5 N’oj - PPS Ceremony #2 - Conceiving the Intellectual Path
Today is the first officially recognized ceremony of this Path of the Plumed Serpent, given that last time I didn’t even realize I was in one.
It has already been a doozy, but this is the beauty and blessing of the calendar: now there is a framework for holding, I don’t feel like I’m just going crazy, there’s a context to put it in.
But going crazy—that old chestnut—it always goes hand and hand with anything that gets heady for me. It’s both one of my greatest delights and greatest fears, diving into the intellectual sphere. Today, ceremony #2 on the path, brings my conception energy to bear, what I came into this world from: 5 N’oj, the energy of work and the intellect.
It’s also connected to Pawhuatuun, the old man, the Maya god of merchants, travelers, and the ocean, sort of like Hermes and Neptune put together. He is said to enjoy drunkenness. Because of course. The ancient beer is still very much a part of things, I have been hearing this morning. There’s a reason that the cacao synchronicities include the ancient beer crossover in the South American jungles where I awakened, the project that launched me on my nomad path and the road to a PhD; there’s a reason that Gönul, the angel sponsoring my visa and my cacao merchant, is Turkish—because this whole tradition of funeral feasting that includes cacao and beer goes back to Göbekli Tepe.
Artist, mystic, alcoholic, psychotic, and prophet: The only difference is whether or not people believe you.
The witnessing. Someone to tell you: You’re not crazy. It really happened.
Just like trauma healing.
Terence McKenna, Jesus, Judas, Richard Alpert, Tim Leary: raving channelers who received gospels that some people fervently believed in, and others vehemently rejected. Some were deemed the prophets, others the lunatics. Richard Alpert became Ram Dass and amassed a ritual following in Hawaii; Tim Leary was made Nixon’s public enemy #1, and got locked up in prison by the CIA. Jesus took over the world with his gospel; Judas became the scapegoat of humanity. McKenna is an interesting one because he was so fringe, he’s somewhere in the middle. Jung too, they found a way to translate things into languages people could understand at least parts of, but at what personal cost?
It’ll make you go mad, all this channeling, without something to ground you.
I fear the days of both intellect and creativity, the push to make something other people can see and understand overwhelms me. I always feel on the edge of exploding or going crazy. Like nobody is going to understand my ideas or believe me after all the years of gaslighting. I long to let the words go and simply feel. This is the best part of the ceremony and the practice, is just sitting and letting the sound wash over me, bathed in the primal light of only candles, breathing smoke.
Free. Home. An animal.
I fear the digital and often long for a world returned to analog. When I set pen to paper it flows until my pen runs dry. I channel and receive truth there that I later don’t know how to translate to something other people can understand. The spoken word is helpful but it’s so rambling.
I don’t know how it all comes together. But I fear my mind.
That’s where they came for me, after all, with the gaslighting.
The labyrinth is the one in my skull, and a brain kind of looks like one anyway.
My own thoughts are the enemy, the monster knocking around in there.
I love the days when the energy gives me an excuse to just be, days like yesterday where I went to the forest and sat nestled in the pelvis of a tree and translated a poem given to me by that sweet green place, and I took photos of the palaces and temples of humans and the earth in the land around the castle, and then I came home and talked to my soul brother about trying to navigate between the formless and the form, and I did a reading for our relationship that put everything in a framework and perspective that made sense.
Mark Elmy, my calendar teacher, reminded me that when things are meant to happen, they come easily. I wrote that in a marketing story recently, because everything is part of it.
It makes sense when I sit before my altar with my candles, it flows when I journal, but then I pull out my computer and it all seems to fall apart, that’s when I get lost in the labyrinth. I don’t know how to translate it, what I’m even trying to say, what people will understand. I know how to build an altar and make an ofrenda but what is my offering to the world of the mind? My play isn’t even a play, it’s a nightmare of half-formed hallucinations, and not in a good way, most of it makes no sense and there is barely a coherent through-line. It’s just another mass grave of aborted ideas, the beginnings of things that could have gone somewhere interesting, the conceptions of thoughts that feel visionary but I don’t know how to frame them.
I know that they revolve around this idea of the culture of direct experience, humanity’s oldest “religion,” the syncretic Hermetic tradition of esoteric spiritualism, of which I am a priestx, a shamxn, and so are Eric and Jade whether or not they know it. So are the playwrights of the Jeezus musical and the fringe performers at the Cockpit and Dave is an elder channeling shit around the campfire, I can see him in my mind’s eye with long dreads and a bone necklace; his eyes are portals to it. Aww, this is cool. We are around a fire together right now, interdimensionally.
He saw the play as what I conceived but was afraid to move forward: basically me just performing my ceremony in front of people.
It’s about self-gaslighting and channeling.
Everyone keeps telling me to trust the process, and I can do that. But I’m afraid of my own mind taking over and derailing me. Driving me into a corner of the labyrinth where the unstoppable death force can corner me.
Queer community, ceremony, and the stage are the exits through the side door of the labyrinth.
But I feel like my work is only in theory. I talk about the play I’m writing and my book proposal and both are labyrinthine nightmares, fragments of fever dream material. I feel like I just need an editor. Did Jung have one?
How do I bring any of this shit to fruition? It’s all stuck at conception.
What’s real is the ceremony and self-healing. What I can’t seem to get together is the documenting and sharing.
I’m so sick of writing. I just want to talk to people around a fire again.
Yesterday I alchemized it in the forest, I listened to that podcast about Jung on the way to a castle and found myself more enchanted with the palace of green that surrounded it than the thing made by humans. But I also took some amazing photos and realized this was something i was really good at, but I had gaslit myself here too and told myself I wasn’t a photographer. I am going to add these to my online art store. I sat in the crook of a tree that looked like a pelvis and hapé wrapped the forest around me like a blanket and I realized that no matter what we do, we can never be separate, and I didn’t just think it, I felt it, I gnew it, in the core of my being, and that was worth everything.
