about us as our instrument is finely tuned to collect and gather all the information and experience synthesize across the cosmos and across these things we Call space and time that are really made up.
And I mean, that is a special ability, and that is something we can celebrate. But the real innovation of the Copernican Revolution was supposed to be that were not the thing the universe revolves around. And then that's what happened anyways.
And I think that's part of what feels like, at least for me, a natural resistance to the Gregorian and I guess the Julian calendar systems is orienting around the sun. I don't know. It feels kind of wrong to me, orienting around the doing and the planting. I think maybe because of this cultural shame, though, because if we're orienting around the seasons, that is oriented around the sun, but I personally feel a lot of alignment with the cycles of the moon, yeah, but yet, the Maya calendar system is a Solar one, isn't it? I mean, we need both that can't be an either or, and it's not, and I honor both and I incorporate them, but maybe part of my resistance to the sun in general is the shame that we took what should have been a discovery of interconnection and an opportunity to see ourselves as more embedded in an ecosystem, and instead, we used it to separate us. Instead, we used it to define us as superior. Somehow. So we just need to reframe it and put things in perspective and in context. Freaking cool. Okay. Gracias para la medicina and Happy New Year. You.
<isn’t that funny that today the AI picked up the transmission as ending with YOU? when last time it was WE, and before that I… FASCINATING
Resources
Laurence Hillman, The Hillman School: 10 Archetypes Course, “The Explorer: Astrological Jupiter.”
Laurence Hillman, Planets in Play, “Jupiter”
Richard Tarnas, Cosmos and Psyche, Introduction
Annabelle Stapleton-Crittendon, personal session, kundalini foundations and 10-body system, 28.12.24
Mark Elmy, Chol Q’ij daily updates
Becca Tarnas, “Whitehead and Archetypal Cosmology”
Little by little
I realize the lessons of Amanita are rolling in slowly, even from my proper journey, just like with microdosing
little by little
you realize you’re become something different
you didn’t respond to that same situation in quite the same way
some part of you did, but you were standing on the outside looking in
and seeing the little kid all the way back behind it, and you just shake your head at them fondly and the power all dissolves
suddenly the power and the charge is taken out, and the thing that seemed so impossible, you can simply respond differently now
I had the coolest most empowering experience of self-healing, as my methodology is deepening
now that higher-dose Amanita is in the mix with kundalini for a fixed routine and psilocybin for raising things for raising issues or asking to see more about other medicines
but getting the IFS meditations back in rotation is crucial as well
after the other day when I was coming out of my ceremony of joy and gratitude, closing the giant ceremonial portal that opened right before solstice and continued to the 13th day of the trecena, when the portal to the ancestors was wide open, and I was exclaiming how thankful and relieved I was to have come through this dark night of the soul and reached a new level of individuation from my mom by reconnecting to that diamond, pulsing, tangible feeling of interconnection with everything through the portal of the forest, the heartbreaking love and temporary reconciliation of the holy longing, that beauty and belonging of coming home to nature and feeling the sentient presence of the elements and animals and energies and grounded spirits, when I felt I had found and embodied god again in a more profound way than I ever imagined and was ready to be a mentor for Aeden and inhabit both worlds in dual consciousness—and I slipped on that moss-covered gravestone I always tell myself to be careful on, and I landed on my leg between the two injuries that have screamed for my attention, and it was a bad one.
I went into a spiral for most of that day, but then in the evening I finally stopped resisting on principle and sat with a microdose of Amanita and talked to a good friend experienced with healing and then it just came to me, the method for approaching it. I needed to go into the experience immediately surrounding the fall and really explore what was happening in those moments, to not just look at the thought process but explode it out, like LSD time-bending capability does with distance and music, breaking things down to the smallest observable level; crawling all the way into those thoughts and moving around in them, grabbing them and rubbing them all over me, looking from every angle. I realized there were about 100 thought trains that had all rattled through my head like bullets right around it happening, even though I had only perceived one or two of them. And while I thought i was in bliss, embedded in those moments were all kinds of negative thoughts and limiting beliefs and shaming voices and stories. There was me trying to make Aeden live my unlived life, even. And by climbing all the way in and really staying with it, it all made perfect sense, and all the charge was taken out of it, leaving only compassion.
