Even more Judas

There is a beer called Even More Jesus that I used to love. It’s about 12% ABV but it’s silky smooth, everything you want a stout to be, malty backbone and coffee-chocolate overtones. I don’t even know if I can say I drink anymore, I have no tolerance for more than a few sips before I’m wasted, but for some reason I still like to wax poetic about beer. It IS still a really important part of the overall thesis, because it’s not about the beer, it’s about the funeral feast, the thing to gather around but more importantly the carrier for the medicine that takes you to the subtle realms to eat and drink with the dead.

I am debating whether to go meet someone from the beer scene in Glasgow, they’re always nice people, but I’m also really tired. I don’t know if staying home is responsible or avoidant.

Beer, the one I loved so dearly, alcohol in fact, but who betrayed me over and over again.

Or so I said. I suppose it WAS truth serum in that it allowed the shadows I’d locked up in the cellar to come busting out, front and center.

I picked up some clothes I’d left at Ceri’s house in 2023 the other day and there was an old journal shoved at the bottom of the bag, a little time capsule to myself, and it opened with me in Vancouver about to do the ceremony with Ben and Tony, talking about being afraid to go home, getting super avoidant in Vancouver and locking myself in the house for weeks writing in circles, and analyzing my lifelong pattern of the “rule of 3,” caught in triads where someone was always getting left out, replaying the old pattern of me, mom, and Callin. And of course, this is Cain, Abel, and God. Abraham, Isaac, and God. God, always getting all involved in parent-child dynamics.

I then read this transcript from a while back and was struck by it:

[[Today’s transmission definitely assisted by kit. Is Thank you kit, let's give you a hand. Thank you. Thank you for your collaboration. So yeah, today is 12 Khan. So Khan is my Maya and a wall the day of bundling my life experience to. I transmit the wisdom gathered through my life experience. Khan is the serpent, the serpent of knowledge, the serpent in the garden. Yeah, this whole tricena is about how our bodies are vessels. Prendas the containers holding the collections of moments. But also a big theme of all these conversations, a big theme of kit's work is this idea of manipulation. Who's manipulating? Who is the question putting each other under spells. So kit talks about the whole kind of the formula for their process, which is the adaptation, you know, of the ancestral practice is spell, charm, trance. And this is, I mean, again, I do a version of this. I just never put it in those terms before. But like I say an incantation, I open the space, I speak to the spirits in the universe. The charm is the medicine. I don't know it's been cacao lately. Sometimes it's other medicines. Sometimes it's Kundalini and movement alone. Not very often these days. It probably should be more, but who says should be whatever cacao is? What's happening right now, and it's blowing a lot of stuff open. So yeah, the spells, we're all putting spells on each other. We're all kind of manipulating each other, and like there are shamans working in all the realms all the time, kind of like doing battle with each other. And this is, this is what they say in the Shipibo tradition. This is what my source for the cacao story told me yesterday. This really cool person who's like, definitely a hermetic messenger between the realms. She's an American training to be a maya day keeper, and she's translating for me all the crazy shit that's going on in this community. And like, what plays out for the public is not what's going on behind the scenes. And what's going on behind the scenes is this old school shamanistic battle. They talk about it in the death and resurrection show, it's like this, shamans trying to outdo each other and, like, calling in the cosmos and these other forces, I think, kind of being like, Oh, God, really are we doing this again? Like, don't we have bigger things to worry about? But anyways, so, yeah, how is it possible to be in alignment when everyone's trying to sell something. And this goes for myself, you know, I'm so concerned about how to make a living, so I gotta be really aware of that. But anyways, so, yeah, that's kind of another story, but going down that path, yeah, I'm just reading my notes. So yeah, then I started kind of making these comparisons to Judas. Where did that even come from? Oh, yeah, I was communicating with I went into a trance, and I communicate, asked to communicate with the spirit of cacao. So then I saw a vision of ish cacao and ish anim, XIM, sorry, ichim. I don't know how to pronounce that. And then I was like, oh shit, that's Jesus and Mary Magdalene, the spirit of cacao and the spirit of the corn. And then all of a sudden I was like, but So those are the divine spirits. But what keeps us human? I don't even know where this came from, but all of a sudden I was like, oh shit. Judas Iscariot, he was the third and the 13th. He was a really important part of the story. He's the triangle. There's always a third one. There's always a third way. So then I started getting this transmission about I went to this Lady Gaga concert with Bill, and we all dressed up in costume, and it was this very big ritual, and we dressed up like the cast from her Judas video, which, if you have not seen this, you should look this up right now. Just a holy fool, baby, I'm still in love with Jesus. What is it? Just a holy fool? I can't remember the lyrics, but I'm still in love with Judas baby. Just totally fool. Something, something, still in love with Judas baby. So that's, yeah, that's the whole thing.