But according to the world of 3D, yesterday I wasn’t working. I’m behind on all my deadlines. I need to get this newsletter out and I keep avoiding it.
I just find it increasingly hard to do anything that’s not just being, feeling, talking, and listening.
Current research/projects: I’m reading “Psychomagic” by Alexander Jodorowsky after seeing it referenced in Kit’s thesis and it’s totally breaking shit open. This is what I’m doing. But I have skipped the public performance part and gone straight to the self-healing, adding my own flavor and experience. I still want to create stories for the audience but the praxis is this process for the queer, the seeker, the divergent, the artist to witness themselves and heal. But I do think it needs holding by another, which is maybe where my offerings come in and there is some opportunity to support myself financially, I don’t know.
I continue to dive deep into the Maya calendar, informally apprenticed by Mark Elmy, and it’s blowing shit open, and my friends can’t get enough of the readings, and i’m using it as energy exchange for things; as currency, you could say. I must tread carefully here, but it feels super life-giving.
I continue to struggle through the music series for my newsletter, feeling like an imposter, delaying publication of part two so much it’s causing me to completely freeze with anxiety. I don’t even know where to start with the podcast.
The second cacao/beer zine is burning a hole in my consciousness as well and I just don’t want to do it.
I don’t really want to write at all anymore, but I have this fucking newsletter and a thousand half-finished drafts that DO need to be shared…
I’m still finishing Kit’s thesis and have started a thousand books, from Donna Haraway to Gabor Maté’s ADD book, ironically, and Jodorowsky. I need to read Bittersweet as it keeps popping up. There is a book about shamanism from Annabelle as well I need to look up.
LISTEN:
Let's choose to be separate in the forest
The conversation explores the concept of oneness and the integration of self with the universe. It suggests that suicide is a desire to return to a pre-birth state of unity, but that true realization is understanding one is already boundless and inseparable. The speakers emphasize that death would not fundamentally change this, as we are already one with everything. They advocate for embracing life, appreciating sensory experiences, and finding comfort in nature, like sitting in a tree or feeling the environment around us. The message is to cherish being alive and the sensory separation we experience, rather than seeking to escape it.
Outline:
Realization of Oneness and Integration
Unknown Speaker discusses the urge to return to the womb and the oceanic boundlessness, describing it as a form of suicide.
Speaker 1 emphasizes that one is already boundless and one, highlighting that death would only mean realizing this while alive.
The integration is understood as recognizing that one can never be anything but one, and there is no need to go anywhere or do anything.
Speaker 1 explains that we are the trees and every species, with Papa Hapé helping to see this connection while sitting in the forest.
Cure for Derealization and Depersonalization
Unknown Speaker reiterates that we used to be free but are already everything, which is the integration and the cure for derealization and depersonalization.
Speaker 1 elaborates that one couldn't be separate if one tried, and death would only mean missing out on sensory experiences and the support of the environment.
The conversation touches on the sensory experiences of being alive, such as feeling the tree beneath you, hearing bird song, and feeling the moss and cold air.
Unknown Speaker adds that we are always one and can't be separate, emphasizing the continuous presence of the womb-like feeling in the forest.
Choosing to Be Alive
Speaker 1 suggests that it is better to choose to be alive while one has the chance, describing this life as winning the lottery.
The separation in this dimension can be brutal and painful, but finding comfort in the forest, friends, or the city can alleviate loneliness.
Unknown Speaker advises sitting in a tree to feel the womb's presence, acknowledging the responsibilities of this dimension.
Speaker 1 emphasizes that the ability to be separate is a blessing and a gift, urging to choose to stay alive and help each other survive.
Embracing Separation and Survival
Speaker 1 reiterates the importance of choosing to be separate while alive, highlighting the gift of experiencing life's sensory aspects.
The conversation emphasizes the need to help each other survive to enjoy these moments and feel the holding of the environment.
Unknown Speaker concludes by stating that everything will go back to the beginning, reinforcing the cycle of life and death.
The overall message is to appreciate the present and the sensory experiences while acknowledging the interconnectedness of all beings.
Transcript:
Suicide is also the urge to go back to the womb, to drift back into that oceanic boundlessness. But that way, it's kind of beautiful. The integration is realizing that you don't have to go anywhere.
You're already boundless. You're already one. You've never been separate. You can't be, you couldn't be if you tried,
fundamentally nothing all that different would happen if you died, you'd just be realizing what's already here while you're alive.
That's the integration, the realization that you can never be anything but one. You don't have to go anywhere, you don't have to do anything. You're already there. It's already happening. It can't not be happening. Now, I understand what these forest means. We are the trees. We used to be trees. We are the trees still. We are still every species, Papa jape is helping me see as I sit nestled in the arms of this tree held by the mother, floating in the amniotic fluid of The Forest, looking out at the water, softly moving i
Oh, I spit on myself. Shit. Did not aim that. Well, gross.
i keep saying that we used to be trees, and maybe we used to be more literally, but we already are everything. That's the integration, the cure for derealization and depersonalization is to realize that you can't not be one, that we're already everything.
You couldn't be separate if you tried nothing, all that different would happen if you died, except that other people couldn't enjoy you, except then you couldn't feel the support of this tree underneath you. Except then you couldn't feel the holding and the beauty of the forest. Then you couldn't hear with your material this bird song. You couldn't feel the softness of this moss under your thumb. Couldn't feel the cold of the fall air in Scotland
on your skin, taste the bitter earth of happe on your tongue, smell the rainforest as you sit in the temperate one. We're always one. You couldn't be separate if you tried.
So really, it's better to choose to be alive while you've still got the chance this dimension is winning. Winning the lottery, you get to experience the separation through the sensory and the separation can be brutal and painful, and it can feel lonely, but then you come to the forest, or you sit with a friend, or you go to the city even, and you feel the holding of everything around you, but really go Sit in the tree,
and then you'll feel that the womb is always around you. Sure, in this dimension, we have to do things and breathe for ourself and eat
and move our legs. That can feel like a curse, but it's a blessing. It's a gift. We get to be. Separate. So let's choose to be separate while we have the chance. Let's choose to stay alive a little bit longer. Let's choose to help each other survive so we can have these moments and feel this holding. It'll always go back to the beginning.
