Process-ing and Integration / Trecena of Tijax Dec 2024
I. Editing
I think of Tijax, the trecena that starts today, as the editor. As we begin the trecena of the obsidian blade, what goes and what stays? What needs to fall away that no longer serves?
I’ve always been a good editor; I love helping others tell their stories. I’ve struggled with my own, it’s always too many words and not enough of the right essence, substance. I can’t seem to quite express what I want to convey even though I talk in circles. But this trecena is about cutting away the excess, making decisions and killing darlings.
It has become abundantly clear to me that I can’t do it all, that my desire to do and be and see and make too much is causing a total paralysis and breakdown where NOTHING is getting created, and that isn’t going to work anymore. I need to move forward, make things, build things, finish things. Pick projects and places to root. Focus.
A tremendous healing process is happening.
I may not know how to codify what I’m doing yet, but it’s working. Slowly, gradually, almost impectibly, I’m changing irrevocably.
I’m going through another layer of individuation, separation from the mother, and the pain is rending me in two, but it’s the most important work I’ll ever do. The holidays activate this time, but there is also some kind of portal between my birthday, the full moon, the solstice, and Christmas that I’m moving through. I’m seeing how the same patterns manifest in slightly different expressions. I don’t feel alive without pushing my body to the breaking point. I love the extremes, but I also feel a slave to them, like I have all this energy and I’m just wasting it, flaming out when it could be used to make things, build a life, help others and myself. It needs to be channeled and directed.
But first, the pain behind it needs to be seen and processed. It’s more of this Christian shit, again, of course—and ancestral karma—the Puritan legacy. I’m moving through the idea that I cannot allow my body to experience pleasure without at least an equal amount of pain. Because it’s wrong, it’s a sin. Because of the generations of sexual abuse handed down. Their stories, living through my body. I’m strong enough to transmute the karma—but man—sometimes it gets so hard and I don’t wanna. It hurts. I spent half my 40th birthday weekend terribly sick, but pushing through it, sometimes to do things I didn’t even want to do but felt compelled to. Wandering in a daze. It’s a lot.
But the sickness is a producing cough and this is the karma of generations I’m spitting up. And the fact that it’s only the throat, I know beyond a doubt this is connected to my Amanita awakening that is happening, to my realization of part of what this work is about, what I am here to do. To return the knowledge of direct experience back to the people and install the teachers who REALLY belong in the history books in academia. I am the both-between meant to slip in through the side doors of the systems and claim our rightful place in the annals of history—but not to have power-over, not to overthrow them and keep the system going, but to reveal how ridiculous the whole thing is in the process, and thereby change it.
Mine will be the first PhD thesis, to my knowledge, to cite as direct sources mushrooms and trees, animals and plants, the moon and heavenly bodies, dead people and teachers of the underground; my own psychedelic journeys. DMT entities and the hyperobject at the edge of consciousness.
This is how we win, using their own systems against them so we all can transcend and include.
Spiral dynamics is back in a BIG way, Ken Wilber vibes, as I move through different phases of the journey, my healing journey spiraling and cycling, feeling familiar because I have been here before—just not this way. And I am changing, transmuting things that are coming back around, getting a little bit clearer, rising a little higher on the spiral. Just like it’s happening to humanity now. Will any of us get to the awakenings we need in time? I don’t know, but we can try.
And part of the maturing is the realization that I have to make more choices. Some things have to go. I think maybe the newsletter and this music project, especially if I am trying to submit a paper for the thing Carl mentioned, the British Computer Society, which I don’t know. I guess I should try. But one thing is clear, I am recreating journalism for myself with the newsletter and I simply cannot do that. This is supposed to be the time of wintering, and I’m gonna miss the whole beautiful time by driving myself pointlessly, relentlessly forward. It is time to hibernate. To winter. To crone. Listen to the earth, your body. My body, your body, body of earth.
Time, space, season, self.
So many important things happened in this trecena, I don’t even know where to begin, but the session with Ash was everything, the affirmation that I needed: that yes, sometimes human gurus are helpful—but the plants and fungi, the trees and natural entities, these THEMSELVES are our teachers.
After I channeled something that literally was titled “this is how the plants speak for themselves.”