I looked so much like Gaga that night that people in the hotel where we were staying thought that I was Gaga. Uh, I got blackout drunk, and Bill just this was at a time when I was really struggling with my drinking. I had asked for help, and Bill liked to see the spectacle. And he liked to see people go overboard, even if they were his close friends, and that included me and everyone kind of just again. It's like, I need to take responsibility. It wasn't their job to save me, but I expressed that I was struggling, and instead of trying to help me, They fed me liquor and or at least, didn't Okay, that's not true. I went and got liquor. They didn't stop me. They laughed at it and encouraged it in that way, and then let me eat a pizza that had pepperoni on it, and I was really sick, because I don't eat meat, and I haven't in like since I was 10. So I didn't talk to him for a while after that, but yeah, there were many times, other times in my life where I would get very intoxicated on substances and dance to Lady Gaga. So there's something about like Gaga really represents this Judas archetype. She's also this queer symbol, this queer icon. But who like hasn't come out herself as queer, I am telling you like she's family, and she doesn't quite claim it, and she also really is someone who gets sucked into addiction a lot, very publicly, which plays into this whole artist, Mystic, alcoholic. They're all the same archetype. So what else? Yeah, so sometimes we get sucked in to over consuming. This was related to cacao and any medicine, sometimes we all get so there's this theme in the medicine community of kind of, like, there's a school of, like, spiritual bros who are just like, you got to do heroic doses, dude. You got to go in again and again. You got to go to Ayahuasca retreats every year. And it's like, no, like, I did the Ayahuasca retreat the one time. And like, I will go back, but I don't know when that'll be. And, yeah, I mean, so I think there's a bit of a spell being cast by the men who lead these retreats and who are creating these products and like that. Even includes this guy that I went to a cacao ritual for, and I thought he was in alignment. And then this conversation yesterday, well, my Yeah, it's not important. It turned out I was right that he's not really in alignment. So, yeah, we're all casting spells. There's lots of spells that are being cast to kind of get us to keep consuming, to get us to keep spending, and to get us to keep playing these roles and dressing in drag, and yeah, we're all actors, performing parts, putting on our personas. I did my sacrificial dance, offering myself up in drag as a woman as Gaga, as special, as a suffering housewife, as a victim, as the third who would always be abandoned, but also kind of knew it and left anyways. So I then got in really clear just trust the process of the play, because I was getting a bunch of scenes about this in California, and I was like, Why the fuck are these coming in? So yeah, because it was part of this Judas storyline. So then I got a vision of Jesus Judas and cacao, which is like Jesus Judas and Mary Magdalene, which is corn, yeah, I don't know one of the Judas figure kind of looked like this, like Santeria figure that I was almost like, Ooh, I feel like this is connected to kids somehow. Anyways, then it went into this whole Okay, we have to, if we truly accept all and reject none, and we need every character in the archetypal Pantheon in the divine drama to play their part. That means that no one's ever really the villain, and everyone is. No one's really the hero, and everyone is so that means Jesus too. And yeah, that even Jesus got carried away with his own power. So this is why it was equating Jesus to 13 Khan, which is my Nawal and the Maya calendar system. Because 13 Khan is the one is the serpent is the one that has the power to be the greatest magician, the greatest deceiver, the greatest sorcerer or the greatest healer. And I was getting this, okay, Jesus, I think there was actually a point at which Jesus got carried away with his own power. And even. And Jesus can ego trip. So this is a big thing. Was like, even Jesus can ego trip? Even Jesus can get carried away with his own shit. And then at a certain point this started happening, and Judas was the one who actually tried to call him out. And yeah, so then I have this whole thing about we are the universe's power bottom that came to me during an Ayahuasca journey. And I was like, Okay, I think Jesus and Judas. This is where Dane then started coming in. I was like, this is totally his bag. So it's all a cosmic game of SNM. There's this whole theme I have in the play about existential kink, which is like a healing modality, but, you know, that's another story. So if Jesus was a power bottom? Wait, sorry, I'm trying to read my notes. Judas didn't realize Jesus was a power bottom. He tried to get the upper hand, but then I wrote, well, it was actually all a cosmic game of S and M, what if, in G, what if Jesus and Judas actually gave consent for all of this in the beginning, and the whole thing was just a show for the uninitiated. So this is the death and resurrection show, right? Like, this whole religion thing, all the religions like, it's just a wink wink. So yeah, what if the crucifixion was just another performance like the mysteries of Eleusis? Of course it was. Of course it was. This is hermeticism. This is alchemical wisdom. This is the death and resurrection show. This is the shaman showman, hiding things in plain sight ]]

I’m trying to get these scenes from the play to Guido and my 10-minuter at least a bit scripted and to filter through my notes from the past few days of intense transmissions and don’t know if it’s better to simmer in the mysticism or get out there and drink a beer, have an interaction that might not necessarily “get me” something or even be all that fun—or if that’s an excuse to alienate and separate myself from people, to be one of Those People who can only hang with the “high vibers.”

Beer was really my gateway to awakening, even if it was also my downfall in high school. Once I started really caring about it as craft and built community around it… I don’t know, it’s interesting. The trajectory may have gone kind of like other medicines. I once thought I might actually die if I had to live without it, yet was constantly overdoing it - probably because of this. Then it just stopped being as important when I started reconnecting with other interests and healing. Now I frankly avoid it. But I know I’ve always had a similar relationship with chocolate, now transposed onto the essence, cacao.

We take too much when we feel we’re not enough somehow. The bottomless vessel. The medicine that makes us see doubly… until the room starts spinning.