Transmission transcript: I don’t want to write anymore
Most people avoid meditation and hate it, but there's nothing I'd rather do than sit here in the candle light, Listening to the rain just being
I say suicide is actually the urge to return to the womb, where there's no more thinking or doing. You don't even have to digest for yourself or eat or breathe it's all done for you, the place where you can just let it all go.
But there is the beauty in being separate and having to do these things on your own. And yeah, it's the depth of experience.
But it feels so overwhelming. I think this is what all the artists experience, artist, Mystic, alcoholic, all the same archetype. There's a reason I'm putting them all in the same play. I think, I mean, there is a through line that's this gaslighting. What's the difference between all these things? They're all the same archetype. The difference in their expression is the witnessing is whether someone is telling you it really happened. You're not crazy. When there's no one to see it, or when you don't know how to share it, you go fucking mad. You but the same things expressed to the right crowd will get you the biggest following in the history of the world. Jesus, but then someone else tries to come along and have a vision. Judas, then they get sidelined and scapegoated.
The Trans is the hermetic messenger that brings back direct experience that tears down the gate keeping that says all of this is available to anyone you just have to learn to listen. That's the three line, self healing, direct communication with the plants, the ancestors, the energies. There's nothing special about any of these people. They just learned. They just remembered how to listen. It's something we all have the capability for which so it's about undoing the gaslighting by validating your experience, by witnessing the happenings and the knowings affirming.
This is the practice, and you can do it for yourself, but sometimes you also need someone to hold it and
I guess it's coming together, but the problem is the execution. Something's getting lost there. Something's getting stuck there. Something really important is happening around the calendar.
I'd say it's possessing me, but it feels more joyful than a lot of the other things I'm doing, but theater is so important to you. I mean, after that experience the other night, yeah, I just don't want to write anymore.
One of. Be free of the tyranny of language, and this is something McKenna talks about too. Words create a reality,
but they also entrap us in the net of duality, drawing lines around what things are and aren't supposedly
No I will NOT calm down
Well, after a few days of quiet, the channel opened again, big time. Kit told me that I needed to sit with things on my own for a few days, so xe had been quiet, but xe was back today, sitting by my side, cheering me on, dropping things in, opening channels, watching as I did it. I think I am bringing in the ability to talk with plants and medicine spirits in a way they didn’t quite access, and of course, there is the dialogos with my own parts of self.
I realized that breaking my pelvis was what opened the channel to be able to communicate with the subtle realms in ways I hadn’t been able to before; this is what shamanic initiation means. The shattering, the pain, the suffering is the portal, the key, to accessing the wounded parts of me that need seeing and healing, and in this most personal act, I clear the way to be a receiver for archetypes, collective consciousness, ancestors, plant spirits, other dimensional realms, the things unseen.
Hidden.
It happened in Escondido, which means “hidden place” in Spanish. When I got there, it was such a shitty small town, I didn’t know what I was doing there; it was conservative, and San Diego was a 40-minute drive away when all I had was a bicycle, living out in the middle of a nowhere, hilly neighborhood in a converted psychedelic ceremony space that was adorned only with a sink with no drain, just a bucket that had to be emptied into the garden; a bathroom with a nonfunctional shower; a couch; and a giant, wall-to-wall tapestry of Frida Kahlo.
You don’t have to make anything up when the truth is this strange.
I had to break open my pelvis to unlock the hidden places within me, the super-specific stuff that needed to be healed to open me to the universal feelings, the collective consciousness and cosmic teachings. Through the personal comes the everything. The details that you think are so small, nobody will care, turn out to be the keys.
In the first draft of the play, it opened with me in Escondido, sitting in a cacao circle with only three other people in this weird conservative town, talking about the collective and making our own medicine. I cut the scene when I copied over the draft because I thought it was too specific.
I’m still not sure where it’s going, but I know that everything belongs.
And that includes each and every last part of me.
Listen:
Summary: Holly Regan discusses the symbolic role of Judas Iscariot in the eschaton, representing the acceleration towards quantum awakening and the end of this dimension. They argue that Judas was gaslit by Jesus and became a scapegoat for humanity. Regan connects this to the concept of trans emergence and the return of forgotten truths. They outline their spiritual practice, which involves welcoming energies, working with cacao, Copal, incense, bees, tobacco, and Amanita, and balancing direct experience with internet research and community engagement
Outline:
Judas Iscariot and the Eschaton
- They discuss Judas Iscariot as a symbol of the eschaton, representing the acceleration towards consciousness expansion and quantum awakening. - They explain that Judas was gaslit by Jesus, who dismissed their visions, making Judas the scapegoat for humanity. - They emphasize that Judas is an archetype returning to remind humanity of its forgotten truths and to accelerate towards a new phase of time. - They mention the Mayan concept of cycles and new layers, likening it to unlocking segments of a Rubik's Cube and unfolding towards quantum awakening.
The Role of Judas in Trans Emergence
- They elaborate on Judas as a symbol for trans emergence, bearing the truth of humanity's direct experiences and revelations. - They stress the importance of remembering what humanity has forgotten and facing the collective future with a positive vision. - They describe the collective future as a beautiful house with a green thatched roof where everyone can sit around the table. - They reassure that the minotaur is not a monster but a sweet, soft animal, emphasizing the need to welcome and hold it until it feels safe.
Their Spiritual Practice
- They outline their spiritual practice, which involves welcoming in the energies of the days according to the Mayan calendar. - They describe their process of dipping into the real world, getting frustrated, and channeling the rage of the Divine Feminine. - Their practice includes working with cacao, Copal, incense, bees, and tobacco, calling in the spirits of plants and Anita. - They mention the importance of being alone and having conversations with people in third eye drops and esoteric circles.