I need the affirmation from someone I trust because I still don’t trust my body and mind, I’m afraid my intuition is the devil trying to tempt me; I feel I can’t discern between what is the voice of ego trying to take over and what’s my higher self and what’s the guidance from the universe. To which my friend Eric simply said: “yes.”
But I’m learning, I’m spiraling upward, transcending and including. I AM healing. Whatever it is I’m doing, it’s working. And Amanita is at the center of everything.
II. Dissociation and Holy Longing
There is something huge in dissociating—this week’s “Third Eye Drops” podcast with Bernardo Kastrup hit on the same thing Ash and I were talking about, this idea that we talk about dissociation like a bad thing, and it can be a trauma, but the whole human experience is actually a dissociation—thinking we are separate from the one. In a way our whole world is a delusion, the psychosis is being human, pretending not to be inextricably interconnected and embedded with everything.
I hadn’t quite conceptualized it this way before, but it makes perfect sense. No wonder I’m finding so much healing through Amanita, a dissociative. I have had a hard time finding where I end and others begin, and Amanita helps me find my boundaries by keeping me aware of everything, bringing me right up close to both the beauty and the pain, while maintaining a safe psychological and experiential difference. Appropriately for the season and her association with St. Nick, she’s like the Ghosts of Christmas, taking you through your life but holding your hand. The Grandmother medicine, firm but loving, like Annabelle described Cacao at yesterday’s Full Moon Ceremony, so no wonder they all work so well together, and Ayahuasca started it, those years ago in the rainforest, where I came home to myself for the first time since I was a child.
Where I realized I could reclaim that Jesus love I used to know, back in the beginning.
It’s the comfort and oneness I feel when I think about the forest and mycelial networks, when I feel in my heart this union with the moon, the fat squirrels chirping on mountaintops in the Pacific Northwest and parks in England, the stark gray Irish coastline and birds skittering on stick legs across crashing surf; the obsidian hexagons of the Wild Atlantic way, the harsh majesty of the Northern Irish cliffs and sea. It’s heartbreaking and beautiful. The way I used to watch that David Attenborough docuseries about birds and be crushed by it, the pure joy and delightedness of the birdsong pierced my very soul at a time when I was my most cynical. I didn’t understand it then. I do now.
I’m reading and listening and thinking a lot lately about holy longing, ascesticism and Sufism, the guru tradition. The realization that this impulse in me that got labeled depression and manifested in obsession with people and practices and careers and even foods and drinks that didn’t deserve it, it was actually that most beautiful and human impulse, which is the one that keeps me tethered to my mother in ways that are actively hurting me, dragging me under, keeping me from living my life; one foot still in the womb and one foot out. I was born so independent, I couldn’t wait to stay home alone for the first time, I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted.
And yet. I was still so enmeshed, so connected, that when the time came to go to college, I couldn’t do it.
I missed my chance to go to art school and film school and study abroad, because I didn’t even realize that I was too scared to leave my mom. Then it got displaced onto whomever my partner was. Forty revolutions Gregorian around the sun later, I am looking back on a long list of missed opportunities, things that could have been.
And I hate that at age 40 I still yearn so badly to be with my Earthly mother, and so embarrassed by how much I miss her, I burn with frustration that I still feel so paralyzed by this connection, this tether, this umbilical cord that all these years later I can’t seem to sever. The trecena of Tijax has to be about cutting this cord with that obsidian blade.
Sometimes we need more dissociation.
And sometimes we need more oneness.
This is the human experience, ricocheting between these extremes, I guess, but I think I take it further than the rest.
Dissociation, separation, is the only way this world exists. It’s the only way we individuate and become a person. But it hurts to much to do it, you spend your whole life longing.
But if you can separate the fixation on the limited Earthly things that don’t complete you and instead recognize it as the divine impulse, the yearning to merge with God and Nature and everything, and that it in fact is our natural state, the one we come from and will return to, then maybe that’s how you shift it from this pain and loneliness into love. Because you are never separate from it if you are the oneness.
That’s what I realized today, listening to the extended version of East Forest’s track of Ram Dass giving the “sit around the fire” lecture. The inflection is everything. I had always heard him say his mantra as: “I am loving awareness.”
But today, sobbing as if my heart would break, feeling all the work of a lifetime begin to integrate, I swear Ram Dass changed the way he said it in the recording from the other realm, because I’d never heard him use this inflection before, and it changed the whole meaning:
“I am loving awareness. Huh!”