then in IFS meditation I met the little kid that wouldn’t stop talking until someone started listening becuase he was so scared of always doing the wrong thing, and his name was Timmy and he was a minitiature Kermit the Frog. Funny now that Brian wants to talk early tomorrow morning…
Then talking about it to Prash not only made me realize how cool this thing actually was I had done and how proud of myself I was, but also really credited more of that forced observer phenomenon to Amanita and made me even more in awe of her—but it also created a mutual psychedelic experience where just talking about alternate dimensions and our brains running simulations and in fact themselves only being these momentary collections of shifting experience, just vibration, and talking about neutrality and non-duality and the goal of existnence maybe being to learn to ride the roller coaster with your hands in the air, fully appreciating every high and low but not really needing any of it, or being too attached to either outcome. And the simple act of talking about all that literally altered my perception, we both said we felt like we were sitting with mushrooms, and I guess we were, but like… literally. It was so trippy. My vision completely went mushroom-pixely and hyperdefined with stark shadows, like it usually does with light psilocybin or Amanita, just a bit of a filter, a remove. It was like what used to happen with Marc only a LOT safer and totally sober, we were co-creating a psychedelic experinece just by conjuring one—I want to study this phenomenon, it was fascinating.
the more we talked about how the universe and even its seemingly most challenging experiences were fascinating and valuable and kind of the point, the trippier our sensory experience got.
the conversation tied in with what I was just reading in Richard Tarnas’ Cosmos and Psyche, talking about how if we choose all the elements of our incarnation before it happens, then really every single experience is an elegantly designed mechanism for delivering some kind of learning or experience that will help our soul awaken.
so how could we ever really say anything but “yes, thank you”?
Then there is hackney baths, the modern Aesclepion, this idea coming together, just maybe…
Absolution
On This Jungian Life yesterday, they were talking about Guilt and Shame - and how we carry these inside us our whole lives, until we find a way to ritualistically release them. And the real relief sometimes comes not from someone telling us we’re not bad, it wasn’t our fault, though we do also need that—we need to know we are safe and held and not being judged—but from someone we trust acknowledging that we did wrong, and helping us walk through
absolution.
Holy shit—that was the name of my favorite Muse album, the one I started listening to again
when I finally left Stephen—which was IN ITSELF AN ACT OF PUBLIC ABSOLUTION—because it was ADMITTING THAT I WANTED IT.
NOT THAT I WAS SOME POWERLESS DRUNK, BUT A PERSON WITH AGENCY
WHO DIDN’T ACTALLY WANT TO BE WITH HIM ANYMORE, AND WAS CHOOSING SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
HOLY SHIT THIS IS FUCKING IT
I have STILL BLAMED MYSELF ALL THIS TIME FOR LEAVING HIM, as we just crossed through THE DAY OF HIS MARTYRDOM—BOXING DAY—when the men with the PHEN came back into my consciousness, and I realized that he lost his fighting spirit, and felt after George W Bush won that the cause was hopeless, and gave up on social justice, and without a real hill to justify dying on, you need something to fight for.
But if you don’t fight for a worthy cause,
you’ll die for anything,
just because.
It’s the legacy of Catholic guilt and Christian shame,
those partners in blame,
that led us astray and called us by our not-names,
made us forget our ancestral legacies,
our connection to the forest and the knowledge that we are trees.
this is why now they’re telling me everything I go into the forest,
“we used to be trees.”
we still can be.
this is why today I am mailing this little owl to my little nephew and telling him it’s a portal
because part of my role as I step closer to my eldership and embrace the 13 Kan
is to help the younger generation know that animals and plants and trees and fungi and the forest are portals to the otherworld
the one they already sense and know
is always there, they’re still so close to it.
And so of course this morning started with a remembering of Drew Arnold,
the Catholic boy whose mom hated me from the beginning because I was leading her son into temptation
with my body
by existing
and even as someone was affirming for the first time that my body was enjoyable and pleasure was desirable
I was simultaneously being taught it was shameful, and I was a temptress
and I remembered that time that he got trapped in my room and had to hold the kid
who was so desperate to connect with this gnosis
but tried to let someone in from the outside world,
and they got trapped in the womb, the tomb, in which I was sealed,
and couldn’t get out, and how fucked up that I lived in an environment where it was suspect that I would want to be totally left alone for a night,
where opening the window or going outside was so strange that it immediately got me grounded
and we both got in trouble
double the shame.
and then in the end he denied my body too,
and made me feel I was bad and wrong for being lustful,
like JP would later do.