Balancing Direct Experience and Research
- They discuss the balance between direct experience and research in their practice. - They admit to getting frustrated with themself for leaving voice messages and being too intense with others. - They emphasize the need to bounce ideas off each other and the importance of not being alone in the process. - They describe the practice of dipping in and out of the internet for research and then returning to direct experience and inner reflection.
Action Items:
Continue the spiritual/philosophical process of going inward through reflection and plant medicines, then outward through research and discussion. (Assignee: Holly Regan)
Transcript:
Judas Iscariot, a scary at the eschaton, accelerating us towards consciousness expansion, accelerating us towards the end of this dimension and the beginning of quantum awakening, accelerating us toward an existence where we tell the real stories about who we are, who we've been, where we're going, how we got here is scary at the eschaton, the one who got gaslit by the so called Savior, The Son of Man, the one who got gaslit by Jesus, the one who said, I can have visions too. And Jesus came back and said, That's cute. I got news for you. I'm the one who has the visions around here. Pal, sorry, I deny your direct experience. Sorry. The thing you think happened, the thing you know happened, I'm going to tell you, didn't just really happen. Judas got gaslit by Jesus and became the scapegoat for humanity. Is scary at the eschaton, the symbol of trans emergence, the archetype that's returning emerging to accelerate us towards this new phase of time, like the Maya knew, it's always been just cycles new layers, unlocking new segments of the Rubik's Cube unfolding, accelerating us towards quantum awakening. The end of not all existence, but the end of this one, the realization that the so called traitor was actually the Savior, the realization that Jesus was ego tripping, and even Jesus can be The villain, and even Judas can be the hero. And Judas is a symbol for trans emergence, the archetype that's returning to remind us of what we forgot, what we hid so deep that even we couldn't find it, the scapegoat, taking the sense of humanity upon us, bearing the truth of our own direct experience, our own direct revelations, our own divine discoveries so deep that even we couldn't find it.
Gotta remember. We got to remember what we forgot. We got to go into the labyrinth and face the Minotaur, because we'll see that it's actually not dark, it's light. It's beautiful. It's our direct revelation of the collective future, the house with the green thatched roof, where everyone can sit around the table. It's actually a beautiful vision. It's not a monster. It's a kitten, it's a calf. It's a sweet, soft animal. It's not a monster. We just got to welcome it in. We just got to hold it until it it's safe.
Judas got gaslit by Jesus. Got told that his direct revelation wasn't real. Got told that what just happened didn't really happen. So he buried the truth. So we buried the truth so deep that even we couldn't find it. Now it's time to reclaim it.
You reclaim the Iscariot, the eschaton. Welcome the end of time. So there is something in this, my process, my praxis. It involves the Mayan calendar. It starts with welcoming in the energies of the days. And today is five bots, the creative genius, the generative principle. And of course, part of the process involved dipping into the real world and getting frustrated, getting rejected again, and therefore channeling the rage of the Divine Feminine trans Iscariot. So my process, my practice, involves going in with cacao and in the Mayan calendar, direct experience, burning Copal and incense, working with the bees the underworld guardians, their pollen, their medicine. The bees are a key to the system. Um tobacco, calling him in, calling in the spirits of the plants, and Amanita. And Amanita has come back in a big way, and Amanita is a big part of this, because it's the day after, so I'm integrating Amanita. It's being alone, but then it's also dipping into the servers and having conversations with people in third eye drops and esoteric circles. It's dipping in. I dip out and in. That's part of my whole practice. And so I've been getting mad at myself when I have these moments where I drop out and I leave people a bunch of voice messages, and maybe sometimes that's too much and they're a little crazy, but that's part of the process. The practice is dipping in and out, dipping into the internet and researching things, and then going back into the direct experience space. That's part of it, dipping into the inner reflection and quiet, dipping in with the parts of self that need attention, and then dipping out to check in, yeah, to do some research, or to hop on a Discord server or or to leave a voice message for someone, because we can't Be alone in that we have to bounce things off each other.
LISTEN:
Summary: The AI recognizes four speakers in this dialogue. One of them is identified as Holly, who is AGAIN misgendered by the robot.
The conversation revolves around the themes of unheard voices, personal struggles, and the search for empowerment. Holly Regan and others express frustration with having to sell out their identities and talents for basic needs, emphasizing the need to reclaim their power and stop apologizing. They discuss the bodhisattva path, the importance of community support, and the challenges of indecision and starting over. The conversation also touches on the significance of ancient and new age practices, such as herbalism and psychedelic experiences, in finding enlightenment and healing. The speakers reflect on their past traumas, including gaslighting and abuse, and the need to remember and integrate lost parts of themselves to move forward.
... Action Items: (these crack me up every time)
Remember forgotten parts of self and past experiences. (Assignee: Holly Regan)
Help each other reclaim wisdom and support one another. (Assignee: Holly Regan)
Leave the waystation and get to a destination by making decisions and completing tasks/work. (Assignee: Holly Regan)
Outline:
Unheard and Unseen Children
- Speaker 1 introduces themselves as the unseen and unheard children, emphasizing the need for attention and listening. - Holly Regan reiterates the sentiment, highlighting the frustration of being unheard and unseen. - Speaker 2 expresses exhaustion from begging for a chance to speak and a platform. - Holly Regan shares their frustration with having to give away their medicine, art, and creativity just to survive.
Selling Out and Taking Back Power
- Speaker 4 talks about having to give away their body and medicine to have a roof over their head. - Holly Regan declares they won't sell out anymore and takes back their power. - Holly Regan criticizes the habit of always apologizing, linking it to insecurity and anxiety. - Speaker 2 discusses the struggle of not fitting into societal frameworks and the constant feeling of indecision.