Imagine that. You, the oneness.
Could you believe it?
III. 40 Revolutions Gregorian / The wound of deception becomes a power
Reflections on my 40th birthday. // The Otter AI can only think in binaries and dualities, and does not have the ability to learn they/them pronouns. I have to manually change them each time, which I do not have the energy to do . This in itself sums up so much about the tyranny of the dominant paradigm… and so we go with Riordan as a he/him, because I don’t have the energy for authenticity when it comes to the algorithm…
Summary: On their 40th birthday, Riordan Regan reflects on their spiritual journey, emphasizing the interconnectedness of form and formlessness, and the role of trees as their allies. They discusses their transformation from Holly, embodying feminine energy, to becoming the 13 Kan, integrating dualities. Riordan explores the concept of the body as a vessel and altar, and the importance of community and direct experience. They critique the capitalist, extractive system and envision reclaiming math and science for spiritual growth. Riordan emphasizes the need for integration, using systems against themselves to expose their absurdity and promote collective awakening.
Action Items:
Lean into the newsletter as an artistic expression, incorporating more photo essays, drawings, and other creative elements.
Explore ways to bring theoretical insights and astral experiences into the material realm, making them more accessible and shareable.
Reclaim and reframe the use of math, science, and academic systems to expose their ridiculousness and insert esoteric, spiritual, and experiential knowledge into these domains.
Find ways to "infiltrate the system and use it to expose the ridiculousness of it, so that we can dissolve it, so that we can return to the ancient ways of knowledge."
Transcript and Audio Here / Outline:
Embodying the Dance Between Form and Formlessness
- Riordan Regan discusses the significance of the Gregorian calendar and the concept of embodying both form and formlessness.
- He shares personal stories about how trees have been his allies and partners, each with specific healing and transformative roles.
- Riordan reflects on the idea of being a symphony of selves and the interconnectedness of all living beings.
- He emphasizes the importance of living fully and being guided by the community, despite the limitations of measurement systems like the Gregorian calendar.
The Vessel and the Altar
- Riordan elaborates on the concept of the body as a vessel and altar, drawing parallels to the prenda in his spiritual practice.
- He discusses the mathematical formula for awakening and the need for mentors and guidance in a fractured system.
- Riordan shares his experience of receiving affirmation from Ash, which validated his feelings and experiences.
- He expresses his desire to help others feel less alone and to mirror and validate them, as he has been seeking validation in relationships.
Navigating Duality and the True Self
- Riordan talks about the duality framework imposed by culture and his struggle with switching between parent and child roles.
- He recalls a childhood memory where he had a conversation with his higher self, which helped him cope with feelings of abandonment.
- Riordan reflects on the concept of the True Self and Christ consciousness, which he has been accessing since childhood.
- He shares how his higher self guided him through difficult times, leading to the development of his artistic and creative expressions.
The Tyranny of Words and the Artistic Journey
- Riordan expresses his frustration with writing articles and the struggle between academic and artistic expression.
- He discusses the importance of sharing information and the challenge of making it accessible and impactful.
- Riordan reflects on the need to integrate his various selves and roles, including Holly the woman and the 13 Kan.
- He acknowledges the complexity of being a trans person and the process of transcending and including different aspects of his identity.
Awakening and the Role of the Material Self
- Riordan talks about the importance of the material self in the spiritual journey and the need to balance the astral and material realms.
- He shares insights from Ash and Acacia about the role of the material self in making things manifest on Earth.
- Riordan reflects on the need to embrace his body and the physical experience as part of his spiritual practice.
- He discusses the importance of community and the role of the village in supporting and nurturing individuals.
The Role of Math and Language in Understanding the Universe
- Riordan reflects on his struggle with math anxiety and the realization that math is a key to understanding the universe.
- He discusses the importance of language and math in translating and interpreting experiences.
- Riordan shares his journey of overcoming limitations and embracing his ability to understand and use math.
- He reflects on the role of direct experience and the importance of translating esoteric knowledge into languages that everyone can understand.
The Importance of Direct Experience and Community
- Riordan emphasizes the importance of direct experience and the role of the body in translating and interpreting experiences.