But still, I alchemized the pain and turned that story into a legend I would regale our group with all the time
to laughter and delight
I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS VERY PROCESS I’M DOCUMENTING NOW THE WHOLE TIME
ALCHEMIZING AND RITUALIZING
THROUGH STORYTELLING AND PERFORMANCE
TURNING MY EXPERIENCE OF SHAME INTO EPIC POETRY, LYRICAL LEGEND, ORAL TRADITION
AND REGALING THE VILLAGE WITH MY TALES OF ADVENTURE AND HERO’S JOURNEYING
the problem is the stories always ended with me getting grounded
and reinforcing dad’s narrative of Schaeudenfreud
and then Drew and Brandon moved away, and the group dispersed, and I lost my role as shaman and storyteller
when I was alone I got clinically depressed
but EVEN THEN I KNEW HOW TO SAVE MYSELF
I SIGNED UP FOR ART CLASS
AND I SAT NEXT TO AMANDA MEYER AND AS WE DREW SHE TOLD ME ABOUT THE THEATRE
AND HER GROUP OF QUEER FRIENDS AND HER OLDER BOYFRIEND
AND SUDDENLY I DIDN’T FEEL ALONE AND I KNEW THAT WAS THE ANSWER
AND I DECIDED TO WRITE A PLAY ABOUT MY PAIN TOO
AND I STARTED HANGING OUT WITH THE QUEERS
AND SIGNED UP FOR FILM CLASS
AND STARTED MAKING STUFF
AND ENTERED THE FIRST PLAY I EVER WROTE INTO THE PRINCETON UNIVERSITY CONTEST AND I FUCKING WON FIRST PLACE
AND IN THIS ACT OF RITUAL I ALCHEMIZED MY FATE
AND I SHOWED IT TO MY QUEER FRIEND AND HE SAID IT WAS GREAT
SO I TOOK IT TO THE TEACHER AND HE VALIDATED ME AND LET ME PUT IT ON STAGE
BUT I NEVER GOT TO SEE IT ACTUALIZED, THE RITUAL WAS NEVER FINALIZED
AND INSTEAD AMANDA AND I GOT INTO COMPETITION, SHE THOUGHT I WAS STEALING HER WORLD AND FRIENDS AWAY FROM HER
AND I DIDN’T MEAN TO DO IT
BUT I DID WANT IT ALL TO MYSELF, I HAVE TO ADMIT
I DID EVENTUALLY WANT HER OUT OF THE PICTURE AS OUR MUTUAL RESENTMENT GREW
AND I HAVE CARRIED THAT GUILT AND SHAME INSIDE MY WHOLE LIFE, EVER SINCE HIGH SCHOOL
WHEN SHE DECIDED SHE HATED ME AND WROTE ABOUT ME ON LIVE JOURNAL
AND THE PLACE WHERE I HAD FINALLY FELT SEEN AND VALIDATED, HALF OF THEM TURNED AGAINST ME
ONCE AGAIN, ME AND MY BODY, DIVIDING HOUSES
JUST LIKE WITH MY PARENTS
JUST LIKE CAIN AND ABEL
JUST LIKE EVE AND THE SERPENT
SO TODAY I WILL GO TO THE CEMETARY AND DO KUNDALINI AND MAKE A COMMITMENT TO FINALLY SEE THE PLAY I WROTE PERFORMED
EVEN IF IT’S JUST WITH MY FRIENDS
I THINK THAT’S REALLY IMPORTANT
WE WILL STAGE IT
WE WILL COMPLETE THE RITUAL
BUT EVEN IF WE DON’T, WE ARE DOING IT THROUGH THIS PHD
THROUGH PURSUING THIS ARTIST’S AND SHAMAN’S LIFE
THROUGH MAKING OUR LIFE THE CEREMONY
SO MAYBE WE DON’T EVEN NEED TO PERFORM IT
Coming out of this portal I feel that my life truly is the ceremony and maybe that’s enough
to just live like this
and do the little rituals every day to find forgiveness
ABSOLUTION
WHICH MEANS THE FORMAL DECLARATION THAT YOUR SINS HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN
TODAY, HOLLY REGAN, RIORDAN O’REGAN, YOU ARE AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN THE BARD AND POET OF THE KINGS
YOUR BODY IS AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN A GOOD AND SAFE AND PLEASURABLE PLACE
BUT YOU DID DO SOME THINGS THAT WE AREN’T PROUD OF OVER THE YEARS TO PEOPLE LIKE AMANDA AND STEPHEN AND JUSTIN
AND WE CAN FORGIVE ALL THAT
I DECLARE THAT YOUR SINS ARE FORGIVEN
AND YOU ARE HOME NOW.