The Bodhisattva Path and Trans Archetype
- Holly Regan talks about the bodhisattva path, choosing to stay in suffering to help others cross over - The conversation touches on the importance of finding others who understand the struggle - Holly Regan explains the bodhisattva path involves peering into enlightenment and choosing to stay in suffering - The emergent archetype of trans is discussed, blending ancient wisdom with new age queerdom
The Role of Herbalism and Natural Medicine
- Holly Regan emphasizes the importance of herbalism and natural medicine in the bodhisattva path - The conversation highlights the use of cacao as an ancient wisdom and its new age worship - Holly Regan discusses the need to question everything and the importance of not apologizing - The waystation metaphor is used to describe the transition between worlds and the importance of making decisions
The Minotaur and the Labyrinth of Memory
- Holly Regan talks about the Minotaur on the wall and the labyrinth of their memory - The conversation explores the rejection and abuse they faced, leading to blackout drinking and indecision - Holly Regan describes the metaphor of being trapped in the labyrinth and the need to retrieve lost parts of themself - The importance of channeling and the role of the Tarot in communication is discussed
Listen:
The AI identifies one speaker but doesn’t give them a name. I will have to name them. Perhaps Eve?
Speaker 1 expresses deep frustration and anger over feeling constantly shut down, gaslighted, and manipulated, leading to a sense of being destroyed psychologically. They describe a pattern of small, cumulative harms that prevent them from seeking help or leaving abusive situations. The speaker highlights how societal and personal criticisms erode self-worth and trust, affecting their ability to make decisions and trust their own judgment. They criticize the false promises of change and acceptance from various institutions and individuals, feeling let down repeatedly. The speaker feels trapped in a system that is inherently unsupportive and unnatural, leading to a state of indecision and a sense of being stuck between worlds.
Outline
Feeling Shut Down and Gaslighted
Speaker 1 expresses frustration about being constantly shut down and not being allowed to express their emotions.
They refuse to calm down and lower their voice, emphasizing their anger and frustration.
Speaker 1 accuses the other person of gaslighting and manipulating them through subtle actions.
They describe how these small, repeated actions create a significant impact, eroding their foundation and sanity.
Criticism and Control
Speaker 1 discusses how criticism is pervasive in their life, from personal relationships to professional settings.
They mention how criticism comes from various sources, including family members, bosses, and authority figures.
The criticism is described as being about small details, making it hard to identify the overall problem.
Speaker 1 feels that the criticism is designed to make them feel like they are always doing something wrong.
Restrictions and Limitations
Speaker 1 talks about the restrictions and limitations imposed on them, such as not being allowed to worship in a certain way.
They mention how these restrictions affect their connection with the land and their direct experience.
The restrictions are described as being imposed by those who control various aspects of their life.
Speaker 1 feels that these restrictions undermine their trust in their own experiences and wisdom.
Promises of Change
Speaker 1 expresses disappointment with people who promise to be different but end up being the same.
They mention how these promises are often made by men and women who claim to be progressive and accepting.
Speaker 1 feels that these promises are made out of fear and scarcity, and they are not genuine.
They express frustration with the cycle of disappointment and the lack of real change.
Indecision and Self-Doubt
Speaker 1 discusses the impact of constant criticism on their ability to make decisions.
They mention how the criticism makes them question their own judgment and trust in their mind and body.
Speaker 1 feels that the system they are in is designed to make it hard for them to succeed.
They express a sense of being stuck and unable to move forward due to the constant self-doubt.
The River Styx and the Ferryman
Speaker 1 uses the metaphor of the River Styx to describe their feeling of being stuck between worlds.
They mention how the ferryman passes them by, symbolizing missed opportunities.
Speaker 1 feels that they are not ready to move forward because they are not perfect or good enough.
They express a sense of frustration with the cycle of missed opportunities and the lack of progress.
Eve: No, I will not calm down. No, I will not calm down. I'm so sick of being shut down. No, I will not lower my voice. No, I will not calm down. I'm so sick of being shut down. You calling me hysterical. That's rich, while you gaslight me and subtly manipulate me, picking away death by 1000 cuts, little by little, you know exactly what you're doing. You inflict wounds so small that no one can look at any one of them in isolation and see how you're destroying my entire foundation, my entire sanity. And you know what? Then some of those are big enough on their own. Some of those are big enough on their own. Some of those, are you actually hitting me? Some of those, are you actually physically harming me? Some of those are you trying to strangle me? And then, but it gets to the point where even those incidents feel like they're not enough on their own, to leave, feel like they're not enough on their own, to ask for help, feel like they're not enough on their own, to go to the authorities, because they picket you, little by little, death by 1000 cuts they make you think it's your fault, whether this Church Fathers, whether it's the publishers, whether it's the bosses, whether it's the landlords, everyone makes you feel like you're doing something wrong. You didn't keep up on stuff well enough. You didn't meet your deadlines, you didn't pick up your room, you didn't play with your sister. Are you really wearing that outfit? You come out of your room and everything is criticized. Everything's criticized from the moment you get up, you try to make art, and they tell you it isn't good enough. They tell you it's not technically precise enough. They tell you you need to take it somewhere to learn how to really do it right. They want to put restrictions and parameters on you, enclosures of all kinds. They tell you you can't be on this land because they own it. Now they tell you you can't worship this way because they control it. Now they tell you you don't you can't trust your direct experience. You can't trust your direct connection with the land. You can't trust the wisdom that's been handed down since the dawn of time, working with the seasons, working with what the earth tells you. They tell you that's not real. They tell you that what you're receiving from the astral is just a voice in your head. They tell you you're not really talking with the dead, and you start to doubt yourself, and you start to think you're crazy. They tell you that it's your fault. They tell you that you did something wrong, and that's why they're mad. They tell you that you're misbehaving, they tell you that you have a deficit of attention. They tell you that you're divergent from everyone else's neurons. But what's divergent is these artificial systems that they've imposed upon us. What's divergent is the way we're being treated and told that it's love. I'm so sick of being let down time after time by the men who came in and promised they were going to be different, and by the women who've fallen in with those systems and promised they were going to be different. I'm so tired of people coming in again and again saying, we're not like your dad, we're not like your old boss, we're not like your last publication, we're not like them, we're not like them, we're not like that other church. We're different, we're accepting, we're progressive. We really care about queer people. No, we're different, and then every single one, again and again, proves to be exactly the same, or at least motivated by the same things. And I get it, it's fear and scarcity. We're all working within a system that was designed for none of us to win. I get it. Everyone's scared, but just stop promising that you're different when you're not different. And I'm so tired of this whole lifetime, you step out of your room. You're not wearing that are you go back in and change. Oh, no, it's fine. They say they're not even criticizing you, but they are. They say they're not tearing you down, but they are. They say they're trying to help you, and they really are just trying to get you to do it their way. They say they're trying to love you, when really they're just seeing you as an extension of them, and they don't believe they're ever good enough. So they project that onto you, and it's death by 1000 cuts. And then you're questioning everything, missing the boat again and again, the river boat on the sticks that keeps passing you by and passing you by, because you can't make a decision, because now you don't even trust what your mind and body are saying. You can't make a decision because you don't know what's you and what's them. You can't make a decision because you were told you can listen to the elements, to nature, to the things we've always known. Now you can't make a decision and they tell you it's your fault. Indecision, attention deficit, neurodivergence, diversion to. What a system that was never meant to support us to begin with. We can't play ball with something that's totally unnatural. I'd say that's pretty natural. Now I can't make a decision. Now I can't make a decision over and over, circles and circles, starting and starting. Now I can't stop starting and I'm never finishing. They say you never miss what's meant for you. But I don't know. I think at a certain point you do miss the boat, the boat to the next realm. I'm stuck in Purgatory. I'm stuck at the dock of the boat to the river sticks in between one world and the next. Well, the ferryman passes me by again and again and again.