- He discusses the need to reconnect with the natural world and the elements as teachers, and to embrace his body and the physical experience as part of his spiritual practice.
- Riordan reflects on the importance of community and the role of the village in supporting and nurturing individuals.
- He shares insights from Ash and Acacea about the role of the material self in making things manifest on Earth.
Excerpt:
This is what it means to trust the plants and the fungi as our teachers. This is what it means to learn from direct experience. This is what it means to reconnect with the elements, the spirits of the natural world, the trees, plants, animals, vegetables, minerals, fungal kingdom. These are our teachers. These are us, my body, our body, body of Earth. We are just conductors. We are just the physical manifestations. We are just the transmitters of the information from one realm to the next, and math is part of it, and language is part of it. These are systems by which we translate, because not everyone thinks in the esoteric i. Because there are those of us who can hear the subtle realms of spirit. There are those of us who are the shaman simply mean the one who knows. There are those of us who speak the language of the subtle realms, and we are the ones that they call divergent and queer. We are the feminine and the non gendered. We are the psycho ponts, the Guardians, the messengers, the hermetic alchemic transmitters, who walk between the worlds and bring the symbols into tangibility. We have to translate them into languages that those who are not versed in these things can understand. And that is math and language. And that is where the analytical and practical come in. That is where the me that was following me in the dream, this is where the version of me that was like, Michael, maybe needs more presence, and they can help me. And it has been part of my calling to be able to speak these languages like beer and food, because they're basic things that so many people connect to. I even someone with no concept or background of esotericism or spiritual shit can understand transcendence when you describe, yeah, but like that sensation when you bite into a really good piece of cake or cheese when you drink a really good beer like everyone understands that
I see your systems and raise you. I take your stakes and I flip them upside down, and we insert ourselves. And then, okay, you want to play that game. We can play that game. Okay, you want us to play, to be part of this framework. I see it and raise you. I. Now there's nothing you can say, and yet it's part of transforming the world to be another way. And yet it's part of like we go in and infiltrate these systems so that we can break them down, not so that we can replicate them, not so that we can just switch to our domination of their system. No, it's a way to show the whole ridiculousness of the thing. That's why I've drawn the full card every single day, because it's a game, because we're tricksters, because we have to remember that we're playing, because that's how we win. And once we expose the system for being so ridiculous, then maybe we can just dispense with it already, and that's how we win, not by taking over. And that is where civilizations have fallen in the past, is that someone new just tries to rise to dominance and just says it's our turn now, and then they try to start the whole fucking shit over again, and that's no and then it just keeps replaying. The way we break out of this paradigm, the way trans is the emerging archetype, the way we drive consciousness into the next revolution evolution, the way we drive ourselves into the next dimension, is by not repeating this pattern again, is by infiltrating the system and using it to expose the ridiculousness of it, so that we can dissolve it, so that we can return to the ancient ways of knowledge, which is direct experience in our bodies, which is our bodies as a vessel, as a prenda, as the conductor, as the transmitter, as the receiver of the experience, as the translator, as the mushroom, walking around on two feet, still cooking on the outside.
using all the languages, math and science, art and poetry, feeling in our bodies, sitting At our altars, writing in our journals, listening to music, staring into candle flames for hours, tuning into the seasons, the space, the time, the place, the person you are in that moment which is always changing, letting things Die that need ending, releasing the performative role in what is dying is this idea of holly, the woman who was supposed to be somebody, these artificial constructs that were imposed upon me, that were never me to begin with, and instead calling back in that self energy, we're calling them Royden, but they have no name and they are timeless. They are the forest. They are the Crone. They are the mushrooms. They are the animals. They are the minerals. They are the amanita and cacao. They are the pine and cedar. They are the trees that made them want to be here. I They are the timeless self energy that is the same thing. And every one of us just pretending to be separate for a moment, manifesting in this snapshot, this manifesting in this vessel, this container of information, experience and sensation captured for a moment in a body, in a vessel, in a prenda, a moment in time, a snapshot of the sky, pretending to Be separate, pretending to be solid, a wave that appears as a particle when it's observed in the cauldron of our body, for a moment under the sky, captured, briefly observed, assuming form, pretending to be solid in uniform for a moment before it disappears again, dissolving an acid, returning to the oceanic oneness again.
