Absolution

On This Jungian Life yesterday, they were talking about Guilt and Shame - and how we carry these inside us our whole lives, until we find a way to ritualistically release them. And the real relief sometimes comes not from someone telling us we’re not bad, it wasn’t our fault, though we do also need that—we need to know we are safe and held and not being judged—but from someone we trust acknowledging that we did wrong, and helping us walk through

absolution.

Holy shit—that was the name of my favorite Muse album, the one I started listening to again

when I finally left Stephen—which was IN ITSELF AN ACT OF PUBLIC ABSOLUTION—because it was ADMITTING THAT I WANTED IT.

NOT THAT I WAS SOME POWERLESS DRUNK, BUT A PERSON WITH AGENCY

WHO DIDN’T ACTALLY WANT TO BE WITH HIM ANYMORE, AND WAS CHOOSING SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

HOLY SHIT THIS IS FUCKING IT

I have STILL BLAMED MYSELF ALL THIS TIME FOR LEAVING HIM, as we just crossed through THE DAY OF HIS MARTYRDOM—BOXING DAY—when the men with the PHEN came back into my consciousness, and I realized that he lost his fighting spirit, and felt after George W Bush won that the cause was hopeless, and gave up on social justice, and without a real hill to justify dying on, you need something to fight for.

But if you don’t fight for a worthy cause,

you’ll die for anything,

just because.

It’s the legacy of Catholic guilt and Christian shame,

those partners in blame,

that led us astray and called us by our not-names,

made us forget our ancestral legacies,

our connection to the forest and the knowledge that we are trees.

this is why now they’re telling me everything I go into the forest,

“we used to be trees.”

we still can be.

this is why today I am mailing this little owl to my little nephew and telling him it’s a portal

because part of my role as I step closer to my eldership and embrace the 13 Kan

is to help the younger generation know that animals and plants and trees and fungi and the forest are portals to the otherworld

the one they already sense and know

is always there, they’re still so close to it.

And so of course this morning started with a remembering of Drew Arnold,

the Catholic boy whose mom hated me from the beginning because I was leading her son into temptation

with my body

by existing

and even as someone was affirming for the first time that my body was enjoyable and pleasure was desirable

I was simultaneously being taught it was shameful, and I was a temptress

and I remembered that time that he got trapped in my room and had to hold the kid

who was so desperate to connect with this gnosis

but tried to let someone in from the outside world,

and they got trapped in the womb, the tomb, in which I was sealed,

and couldn’t get out, and how fucked up that I lived in an environment where it was suspect that I would want to be totally left alone for a night,

where opening the window or going outside was so strange that it immediately got me grounded

and we both got in trouble

double the shame.

and then in the end he denied my body too,

and made me feel I was bad and wrong for being lustful,

like JP would later do.

But still, I alchemized the pain and turned that story into a legend I would regale our group with all the time

to laughter and delight

I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS VERY PROCESS I’M DOCUMENTING NOW THE WHOLE TIME

ALCHEMIZING AND RITUALIZING

THROUGH STORYTELLING AND PERFORMANCE

TURNING MY EXPERIENCE OF SHAME INTO EPIC POETRY, LYRICAL LEGEND, ORAL TRADITION

AND REGALING THE VILLAGE WITH MY TALES OF ADVENTURE AND HERO’S JOURNEYING

the problem is the stories always ended with me getting grounded

and reinforcing dad’s narrative of Schaeudenfreud

and then Drew and Brandon moved away, and the group dispersed, and I lost my role as shaman and storyteller

when I was alone I got clinically depressed

but EVEN THEN I KNEW HOW TO SAVE MYSELF

I SIGNED UP FOR ART CLASS

AND I SAT NEXT TO AMANDA MEYER AND AS WE DREW SHE TOLD ME ABOUT THE THEATRE

AND HER GROUP OF QUEER FRIENDS AND HER OLDER BOYFRIEND

AND SUDDENLY I DIDN’T FEEL ALONE AND I KNEW THAT WAS THE ANSWER

AND I DECIDED TO WRITE A PLAY ABOUT MY PAIN TOO

AND I STARTED HANGING OUT WITH THE QUEERS

AND SIGNED UP FOR FILM CLASS

AND STARTED MAKING STUFF

AND ENTERED THE FIRST PLAY I EVER WROTE INTO THE PRINCETON UNIVERSITY CONTEST AND I FUCKING WON FIRST PLACE

AND IN THIS ACT OF RITUAL I ALCHEMIZED MY FATE

AND I SHOWED IT TO MY QUEER FRIEND AND HE SAID IT WAS GREAT

SO I TOOK IT TO THE TEACHER AND HE VALIDATED ME AND LET ME PUT IT ON STAGE

BUT I NEVER GOT TO SEE IT ACTUALIZED, THE RITUAL WAS NEVER FINALIZED

AND INSTEAD AMANDA AND I GOT INTO COMPETITION, SHE THOUGHT I WAS STEALING HER WORLD AND FRIENDS AWAY FROM HER

AND I DIDN’T MEAN TO DO IT

BUT I DID WANT IT ALL TO MYSELF, I HAVE TO ADMIT

I DID EVENTUALLY WANT HER OUT OF THE PICTURE AS OUR MUTUAL RESENTMENT GREW

AND I HAVE CARRIED THAT GUILT AND SHAME INSIDE MY WHOLE LIFE, EVER SINCE HIGH SCHOOL

WHEN SHE DECIDED SHE HATED ME AND WROTE ABOUT ME ON LIVE JOURNAL

AND THE PLACE WHERE I HAD FINALLY FELT SEEN AND VALIDATED, HALF OF THEM TURNED AGAINST ME

ONCE AGAIN, ME AND MY BODY, DIVIDING HOUSES

JUST LIKE WITH MY PARENTS

JUST LIKE CAIN AND ABEL

JUST LIKE EVE AND THE SERPENT

SO TODAY I WILL GO TO THE CEMETARY AND DO KUNDALINI AND MAKE A COMMITMENT TO FINALLY SEE THE PLAY I WROTE PERFORMED

EVEN IF IT’S JUST WITH MY FRIENDS

I THINK THAT’S REALLY IMPORTANT

WE WILL STAGE IT

WE WILL COMPLETE THE RITUAL

BUT EVEN IF WE DON’T, WE ARE DOING IT THROUGH THIS PHD

THROUGH PURSUING THIS ARTIST’S AND SHAMAN’S LIFE

THROUGH MAKING OUR LIFE THE CEREMONY

SO MAYBE WE DON’T EVEN NEED TO PERFORM IT

Coming out of this portal I feel that my life truly is the ceremony and maybe that’s enough

to just live like this

and do the little rituals every day to find forgiveness

ABSOLUTION

WHICH MEANS THE FORMAL DECLARATION THAT YOUR SINS HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN

TODAY, HOLLY REGAN, RIORDAN O’REGAN, YOU ARE AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN THE BARD AND POET OF THE KINGS

YOUR BODY IS AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN A GOOD AND SAFE AND PLEASURABLE PLACE

BUT YOU DID DO SOME THINGS THAT WE AREN’T PROUD OF OVER THE YEARS TO PEOPLE LIKE AMANDA AND STEPHEN AND JUSTIN

AND WE CAN FORGIVE ALL THAT

I DECLARE THAT YOUR SINS ARE FORGIVEN

AND YOU ARE HOME NOW.