Are you getting on? No, I'm not ready. It's not perfect. No, I'm not ready. It's not good enough. No, I'm not ready. I don't trust myself. And they told us we couldn't they told us they were going to be different, and then they were the same. They told us it wasn't good enough, and I'm so tired of getting rejected over and over. The boat keeps going by. Are we gonna get on the train keeps coming? Are we gonna leave the Weigh Station? We don't have to know where we're going. I just know that where we are isn't working.
Listen:
Summary: Holly Regan and Speaker 1 criticize the medicalization and pathologization of individuals who do not conform to societal norms, particularly those outside the binary or who are expressive and creative. They argue that the diagnosis of conditions like ADHD and the subsequent prescription of medications like Ritalin are misguided, as they are rooted in a system that does not support these individuals. Regan advocates for alternative, natural healing methods and rejects labels like "divergent" or "hysterical," which have historically been used to marginalize women, queer individuals, and trans people. They emphasize that these labels are not their fault and that society's constructs are the real issue.
Outline:
Critique of Medical Professionals and Societal Norms
- Holly Regan criticizes the medical industry for labeling individuals as "divergent" and suggesting medication as a solution, implying it is a way to control those who do not conform to societal norms. - They argue that the patriarchal, heterosexual, mono-normative society is the problem, not the individuals who do not fit into these rigid frameworks. - Holly Regan emphasizes that the system was never designed to support those who are different, and now they are being diagnosed with attention deficits and other conditions to justify their exclusion. - They suggest that natural remedies, psychedelics, plant medicines, and intuitive counselors should be considered as alternatives to traditional medical treatments.
Rejection of Labels and Blame
- Holly Regan rejects the notion of being labeled as "divergent" or "hysterical," arguing that these labels are artificial constructs imposed by a society that does not support them. - They emphasize that women, queers, and trans people have historically been labeled as "crazy" or "evil" for wanting to be themselves and challenging societal norms. - Holly Regan highlights the historical persecution of natural healers, who were labeled as witches and burned at the stake for their practices. - They conclude that the society we live in is not meant for them, and they refuse to be held accountable for not fitting into an artificial system.
Transcript: Hysterical. You're hysterical. You're divergent. We need to medicate you. Industries run by therapists, run by quote, unquote, medical professionals telling us there's something wrong with us, because of the way we exist, because we're not going along with their CIS-tems, because we're not going along with their patriarchal, patriarchal heterosexual, mono, normative, CIS-tems, because we're outside the binary. Because we're expressive, generative, because we're seasonal and creative, because these frameworks don't make sense to us. So they want to medicate us. They want to put us in therapy, like the artists told there was something wrong with them because they couldn't function in society, a society that was never set up to support us to begin with. Now they want to put us on Ritalin because we have a deficit of attention, attention, a thing that must be paid attention, a thing that must be paid to a system that doesn't support us, that was never meant to uplift us to begin with, that was only ever meant for us to serve it. And now we're told we have a deficit. I reject this. Yes, it's helpful, in some ways, to have a label for the things we're dealing with so we can find the others and sometimes Sure, medications can be helpful, but I think we need to look at the ones that come from the earth too. We need to look at the psychedelics. We need to look at the plant medicines. We need to look at the natural healers. We need to look at the intuitive counselors. I'm not saying we don't need support for these things, because they do become complexes, because when we're trying to fit them into the system that they don't fit within, it does damage our brains. Perhaps it does interfere with our normal functioning. It does then create symptoms, physical or mental, that must be addressed. I'm not saying don't do that. I'm just saying there's ways other than what they're saying to deal with that, and I'm saying that we shouldn't label ourselves as divergent, and I'm saying that we shouldn't label ourselves as hysterical, and I'm saying that we shouldn't assume the blame. I mean divergent to what an artificial construction of time, that isn't actually the way the universe works, divergent to what something completely made up. It's not our fault. Women were told they were hysterical because they started wanting to create and get involved. Women were told they were hysterical because they didn't want to fit into those systems. Queers have been told that we were hysterical. And worse, trans people have been told that we were evil. Trans people have been told that we were the devil tempting the queers and the trans tempting the CIS het people.
Women told they were crazy because they just wanted the same things everyone else had queers and trans people told they were crazy because they just wanted to be themselves. Natural healers told they were witches and burned at the stake for doing what we'd always done since humanity originated. Fucking A Yeah, we can't function in this society. It wasn't meant for me.