You want to play by that game? Sure, let's dance. Let's do the view the thing. We'll pretend that we're separate. I'll play along for a minute, and I will figure out with my community how to use the systems against themselves. So we can turn the lights on little by little, they won't even know what's happening, until all of a sudden, one day, they look around and everything is illuminated, and they see the ridiculousness of the whole thing.
I am the 13 Kan. I dance like nobody's watching. I make my altars, and I make my life a living one, and I offer my body as the vessel, the container, the cauldron, the collection of information, experience and sensation captured in a moment here to help others awaken.
To mom from my 40th birthday portal
I left my mom a voice memo from the mushroom realm, something I’m not sure was wise, but then again, it is part of my journey of realization that I still have a ways to go on individuation. That I have been limited and starting and stopping and missing every train at the waystation because I am afraid on some level to succeed without her. To leave her behind. To go places she doesn’t understand. But it’s happening. Yes I’m changing.
Summary: Riordan Regan reflects on his 40th birthday, recalling a ceremony in a forest where he realized the qualities he admired in Holly were also within him. He acknowledges that her most challenging traits were her greatest strengths, likening her to a shape-shifter who confronted darkness to bring repressed issues to light. Riordan grapples with his own avoidance of creative work and the need to trust his mentors, who have guided him towards a path of integrating esoteric experiences into academia. He envisions using the system against itself to change paradigms, embracing his ability to market and adapt.
Reflecting on Holly's Legacy
- Riordan Regan describes finding a spot in the forest that appears by accident and is a thin place that disappears if you try to look directly at it.
- Riordan Regan recounts performing a ceremony and realizing that he was essentially talking to himself, with friends sharing what little they knew about Holly.
- Riordan Regan reflects on Holly's bravery and how her most shameful traits were actually her greatest strengths, as she confronted the ultimate darkness to bring repressed issues to light.
- The conversation touches on Holly's authenticity and strength, emphasizing that she was not weak or pathetic but was genuinely authentic and resilient.
Embracing Holly's Qualities
- Riordan Regan acknowledges that the parts he liked about Holly are still qualities within him, such as self-energy, wonder, love, and connection.
- The discussion highlights that the challenges Holly faced are also part of Riordan Regan, now transformed and reclaimed.
- Riordan Regan reflects on the idea that we never really leave anything behind and that our challenges and qualities follow us wherever we go.
- The conversation explores the concept of phase changes and how we undergo cellular changes every seven years, symbolizing little deaths and resurrections.
Navigating Personal Challenges
- Riordan Regan expresses feelings of running away from something and avoiding creating, despite having many almost-finished projects.
- The conversation touches on the idea of always having something to do later, creating a sense of liminality and uncertainty.
- Riordan Regan shares a vision received in the morning, which led him to trust his mentors and follow a path of self-discovery and artistic expression.
- The discussion includes reflections on the importance of keeping one's word and the challenges of balancing obligations with personal growth.
Vision and Mentorship
- Riordan Regan recounts a vision received from his mentors, which led him to pursue a life as an artist and a student of mushrooms and other natural teachers.
- The conversation emphasizes the idea that plants and forest creatures are real teachers, communicating through our bodies and the divine.
- Riordan Regan reflects on the importance of giving voice to those whose voices are not loud and the role of bridging worlds as a shape shifter and messenger.
- The discussion includes reflections on the energy of the Maya calendar and the idea of being a wise teacher or magician who brings the collective dream into reality.
Transforming Personal Shame
- Riordan Regan reflects on his greatest shame of Holly, which was her deceptive nature and the belief that she needed men to survive.
- The conversation touches on the idea of transforming personal wounds into powers and embracing one's abilities to play the game and market effectively.
- Riordan Regan expresses a desire to use the academic system against itself by integrating esoteric experiences into a PhD thesis.
- The discussion includes reflections on the importance of sharing one's experiences and finding a way to remix the system to bring about change.
Balancing Separation and Connection
- The conversation explores the tension between wanting to be separate and the beauty of connection, with Riordan Regan expressing gratitude for the support he has received.
- Riordan Regan reflects on the challenges of growing up and the importance of holding space for personal growth.
- The discussion includes reflections on the beauty and pain of the journey and the importance of self-acceptance and safety.
- The conversation concludes with Riordan Regan expressing a sense of liminality and the ongoing process of becoming something new while carrying forward both challenges and positive qualities.
