Not ___ enough
Not enough, not ever enough.
I’m not enough, I can’t get enough, I feel like nothing and am a hungry ghost. The only thing I can seem to accomplish is consume and spew material forth all over my journal and leave a million frustrated voice notes to friends saying how I just need someone to give me a platform.
I can’t help but feel like this stuff I’m doing here is the stuff I should be doing, yet I don’t know how to release it so someone else can see it, so my suffering might benefit somebody; so that one of these fucking institutions I hate but need to validate my existence will see me and tell me I deserve to be here, give me a gallery show or a performance or a publisher so I can prove I am SOMEBODY SPECIAL and the fucking Home Office will grace me with a visa so I can stop moving around all the time and start making all this into something.
I CAN’T FUCKING THINK WHEN I DON’T KNOW WHERE I’M GOING TO BE IN TWO WEEKS
THERE IS TOO MUCH HAPPENING AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO STOP IT
SO I BECOME OVERWHELMED AND CANCEL EVERYTHING AND THEN JUST SIT HERE ACCOMPLISHING NOTHING WRITING ABOUT HOW I’M ACCOMPLISHING NOTHING
I am getting to that edge again where I want to pull the plug on everything because I feel like I’m drowning, I’m always behind and I’ll never catch up because I don’t even know what to focus on, fucking ADD, I WANT TO FINISH SOMETHING BUT I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START
I NEED A FUCKING ASSISTANT
IS THERE A FUCKING ADULT IN THE ROOM TO JUST WATCH ME DO MY HOMEWORK?
I want to say I am capable of doing everything myself but I’ll be real I don’t know if I am
I JUST WANT TO LAND AND I WANT TO STAY IN THIS LAND AND THEY JUST TOLD ME I CAN’T
FUCKING DENIED MY VISA APPLICATION BECAUSE I APPLIED FOR A VISA AS AN ARTIST AND “ALL MY EVIDENCE IS FOR JOURNALISM, WHICH DOESN’T COUNT FOR THE GLOBAL TALENT VISA”
I AM NOT A FUCKING JOURNALIST, I NEVER HAVE BEEN, THEY JUST STARTED CALLING ME THAT, THOSE WERE THE ONLY PLACES THAT WOULD GIVE ME A CHANCE, ONLNE PUBLICATIONS ABOUT FOOD DRINK AND DRUGS, BUT I NEVER GOT A BYLINE IN THE BIG ONES OR ANY OF THE GRANTS I APPLIED FOR AND I NEVER WANTED TO BE ONE OF THEM ANYWAY
I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AN ARTIST BUT I WAS TOO FUCKING SCARED TO GO TO ART SCHOOL AND FILM SCHOOL AND MAJOR IN THEATRE ALL THOSE TIMES I GOT THE CHANCE, I RAN AWAY, I BLEW IT, AND I’VE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE TRYING TO GET BACK TO IT
When I go places people literally ask me if I am an artist, last week someone said I “radiated it”
YEAH MAYBE IF I COULD FUCKING FINISH ONE FUCKING DRAWING
WHENEVER I HAVE TIME I JUST SEEM TO WANT TO SCREAM ON HERE OR INTO A VOICE NOTE ABOUT HOW I DON’T HAVE TIME OR BINGE EAT OR WORK OUT OR OTHERWISE WASTE ALL THE TIME I HAVE UNTIL IT BECOMES TRUE
Not journalist enough for the journalists, not artist enough for the artists, not British and not American, not even really nomad, more like just houseless, aimless, directionless, I feel like I had my head on straighter before I realized I was trans and queer, maybe that’s at the heart of it. it was also before the pandemic and when I had a permanent address. I look back at my old work and I remember being unhappy but it’s actually pretty good and coherent and I look like I’m healthier
I don’t fucking know
I can never make up my mind on anything
I just know I finally fucking made a decision
and I decided I want to stay in London
and they said no.
LISTEN:
Holly Regan discusses their lifelong struggle with societal and familial expectations regarding their artistic and professional identity. They recounts their father's criticism of their art, leading them to abandon traditional forms. Holly explores various paths, including journalism and anthropology, but finds them unsatisfying. They express frustration with being told they are not "queer enough" or "trans enough" and face rejection in both art and journalism. Holly seeks to reconcile their subjective, gonzo approach with the need for objective standards and questions how to share their work effectively, considering autoethnography and zine creation.
Action Items:
Finish writing some plays.
Make some zines.
Publish something.
Find outlets to share her work.
Get help from the community with editing and decision-making.
Rejection and Artistic Identity
- They discuss the rejection of their visa application due to their artistic style not meeting the required precision. - They recount their father's criticism of their art, emphasizing the lack of adherence to grid systems and proportions. - They describe their rebellion against their father's expectations by abandoning traditional art forms and exploring different means of expression. - They mention their ongoing struggle to balance their desire to be an artist with societal and familial pressures to conform to specific artistic standards.
Struggles with Academic and Professional Identity
- They reflect on their fear of not being able to meet the expectations of academic and professional institutions, leading them to avoid opportunities. - They discuss the influence of Stephen, who convinced them that they would not succeed as an artist and should consider a career in science. - They share their brief experience with journalism, which they disliked, and their reluctance to pursue it further. - They highlight the conflict between their desire to be an artist and the societal expectations that pushed them towards more conventional career paths.
Subjective Approach to Art and Journalism
- They contrast their subjective, Gonzo approach to art and journalism with the objective, traditional methods favored by their father and Stephen. - They explain their preference for studying communities they resonate with rather than distant, unfamiliar ones. - They discuss their interest in food and beverages as a potential area of focus, though they feel less connected to it than to their previous subjects. - They express their frustration with the need to conform to institutional standards and the difficulty of finding a place where their unique style is accepted.
