Praxis: Fucking with time
It’s kind of my favorite thing to do
they say sleep is essential to your hygiene and health but I prefer to mainline and then restrict it - I know I say I want to avoid extremes but I feel like this is part of the practice
it’s fucking with time
questioning and exploring the whole concept
my medicine work lately involves slowing things way down so I can crawl inside them. I have unlocked the ability with amanita and LSD time-bending capabilities to explode out all the moments around a decision or thought process and see that what looks like a causation is a correlation, that there are actually a thousand little stories and decision trees in between what feels like one event and the next, the subconscious thought patterns and subliminal habits that are ACTUALLY programming me
so yes the body needs sleep but it can happen anytime and I’d rather sleep in the day, and be awake in the world of DMT and the night to crawl inside the subconscious realm that normally comes out in dreaming. by fucking with time can we crawl inside the dream realm with the serotonin system running? Can we go into the nightworld with our serotonin flashlights?
>this is consciousness exploration - going into the subconscious, the darkness, the dreamtime, with awareness and intention - making it conscious like Jung did - making the dreaming lucid, retaining agency. and this is part of the praxis I’m creating. fuck around and find out, do the things they tell you not to in mainstream society following your intuition and the guidance of your teachers and ancestors.
>>don’t take substances, let the plants and mushrooms take you. stay up all night and crawl around in the caverns of your mind and the things that make noise in the dark, but do it with your third-eye headlamp shining brightly.
>>so is the calling really to get more training in transpersonal psychology? or is that imposter syndrome? is that denying or not believing in my inner artist and shamxn? I am directly experiencing the things they’re talking about through my own method. the thing is that I want to teach people and help them heal and want to do it safely. but maybe with more practice that will become possible without a certification… maybe more apprenticeship with the plants and underground and Indigenous teachers is my path.
when you slow things down and crawl inside them you find the most fascinating things hiding there
and there is so much shame for me
I am starting to unravel the guilt that can keep me accountable from the shame that damns me and keeps me small
I drew the 2 of cups today and read in Jodorowsky’s Tarot that this symbolizes the end of Oedipal love being replaced by something truer — the Oedipal love that is the excessive attachment to my mother and the love and validation from her, the clinging to that connection and the fear and feeling that I might not exist without it — whoa I just realized this—there is a fear that I will disappear completely if I break the gaze, which is what was programmed as a baby when she wouldn’t let me look away. resulting in ADD. resulting in trying to please everybody all the time. resulting in fear and paralysis every time I try to follow my soul longing and flee the nest. i want to go and come back, to love her and others with healthy boundaries, to be in proximity with people without losing myself. it’s happening slowly.
and this was part of it. it comes right on the heels of a two-day Gregorian transition portal with my dance family, LSD, amanita, cacao, somatic healing and time-bending and sound therapy, where Gaby did something that really healed my pelvis and leg in a noticeable way, and I danced until 6am despite my fall and it was okay
where I exploded out what I used to think was desire to be with men and I realized was desire to be them, to crawl inside their skin and inhabit their flesh, put on their testo-suit and feel my muscles swell and flex, walk with my hips and swing my dick and feel powerful and insert myself into things, have people respect my authority just because I speak, hell let’s be real, to kinda tremble with fear when they see me. I watch others dance and mimic their movements and am able to reprogram my body with the things that align with my frequency. We learn to be humans through imitation, morphic resonance, picking up the habits of other things that are like us, in proximity to us, and if we didn’t learn the right or aligned habits and behaviors from our caregivers we can reprogram ourselves later with plant teachers and elders and healthy peers.
the body is coming back online one part at a time, and I got the knees back after the Gregorian page turned to 2025
it enables me move so much more freely and naturally, I am becoming a human again, i’m not all stiff-framed, living rigor mortis, a corpse walking around talking to everyone, I’m a person, I’m a man, I’m a lesbian, I’m trans, I can do shit
I watched him move all night with fascination and wanted to inhabit a body like his, and at 5am when I almost went home but instead returned to the dancing chamber for one last set, and Tommy was playing, and I felt so loved and held by my community on this night that was like EDUK and the Burn combined, where we make our own space and fuck with time and thereby reclaim our lives and our agency from the capitalist system that forces us to conform and tries to take our choice from us — WE SAY NO, FUCK THAT SHIT — we can make OUR OWN shit. and that includes our bodies, we don’t have to fit a binary, we can make them what we want them to be
and he came up to me after I had transitioned to the Amanita portion of the experience to carry me home, and danced with me in the corner, and it’s like he knew exactly what was happening, and almost was my elder teaching me how to move, I felt he was telepathically transmitting this knowledge and reclamation of how to move like a man and reclaim my sacred masculine sexuality and power, how to produce more testosterone while staying soft because we self-generate all this shit, from T to DMT.
he was spitting poetry while my dance family spun dirty beats and twirled around me and centuries of shame began to be released
and yesterday at the New Year’s Day dance during Richard’s grimy mycelial set, I felt it, it was here, my sexuality was coming back to me, my sacred masculinity was coming back to me, I was become a whole person again, I was beginning to feel like a person someone could theoretically desire again—but in my MASCULINE and more authentic
and it feels so good and I’m so grateful that I’m crying
AND I THOUGHT I NEEDED A GURU OR A GOD OR MY MOM TO SAVE ME
BUT INSTEAD I DID IT MYSELF WITH THE SUPPORT OF MY COMMUNITY
AND IT’S SO HARD SOMETIMES TO BE ALONE BUT THIS FEELS SO EMPOWERING I THINK IT’S WORTH IT
still… it doesn’t have to be this hard and I want to make it easier for others
so next help me call in my inner teacher