IIV. Is this integration? + Process vs processing
Am I integrating now? Is this what it feels like? Without the guidance of others, how do you know? I realized today that I am not entirely sure I know the difference between
process
and
processing.
What is the difference between the process of accessing, channeling, bringing things to the surface, and processing that material, sifting through all you’ve churned up and left lying there to find the relics, the treasures? It’s an archaeological expedition, so at least there’s one unlived life I got to do after all. Is surfacing repressed memories from your own subconscious process or processing? It seems more the former, but if it’s stuff that was already in you to begin with, that feels like a gray area. But I suppose everything is in you, really. I think it’s a continual feedback loop, so maybe we shouldn’t try to separate them:
process-ing
But I do know it’s important to give your psyche a break, to let it settle and make sense of itself. To land in your body, in your nervous system. Maybe processing and integration are when you don’t have to try and put language to it . Or maybe processing is when you talk about what already happened, and integration is when you just sit back and receive the known and felt.
Process vs processing, experience vs integration, psychedelic vs dissociative. What is amanita and cacao? The difference is the dosage and intention. I guess that’s true of everything. Amanita can help you take a step back and breathe for a minute. Cacao can help you just settle in your body and feel your heart open. But either one can open the channel to the ancestors and the astral. Kundalini is the same. These medicines do all really work together, and I was drawn to deepen practice with Annabelle for a reason. Her event last night was so powerful, I was literally being grabbed by the shoulders and shaken back and forth, and I felt that this was a memory that belonged to my mother and grandmother and maybe it was mine too, but it was really for all of us, this processing.
John Churchill says that karma isn’t a curse, it’s not a punishment because you’re bad. It simply means “the work you have to do.”
There were actions. Now there are reactions.
We clean up the messes of the past so we can all move forward.
But it’s hard, and it hurts sometimes.
What is the process I’m creating, what is part of the work and what is art, and what is just me processing my own shit?
Is there a separation?
Life? Or theatre?
If you are entertained, and you learn something along the way, does it matter?
On 11.12.24 / 9 Aj I wrote: “Skipping or shortening the journaling process seems to make everything else really detrimental. Do I even know who I am without writing it down?” At the same time I hate it, I feel trapped by it, I want to be free from the tyranny of words. I want to cancel my newsletter and start a Patreon. Maybe I will.
The dance reveals, through experience and then conversation with Alis, that the anger we repress blocks all the other emotions—and it’s not until the anger can be released that the others can break free to be healed.
John Churchill says direct experience has a limit, that without a framework for processing, you don’t get anywhere. “States are not structures,” he said. I’m not sure what i think of that, or where my own work falls into that spectrum. I think these states can create the structures. Or maybe I do think they can be structures. If they’re temporary, does that make them less valuable? East Forest talks about sound creating architectures you can literally crawl through; Joe and I experienced it. This is sound as experience, but it’s also integration and healing. Maybe I’m being too literal and that’s not what he meant. But I’m thinking, do you need to understand it for it to work?
Molly McCord describes Sagittarius as the archetype of direct experience, just going out there and doing something, whereas Gemini is the archetype of talking about it. Of course that was me and Stephen, me crash landing into everything and him wanting to intellectualize it, stay in academia, while I yearned to make art and be in the world, as much as I love talking all night too.
There’s that holy longing again. The heartbreaking beauty of the birds felt easier to bear when I was sharing it with somebody.
Mommy and me, the fetus and parent, together yet separate.
But the last part, we never did quite seem to get. Can it happen? I understand now what Aya meant when she said that before I could know myself, mom would have to die.
I’ve longed to be someone’s #2 again, my whole life. I felt it with Stephen. And the others, I guess, though it was all trauma bonding.
I need to trust my direct experience, my body, my feelings. They ARE mine.
My #2 is the universe.
On 12.14.24, the day after my birthday, I got stuck in a time loop, and I thought it was 12.12.24, 12s up and down, like the disciples when they pushed out the 13, the unwanted one. It was the nahual of mother Earth, 10 Ix, and I was also stuck in a look of too much/not enough pain, starting with my parents and replaying with partnerships, including Brian. I felt like nobody cared about my efforts, I was furious and sad about the fact that everything I make, I give away for free, and everyone around me was claiming theirs, from my friends who create educational resources to Lubo giving me a speech about how much labor goes into making his chocolates, I can tell he always thinks I’m trying to pull one over on him. But really, I am made that I’m creating these resources with my labor, educating everyone about cacao and paying out of my own pocket to print the fliers. “This is how the planet must feel,” I wrote. “I let people take whatever they want from me, use me up, and then nobody wants to come to my party.”