Queer and Trans Identity
- They explore their identity as a queer artist, noting their lack of long-term relationships and the challenges of fitting into traditional definitions of queer identity. - They discuss their non-binary identity and the difficulties of being recognized as queer without conforming to specific gender expressions. - They mention their rejection for an artist visa due to being classified as a journalist, despite their lack of success in that field. - They reflect on the ongoing struggle to prove their worth as an artist and the barriers they face due to their non-traditional approach.
Challenges in Artistic Expression and Publication
- They talk about their difficulty in completing and publishing their work, often opting for genre-bending and transdisciplinary approaches. - They express their frustration with the need to choose a specific path in order to succeed, while also feeling the pressure to conform to institutional expectations. - They discuss their interest in autoethnography and the challenges of finding an audience for their unique style of storytelling. - They seek guidance and support from their community to help them navigate the complexities of sharing their work and finding a place in the artistic world.
TRANSCRIPT:
The theme of the whole thing is enoughness rejected for my visa on the premise that I wasn't enough of an artist. That's exactly what my dad said. That's the core of the chorus, wound rubbing salt right in the thing that's hurt me most from the beginning, him trying to tell me that I didn't do art right because it wasn't precise, because I didn't draw on the grid system, because my proportions were out of balance, because I didn't make it look like he wanted. It wasn't abstract enough to be abstract, and it wasn't accurate enough to be realism. So he tried to make me make it into something I never wanted it to be to begin with. And in rebellion, I abandoned the whole thing. I'll show you, dad. I won't do the thing I love ever that'll show you which has worked for anyone? Never. So I spent my whole life trying to be an artist on my terms, finding different means of expression, writing plays and stories, drawing pictures. And I kept applying to schools and programs, and I got in and I got in, and then I didn't go because at the last minute, I get scared that I didn't know how to do it right, that I wouldn't know how to do it the way they wanted, that I wouldn't be able to make a living and support myself, and that was probably the biggest thing. And I let Stephen scare me into the fact that I wouldn't get a job, and I feel like I let him and others convince me that I was really more of a scientist, or that that I should play up that side of my strengths, but I wasn't. I never was. And then I thought maybe I could be a journalist, because it was a way to tell stories and make a living. But I took one journalism class in college, and I hated it. I never wanted to do that either. I only ended up there by accident, because of Richard, because that's what he knew. And so my whole life has been about trying to bend what I actually wanted to do, which was be an artist, into the molds of these men who thought I should do it like them.
My dad thought I should draw, try to draw precise realism on the grid system. Well, guess what? None of his pictures ever looked real. Anyways, maybe they were technically accurate, but they didn't have any of the soul that actually made someone look like them. Technically, the lines would be right, but it didn't look like the person. It didn't have the soul. I so then he just started copying other people's pictures and putting them up on his own wall. And Stephen thought I should be a scientist, because that's what he was. And I did like anthropology, and it was a part of me, and it still is kind of but I've never been objective. I've never wanted to be. That's why I'm not a scientist. That's why I'm not a journalist, because I have a perspective, because I'm subjective, because I'm I'm trying to advocate for causes, because I'm trying to represent things that I care about. I've only ever been a journalist or an anthropologist in the Gonzo sense, where I put myself in everything. I'm not going into communities that are strange and have no affinity. I'm going into places that I want to live and be. I'm going into places where I have a resonance. I'm studying the communities that I'm part of. Maybe now food and beverages is something kind of abstract. I'm not really a part of that anymore. I can talk about that more removed, but so yeah, maybe now that's the way to make a living, because now I can be objective. Who knows? I want to get out of this idea of making a living? I don't want to make a living. I don't want to be I don't know. I'm just so sick and tired of trying to prove to everyone that I deserve to be there, and everyone's always telling me that I'm not enough for something,
not queer enough to be queer. I've never been in a real relationship with a woman or one with a couple that lasted more than a moment. But I'm not straight because I don't even want I don't even know what that would mean at this point, because I don't identify. Fi is female, so everything I do is automatically queer, and yet it doesn't look the way people want it to, for it to make sense to them. Not trans enough, because I'm not biologically transitioning. Always on the outside looking into everything my application for an artist visa gets rejected because they say I'm a journalist, but I can't get published anywhere in journalism because they say I'm not good enough for them, because I'm not objective, because I don't have the bylines, because I never worked in a newsroom, because I don't want to. I've always been an artist, and I've always been trying to prove that, and then the times I got a chance to I didn't take it. So wherever I go, there's some institution telling me that I don't measure up because I don't have the credits from the other institutions too academic to be art. I don't have any published, peer reviewed publications to art, to be academic, but they won't let me into the galleries. But I guess I haven't really tried, and then I have an opportunity with theater, and I can't finish a fucking play to save my life.
All I can do is mash up and remix and genre bend and transcend categorizations. But at a certain point, if I want to live here, I guess I have to pick something. Or do I I don't know, maybe I go in through the side door, but I
yeah, there is still this problem of, how do I share? Where do I share? What does it look like? Autoethnography? Do I try to publish something? I gotta make some zines. I gotta write some plays. I gotta finish some plays. There's lots written. I need an editor. I need help making decisions and cuts on this day of the blade of obsidian.
Need to edit my life. Simplify strike. Stop moving so much so I can get something finished. Is that the problem? Though? I don't know. I gotta find the outlets. I don't know where to put it. I don't even know what it is or what it looks like. I uh, Gonzo anthropology, auto ethnography. It's something like this. I just don't know who even wants to read it or how to put it in a format that people can understand that it just looking like the ramblings of a madman. I ask for guidance in the help of my community.