LISTEN:
The conversation revolves around feelings of frustration and rejection experienced by marginalized groups, particularly the queer and feminine communities. Speaker 1 expresses rage at being told they are not good enough and the broken promises of systems that failed to protect and support them. They criticize the imposition of restrictive systems by patriarchal figures, including in journalism and creative industries, which stifle creativity and authentic expression. Speaker 2 suggests that the way forward might be through collective action and experiential storytelling, moving beyond traditional language to capture the vibrations and feelings of shared experiences. Both speakers look to the equinox as a symbol of balance and hope for change.
Action Items
[ ] Release stories and expressions in more experiential ways like fringe theater, art, experiences to bypass limitations of words alone.
[ ] Come together in shared vibration and experience on the day of equinox, stopping words and just being together.
[ ] Continue seeking ways to tell stories and share expressions in all formats while also finding places of unity.
Outline
Challenges of the Divine Feminine and Queer Community
Speaker 1 expresses deep frustration and rage, channeling the unmet needs of the divine feminine and the collective queer and trans community.
The speaker feels rejected and undervalued by society, mentioning rejection from partners, publications, bosses, and even overly coddling parents.
Speaker 1 criticizes the broken promises of the system, which has historically failed to protect and support marginalized groups.
The speaker highlights the betrayal of promises by various figures, including stepfathers, partners, and religious and political authorities.
Historical Betrayals and Systemic Failures
Speaker 1 discusses the historical betrayals by figures who promised protection and support but ultimately abandoned and blamed the marginalized community.
The speaker mentions the imposition of restrictive systems by capitalists, Church Fathers, patriarchs, and others, leading to the marginalization of the community.
The speaker criticizes the imposition of restrictive systems that diverge from natural rhythms and the community's traditional ways of working with the earth.
The speaker emphasizes the systemic failure to recognize and support the community's unique ways of being and creating.
Impact of Patriarchal Systems on Creative Industries
Speaker 1 criticizes the patriarchal systems that have imposed restrictions on creative industries like journalism, literature, and theater.
The speaker feels that these systems have taken away the creative flow and freedom of expression, replacing it with rigid parameters and word counts.
Speaker 1 expresses frustration with the broken promises of publications that claim to support writers but fail to provide sustainable platforms.
The speaker highlights the oversaturation and competition in the creative industry, which makes it difficult for individuals to succeed.
The Need for Autonomous Creation and Community
Speaker 1 suggests that the only way forward is to build their own platforms and projects, but acknowledges the challenges of oversaturation and competition.
Speaker 2 emphasizes the importance of coming together as a community to support each other and create a sustainable system.
The speakers discuss the significance of the equinox, a day of equal light and dark, as a time for collective vibration and expression.
Speaker 2 suggests that the equinox is a time to stop telling stories and instead focus on shared experiences and vibrations.
Exploring Alternative Forms of Expression
Speaker 2 expresses a desire to release stories in alternative ways, such as experiential theater and visual arts, to bypass the limitations of traditional publishing.
The speaker acknowledges the tyranny and liberation of words, recognizing their role in creating reality but also their limitations.
Speaker 2 suggests that feelings and vibrations can exist beyond words, and that experiencing shared emotions can be more powerful than language.
The speakers express hope for illumination and a new way of storytelling that embraces both words and experiential forms.
Transcript:
I'm in a full psychedelic state with cacao in complete rage, channeling the unmet needs of the divine feminine, channeling the rage of our whole collective, the queer, the trans, the feminine, the channeling the rage of all of us, I'm tingling the rage of all the weird ones, the ones told we were divergent, the ones everyone, all throughout history. I'm so sick and tired of this shit. I'm so sick and tired of being told that we're not good enough. I'm so sick and tired of begging for someone to give us a platform. I'm so sick and tired of being rejected over and over and over, from partners to publications and from bosses to my father and then the opposite, the overly coddling mother telling you everything you do is perfect. Well, guess what? The world doesn't fucking work like that, and she doesn't let you break the gaze, because she needs so much from you. Because our whole system has been telling us, has been making false promises for centuries, has been telling us that they would protect us, only to abandon us. Has been telling us that they were different. Has been telling us that they really cared whether it was the fathers coming in, the stepfathers who would come in and say they weren't gonna be like that stepfathers coming in and saying, I'm not gonna be like your dad, and then they fucking left too. And then they fucking abandoned me too. The partner's coming in and saying, we're not gonna be like your dad, and then they fucking bail on you too. They bail on you too.
And they blame your sex, and they blame your generative principle, no matter who it is, from the fucking capitalists, from the fucking Church Fathers, from the fucking patriarchs, from those who came in and built the enclosures and kicked us off their our land, to those who came in and took our religion from us, from those who came in and said we had to worship the way they did, from those who came in and said we had to create the way they did, from those who came in and said, we are only worth what we produce, and we can only produce in this system, from those who divorced us from what we knew, which was how to work with the earth and her rhythms from what we knew, which was how to flow with the seasons From what we knew and said we had to do it their way. Well, it doesn't work that way for us, and then they call us divergent when they're the ones coming in and imposing their restrictions on everything. That's not the way it fucking works in nature.
But now we're told that it's our fault. Now we're told that we have attention deficit. Now we're told that we have disorders because they're coming in and trying to impose something on us that was never meant to be to begin with. And journalism is just another one of these expressions, some patriarchal system where someone comes in and takes writing a creative, flowy, feminine in the non gendered sense of the word thing, and tries to put parameters on it. And word counts, journalism, writing, literature, I don't know art, theater, anything that's had that's had these industries built around it when it was supposed to be something creative, when it was supposed to be something flowing. And I guess journalism is different. I should have never tried to work in it to begin with.