The ADD kid, their mom watching pained as they get rejected on the playground. The full moon asked us to pay attention to the parts of self that were rejected, not recognized for who they were, had gifts nobody understood. This needs to be in the Hollow Bone Show, let people know their too-much-ness is just sensitivity, openness to the subtle and astral, the energies that are everywhere; it’s not that the voices aren’t very loud, actually, maybe as much as that they use lower decibels, it’s fucking deafening if you tune into it, they NEVER shut up! The dead and entities were laughing as I journaled that, it’s like me and Brian, actually the other realm never stops talking, and the too much/not enough kids across dimensions need someone to pay attention.
I realized I forget to close the ceremony a lot. That part is CRUCIAL.
Notes from Ash will be uploaded as photos. But some takeaways include that the “death plants” are actually “portal plants.” they open the door, but it might be to a past part of self, it might be getting possessed by your dad. / The magician looks at the medicine or the pain and says aha! What can I do with this? The psychotic gets lost in it. / The “cauldron” cited in all the Amanita research is the WOMB, the PELVIS. She said indepedently that your body is the vessel, and I almost died, she kept saying so many things that I have already channeled whole spoken-word hours and poems about, written about, never shared with anyone.
Something is happening.
She even said “you are the altar,” which blew my head off. But as I shared about Kit and xir practice with the prenda, we decided that your body was the prenda even more accurately - because you carry the altar objects in your body. Your bones are pisoelectric crystals, minerals communicate with each other, like how all the coral reefs in the world go into their reproductive cycle at the same time. Mushrooms help us travel between time and dimensions, soak up what’s in the soil and call down the lightning.
If I can show up in the power and presence of my teachers, I’m walking with my teachers all the time, she said. But the most beautiful part was the realization that i can trust what I feel in my bones, what I feel they are telling me, that they are guiding me, and I can receive them through my own nervous system. She told me, the plants and fungi ARE our teachers, and they use our bodies as the vessel to express the divine nature that we all are. They speak to us using our own bodies as the communication device, because they don’t speak in human language. The messages we are getting from our bodies are not only our past selves and the systems we contain, but the teachers themselves speaking. The Earth herself speaking.
When you need to get right, orient to time, space, season, and self. / “Watch out for the dream becoming reality” can mean checking in with whether you are the observer or participant in a given moment, and is that the appropriate position? This seemed like wise guidance, though I can’t help thinking, but what about participant observation? Isn’t that kind of what life is? But I don’t know, I’ve talked about not wanting to assume that position in my own life, because then it feels like I’m never fully into either one.
/// I had a breakthrough on my birthday, 40 revolutions Gregorian, where I realized that the parts of me I loved and thought were gone were not only still with me, and had been the whole time—they weren’t even “parts” that were separate to begin with. THAT WAS SELF-ENERGY. That’s what your higher self feels like, the one with a capital S they talk about maintaining in IFS; the one you’re striving for in meditation; the guru we are always longing and searching for.
Breathe in, breathe out. Feel that? That’s you. You’re alive. And you deserve to be here.
I was reborn as my own inner holy trinity, Parents, Child, and Divinity —> and through it all, the constant of Self-Energy.
Ash said do the math, after all. Get equations you can plug things into to bring you back in any given situation.
I CAN trust my body, and my teachers are the plant, animal, and forest spirits who speak through my vessel, using it as a recorder for the symboloic language of the immaterial. Our bodies are how the astral communicates with us, we receive the wisdom from beyond by embodying; we become the earth by materializing. We are the prima materia for spirit. And we embody when we can reconnect to what’s present, not trying to force the same experience all the time.
And I am honored to see that I am taking my place in another trinity, a trinity of teachers; a trinity of trees. Ash, Acacea, and Holly. Through seeing what I may be being called to do, I see how I can reframe my greatest shame as strength again: the double deception, making the men believe that I loved them, and thinking I needed them.