But anywhere they cared about writers telling their stories, I mean, so many publications now have come in and done the same thing. We're not like your dad. We're different. We really care about writers. We really care about what you have to say. We really want to build a platform for people to tell their stories. And then guess what? The people bail when there's not enough money. And then guess what? The Founders want to go look after their own nest egg, and then guess what? The ones who said they were different, okay, they can't afford to keep the lights on. It's the whole patriarchal system. I guess I get it, but you know what? Just stop making the fucking promises. The only way forward is to build our own things. But then if all of us are doing our own things. A, we're oversaturated and B, we're still going against the point of the whole thing. We're still trying to make a way within a larger system that is broken. I really think the only way we move forward is through coming together. I just don't know what that looks like.
I don't know what that looks like, but as we approach the equinox, the day of equal dark and light, I don't know. There's a reason that so many people are coming together to make sound. There's a reason that on the day of equal light and dark, we want to stop talking and get in our bodies, that we want to just vibrate all together in the same place. There's something about stopping telling the stories and just coming together to just be, but at the same time, we have things that need saying and sharing. So on this day of equal equal light and dark that is approaching, I hope something's illuminating, because I'm just sick and tired of being rejected over and over and over from lovers to fathers to publishers.
I've got so many stories that I care so much about, and I'm going to try to just release them in another way. I guess maybe that's the answer, to make things more experiential, to go to the fringe theater, to draw pictures, to try to express it in ways more than just a word on a page, but in a way that's felt and experienced. Maybe that's the only way. Maybe, maybe the answer is getting away from language. Words are both the tyranny and the liberation of our species. And a lot of ways, words create our reality. In a lot of ways, nothing even exists, if we can't name it in this 3d framework. But it exists in an even more real way when we feel it, when we feel the vibration, when we all move together, when we all experience the same thing at the same time. And words can do that. They do have a vibration. So we still need places to tell our stories in all the different formats. On the day of equal light and dark that is approaching, I pray for illumination.
Holly Regan discusses their fear of creating and struggle with distractions, suggesting that their play might benefit from a blend of writing and talking. They reflects on the concept of the "daimon demon," a hyper-dimensional object that could represent the end of one dimension or the awakening of a new layer of awareness. Holly connects this idea to the Maya calendar's 52-year cycle, predicting significant technological advancements by 2064, including teleportation. They recount a personal journey to Escondido, interpreting it as a metaphor for self-discovery and the importance of connecting with one's inner self and community. Holly also ties their creative process to a suicide attempt, which led her to realize her purpose and identity as a bodhisattva.
Transcript:
I'm afraid to create. Whenever I start something distracts me. I think that I'm hungry or I'm sleepy, or I need to go for a run or work out or something, but really, it's just the fear of putting something on the page. Really, everything's just trying to pull me away from making the thing really, it's just centuries of gaslighting. So what if I just start talking. What if it doesn't have to be writing. What if this is how the play wants to be transmitted, is through talking? What if, I mean, it's a both, and it's not all or nothing. It's not all writing, it's not all talking. But what if this is how a lot of the scenes want to be written?
What if the place still opens in Escondido with that scene with Joanne, it does kind of encompass everything, if we just add a little bit of foreshadowing about how I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I'm in this small town, but some voice told me to come here, and I listened, and that's what I've been doing more and more. Some inner voice inside me that sometimes I think is a demon. Ah, that's because it's the daimon. Oh, demon daimon, the diamond, the hyper dimensional object at the end of everything. Guess, I've just always been channeling the Iscariot, the eschaton, the thing at the end of all things, the thing that turns into other things, the thing that reminds us that we used to be trees, the thing that resets the cycle. It's not the end of everything, but it's the end of this dimension maybe, or maybe not. Maybe it's just awakening a new layer of awareness on top of this one. Maybe none of it's quite as dire as we think it is. I mean, 2012 came and went and everything appeared to be the same, but it was different. And if it comes in 13 year and 15 year 52 year cycles, as Mark was saying in the Maya calendar system, then it would take 13 years from 2012 for the new thing to really start crystallizing. 52 years from 2012 would be, I want to say I can't do math, but I can. 52 years from 2012 would be, oh my gosh, I can do this. 52 years from 2012 would be two, and two is 456,
2062, wait, 2064, is that right? 2012 plus 52 Yeah, 2064 so that's, that's how long the cycle is. We're just getting started. And as Mark was saying yesterday, think of the quantum leaps that are happening happening faster and faster now, because new information is being created at exponential rates. So think about the difference between 1918, and now by 2064, I mean, we could have cloud cities and teleportation. I really do think teleportation is like the next evolution. For some reason that's coming through to me is like, that's the technology that's like quantum leap coming next. Because Space the final frontier, starts on Earth, right here, and it starts within our hearts, the inner space. We've gone on a lot of tangents. Now, the scene was supposed to be about Escondido, yeah, so I didn't know why I was here. It's the daimon demon that just the daimon daemon demon that told me to go to Escondido, and I've learned to listen. So I just did it. And I got there, and it was desolate, and there was nothing. And all there was was me and my bike going over the hills again and again, which I feel like I've spent my whole life doing. I felt like I was running from something, but I think I was actually going toward it as we have to go all the way inside to get out again. We have to go into the hidden, hidden place, the Escondido, to connect. We have to see the parts of ourself that have been neglected, and then we can go out and one by one, build those little mycelial connections and find the others in our little, tiny town, and then extrapolate out from there. Trees communicate through underground root systems. Trees and mushrooms survive through. Mycorrhizal relationships. Amanita literally can't exist without a specific tree. That's ayni, I am because you're living.
I don't know how this translates into a scene from the play, I probably need to just go edit what I've already have. But there's still a big suicide part of myself that needs to be addressed, and that I think is the crux of the whole play, is the cedar that made me want to be here when I went to die and lay down under a tree, and I realized I wanted to be alive, because it told me that I wasn't done here. It told me that I was a bodhisattva. I just didn't know that. That's what it was saying. It just took me. When was that Holy shit. Was that in 2012 oh, my god. Oh my god. Holy shit. I think my suicide attempt was in 2012 oh, maybe it was 2014 anyway, I met Mark in 2011 and I think we got together in 2012 February.